


Too Real to Fake It

by thealmightyavocado



Series: Fake It Till You Make It [2]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Comedic Nonsense, Comedy, Dad Harry, Domestic, Embarrassing Failed Sexual Attempts, Established Relationship, Flashbacks, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Happy Healthy Loving Family, Humor, Humorous Parenting, I gave myself second hand embarrassment with this one btdubs, Kid Fic, M/M, Many Many Unfortunate Failed Attempts :), Return of the usual suspects and lame running jokes, Sequel, Struggles of Parenting, The kid fic I always wanted to write under the guise of my previous fic, basically...another hot mess, because why not?, dad louis, plus a twisted mini fake relationship thrown in the mix
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-08
Updated: 2017-02-08
Packaged: 2018-09-22 17:51:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 82,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9618581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thealmightyavocado/pseuds/thealmightyavocado
Summary: With seven years of blissful marriage behind them and four wonderfully unique kids to brag about, Harry and Louis seem to finally have life all figured out and under control. How much more real could it get?Very real it turns out, when Harry reluctantly leaves home for a 5 day business trip leaving Louis to manage their rambunctious, hyperactive household. Do they really have it all under control or are they just faking it?Featuring all the usual suspects, inside jokes, embarrassing moments and of course, Harry and Louis' wild antics + the addition of their four equally wild and outrageous kids.





	1. Day One

**Author's Note:**

> opening confession: the lame punloving version of me was increasingly tempted to name this: too real 2 fake it, like they do for sequels of disney cartoons and kids movies because the number 2, get it?? ha ha?? (literally HILARIOUS, i know) but i restrained myself lmao. 
> 
> so as usual for me and writing, what started out as a few drabbles and fleeting ideas here and there somehow turned into full length feature fic. I'm still not sure how or why or ???? but here we are. I really just had fun with this one, carrying on the tradition of the original with an anything goes type of style. anyway it's just a nice fluffy fun and relatable kid fic with heaps of jokes and wild antics and flashbacks and ridiculousness and yeeeah! H & L's kids in this fic are literally my babies and i loved characterizing them and i hope you love them as much as i do. :)
> 
> oh!!! omg!!! and thank you times a million to everyone who read, supported, commented, loved, recced etc. etc. etc. my other works! your kind words fueled me to keep writing and i'm incredibly grateful to all of you. :))
> 
> ok i digress...send me your thoughts, comments, concerns or whatever your heart desires [@avocadolouie](http://avocadolouie.tumblr.com)  
> happy reading, loves :))

** Day 1 **

 

It’s hot.

Overbearingly so. The kind of raw, all-encompassing heat that could easily suffocate anyone from the seemingly peaceful clutches of serene slumber. Louis especially.

It’s hot _and_ heavy.

Really, really heavy. Almost to an uncomfortable degree, but not nearly enough to completely wake Louis. The hefty encumbrance easily overtaking the span of his entire body. Eyes still closed, Louis squirms under the pressure, trying to find a fleetingly comfortable position in the bed.

It’s hot, heavy, _and_ hard.

Louis stirs groggily in his sleep, face pressed into the plush crinkles of his pillow, adjusting to the new pressing weight against his back, pushing his body down against the mattress. He doesn’t really wonder what it is, even shrouded in the haze of sleep and disorientation, Louis would know the familiar press of this particular weight anywhere.

It’s hot, heavy, hard, _and_ …Harry.

Of course, Harry. The four H’s that all together always seem to be equivalent to his husband.

“Hi.” Louis feels kissed tenderly against the back of his neck in a lazy soft greeting. “Good morning.”

Louis squints one bleary eye open, the early morning light flooding into their master bedroom and assaulting his senses in downright wicked ways. “Babe…I can't…breathe...”

“Mmmm.” Harry sighs contently, nuzzling his cheek against the thin cotton of Louis’ t-shirt, full bodyweight lying over Louis entirely. 

Louis squirms halfheartedly underneath, feebly fighting the hot, heavy press of his husband with no such luck. “If I had to describe it, I'd say it feels like a dead weight is fatally crushing me and my vital organs. Like maybe being in a garbage compactor? Or something, I don’t know…” He mumbles into his pillow, blowing out little huffs of air. “Are you trying to asphyxiate me?”

“Never.” Harry whispers gently, leaning up to nibble on the tip of Louis’ ear, fingers tracing light patterns along his sides.

“And yet…my lungs are being sufficiently obliterated by you, not to mention the rest of my poor sleeping body.”

“Mmmm.” Harry sighs again contently, not even slightly deterred by Louis’ weak protests. He slithers his arms under Louis to squeeze him tightly in a hug, adding even more pressure to his slight frame. “I love you.” 

“I love you too, but to be fair I also love breathing…and sleeping…” Louis murmurs in a daze, eyes closed. “Sleeping is so _so_ good and yet such a rare activity. I’m fairly certain that sleep is the love of my life. I’m not ready to part with sleep yet. I can’t. I _won’t_ …”

“Not even for me?” Harry slides his hands under the material of Louis’ tee, bunching it up to his shoulders and exposing his back, to which Louis makes no complaint. “The true love of your life?”

“Oh, please don’t make me choose.” Louis whines through lidded sleepy eyes, burying his face further into the silky pillowcase. “You might not like my choice.”

“Mmmm.” Harry softly hums again, lifting his body to hover over Louis before pressing his lips to the top of Louis’ bare back. He trails light, adoring kisses down the length of Louis’ spine, taking time to suck and caress the taut expanse of his exposed skin. “I'm going to miss you... and this…” Harry reaches the end of Louis’ spine, resting his head against the curve of his bum and hugging him close. “Yes, definitely _this_.”

“Is that why you’re assaulting me at the brink of dawn?” Louis grins against the sheets, eyes still close. “Because you’re going to miss me?”

“Yeah…” Harry nods against the swell of Louis’ ass, but his voice sounds a bit more serious than before, desolate almost.

Louis twists around, flipping himself over in the bed to lay on his back. Harry instantly gets readjusted to the sudden change of position, curling against Louis’ lower stomach and wrapping his arms around him tightly.

Harry has been moping around about his business trip to New York for the past week and the dreaded day of departure is among them. As much as he loves his job at Hearst Publishing as Creative Director, Harry doesn't see the point in leaving on account of work often. He is constantly making an active effort to avoid all international business trips, only attending local trips as not to miss out on any of the major life events of his four kids. Harry hates missing anything and he rarely does. He has worked hard to maintain a proper balance, establishing strong boundaries at work and keeping his priorities in order.

He tried absolutely everything to finagle his way out of this trip, from bribing Niall to take his place to practically begging his boss, Executive Director Melissa Henderson, all to no avail. Because of the nature of the particular trip, his presence as a director is nonnegotiable and vitally important. To say Harry is not thrilled about going would be a grave understatement. Once he realized he wouldn’t be able to get out of it, he started acting like he only had days left to live, sulking and brooding all over their house. Louis constantly reassures him, reminding that he’s overreacting and everything will all be fine, doing his best to bring Harry back to reality.

“Hey.” Louis whispers softly, sitting up a little and running his fingers through Harry’s hair. “It’s only a few days, babe. Not even a full week.”

“Mmmm.” Harry sulks in a heavy, despondent tone.

“You'll be back before you know it.”

“That's what you think.” Harry huffs.

“No, that’s what I _know_.”

“Mmmm.” Harry broods again, being as extra as ever. He wraps his body tighter around Louis’ middle, feet tangled together in the sheets.

“You aren’t being shipped off to war, you know?” Louis reminds flatly, pausing his fingers in Harry’s curls. “It’s just a business trip. A short five-day business trip.”

“I mean, I am going overseas so...”

“So…” Louis trails off in question, echoing Harry with an eyebrow raised.

“So…well…maybe it wouldn’t be quite so bad if…well…” Harry starts slowly, dragging out his words unnecessarily.

“…If what?”

Harry sighs dramatically, peering up at Louis with big vulnerable eyes. “If only I had something to recall once I’m gone...” He plays coyly with the waistband of Louis’ sweats, fingers creeping suggestively over the top and down against his bare skin. “Like the warm memory of a proper send off from my adoring husband.”

“Oh my god, you pouty manipulative baby!” Louis teases, smiling fondly as he smacks Harry’s hand away. “You’re worse than our kids.”

“Louis, I’m _leaving._ ” Harry emphasizes tragically, putting on his absolute best pitiful expression, unsettlingly sad eyes gazing into the very depths of Louis’ soul. Alarmingly, Harry’s emotional voice sounds as though he is only two seconds away from turning on the waterworks, eyes already getting misty.

“Ohh, you're very _very_ good. Very convincing, I can't say I'm totally unaffected by your conniving ways.” Louis chuckles, patting the Harry’s cheek gently. “In another life you should definitely be an actor, babe.”

“Aren’t you going to miss me?” Harry utters miserably, continuing to peer up at Louis with adorably sincere doe-eyes, blinking ever so slow and carefully timed. “I’m going to miss you. I’m going to miss you _sooo_ much. Sooo much that it hurts just to think about.” Harry melodramatically picks up Louis hand and presses it flat against his chest. “Feel that? That, right there, is the sound of my heart breaking.”

“Theatrics, theatrics, theatrics!” Louis shakes his head knowingly, always amused by his over-the-top spouse. “But, you know what? Theatrics…” His smile grows slowly, pausing for dramatic effect as he runs his fingers through Harry’s hair. “…will get you everywhere with me.”

“I am very aware of this.” Harry teases, downcast pout rapidly morphing into a smug grin as Louis. “I wouldn’t do it if it didn’t work.”

“I’m afraid you’ve become too self aware for your own good.” Louis jokes, cupping Harry’s grinning cheeks and pressing a light peck to the tip of his nose. “Quickie before you have to get ready to go?”

Harry surges up to seal their lips together as an answer, wasting no time in pulling Louis’ shirt off the rest of the way as they fall back into bed. Already on top of Louis, Harry adjusts to straddle his hips, grinding down as their sloppy kisses grow more heated and frantic.

“Wait...” Louis sits up suddenly, pushing Harry back as he glances around at their huge king-sized bed with a skeptical looking frown.

“What?” Harry murmurs distractedly against Louis’ skin, caressing the curve of his neck with his lips, one hand disappearing under the waistband of his sweatpants.

Louis brushes him off, completely extracting himself from Harry, much to his spouse’s dismay. He crawls over on all fours to the far corner of the bed slowly without any further explanation.

“Lou…what are you doing?” Harry grumbles at the sudden loss of warmth. “You’re wasting time we don't have.”

Louis pokes gently at a suspicious lump in the thick duvet, ignoring Harry’s questions.

“Oh I knew it!” Louis whisper-shouts as he flips back the duvet to reveal a fast asleep little boy curled up along the edge of the mattress. “There is a child in our bed, love.”

Harry nods as if he should have known all along. “There is a child in our bed.” He repeats, a small grin growing on his face. “Of course there is a child in our bed.” He repeats yet again, obviously. “A cute child though.”

“Oh very, _very_ cute.” Louis agrees easily with a soft smile. “Just not so cute in our bed. At this very moment. Right. Now.” 

“Hmmm.” Harry hums in agreement, tilting his head as he observes the small sleeping form carefully.

“Wait, how was he breathing under there?” Louis wonders staring down at his sleeping son. “Should we be concerned?”

“Concerned that our son creeps onto the foot of our bed in the middle of the night and sleeps curled up on the edge under all of the blankets like some kind of pet? I dunno, maybe?” Harry jokes, cracking a smile as he meets Louis’ eyes warmly. “Probably. Definitely.” 

Louis sighs impossibly, shrugging his shoulders. “Still cute though.”

“The cut _est_.” Harry corrects.

After several moments of silently, although creepily, staring at the resting little boy with baited breath, Louis tilts his head towards Harry slowly, one eyebrow raised in question. “Shower?”

“Shower.” Harry nods once in eager agreement.

Louis slips out of the bed quickly, Harry right at his heels, careful as not to wake the sleeping three-year-old boy. Chasing after each other giddily, they scramble to the en suite master bathroom, locking the door behind them.

Seven years of marriage and a total of fifteen years of being together has done nothing to diminish the spark between them. They still get a little thrum of excitement, even more so now as sexual encounters tend to be much harder to come by with the pressing presence of kids lurking at every corner. Literally every corner. Harry and Louis never quite know where they might be hiding.

Harry opens the glass shower door and fiddles with the knobs, while Louis just stares at him intently as if considering something for the first time.

“Oooh baby, I just love the way you turn a shower knob.” Louis compliments randomly as he starts stripping off his bottoms. “God, you’re just so damn hot! Mmm _yes_.”

Harry barks out a laugh in complete surprise, looking back over his shoulder at Louis curiously. “What?! The way I turn a shower knob? Really? That’s an odd compliment, but…ok?” 

“Last week you told me to talk dirty to you, but not in an obviously sexual kind of way.” Louis explains easily, reaching over to take off Harry’s t-shirt. “And that confused me for a bit—I'm not gonna lie, but you know, I think I got it now?” 

“You got it?” Harry questions teasingly, lifting one eyebrow in amusement and biting back a grin. 

“Yeah, H! You mean ‘talk domestic to me’. I got you, love. You and me, we’re like…” Louis points between his and Harry’s heads, widening his eyes and nodding knowingly. “We’re like _connected_. Far beyond just a physical level or even a marriage level. We are on the same fucking wave length. I got you and your weird kinks.” 

“No, that's not it, completely not what I meant at all.” Harry laughs, shaking his head as he continues to strip down. “You missed the point. Completely.”

“No!? _No!?_ Come on!” Louis throws his head back in disappointment, dropping his hands to his sides. “Let me have another go at it then.” 

Harry quirks his eyebrow again, utterly amused. “Be my guest.” 

“Alright, here we go…” Louis looks up for a moment thinking to himself, trying to think of the perfect non-sexual, sexual, domestic praise. “Umm…ok, this is good—I got it.” He squints his eyes in challenge at Harry, cracking his knuckles for dramatic effect. “Oh, god I love...um...I _looove_ how you used to shake up the formula bottle for our babies every morning.”

  Harry bursts into laughter again, squeezing his eyes shut and leaning against the shower door, obviously not expecting that to come out of his husband’s mouth. He really could have said anything and he went with that.

“You would just take that baby bottle and you would shake it so goddamn hard and mix it so well—mmmm and fuck, that wrist action was just...” Louis rolls his eyes back into his head, letting his mouth hang open “Ughhh yes! It turned me on every time, just perfection, instant hard on. So fucking hot, babe. I—”

“Oh just shut up and kiss me already.” Harry grins, interrupting Louis and pulling him into the shower. Louis grins back, following instructions and pressing Harry along the far wall of the glass shower to kiss him properly. Harry’s fingers desperately scrape down the defined muscles of Louis’ back, hitting the gentle spray of cascading water, while Louis works on sucking a mouth-size bruise along the groove of Harry’s neck, a well-known sweet spot. Harry obscenely groans, head falling down to the side to bite Louis’ shoulder as his hips start to rut.

“Daddyyy! Papaaa!” A tiny voice sounds faintly from some distant location in their bedroom. It's far too soft to make out through the bathroom door and over the sound of the shower. Plus, they may also be hopelessly distracted by other obvious reasons.

“Did you hear that?” Harry questions absentmindedly, breaking away for a moment.

“Hmm.” Louis moans distractedly against Harry’s purpling skin, still mouthing determinedly at the underside of his jaw. His eyes are closed and his hands are holding Harry steady, gripping his damp hips tightly.

“I swear, I heard—”

“DADDY! PAPA!” 

Louis, completely startled, slips and falls in shower landing hard on his bare bum. “Motherfucker! That hurts like a bitch! Goddamn!” He curses uncontrollably on impact, wincing against the sting of his backside.

“Oh, Lou!” Harry jumps to crouch down next to him “Are you ok? Did you hit your head? You aren't hurt, right? Nothing’s broken?” He cradles Louis’ head, cupped between his hands as he inspects him gently for injuries. “Babe, oh my god, I'm so sorry.” 

“Yeah…I'm ok, my ass is kind of throbbing though. Not kind of actually. _Is_ bloody throbbing like a lil’ fucker.” Louis rubs his bum, disgruntled grimace on his face. “No, pulsating is a better word. Pulsating like a lil’ fucker.” 

“My poor baby husband.” Harry coddles dramatically, poking out his bottom lip. “I'll massage it for you.” 

“Oh please do and—”

An increasingly urgent knock sounds against the door to their locked master bathroom, interrupting Louis. “Daddy! Daddy, where are you?! I need help! Papa! Papaaa!” Their eldest daughter calls from the other side of the door. It sounds like her cheek is pressed against the wood of the door to their bathroom.

Louis sighs, laughing at himself as he pulls his knees up to his chest. “Our children cockblock us at every turn.”

Harry chuckles in agreement as he stands to peaks head out of the glass shower. “Yes, Lilly! I’m in here, just erm…taking a shower!” Harry shouts loud enough to carry through the far bathroom door. “What's wrong, babes?”

“Everything!” Lilly complains, with astounding conviction. “I can’t find my yellow dress with the pretty daisies on it and I’ve looked everywhere and, _and_ I woke up this morning very very upset and sad because I remembered you’re leaving me today and, and, and!” She’s talking a mile a minute, hardly pausing to breathe as she explains the severity of her situation through the bathroom door. “And, my hair won’t stop falling in my face and I can’t see anything, which only makes it harder to find my favorite dress! And Daddy, I have to wear that dress because it makes me happy when I’m sad, but I can’t find it! So I’m just sad!”

“Oh that's horrible, Monkey. I’m sorry.” Harry empathizes genuinely, swatting Louis’ wandering hands away. “Oh my god, Lou stop.” He giggles, looking down at Louis, now sitting up, eye level with Harry’s dick in his grasp.

Louis licks his lips naughtily, twisting his wrist in a pleasurable angle causing Harry’s mouth to fall open. “I’m already down on my knees, might as well make good use of it.”

“I know, it _is_ horrible! That’s why I need help!” Lilly reminds with devout urgency. “And where is Papa?”

Louis being the menace that he is, chooses that moment to replace his hands with his mouth, taking Harry in fully. He moves his hands to Harry’s ass, steadying his slightly trembling hips.

“Ooohh…” Harry groans in complete surprise at the unexpected sensation, eyes fluttering shut. “He's...ahh—mmm…He is…w-well…” Harry bites down on his lip, in a feeble attempt to mask a building moan at the back of his throat. “You know what, Lilly? Let me j-just—haah… finish my…uhh… s-shower.” Harry stutters, frequency of his voice oscillating uncontrollably as Louis presses on with no mercy. “And then…I'll c-come help y-you find your d-dress.”

“Ok, but hurry! I need you now! Right now! Right now this very minute!” Lilly urges, as though it is quite literally the end of the world. Which, maybe it is for a six-year-old.

“Ok baby girl, Daddy is coming.” Harry promises, bracing the side of the shower for support, jaw going slack.

“Yeah he is.” Louis smirks inappropriately, flicking his tongue with practiced ease.

“Mfghhhcfuck, Louis!” Harry hisses in between escaped moans, gripping a rail on the shower wall. “This is traumatic! She may not know what sex is yet, but _still_! Catching your parents having sex is so traumatic!”

“Who said anything about being caught?” Louis shrugs from the shower floor on his knees, completely unfazed. “What our kids don’t know can’t hurt them. We have needs.” His hands slide over Harry’s wet, slippery skin, kneading his thighs. “So, _so_ many needs...” Without any warning, Louis readjusts the angle of his wrists to the base of Harry’s cock, twisting lightly before returning his mouth, combining both sensations.

Harry gasps suddenly in surprise, much louder this time, the muscles of his abdomen tightening. He clumsily knocks over several soap bottles on accident.

“Daddy, are you ok in there? Is the water too hot again? Did you burn yourself?” Lilly questions with sincere worry. “Should I go find Papa?” 

“See, she doesn't even know I'm in here.”

“Oh god…” Harry whimpers, head thrown back with a hand tangled up in Louis’ hair.

“Well, she will if you don’t shut up.”

“Daddy? Daddy, do you need help?” Lilly wonders innocently, face probably still pressed against the bathroom door.

“Yes, Daddy. Do you need help?” Louis mimics teasingly, peering up at him through his wet lashes, eyebrow cocked coyly, lips still brush Harry’s flesh. Definitely not as innocent.   

“Fucking shit…” Harry mumbles under his breath, biting down hard on his lower lip and lulling his head to the side, trying so desperately to be quiet. “Um…uh…I'm f-fine, sweetheart!” He tries, voice shaky as he shouts though the bathroom door to his daughter. “I'll um…be there in a…haah—mmm m-minute. Just w-wait uhhh…for me in your r-room and I'll be right there, I p-promise.”

“Ok Daddy, but please hurry! I need my dress!”

Harry let's out another low moan, the second his daughter quit camping out outside their bathroom door, unable to keep it in any more. Louis continues sucking him off, all hollowed cheeks and wet lashes, adoring eyes and worshiping hands. The borderline risky nature of the whole ordeal is basically enough to send Harry over the edge, coming into Louis’ mouth.

“You’ve never been one for quiet.” Louis stands to his feet, proudly smirking as he licks his lips. He cradles his hands to Harry’s blissed out face.

“Lou…” Harry whines in a post orgasmic haze, nuzzling his head against the gentle touch of Louis’ hand.

“Yeah baby, what is it?” Louis pulls him closer, attaching his lips to Harry’s in a messy kiss. “What do you want?”

“I…I have to…mmmm...” Harry sighs distractedly, eyes wavering closed as his hands slide to Louis’ waist. “I…I…have to go…”

“No…” Louis murmurs against damp, puckered skin, continuing to sloppily make out in between words. “No stay…stay with me, love.”

“I gotta…I gotta…go...” Harry mumbles weakly, letting his head fall to the side as Louis lips start to travel down slowly, their arms tight around each other. “The...um...the yellow dress…”

“No, nooo.” Louis groans, lifting his head to meet his spouse’s eyes. “We haven't really done anything, yet.”

“I have to, I promised. She's waiting and she'll just come back like kids do.” 

“We’ll be quick.” Louis promises, not for a second loosening his grip on Harry, if anything holding him tighter. “Hence the point of a quickie.”

“You know our daughter Lou, she isn't going to wait for long.” 

“Yes, I do know our daughter, which is how I know that she is perfectly fine, it's not even that urgent of an issue. Unlike this.” Louis gestures down to his own painfully hard crotch. “This is urgent very very urgent, Haz.”

“But _Louis_...” Harry whines in confliction, sounding genuinely torn as he dips down to mouth at Louis’ collarbones apologetically.

“Don’t do this to me. Don’t leave, I’m all worked up and I get that you might be somewhat satisfied now, but think about me. You’re abandoning your husbandly duties.”

“But there are also conflicting fatherly duties.” Harry counters, giving him another repentant kiss.

“All this arguing and we could have fucking done it by now!” 

“I owe you.” Harry runs his hands through Louis’ damp fringe, caressing his forehead.

“I got out of my warm bed for you. I am standing here in this shower buck ass naked and wet for you. I just got down on my knees for you and blew you and you have the audacity to leave me? _Now_!?”

“I know, I know.” Harry groans, running his hands up and down Louis’ sides comfortingly. “And you have never looked better. Absolutely gorgeous, sexy AF, fit as fuck, fine as hell. God, I'm just so goddamn lucky. My husband is the hottest DILF. Hashtag blessed, hashtag goals.”

Louis blinks at him flatly, utterly unamused. “Is that all the slang you know rolled into one sentence? Because to say I'm even slightly impressed would be a grave overstatement. And you do realize ‘AF’ and ‘as fuck’ are the same thing, yes?”

“Don’t be salty.” Harry whispers, pecking Louis’ lips. “I'll make it up to you and then some, I promise. I always do.”

“Leave this shower and you are driving the final nail in our sex life coffin.” Louis threatens with dread. “We are rapidly becoming one of those dry as hell married couples, basically rocking a chastity belt and twiddling our thumbs for fun.”

“Do I love you because you're wonderful…” Harry slowly moves towards the shower door, amused grin on his face. “Or are you wonderful, because I love you?”

“Harry, don't pull that shit with me! I swear if you step out of this shower...”

“Lou, you act like we never have sex when in fact I think we are quite crafty about it. Stealthy even. I mean—we do well, like, _really_ well.” 

“Don't you dare...” Louis warns again, watching Harry open the glass door, poised and ready to hop out.

Harry not only hops out of the shower, but he shuffles across the spans of the master bathroom, heading straight for the door, only pausing to tie a towel around his waist.

“In fact, two weeks ago in the mini van…” Harry wags his eyebrows teasingly with a stupid grin on his face as he stands positioned by the doorway. “Remember that? Probably some of our best work all year. Brag worthy, really.”

“Harry...”

“You know, we should really start ranking our sexcapades. It would prove how far we’ve come.” Harry suggests offhandedly, hand gripping on the door handle.

“Edward...”

Harry turns the handle slowly. “Maybe make it like a little competition to do better. Keep us youthful and on our toes and all that.” 

“Tomlinson...” Louis grunts dramatically through his gritted teeth, narrowed eyes glaring.

“I loooove you, my very beautiful, beautiful spouse and father of my also very beautiful, beautiful offspring, who desperately happen to need us right now...don’t be mad, ok bye.” Harry rushes, hurriedly swinging the bathroom door open and running out while holding his towel securely on his hips.

“Harold!” Louis calls again, following after him but tragically loosing his footing yet again, slipping on the wet shower floor. “Goddammit! Twice in one day! When did I become my husband? Geez Tomlinson, do better.” He mumbles to himself, rubbing his sore bum. 

“Lou!” Harry comes back into the bathroom, worry etched on his forehead after having heard the heavy thud through the door. “Again? No offense, baby but—”

“Don’t say it please. Let me keep some semblance of pride.”

“Ok, um…are you ok though. Like—you didn’t break your ass did you? Because it’s a bit of a staple in my life and I don’t want to part with it just yet.” 

“Yepppp.” Louis drags out, giving a weak thumbs up as he winces against the sting of both his wounded backside and pride. “We’re good.” 

“Mmk good.” Harry coddles, pressing his lips softly to the corner of Louis’ mouth before pulling back. “Because Parker is awake now simultaneously stripping out of his pajamas and jumping up and down on our bed, shouting about cereal and Elmo. Which means the twins are probably going to hear him, if they haven’t already, and consequently wake up and also start wailing and _then_ —”

“Yeah I got it, love.” Louis nods in understanding. “You go deal with Lilly, I’ll get Parker and whoever finishes first can start with the twins.” 

“Looove you.” Harry croons sweetly, kissing Louis’ forehead before exiting the bathroom.

“Mhmm.” Louis hums bitterly, as he starts to stand to his feet and exit the shower stall. “‘I’ll miss you’ he says with his big-green-pity-me-eyes. ‘I love you’ he says with his pouty-fuck-me-I’m-leaving-soon-lips.” Louis grumbles, mimicking Harry’s earlier sentiments in a whiny tone. “I should have just kept on sleeping and ignored him, my ass would have thanked me two times over.”

After toweling off, Louis opens the bathroom door to find his three-year-old son just as Harry described, jumping up and down on their bed, clothed only by a tiny pair of pants covering his bum.

“Papa! Hi! Papa!”

“Good morning, my love.” Louis greets warmly, smiling at the little bundle of uncontainable energy, also known as Parker. “I see that you are already naked. Isn’t it a bit too early for that, Parker? Let’s go get you dressed, ok? And then I’ll make you breakfast.”

At that Parker abruptly hops off the bed, landing on all fours before wildly sprinting out of the room, screaming at the top of his lungs for no apparent reason other than just to utilize his vocal cords.

Louis blinks several times, wondering how the simple mention of clothes and breakfast warranted that kind of response, but what's new in this house? A typical Tomlinson morning is well on its way.

 “And so it begins…”

 

||||

 

For the eighth time since coming downstairs, Parker has run zipping by the kitchen, each time lacking another article of clothing, all the while singing the theme songs for his favorite TV shows. Louis almost has to wonder why he even bothers every morning to try and clothe that little boy’s bum when he is much more content in being one hundred percent naked, one hundred percent of the time.

“Parker, please put your pants back on, alright?” Louis requests as the toddler streaks past his legs in the kitchen again, willfully ignoring his plea.

“Whhhyyy!” Parker skids across the dark wood floor, shouting riotously, no signs of stopping in his immediate future.

Louis sighs, shaking his head as he pours himself a fresh cuppa. He leans his elbows over the edge of the kitchen island, holding his tea with both hands while watching his son fly back and forth. “Buddy, I thought you were hungry? I’m not feeding you until you sit down at the table with your pants back on.”

“Nooooooo!” The toddler yodels, arms flailing above his naked body.

“Naked already?” Harry asks as he walks into the kitchen with an 11-month-old twin on each hip, observing Parker amusedly.

“That’s exactly what I said.” Louis comments, taking a sip of his tea. “That child is undoubtedly the fruit of your loins. Especially with his profound aversion to even the idea of clothes and being clothed.”

Harry chuckles, rocking his hips from side to side. “He likes to be free, I can’t really blame him for that.”

“Yeah, I mean that’s all nice and good and cute when he’s at home Haz, but he can’t go around stripping and streaking in public. He doesn’t get the difference.” Louis protests, setting his mug down and standing up straight. “Last week, at Tesco’s, oh my _god_. I turned around for hardly half a second and then suddenly he was standing straight up in the cart, totally starkers, singing about goldfish crackers without a single care in the world. And the poor, poor shoppers around us were all averting their eyes awkwardly as I attempted—failed—to wrestle him back into his clothes in the middle of the produce section. You can’t tell me that’s not at least a bit problematic.”

“Hmm.” Harry hums teasingly, obviously amused. “I do see your point.”  

“So anyway, this morning I spent the last forty minutes wrangling him into a full matching outfit, a really adorable outfit actually, only to have him strip himself back down to completely naked the second I turned my back.”

“A wild, free spirit.” Harry laughs admirably, watching Parker glide through the kitchen again, tousled hair bouncing behind him as he completes another circuit around the large house.

“Parker, pants!” Louis calls after his son. “No one wants to see that! Especially not in the kitchen.”

“I hate pants!” Parker declares as loud as his tiny voice will carry. “No, no, noooooo!” 

Louis sighs, giving up the fight for now and turning back to Harry. “So how is Lilly?”

“She’s alright. Or she will be, I hope.” Harry nods slowly, bouncing his hips a little as the twins in his arms start pulling at his hair. “I helped her find the magical yellow dress and then I braided her hair, but she’s still very upset about me leaving.”

“Poor thing. She always takes everything so hard. Meanwhile, this one…” Parker zooms between their legs screaming the theme song for _Elmo's World_ at the top of his lungs, apparently having the time of his life.

“Ok, how about I try and catch him.”

“I'd like to see you try.” Louis scoffs, neither impressed or convinced as he sips his mug slowly.

“Oh I will try. And I will succeed. Watch and learn, Lou. Watch and learn.” Harry challenges cockily, trading off the two babies to Louis. “Here, take Max and Maddi.”

“Hello my beautiful little babies.” Louis coos kissing each of their chubby cheeks as he takes them from Harry. “How are we this morning?”

Maddi and Max babble missense noises over each other, making grabby hands at Louis’ face.

“Yeah? Very, very good.” Louis answers as though he understands exactly what they’re saying. “Well, I imagine that you must be very hungry.” He deposits them both in an enclosed playpen adjacent to the kitchen, so he can set about making their breakfast.

“Hiii! Hi!” Maddi babbles repeatedly as Louis sets her down. Ever since she starting talking, she has been extremely attached to the word, using it solely as her major form of communication. She’ll sing it, cry it, scream it, giggle it, use it in greeting, in farewell, whenever, wherever. It really makes no tangible difference to her. “Hii! Hiiii!”

“Hi, Maddi! Hi! I see you, love.” Louis coos, blowing on her cheeks before standing to his feet.

“Toe-toes!” Max squeals, standing up against the rails of the playpen and bouncing his chunky legs.

“Yeah, Maxy potatoes, I know. I’m on it.” Louis nods, opening up the refrigerator to take out the necessary ingredients, obliging to the baby’s odd obsession with anything potato related. All the while, Harry and Parker breeze past the kitchen, Harry falling behind. “Hey Haz, can babies develop a food allergy from eating the same food too often? What do you think? It’s possible right?”

“Erm…well…he’s on a very balanced diet and it’s only once a day, I think he should be fine?” Harry shouts from the family room. “It’s only a vegetable.”

“It’s a starch.” Louis adds, jutting his hip out against the granite countertop as he googles the question on his phone. “Hmm…”

“Willlyyy! Willlyyyyyyyy! Willyyyyy!” Parker shouts deafeningly as he sprints by again, this time Harry is right on his heels, with a pair of underwear in tow.

“Parker, please!” Harry begs desperately, darting after his son.

“I gotta find Willy, Daddy!” Parker shouts over his shoulder, seeing no justifiable reason to slow down.

“Sooo…” Louis starts, still conducting a mini research investigation from his phone as he leans against the kitchen island. “I’m looking it up, right…and it seems to be ok? Well, as long as we rotate his diet throughout the day.”

“Told you!” Harry yells in response, rounding the corner of the dinning room in hot pursuit.

“It never hurts to wonder these things, H. And it does say to also alternate his diet seasonally, so it was worth checking out, I suppose. Although Max is so attached to potatoes, he’d probably have a right fit every morning if we cut them out completely.” Louis rambles, pocketing his phone and setting about prepping and cutting potatoes into little bite sized pieces to bake in the oven. “Anyway, did you catch Parker yet?”

Just as Louis asks, the suspect in question once again circles through the kitchen, just a blur of dark blonde ringlets and bare skin. “I’ll take that as a strong no.”

“Almooost!”  

“Mmm, somehow I doubt that to be true.” Louis comments offhandedly, placing the tiny cubes on a baking tray in organized rows. “Our son is running around naked screaming ‘Willy’ at the top of his lungs and it's considered normal in our house. Just reflect on that for a moment.” 

“Ok, but he means Lilly.” Harry points out in the midst of chasing Parker around the couch for the sixth time, tripping over a toy train set. “And yeah…we really need to get him to understand the _L_ sound.” 

“Oh, I think he does understand.” Louis counters, popping the loaded tray into the preheated oven. “He has no problem with the other _L_ ’s in her name. He graduated from calling her ‘Wiwy’ to ‘Willy’, but has no intention or interest in calling her Lilly.”

“Speech is tricky to grasp, Lou. Give him time. He just turned three!” Harry shouts from who knows where in the house. “Come on Parker, let Daddy help you.”

“No, Daddy no!” Parker protests adamantly. “I no want help and I no want cwothes!”

“Hmm…I should cut up some fruit.” Louis mumbles to himself, completely unbothered by the mad charade going down around him. Just another average day in the Tomlinson household. “Lilly will probably want apples. Or maybe pears? Ehh, I’ll just do both. Maddi loves pears.”

“Hiii!” Maddi squeals happily at the sound of her name.

“Yes, I’m talking about you, Maddison Jay.” Louis smiles, leaning over the counter to wave at his bubbly baby girl.

“Willyyy! Willy, where are you?” Parker calls out desperately in his small voice, looking for his older sister under the table. 

“Hey buddy come on, let's put some clothes on, yeah?” Harry tries again, still pursuing his speedy son. “Clothes are great, clothes are fun!”

“Noooooooo!” The little boy pops out from under the table and streaks swiftly into the living room. “I free! I freeeee!” 

“He also hasn't really gotten the hang of contractions or proper grammar yet.” Harry adds with heavy exhausted breath. “But the important thing is that he’s learning and—Parker! Get off of the coffee table! We don’t dance on top of furniture!”

Louis rolls his eyes and goes back to cutting fruit. He casts his gaze over his shoulder at Maddi and Max perfectly occupied playing in their baby-proof pen with each other. “Can you guys believe how fast and wild your older brother is? He’s got Daddy panting and wheezing. Absolutely _hilarious_!” Louis busts up laughing to himself while slicing apples. “You’d think he just ran a marathon or something.”

“I am running a marathon!” Harry defends as he stumbles past the kitchen again.

“Yeah, with no trophy to show for it.” Louis cackles, watching his husband trip over himself.

“God, he's just _sooo_ fast...” Harry stops futilely, collapsing weakly against the kitchen counter, sounding actually winded. “How is that possible?”

“It's the lack of clothes to slow him down. Added agility and increased velocity.” Louis answers easily, turning to Harry and holding a slice of fruit to his mouth. “Apple?” 

Harry bites a chunk out of the offered apple slice and Louis pops the rest into his own mouth. “Lou, I swear I really did try to catch him, but he’s so small and fast and he keeps hiding under the dinning room table whenever I get close. I think he thinks it’s a game.”

“It’s ok, love. I will spare you the I Told You So Speech.” Louis laughs lightly, leaning up to kiss Harry’s cheek. “You tried your best, put up a good fight and all that.”

“Our son is an athlete!” Harry defends, nursing his pride with a pout. “And I work out! I run everyday! I’m in shape!”

“I know you are babe, I know.” Louis consoles with a fond grin, rubbing Harry’s back. “It’s ok. You really tried. But on the bright side, he’s gonna make a phenomenal footie player one day.”

Harry shakes his head disgruntledly, looking down at his watch. “Ugh, and it’s almost nine. Liam will be here any minute to pick me up. He’s never late.”

“You’ve got everything, right? You aren’t forgetting anything important? Ties? Socks? Laptop? Chargers? Erm…Passport?”

“Yeah yeah, it’s all by the door.” Harry assures, not sounding too concerned about any of that, instead looking around at the state of his household. “It’s just…I really hate to leave you like this. Parker is naked and basically uncontainable and Lilly is sulking somewhere about me leaving and the twins need to be fed and you’re all alone and I just…I feel so bad, Lou.”

“It's fine Haz, really, I can handle them. We'll be alright without you for a few days.” Louis reassures, going back to prepping fruit on the island. “I mean, it’s a bit unfortunate that your trip happens to be in the middle of the summer months when school is out, but I'm working on my cases from home, so I don't have to go in to the office at all this week. And Zayn and Niall said they'd come over to help. Oh and Nettie! Nettie loves helping with the twins, so it's all good, babe. Really.” 

“Nettie is at summer camp.” Harry reminds, biting his lip anxiously.

“Oh, that’s right…” Louis remembers, pausing for a moment. “Well, Zayn and Niall are enough anyway and if I was seriously in trouble our parents aren’t too far away, but I’m good! I promise Harry, I’ll be fine. Stop worrying.”

“I don’t doubt that you can handle it by yourself, but I don’t want you to have to. And I just really don't want to go. I've never left you guys for this long and it feels weird, I could miss something important. Maddi and Max could start walking any day now and I could end up missing their first steps.” Harry’s eyes suddenly grow panicked with first realization as his skin loses color. “Oh my god, I'm probably going to miss my babies' first ever steps! Lilly started at 13 months and Parker at a record breaking 9 months and the twins are right in between that and—”

“Harry, it's really ok, love. I know.” Louis comforts, setting down the knife and placing both hands on Harry’s waist. “You are an amazing and attentive father, the best really and you've never missed a single thing and you aren’t going to start now. I’ll just...um I'll keep them sitting and stationary the whole time until you get back. Not a single step until you come home.” 

Harry’s anxiousness breaks for a moment as he laughs at Louis’ ridiculous notion.

“I’m totally serious, I will strap these little babies down if I have to, Haz. There will be absolutely no unsupervised walking in this house!” 

“Well, don't suppress them completely, we don't want to disable our children.”  

“Worst case scenario, I stunt their growth a little, so what? Kids are tough.” Louis jokes, shrugging nonchalantly. “Especially our kids. Anyway, one business trip will not kill you.”

“It will. It most definitely will.” Harry sighs heavily, racking his hands through his hair. “Aside from the fact that I don't want to leave, this is probably the biggest account of my entire career and I have hardly any idea how I’m going to successfully pull this is off.”

“I know it is and you have nothing to worry about.” Louis raises to the tips of his toes to kiss the deep indent of Harry’s frown, smoothing it away. “The proofs and mockups you showed me were incredible and you will charm your clients and secure the deal and be back home with us before you know it.” 

A tiny little naked bum zooms by again, dirty blonde curls bouncing behind him in cascading waves. “Willlyyy!”

“Parker! Pants! Pants! PANTS!” Louis bursts in agitation, dropping back down to his usual height as he strongly advises the nude toddler whizzing past.

“No pants! No paaants! Nooo!” Parker keeps running, not even slightly fatigued as he waves his arms in the air.

Louis sighs heavily looking up at the ceiling for guidance “Why is my kid always naked? Just… why? What did I do?”

Right on the dot at 9 A.M., a car honks from outside the house. Harry peaks out of the kitchen window overlooking the driveway, groaning as his suspicions are confirmed. “Well, that’s Liam, I gotta go.” 

“Nooo!” Lilly storms in suddenly with tears rimming in her bright sapphire eyes, finally making a reappearance. “You can't leave, Daddy! You can’t! I won't let you!”

“I'll be back, Monkey.” Harry reminds gently. “We talked about this.” 

“Nooo!” Lilly runs over to Harry and grabs his legs, clinging to him with all four limbs entangled around his lower body. She buries her head into the material of his trousers and starts full on sobbing. “I don’t want you to leave!” 

“Daddy? You’re going bye-bye?” Parker, having temporarily ceased his running, looks up at Harry with wide worried eyes.

“Only for a little while, bud.” Harry nods, ruffling Parker’s curls.

“Nooo!” Parker cries along with his sister. He doesn’t bother climbing Harry’s legs, instead just plops down next to his other foot and holds on to his ankle with both arms. “Don’t weave me, Daddy!”

“I’m not leaving for very long, Parks.”

 “I put on pants for you. If you not weave.” Parker promises, lip quivering as peers up at Harry with little tears in his eyes.

“I’ll be back, I promise.” Harry tries, looking down at his tearful kids.

At the sight of her eldest siblings crying, Maddi also starts crying from the playpen which sets off a chain reaction with the remaining twin, Max. All of a sudden there are so many noises it’s hard to identify what is coming from where. The oven dings promptly, indicting the potatoes are ready, the TV sounds loudly in the background from when Parker turned it on earlier, a musical stuffed bear sings the ABC’s from the family room, all the while constant reverberations of four sad crying children ring throughout the house.

Chaos, absolute _chaos_. 

Harry looks to his husband for help, seeming impossibly lost and helpless with Parker and Lilly grappled tightly to his legs. He tilts his head tragically as if he might start crying along with his children at any minute.  

Louis nods, understanding Harry’s silent plea, ready to answer his distress signal. He kneels down next to their eldest children, placing a hand on each of their backs. “Hey loves, hey. Daddy will only be gone for a few days, it’s going to all be ok. We are going to have sooo much fun while he’s gone and it’ll go by so fast and then he will be back before you know it. You’ll be ok.”

Harry crouches down and both of his kids wrap their small arms around his neck, hugging him tightly. “I love you both so much.” He turns his head to kiss each of their cheeks. “I’ll miss you everyday and I’ll call all the time, I promise.”

“Ok, come here bud, come on, you’re alright.” Louis pries Parker up first, rubbing his bare back soothingly as he holds him. Parker instantly slings his tiny arms around Louis’ neck, nuzzling against him as he cries.

Lilly is much harder to move, living up to her given nickname as she clings to Harry like a monkey to a tree.

“Lilly, baby. Come on, Daddy has to go.” Louis says gently, hand on her arm.

“Whenever you need me just call, ok?” Harry whispers in her ear softly.

She nods quietly and slowly loosens her hold on Harry’s neck. “Here Daddy, I made you this.” Lilly slips a glittery multicolored bracelet from her wrist and slides it onto Harry’s. “You can’t take it off, ok? Promise?”

“Oh, it’s beautiful, Monkey.” Harry awes genuinely, caressing her tearstained cheeks. “Thank you, I won’t take it off, I promise.”

Harry lets her go to say his goodbyes to the twins and Lilly spins around instantly to grip Louis’ leg, holding his free hand tightly as she buries her head against the fabric of his joggers.

“Bye bye sweet little babies.” Harry coos at Maddi and Max, setting each of the twins back into the playpen after kissing their cheeks softly. “Daddy loves you. Please don’t start walking without me, ok? You’ll make Daddy cry if you do.”

As Harry walks away from them, the twins each start crying again sensing something is different. Louis shifts Parker on his hip with one arm while holding his eldest daughter’s hand in the other. “Really, we are fine, totally fine. I've got this. Really—”

The oven starts beeping urgently again, previously forgotten. “Oh! The oven! The Potatoes!”

Lilly unexpectedly removes her hand from Louis’ and storms off, still crying. Parker, watching his sister leave starts squirming and twisting in Louis’ arms wanting to be put down. Louis sets him on the floor and he chases after Lilly always needing to be near her.

“They’ll be fine.” Louis tries, observing Harry’s increasingly sad expression as he watches their kids run off in tears. “It’s always hard initially.”

Harry tilts his head in sympathy, listening to the cries of his kids echoing through the house. “I can't do it. I really can't. I just can't leave you like this. I mean, look! They all need something and there is only one of you and—”

“Baby.” Louis whispers soothingly, snaking his arms around his husband and pulling him close in an attempt to console him. “We are ok. You know how much I love a challenge. Don't worry, I've got it. Go kill it in New York.”

“I love you.” Harry dips down to kiss Louis, hands cupping his face on either side.

“I love you too. Call me when you land, ok?”

“Of course.” Harry inches towards the door, collecting his luggage. “Oh! Don't forget to take Lilly to her violin lesson and make sure she practices because she always makes every excuse in the book about why she can't practice.” 

“Yes, I know, love.” Louis nods, following Harry towards the front door.

“Ok.” Harry steps a little closer to the door before turning around again. “And also, I bought like a ton of veggies yesterday, so make sure they eat them as a snack so they don't go bad.”

“Got it.”

“Uh…and Parker needs to—”

“Harry. Get out of our house. Now.” Louis demands, hands on Harry’s back, pushing him along. “You’ll be late and Liam has been waiting. You know how he gets.”

“Ok. Right, ok.” Harry says mostly to himself, hand on the door knob, leaving obviously hard on him. He turns around one more time. “Call me if anything happens, and I do mean anything. Anything and everything.”

“I will, H. I promise.” Louis whispers, leaning up to press a final farewell kiss to his lips.

“Bye, I love you.” Harry reminds again, still only partially out of the house. “Tell the kids I love them, too.”

“Yes, yes. They love you, I love you. Go!” Louis urges, smiling as he practically forces Harry the rest of the way through the door.

The door shuts behind Harry and the noise continues on throughout the house. Louis pauses for a second, trying to decide which pressing issue he should address first when the familiar sound of tiny feet against wood floor grows louder and louder.

Parker, unsurprisingly being the quickest child to bounce back over Harry’s departure, runs by again waving his small arms in the air. It's like he truly enjoys doing nude laps around the house just for the hell of it.  _Why?_

“Parker Rhys Tomlinson, if you don't put some pants on right now! So help me _god_!”

 

||||

 

“You’re sitting by me Liam, ok?” Harry reminds for the umpteenth time since meeting Liam this morning as they successfully maneuver through airport security. “No excuses.”

“You are quite adamant about this, aren’t you?” Liam chuckles, adjusting the strap of his laptop bag.

“Of course I’m adamant! I have to be proactive about this! Or else Melissa will sit next to me and talk my ear off the entire flight and I can’t deal with that today. I refuse! Fucking promise me, Liam.” Harry meets Liam’s eyes in desperation. “My livelihood is at stake.”

“Geez, alright alright. I promise, chill out.” Liam holds up his hands in surrender.

“Morning gents!” President Richards greets cheerful, holding a to-go cup of coffee.

“Hello sir.” Liam and Harry respond in unison, although Liam is preoccupied eyeing his steaming coffee cup enviously.

“Hey, so…where did you get coffee?” Liam asks curiously, leaning in. “I feel like the walking dead this morning.”

“Oh, Starbucks Coffee Cart, right past Gate 7.” President Richards points down the corridor.

“Great, thanks.”

Harry grabs Liam’s shoulder before he completely makes an escape. “Li, don’t be late. Remember. Our agreement.” Harry eyes him seriously, eyebrow raised. He’s sure that Liam can feel the stress radiating from his body.

“I know mate, I know! Relaaax. I’ll be back!” Liam assures with a quick pat to Harry’s chest. “And because I’m such a good friend, I’ll even bring you a latte.”

“There is coffee on the plane!”

“Eh…not the good kind.”

“ _Liam_.” Harry purses his lips flatly. “It’s the company jet, it’s fully stocked with various brews, I’m sure.”

“So that’s a no to the latte or…?” Liam narrows his eyes, still inching backwards.

Harry sighs disgruntledly, letting him go. “Fine. But be quick.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’ll be back before you can miss me.” Liam winks, jetting off towards the coffee cart.

“Are your nails painted?” President Richards asks out of the blue, gesturing to Harry’s fingers gripping his phone.

Harry looks down at his fingers, caught off guard. “Oh yeah, erm…mint green. Lilly painted them last night. We had a spa night. But I’ll take it off before we land and meet our clients, of course.”

“Oh I don’t care, Harry.” President Richards assures with a shrug. “Far be it from me to crush a child’s dreams and hard work. And it’s a such a lovely shade.”

“You don’t think it’s a bit unprofessional or anything?”

“Ehh nah.” President Richards shrugs. “I've raised my fair share of daughters, I know what it's like. And I think the color eludes to creativity which is the foundation of your job title so…rock it.”

“Thank you, sir.” Harry chuckles lightly; The President of Hearst Publishing is always proving just how cool of a guy he really is.

“So how’s the husband doing?”

“Oh he’s good, yeah…we’re good.” Harry nods with an easygoing smile.

“Good, good.” President Richards takes a long sip of his coffee. “I’ve actually been meaning to give Louis a ring. I have a project I want him to work on with me, I need a lawyer to help draft up a few things.”

“Oh he’ll love that, I’m sure. I’ll give him a heads up for you.” Harry assures. “How's the wife?”

“Lovely as ever.” President Richards smiles warmly. “But…well…she's on this huge kick about spicing up things in the bedroom. Not that we’re erm…boring or anything but…you know, you do develop a bit of a routine after so many years together.”

Harry widens his eyes in surprise. If eight years ago someone would have told him that the President of Hearst Publishing would be divulging the details of his sex life to him, Harry would have laughed outright in their face. But over the years, especially after officiating his wedding, they’ve developed quite an unsuspected bond. President Richards basically adopting him as the son he never had and Harry looking to him as a sage role model and mentor.  Yet, role model or not, talking about sex with President Richards holds all the discomfort and awkwardness of swapping sex stories with his actual dad, which—gross.

“So now, every time I come home, she’s got a new thing or position or idea or whatever that she wants to try but—oh my god, Harry!” President Richards sighs heavily, leaning in closer with wide eyes. “I am not a young man anymore. I am _tired.”_

Harry can do nothing but stare unblinkingly, jaw slack with shock. It’s too much. The visuals, the concept, the process, all of it. This conversation is cancelled. How did they get here, anyway?

“I mean, it’s great. Of course, it’s great. We’ve been really adventurous, made some pretty exciting memories but—it’s so much? All the time? My god, the woman is insatiable!” President Richards continues, just rambling on as if talking about the weather. “You know, if it wasn’t for that little blue pill, I swear to god I’d be dead. I’d be long dead and gone by now. You don't have that problem do you? You and Louis are still young and bright spirited.”

“Well, uh…” Harry coughs repeatedly, rubbing the back of his neck uneasily. “No, not exactly _that_ problem, but uh...we do have other issues though. We have a house full of little kids…so…”

“Oohhh.” President Richard sighs sympathetically in understanding, peering at Harry over the top of his glasses. “I do _not_ miss that. My baby girls are all grown and married now and I love them all impossibly of course, but when they were little I could count on one hand how many times my wife and I successfully had sex and each time it seemed to result in another baby girl.”

“Well, at least Louis and I don't have to worry about that.” Harry jokes, chuckling awkwardly.

“Ha! Count your blessings, son.” President Richards advises with a smile. “Five girls, Harry. I had five, _unplanned_ girls.”

Harry has actually met his daughters, at a Christmas party he and Louis attended a few years back. Even as adults, they are a rambunctious and dramatic group of ladies, very opinionated and extremely vocal. Harry can only imagine what it must have been like as the only male in a house full of high-spirited girls while they were growing up. “Well, it makes sense that you have such a soft spot for nail polish.”

President Richards laughs full on at that, placing a hand on Harry’s shoulder. “When I say I know, _I know_.”

Harry grins, always finding himself a bit endeared by the man, awkward conversation or not.

“Well, we should probably board. I’ve got a brand new 7-hour audiobook to listen to and I’m so excited!” President Richards enthuses, reminiscent of a giddy overgrown child, which most of the time he is.  
Harry boards the jet and takes a window seat leaving the isle seat next to him for Liam. He feels anxious about the open seat beside him, even though oddly enough he hasn’t seen any sign of his boss all morning. It’s not really like her to be anything but early and—

“Is this seat taken?”

Speak of the devil.

Harry immediately leans over into the adjacent seat, practically preserving it with his own body and honor. “Um well, yes actu—”

Completely disregarding both Harry’s words and actions, not to mention his draped body for that matter, Melissa slips herself right into Liam’s seat, not appearing to think anything of it.

“Ooh no…” Harry shakes his head repeatedly, retreating back into his own seat fully. Internally he curses the stars, he curses himself and most of all he curses Liam for being unable to forget about the damn lattes. “No, I’m sorry, but Liam is sitting there. He was just getting some last minute coffee.”

“Oh well, I’m sure he can sit one aisle over.” She brushes off easily, unfazed as she starts to get settled into the seat. “And anyway I wanted to go over a few things about our part of the presentation.”

“Of course you do.” Harry sighs heavily, eyes twitching with rising annoyance as Melissa wastes not a single second and dives right into full conversation.

Over the past few years Harry has moved past completely hating his boss, admirably putting the past aside and learning to tolerate her as best he can. He really does love his job and Melissa happens to be a casualty that comes with the career. But she is certainly not his favorite person and never will be. In fact, he actively avoids any and all non-work related conversation at all costs, despite her increasing attempts to befriend him. Sometimes Harry feels kind of bad for her and entertains simple small talk with her in passing. She doesn’t seem to have many friends and she oddly seems to consider him a friend. How she came to that conclusion, Harry has no idea, but he just goes with it just enough to keep the peace.

“…We’ve just got to nail it from the beginning. This account is huge.” Melissa chatters almost mindlessly as she simultaneously taps away on her phone.

Harry spots Liam filing onto the plane balancing two coffee cups. He scans the seats lightly, looking for Harry. Once he finds him, Liam assesses the situation meeting Harry’s pleading eyes with sympathy.

Liam winces, dramatically mouthing, “Yikes.”

Harry scowls back bitterly, narrowing his eyes as Liam starts to take an empty seat in an adjacent aisle. As if he hadn't already done enough, Liam turns in his seat to silently mouth a timid, “Sorry”, offering Harry a pitiful look.

Harry could kill Liam. In spirit and in truth. He would at least do him the courtesy of flipping him off, if his boss wasn't looming into his personal space and watching his every move. Harry should have made arrangements to sit with President Richards instead, all he is planning on doing is blissing out peacefully to his new audiobook, he would leave Harry the fuck alone.

Liam lifts one of the cups as a peace offering, hesitant expression on his face and Harry grips the armrests of his chair and shakes his head furiously, because coffee is just not enough right now. What is coffee going to do for him now? Wake him up so that he is overly alert and awake to hear about whatever his boss’s current problems are? Because once she is done berating him about work, it’s on to personal matters Harry has no interest in hearing about.

About her cat with the weird dry coat condition, or about how she is dying to renovate her condo, but can’t decide on a theme, or how some random restaurant keeps getting her usual order wrong and ruining her evenings, or about her ex or her other ex or any of her long list of exes that continually prove to her that love is dead. Or, god forbid, she’ll make some uncalled for, sexually loaded comment that after he calls her out on it, she will claim was not directed at Harry specifically, when it clearly it was, and he’ll have to fight the urge to crawl out of his skin and jump off the plane.

No coffee is complete shit at this point. Harry needs something more. Something stronger, something like—

“Cocktail?” A cheerful air hostess asks, pulling up an aisle beverage cart.

“ _Please_.” Harry insists, practically begging and jumping up at the concept, needing some kind of alcohol to numb the pain of a nearly nine-hour flight next to this woman.

Arguably, it’s bit too early to start guzzling cocktails and alcoholic beverages, but even still Harry tilts his head back and downs the entire drink in one go, all the while hearing Melissa’s voice incessantly chatting away. Who knows what she is talking about and who knows when or if it will ever stop. Automatically he realizes one cocktail is no where near enough and proceeds to flag the air hostess down for another.

“You know...actually, could I get another one? Flight jitters and all that.”

“Oh, of course sir.” The hostess nods with an empathic smile, obviously sensing the raw pain in his eyes. Even though that very pain has less to do with the flight itself and way more to do with his present company.

“Um sorry…you were saying?” Harry turns towards Melissa reluctantly, nursing his new cocktail like it’s his lifeline as he sinks into the plush comfort of his leather, reclining seat.

Melissa easily jumps right back into it, yakking away ceaselessly, essentially having an in depth ongoing conversation with only herself. Harry is far too busy utilizing all his humane abilities to completely block out the sound of her babbling voice and attempt to fall asleep with his eyes open.

 

||||

 

Louis successfully placates all four of his children in what he believes to be the best singlehanded attempt at parenting in the history of the world. Lilly is preoccupied watching Doc McStuffins, with a bowl of ice cream poised in her lap on the couch. Both twins have been fed and are currently down for their nap. Something Louis desperately wants so badly right about now and Harry has only been gone for three hours. 

As for Parker, Louis doesn’t actually know the precise location of the mischievous little toddler, but he does know that wherever he is, his body is fully clothed. Amen. Louis took amble precautions and dressed him in two full layers of clothing, hoping maybe, just maybe it will deter him from stripping down again.

Scratch that, Parker is definitely naked again.

He comes trotting into the kitchen while Louis is putting away the last few dishes, fingers digging in his nose as he watches Louis quietly. It’s like he came to the kitchen just to purposely demonstrate to Louis that he is once again taking a personal stand against clothing.

Louis purses his lips at him, sighing. “And where are your clothes now, little lad?”

“Gone.” Parker smiles proudly, grubby fingers still playing around in his nose. “Gone forever.”

“Hmm, I see…” Louis observes, rounding the counter to kneel in front of him. “Here let's take your fingers out of your nose and talk for a second.” He pulls Parker’s hands away from his face, lifting him up to setting him down in a chair.

“Parker, you have to wear clothes, ok?” Louis starts, eyeing the little boy seriously.

Harry and Louis have never really minded their son wanting to be naked all the time, the real problem arises when he goes out or to nursery school and starts striping down in public. Sadly, it doesn’t sound the best when the only little boy with two dads is always naked. Needless to say, the committee mothers at the nursery were proper scandalized and Louis and Harry have since done their fair share of schmoozing and apologizing, charming their way back to their former good graces with generous snack donations and copious fruit baskets.

“But I not wike them.” Parker declares, crossing his arms across his chest.

“Well I understand you don’t like them, but you have to wear them, bud. Sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to do. And for you, I guess wearing clothes is that thing.”

“Why?”

“Because that’s what people do.” Louis says simply, trying to keep the conversation as basic and uncomplicated as possible.

“Why?” Parker asks again with wide curious eyes.

It’s a bit hard to answer this question in a way that a toddler can grasp, but here goes nothing. “Um…well…because there are parts of you that are private and not everyone should see.”

Parker frowns at that, unsatisfied. “But…why?”

“It’s just how it is, Parks. It’s the rules.”

“Why?”

“I didn’t make the rules; it’s just how they are, ok. We all have to wear clothes. Aside from the privacy part, they also offer protection and um…it’s just a very necessary thing.”

“Mmm.” Parkers stares at Louis, scrunching his little face. “Why?”

“Because we live in a society that condones nudity due to societal pressures of conformity and conceptualizations of modesty that dictate what is conventionally acceptable.” Louis answers intellectually even though he knows Parker doesn’t understand half of those words. It won’t make much of a difference anyways because Louis already knows what his son’s default answer will be—

“Why?” Parker squints up at Louis, hand on his little bare hips.

“Buddy…” Louis tilts his head.  “Come on, enough with the why’s.”

“What? I wanna know why I not be naked awl the time.”

“But I just told you why!” Louis reminds. “And it may seem unfair to you now, but it’s not personal it’s just how life is.”

“Hmmm.” Parker considers, furrowing his tiny brow. “But…why?”

Louis sighs, shaking his head exasperatedly. “I’ll tell you what…when Daddy gets home you can ask him why until your little heart is content, but until then we will all be wearing clothes in this house.” 

“But…why can’t _you_ tewl me why?” Parker points a small finger at Louis.

“I already did tell you why, remember?”

“No. No.” The toddler shakes his head repeatedly, swinging his little bare feet dangling from his chair. “I not remember what you said.”

“I just said it not even two minutes ago, Parker! In summary, I said that all people have to wear clothes because it’s just how the world works.”

“But Papa…” Parker pauses, lowering his voice to a whisper and widening his already large eyes at Louis. “ _Whyyy_?”

“Oh my god.” Louis looks up in pure disbelief. If his life was a TV show this would be the exact moment when he would turn his head and look straight into the camera as if filming an episode of _The Office._ “I’m not starting another round of never-ending why’s with you. For now, you will wear the clothes I put on your body and it’s no longer up for discussion.”

 

||||

 

After nine grueling hours of travel, Harry is finally checked into his hotel room. It’s been such a never-ending day; barely 2 PM and yet it feels so impossibly late, like the day should have been long passed over. But sadly, this endless day doesn’t even end for him here, he still has a lineup of introductory presentations and meetings to make it through. Honestly, fuck jetlag and fuck this trip.

Harry collapses down on the hotel bed, pulling out his phone to FaceTime Louis before he has to go to his first meeting.

“Whaddup hubs?” Louis greets playfully, making a silly face at Harry the second he answers the call.

Despite his sour mood, Harry can’t help but grin at his husband’s goofy face. “Hi babe. Just landed…how are things? Are they still upset?”

“Nah, I gave them ice cream and you have been all but forgotten.” Louis jokes. “Just kidding, they keep asking about you and still miss you, of course.”

“I miss you guys too. I’m already ready to strangle myself with my own tie.”

“Why? What happened?”

“Nothing.” Harry exhales in irritation. “Melissa is just extra annoying. Beyond extra.”

“I would expect nothing less.” Louis rolls his eyes, shaking his head.

“Ugh, how can anyone talk for nine hours straight? Nine. Hours. Louis. _Nine.”_ Harry stresses through his teeth, sighing heavily as he rolls over on the bed, head hanging upside down over the side.

“Yikes. So it’s safe to say your flight was—”

“Hell on earth.” Harry finishes with a scowl, holding his phone up. “Or rather hell in the sky. God, how am I supposed to survive this trip? She’s unbearable!”

“Ignore her, like you always do.”

“It only works for so long.” Harry groans. He’s got his head still dangling upside down, body splayed out across the bed as he lets out a long gargling of anguished groans and random noises.

“Um…so I’ve got a question for you, H.” Louis says, not put off by Harry’s odd wailing. “You sound like a dying whale, by the way.”

Harry keeps on yodeling in a mix of exhaustion and pain, eyes closed. “Huh?”

“So babe, this is kinda random, but I’ve been thinking about this morning in the shower when you said I didn't get your kink—”

“My kink?” Harry interrupts, sitting up and ceasing his howling distress calls.

“Yeah, the domestic dirty talk thing, because I really thought I nailed that.”

“No, and I never said the words, ‘domestic dirty talk’, I don’t know where you got that from.” Harry laughs, pushing his flip-flopped hair out of his face.

Louis shrugs nonchalantly. “It’s how I processed it.”

“Mmm, well it’s wrong.”

“So…just to be clear then…” Louis narrows his eyes in consideration. “You don’t have a kink?”

Harry raises one eyebrow. “I didn’t say that either…”

“You’re a shameless tease and I won’t stand for it.”

Harry winks, grinning smugly.

“Well…you don’t know what mine is.” Louis tries, frowning a little.

“Sometimes you like to be manhandled. You claim to hate it, but truly…” Harry smirks knowingly. “You _love_ that I’m bigger than you.”

“Dammit.” Louis hisses under his breath. “How did you know that? I’ve never even said that out loud!”

“Louis.” Harry looks at his spouse dryly. “Fifteen years. I’ve known you for fifteen years. Seriously? I mean—we’re married.”

“Shut up, ok. Shh.” Louis waves him off.  “So then why can’t I figure out what you meant about your kink?”

“You already know, I think you’re just overthinking it a little.”

“Then tell me!” Louis whines, pouting his lower lip.

“Mmmm no.” Harry decides, smiling mischievously. “That’s no fun. You'll just have to figure it out.”

“Don’t be difficult.”

Harry shrugs his shoulders casually. “Not telling…”

“Fine be that way, you stubborn wanker.” Louis huffs, scowling. “And to think that I was going to be a sweet husband and proposition you for phone sex to make you feel better, but...oh well…” 

“You were?” Harry’s interest peaks up, sitting up completely on the bed.

“It’s in the past tense now, I’ve moved on.” Louis holds his chin up high in defiance.

“No wait! I have thirty minutes before I have to be anywhere.”

“Mmmm.” Louis hums indifferently. “Well, I hope you find a way to entertain yourself with all that free time.”

“Louis—”

“Papa?” Harry hears a tiny voice call through the speakers on Louis’ end.

“Oh, would you look at that? Duty calls! Guess it wasn’t meant to be. Pity…”

“Later?”

“Oh…but I just can’t wait…” Louis let’s out a little teasing moan, eyelashes fluttering his eyes closed. “What if I get another moment to myself and end up finishing what you should have finished this morning in the shower?”

Harry shakes his head wildly, hair flopping down over his face. “No…baby, don’t. _Please_.”

Louis shrugs coyly, licking his lips. “I make no promises.”

“Papa?”

“Well, as my kindred spirit would say, TTFN, ta ta for now.” Louis blows Harry a teasing kiss. “Love you!”

Harry falls backwards on the bed, tossing his phone as he once again resumes his distressed dying whale noises. What better way to spend thirty long minutes, than groaning at the ceiling?

 

||||

 

“Where is Daddy?” Parker wonders curiously as he kneels on top of his bed, fiddling with the front zipper of his Spiderman onesie.

“Daddy is on a business trip, remember?” Louis reminds, settling into Parker’s bed next to him. Louis knows for a fact they have had this exact same conversation a total of four times, since Harry left in the morning and yet here they are again. “We talked about this, bud.” 

Parker frowns, sitting up further against his pillows. “But…where?”

“He’s in America.” Louis explains simply. “A very long way away from here.”

Parker furrows his brow even more at that. “Where?”

“In New York. It’s um…a place in America.”

“Where?” Parker asks again, expression still puzzled.

“Ok, umm…” Louis pulls out his phone and quickly googles a map depicting the space between England and the east coast of America. He turns his phone around so Parker can look for himself. His son is in the lovely stage where every single thing must be turned into a question and he is increasingly curious about every last thing, finding even the most insignificant things fascinating. “See, this is us and this is where Daddy is.”

Parker stares at the screen, tracing his tiny finger over the space with the same grooved indent still obscuring his brow. He looks back up at Louis, face still impossibly riddled with confusion. “Is Daddy come home?”

“Yes, of course, Daddy will be home very soon. He won’t be gone forever.”

“When?”

“In just five days.” Louis announces, pulling back the covers of Parker’s bed. “Not long at all, really.”

“How?”

“What do you mean, how?”

“How he get home?”

“He’ll fly on a plane, buddy.”

“A pwane?!” Parker gasps in horror, sea green eyes absorbing his entire face. 

“Yeah, what's wrong with planes?” Louis wonders unknowingly. “You love them!”

“No! No! He could… he…” Parker starts up, entire face getting proper flustered. “He could _die!”_ He bursts out, with completely distraught conviction.

“What?”

“People die on pwanes! I sawed it!” Parker continues, tears welling up under his eyes as his lip starts to quiver. “I no want Daddy to die! I need him! I need Daddy! He gotta come home!”

“Oh Parks, come here, my love.” Louis holds his arms open, pulling the distressed toddler to his chest. “It’s ok, bud.”

Parker nuzzles his head against Louis, holding on for dear life as he sniffles.

Louis runs his fingers through Parker’s dark golden curls, massaging his scalp soothingly. “Would it make you feel better if I called Daddy? Then you could see that he is perfectly fine.”

He nods his head silently, whimpering breaths stuttering against Louis’ t-shirt.

“Ok, let’s do that then.” Louis pulls out phone, proceeding to FaceTime Harry. 

“Hi babe, I hope you aren't in a meeting or something?” Louis greets once Harry picks up, giving him a little wave.

“Hi, I just stepped out actually. How are you and the kids? Is everything al—”

“Daddy, you not die!” Parker immediately grabs the phone from Louis’ hand at the sound of Harry's voice.

Harry's eyes widen in surprise at the sudden outburst. “Um—hi Parker. No, um…I'm not going to die…” Harry peaks up on the screen at Louis curiously to which Louis just shrugs. 

“It is no safe!” The little boy insists adamantly. 

“Why isn't it safe, bud?” Harry asks gently, tilting his head. 

“Fwying no safe! Pwanes no safe! It is no safe! I not want you to die!”

“Well, I'm safe on the ground now, all in one piece.” Harry talks soothingly. “And I’ll be ok because I love you with my whole heart and you love me to the moon and back. And our love for each other keeps me safe.”

“Reawly?”

“Yes, really!” Harry declares. “I wouldn’t lie to you, would I?”

Parker shakes his curls, sucking on his bottom lip. “But…be carefuw, Daddy. Pwease come home, ok?” 

“I'll be home safe and sound, I promise.”

“Pinky promise?” Parker holds up his tiny baby finger.

Harry mirrors the gesture, pinky raised. “The pinkiest of promises.”  

Parker smiles widely, the tiny dimples hidden in his tearstained cheeks making an appearance. “Ok.” 

“Ok.” Harry repeats, smiling privately. “Now go to sleep, sweetheart.”

Parker rubs his eyes sleepily, a little yawn escaping his mouth. Maybe all that running finally caught up with him. “Night night, Daddy. I wove you to the moon and back.”

“I love you too, Parks. With my whole heart.” Harry blows an exaggerated kiss through the screen. “Sleep tight. Give Papa a kiss for me.” 

Parker nods softly, holding the phone to his chest for a moment, hugging it tightly as if by some chance his dad can feel it.

Parker hands the silenced phone back to Louis before sitting up on his knees, placing his hands along the sides of Louis’ head and plopping a wet kiss to his cheek. “From Daddy.” 

“Oh, well thank you, my love.” Louis smiles warmly. “I couldn't even tell the difference. Can I give you one from me?”

Parker nods happily, pointing a little finger to the side of his face. “Right here.”

“But what if I wanted to kiss you right _here_?” Louis kisses the tip of Parker’s nose instead, causing the little boy to scrunch up his face and giggle. “Or here! Or here!” Louis litters his entire face with quick pecks. “Or maybe here!”

“Papa, are you going to come tuck me in?” Lilly peaks her head into Parker’s room, standing in the Jack-and-Jill style bathroom that connects her room to his.

“Yeah babes, I’ll be right there.” Louis promises, tucking Parker carefully under his comforter, pulling the sheets tightly around his small body. “Ok, you’re all tucked in. We’ve got the night light going in the corner, you’ve got your teddy, you’ve had your kisses. You’re all set.”

“One more!”

“One more.” Louis presses a long kiss to the top of his son’s forehead. “Goodnight Parker, I love you.”

“I wove you too, Papa.”

 

||||

 

Louis swears that he couldn’t possibly have been asleep for more than five seconds, when he hears a little voice calling for him.

“Psst, Papa.” Lilly whispers, hand on his shoulder.

“Mmm?” Louis hums groggily in response, but not opening his eyes.

“ _Papa_.” Lilly says with more urgency, giving Louis a little shake.

“Hmm…yeah, babes? What’s wrong?” Louis peaks an eye open in the darkness of the room. “Are you ok?”

“I can't sleep.” 

“What angel?”

“I can't sleep.” She repeats, shifting on her feet apprehensively as she looms over him. “I think there are monsters under my bed.”

Louis bares a quick glance to the clock on his bedside table, fighting back a strong yawn.

1:48 A.M.

He scrubs his hands over his face to wake up fully, sitting up in the bed. He figured this would most likely happen, Lilly never does well when her home is not complete. And it really only makes sense that her longing for Harry would manifest as not being able to sleep and nighttime terrors. “Monsters you say? Oh, we can't have that.”

Lilly shakes her head, chewing her lip anxiously as she cuddles a plush monkey to her chest.

“Alright, let’s go have a look then.” Louis slides out of bed and intertwines their hands together. They walk hand in hand down the hallway until they reach Lilly’s bedroom. “So where exactly are these horrid monsters, Lils?”

“Uhh, the closet I think….” Lilly informs quietly, squeezing Louis’ hand as she looks up at him. “And under my bed and probably in my toy chest and maybe even behind my dolls, and…and—everywhere, Papa! Everywhere!”

“Oh, my!” Louis gasps, caressing his thumb over her fingers soothingly. “How scary! You were very brave to come get me in the dark all by yourself. How about we start by your bed, ok?”

Lilly hides behind her father’s leg, holding on to the fabric of his sweatpants as she trails cautiously behind him around her room. Louis searches high and low to appease his daughter, getting down on his hands and knees to look under the bed and standing on his tippy toes to have a look at the top shelf of the closet. He rummages through toy chests and scavenges all the drawers, just in the hope of making his little girl feel safe in her room.

“Mmm I don't see anything, Lillypad.” Louis announces after 20 minutes of tireless searching. “You know I think it’s probably ok now, they're all gone.”

“Papa.” Lilly says seriously, eyes impossibly wide as she gazes up at him. “They are here! I _know_ it! It’s not ok! It’s not!”

“I believe you, Lils.” Louis comforts, lowering to her eye level and running his fingers through her hair. “What can I do, love? How can I make it better?”

Lilly thinks to herself for a moment, tugging at her lip. “Well…the only thing that would really make it better is The Dance…”

“Ohhh.” Louis breathes out, knowing exactly where this conversation is headed.

“Daddy always does The Monster Dance for me to scare them away and it always works.”

“I know he does, darling.” Louis sighs empathetically. “But he’s not here and I just don't know if I really know the whole dance. Or rather know it well enough to do it right for you.”

“You gotta try, Papa.” Lilly pouts, rocking on her toes while holding her plushie to her chest. “You gotta try for me. Please, pretty, pretty, _pleasseee_.” 

“Alright, alright. I’ll give it a go.” Louis concedes slowly, never able to resist his daughter’s innocent manipulations. “Um…remind me how it starts?”

“It starts by you putting on the tutu!” Lilly scurries to her closet and pulls out an adult size multicolored tutu skirt. “You can’t do The Monster Dance without wearing the fairy tutu. It’s the rules.”

“Daddy's rules?”

“Maybe.”

Louis grins at that, shimmying his hips into the poufy tutu, sliding it over his sweats. “Ok, I’ve got the tutu on, I’m ready.” He claps his hands together in anticipation, game face on and ready to go.

“No! No! No! _Then_ you have to put this on!” Lilly hands him a powder blue crown covered in glitter.

“Oh yes, right. Of course. Forgive me.” Louis readily puts on crown, adjusting his sleep mussed fringe.

As soon as Louis’ got the crown situated, Lilly promptly holds out up a bright magenta feather boa. _“_ And this too.”

“Really?”

“Yes! You have to!” She insists, thrusting the vibrant accessory into his hands. “Daddy says that the better and more fabulous you look, the easier it is to get rid of the monsters!” 

“That sounds like something he would say.” Louis sighs with a smile as he slips the pink boa around his neck, tossing the fluffy end over his shoulder flamboyantly. “Whatever the lady wants.”

“ _And_ don’t forget to hold the wand!” Lilly gently bestows a glowing, light up fairy wand in Louis’ hands.

“Oh, I could never forget the wand, it makes the whole outfit. This ensemble would not be complete without a glittery magic wand. Obviously.” 

“Exactly.” Lilly nods seriously, not picking up on the slight sarcasm in her father’s tone. 

“Ok, what’s next?” Louis asks, now that he is properly dressed to dance away unwanted monsters.

“Now you do the dance!” Lilly jumps excitedly on her tippy toes. “You do at least know how the dance starts, don’t you Papa?”

“Umm…ok, now the dance…the dance…” Louis stalls trying desperately to remember how Harry starts off the dance that allegedly scares monsters away. Is it twirl then bow or bow then twirl? Is he supposed to wave the wand first? Maybe give a little curtsy? The options are limitless. Louis definitely should have watched more closely last time.

Louis decides to go with a solid twirl first, transitioning right into a proper curtsy topped with the slight bow of his crowned head. He leaps and he jumps, he waves his whimsical wand and he swivels his tutu-clad hips. If he’s being one-hundred percent honest, Louis feels like he couldn't possibly be more majestic if he tried but—

“No, that’s not right! No!” Lilly critics, shaking her head disapprovingly. “That is not how Daddy does it! No!”

“What?” Louis frowns, dropping his wand down to his sides in disappointment. “Hold on, let me have another go at it, yeah? I’ve got this.” 

Maybe Louis isn't quite as graceful or even as lithe as he originally envisioned or intended, but he really is trying; putting his best foot forward. Figuratively and literally in fact, as he juts out his foot, going for an elegant ballerina kick. Louis spins into what he would define as a perfect pirouette, but apparently Lilly doesn’t share his opinion, instantly throwing her hands up critically.

“No no no, Papa! _No!_ That is not how you do it! You’re doing it all wrong!” Lilly slaps her hands over her face, shaking her head once again, deeply discouraged.

“That is my very best!” Louis defends, glitter wand raised and waving around in his hands. 

Lilly flops onto her bed, face down in defeat. “The monsters will _never_ leave if that is your best!”

Louis furrows his eyebrows at the shade just casually thrown at him by a six-year-old, take a seat down next to her on the bed. “Hey hey little miss, I'm not _that_ bad. I thought I was doing pretty alright, if I do say so myself.”

“No. It's not going to work, we need Daddy.” Lilly huffs, sitting up on her bed with sudden renewed determination. “We need Daddy now!” 

“Daddy is the prettiest dancing fairy, I know…but he's not here, love. I wish he was though, I really wish—”

“Call him on the facey thingy!” Lilly interjects with wide hopeful eyes.

“You want me to FaceTime your dad? He’s probably busy, love.” 

“Pleaseee, pretty pleaseee!” Lilly begs desperately. “I miss him. I miss him so much all the time! All over! Everywhere, I miss him!”

“Me too.” Louis admits with a warm smile. “All the time, all over and everywhere.”

“Ok, so it’s settled! We have to call him. It's an emergency. It's life or death! What if I don’t survive the night! What if—”

“The drama with you!” Louis laughs, interrupting her ongoing imagination. “Where did you get that from?”

“Papa, _pleassseee_!” Lilly slings her arms around his neck, shaking his shoulders intensely. “Daddy said to call him anytime I need him and I _need_ him! I really need him!”

“Alright, but if he's busy—” 

“Ok!” Lilly interrupts with a nod, hopping up to retrieve an iPad from under her pillow and shoving it into Louis’ arms. “Here.”

“Is this my iPad?” Louis holds up the device in question in bewilderment. “I’ve been looking for this all day!”

“That’s really not important right now, Papa.” She shrugs off easily, reaching over and swiftly launching the FaceTime application, clicking on his favorites list to find her dad’s name at the top of the list.

“How long have you had it?” Louis continues to question curiously, staring blankly at the iPad in his hands.

Harry’s smiling face materializes onto the screen almost as soon as the tablet starts the call, interrupting Louis’ inquiries. “Hey babe! Haven’t talked to you in a while.” He teases happily.

Louis smiles warmly, holding up the tablet. “Hi again, love. I hope I’m not disturbing you from work or something.”

“Nope, I’m just walking into my hotel suite now, so perfect timing.”

“Ok good, because I, well not explicitly me—but _we_ have a request.” Louis tilts the iPad camera to include their daughter beside him.

Lilly swiftly grabs the tablet from Louis’ hands as soon as she sees Harry’s face. “Daddy!”

“Such grabby-handed children I have, my god.” Louis blinks down to his now empty hands.

“Hi Monkey!” Harry greets cheerfully through the phone, waving his hand. “How is my lil’ Lil?”

“Daddy! Daddy, I'm having nightmares because I miss you so much and there are monsters under my bed! The huge, ugly horrible kind! And I can’t sleep! It’s too much, Daddy! I'm so stressed!” 

“Stressed?” Harry raises his eyebrows in surprise. “I don’t think you really know what that even means?”

“Daddy, I am _stressed_!” Lilly emphasizes, pulling at her cascading hair in frustration. 

Louis can't help but crack a small fond smile at how utterly dramatic and impossible his daughter is at such a young age. 

“Well, I can't have my baby girl stressed!” Harry mimics her tense scrunched up face and frustrated tone, gritting his teeth. “That just won't do.”

“No, it won’t! I’m dying!”

“You’re dying now too? But you are far too young to die, Lils.”

“Well I am, Daddy.” Lilly huffs, crossing her hands over her chest. “I’m dying from the stress. If nothing changes, I’ll be dead and gone. And you’ll be sorry.”

Harry grins dotingly at his adorably overdramatic daughter. “We’ve got to fix this immediately, I won’t let you die, Monkey.” He promises before glancing at Louis in question. “Didn’t Papa do the monster dance for you?”

Lilly sighs, a hand touched to her forehead. “He tried, but he's not doing it right.” She drops her voice to a whisper and leans in closer, turning away from Louis. “Daddy, Papa is horrible at dancing, like _the_ worst. I'll never be safe in my room if it's up to him. Help Daddy, help me.”

“Hey now little girl, I can hear you and I was doing just fine!” Louis speaks up, eyeing his daughter. “I just don't have the curly princess hair and the long legs Daddy does.” 

“Well, at least you look cute in my outfit.” Harry compliments.

Louis fluffs his boa pompously, lifting his chin elegantly. “Well, the tutu is a touch long, but all together I think I wear it better.”

“The real question is…can you dance in it better?” Harry challenges, one eyebrow lifted.

“No, Daddy.” Lilly interjects flatly. “The answer is no, he can not.”

“I’m not that bad, Lil!” Louis defends again, sporting a pouty frown. “I thought I was pretty good!”

 Harry keeps on laughing, expression soft and fond. “Alright then, if you’re so good, show me what you've got.” He encourages, settling his laughter. “Let’s see it.”

“Get ready to be dazzled.” Louis stands to his feet, fluffing out his skirt and adjusting his crown atop his head. “This is pretty exclusive. Just sayin’.”

“Brace yourself, Daddy.” Lilly warns, flipping the iPad to the back camera to film Louis’ full body.

Louis goes through the motions of reprising his own edition of the Monster Dance routine, once again prancing and skipping around uninhibitedly around his daughter’s room. Louis calls it dancing, others—the haters—may disagree and call it a hot mess.

Upon seeing this illustrious performance, Harry tries hard to fight back giggles. “No Lou, it’s down first, then up, then twirl. Just—elongate your neck a little and then point the wand, it’s all one motion.” Harry suggests gently, trying to be helpful as he riddles off a seemingly never-ending list of critiques. 

“Ok, ok, ok.” Louis nods, waving his wand at the camera to shut his husband up. Reluctantly, he begins to incorporate the guidance Harry gave him into his routine, but somehow he gets the feeling that all it's really doing is making him look even worse.

Harry bursts into laughter, unable to keep it in anymore. “Good god, babe! What are you doing? I love you, but….um…yikes…”

“See Daddy, I told you.” Lilly sighs, rubbing her temples dramatically. “He is hopeless.” 

“Ok, I'm really trying my best here!” Louis sustains, holding up his glowing wand as he adjusts his feather boa. “I wasn’t born to dance the fairy monster dance, apparently.”

“No, you really weren’t.” Harry and Lilly agree simultaneously.

“Hey.” Louis sulks, narrowing his eyes at the two of them. “Well, I don’t see you doing any better.”

“Ok, watch me.” Harry props his phone up and takes several steps back in the hotel suite so that his body is visible through the camera. “Hit it, Lilly.”

Lilly reaches over to her bedside table, pressing a few buttons on her docked iPod Nano, until [_My Favorite Things_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=33o32C0ogVM&spfreload=10) starts playing through the speakers.

“Wait, whoa whoa whoa.” Louis holds his hand up, expression utterly confused. “How come you didn’t play the music for me when I did the dance? I was set up for failure! Did you just have that playlist ready to go this whole time? What is going on here?”

“Shh, Papa. Watch Daddy.” Lilly pulls Louis down to sit on her bed and then she climbs into his lap, settling against him to watch Harry.

The song carries on and suddenly Julie Andrew’s voice is filling the room singing about all of her many favorite things when she’s sad, which only seems fitting as Harry goes through his practiced dance routine for his sad, scared daughter.

Harry frolics about his hotel suite along to the song, all of his movements precise and well-practiced, seriously putting Louis’ feeble attempts to complete shame. He doesn't even have all the ornate props, lacking the sparkly glitter and the bouncy feathers and the fluffy tulle, and yet, Louis would 100% believe his husband is really a fairy in _Swan Lake_. With how he perfectly elongates his body, spinning in seamless pirouettes, graceful and poised, light and fluid balletic movements. He even does a bit of tap dance, which if nothing else, takes Louis completely by surprise while also kind of turning him on a bit.

Where Harry learned any of this, remains to be an undocumented mystery. It is quite special though, Louis must admit, even from oceans away. This would be absolutely ridiculous to anyone without context, but it puts a bright smile on their daughter’s face and that’s all that matters.

“Beautiful Daddy, how beautiful.” Lilly applauds as Harry takes his final boy. “See Papa, _that_ is how you dance away monsters.” 

“I just think it's funny that when it comes to adult normal dancing you are right S-H-I-T,” Louis mouths soundlessly, trying not to openly curse around his kids, “but when it comes to children ballerina fairy godmother monster dances, you're suddenly a pro.” 

“It's a gift, not everyone is chosen.” Harry shrugs, cocky grin plastered on his face. 

“Oh my god.” 

“Well, I’m glad I could save the day or…night, actually, from so far away. I’ve got to go make some last minute editing changes and—”

“Wait, Daddy!” Lilly jumps. “Are you wearing my bracelet?”

“Of course, Monkey.” Harry smiles, holding up his wrist. “I'd never take it off. In fact, all of my coworkers are _sooo_ jealous of my spectacular bracelet. They go ‘oh my god where on earth did you get that gorgeous bracelet? And I just smile and say ‘oh my lovely daughter made it special, just for me’.” 

“Really?”

“Yes, really!” 

Lilly smiles wide, eyes practically dancing. “I love you, Daddy.”

“I love you too, Lilly.” Harry blows kisses at the screen. “Be good for your Papa please.” 

“I'm always good.”

“I know.” Harry grins warmly.

“Goodnight, Daddy.”

“Goodnight baby girl, sweet dreams.” 

Lilly makes a kissy face back before clicking to end the video call.

“Oh wait I—”

“Oops sorry, Papa.” Lilly shrugs innocently, handing the disconnected device back to him.

“Oh no…it's fine. Not like I wanted to say goodnight to my husband or anything.” Louis sighs, turning to Lilly with a mischievous grin growing on his face. “Guess I’ll just have to take it all out on you instead!”

“Ah! Not me! Not me!” Lilly squeals, hoping off her bed.

Louis chases Lilly around her bedroom tickling her sides and starting an all out tickle fight. Lilly giggles cheerfully, trying to wiggle her way free but failing completely. Louis lifts her up in his arms and hoists her into bed, collapsing down next to her to blow raspberries on her cheeks. “I love you! I love you! I love you!” He declares between incessant kisses all over her face.

“Papa, you’re so scruffy!” Lilly complains through her laughter, small hands holding on to his face. “It tickles!”

“Oh does it?” Louis rubs his cheek against hers which only makes Lilly giggle harder.

“Yes, it does!” Lilly screeches happily, squeezing her eyes shut.

“But I _looove_ you!” Louis professes again exaggeratedly, continuing to attack her face. “I love love love _love_ you!”

“I know, I know!” Lilly squirms, utterly ticklish.

Louis plops a final sloppy wet kiss on her temple before sitting back. “Ok, I’m done now. I just love you so much, I can’t get enough sometimes! My love for you just came over me.” Louis explains dramatically, squeezing Lilly close against him. “Ohh my sweet, sweet eldest baby!”

“Control yourself, Papa! You’re so embarrassing!” Lilly laughs, the side of her face smushed against her father’s chest. “I’m not going anywhere! And I love love love _love_ you, too.”

Louis sighs contently resting his cheek against the top of Lilly’s soft head of hair, arms still wrapped around her small frame as he holds her close.

Lilly peaks up at him after a few quiet moments. “Papa?”

“Yeah, love?”

“Could you tell me a story?”

“A story?” Louis sits up suddenly. “Young lady, aren't you tired? We just did the whole Monster Dance, several times over and then we had a massive tickle fit, which I clearly won, by the way. I, for one, am exhausted.” 

“The Dance doesn't make me sleepy, Papa. It just makes the monsters go away.”

“Hmm I see. How very unfortunate.”

“So tell me a story!”

“What kind of story?” Louis wonders.

“A bedtime story!”

“Well yeah…I got that part. But about what, Lils?”

“Umm…tell me how you and Daddy met!” Lilly decides, peering up at him.

“Haven't I told you that one before? I’m quite sure I have actually.”

“Nooo.” Lilly shakes her head in protest. “Well…Daddy has, but I wanna hear it from you now.”

Louis frowns a bit. “Shouldn't it be the same story then?”

“No.” Lilly grimaces, scrunching her tiny nose. “Don't tell Daddy this, cuz it might hurt his feelings, but he isn't very good at telling stories. Not like you.”

Louis laughs openly, shaking his head.

“He tells all the boring parts and then he drags them out!” Lilly complains. “And I just don't like it. I am _not_ a fan.”

“Well, everyone has their gifts I suppose.” Louis tries, defending his spouse.

“And Daddy’s gift is one hundred percent _not_ storytelling.”

“Lilly, don’t talk about your father like that.” Louis laughs with pure amusement.

“Papa, it’s not like he can hear me.” Lilly shrugs coyly.

Louis grins in absolute delight. “You are so me sometimes, it’s like I’m talking to myself.”

“Story! Story! Story!” Lilly chants, clapping her hands.

“Ok, right…how we met...” Louis starts, thinking back. “Um…so it all started when we were in school. I was about twenty-one at the time and I went to this party—”

“What kind of party?” Lilly wonders, interrupting. “Like a birthday party? A dinner party? A tea party?”

“Just…um…a party. It’s not that important.” Louis brushes off, shrugging his shoulders. “And I was um...well I wasn't really in my right mind that night, I guess you could say.”

“Why not?”

“Umm....I was...well I was...uhh under the influence...yeah.” Louis thinks trying to find a kid friendly way to say ‘I was smashed out of my fucking mind at a reckless uni house party’.

“And what exactly does that mean, Papa?” Lilly raises an eyebrow at him.

“When you get older we'll talk about it.” Louis promises.

Lilly dramatically rolls her eyes, crossing her small arms over her chest. “Everything has to wait till I'm older. I’m old now and I'm very mature, you know.”

“You are six years old.” Louis answers flatly.

“But a very mature six.” She counters, narrowing her eyes.  

“Enjoy your youth, missy. You'll be old and even more sassy soon enough.” Louis says with a grin. “Anyway, as I was saying, I was at a party and I was getting ready to go home—or to my dorm room really…” 

 

~

 

“You ready to go, Tommo?” Niall questions, shouting from a few feet away as he crosses the loud room. There are people everywhere, lounging about the house, having a drink or a smoke, dancing to the raving music, mixing and mingling with each other as partygoers do.

“Yeah, yeah I’ve been ready, Horan!” Louis hollers from his position draped carelessly over a futon. “I’m fucking fading over here!”

“Up ya go!” Niall offers both of his hands to help pull Louis shakily to his feet. As he hoists Louis’ body up, Louis drunkenly propels his weight onto Niall, casting Niall unsteadily backwards into a random party guest.

“Oh sorry, didn’t see ya there, bub.” Niall apologizes after accidentally bumping into an unsuspecting boy. He looks up and instantly recognizes the person he disturbed, smiling wide in greeting and abruptly dropping Louis to fend for himself on his own two feet, something he was definitely not prepared to do as he tumbles to the ground with a thump and a surprised, “Oh shit.”

“Oi, hey mate! I didn’t know you were here!” Niall greets warmly, newly freed arms outstretched for a hug.

“Hiii Niall!” The boy answers drunkenly in dimpled greeting, embracing Niall straightaway in a solid hug, but pulling back only moments later as he realizes he is squishing his camera between their bodies. “Oh, dammit...”

“I swear you never go anywhere with that camera.” Niall laughs appreciatively, hand clamped on the dimpled boy’s shoulder. “Legend.”

“Not even Ni, please.” Dimples laughs, easily dismissing the simple compliment. “You on your way out?”

Niall stuffs his hands in his pockets, nodding. “Yeah, yeah we were just leaving.”

“Yeah, same.”

After sitting awkwardly on the floor at Niall’s feet listening helplessly to useless small talk for far too long, Louis shoves Niall’s leg to remind him of his presence, clearing his throat exaggeratedly. “Oh, don't mind me…”

“Shit, sorry!” Niall apologizes again, looking down to Louis guiltily and pulling him back up to his feet.

Upon finding his teetering footing once again, Louis faces Dimples immediately, eyeing him intently as he raises his hand in a small wobbly wave. “Oh hello there, I’ve had the pleasure of getting well acquainted with your boots while camped out on the ground, but I do think I like your face much better.” Louis greets effortlessly, with a coy grin. He has a record of getting unabashedly flirty when drunk and it doesn't help that this guy really does have a very nice face. And dimples. Louis _loves_ dimples. “If only someone would be so kind as to introduce us properly…” He jabs Niall in the side, not at all going for subtle, much to the boy’s dimpled amusement.

“Right of course, my bad.” Niall nods, abruptly jolting to life, glancing between his two friends. “Tommo, this fine lad is my fucking brilliant journalism partner, Harry. Seriously—he is a killer writer, the best even...just—Legend.” Niall says again, introducing Harry generously, causing him to turn a flourishing shade of red. “Harry, this is Louis, that obnoxious friend that’s always annoyingly texting me nonstop in class.” He announces teasingly, obviously trying to get a rise out of Louis.

“Asshat.” Louis shoves Niall again playfully, drunken grin smeared on his face. “I hardly ever text you Neil, stop making me sound bad in front of the cute boy.” Louis flirts shamelessly only serving to deepen the reddening glow of Harry’s cheeks.

“It’s lovely to finally meet the guy I spend half of my classes listening about.” Harry grins knowingly, reaching out to shake Louis’ hand. “Niall actually never makes you sound bad, in fact he doesn’t ever shut up about you.”

“Aww you talk about me?” Louis teases, pinching Niall’s waist. “That’s sweet.”

“Yeah, so much so that I assumed you were his boyfriend.”

“Oh _god_ no! Please.” Louis cackles harshly, throwing his head back like it’s the funniest thing he has heard all day. “It’ll be a cold day in hell when I date Niall Horan.”  

“Shut up dipshit, don’t act like you don’t love me.” Niall is the one elbowing Louis, causing him to tumble yet again, only this time right into Harry, footing already tragically unbalanced due to his inebriated state.

“Sorry, oh my god!” Louis’ hands brace Harry’s waist for support, head practically resting on his chest. “I swear I’m not always this unstable. Sorry.”

“It’s quite alright, really. No worries.” Harry reassures as helps Louis steady himself, which is hardly helpful because Harry is equally tipsy himself, swaying right along with Louis.

“And just so we’re clear, this isn’t one of those things where I fake fall into your arms to ‘accidentally’ grope you or get attention, alright?” Louis says as he straightens himself out, eyeing Harry closely. He feels himself about to start rambling, an unfortunate habit that always happens when he’s drunk or nervous or, you know, falling into the arms of adorable strangers. “I mean…I’m not saying that’s beneath me or anything, I’ve definitely pulled that a time or two...” Louis ponders to himself for a moment, looking up in thought. “Ehh...maybe more—but that’s beside the point here. All I’m saying—or trying to say is that this isn’t what that is and I really did fall…Really. Truly. Honestly.”

“Oh…I’m suuure.” Harry smiles knowingly, nodding as he rocks back and forth on his heels. “Totally a one hundred percent, genuine accident… _Really. Truly. Honestly_.” Harry mimics, swaying his head with each word as Louis narrows his eyes at him impishly.

“Fuck!” Niall curses suddenly, looking down at his body. “I forgot to grab my jacket.  I’ll be right back, Lou. Then we can leave.”

“I’ll be right here waiting.” Louis calls sweetly to Niall before turning back to the headscarf wearing boy smirking in front of him. “So…Harley—”

“ _Harry_.” 

“Right, Harvey.” Louis corrects inaccurately with a playful grin. There is something about him that Louis can’t help but find intriguing. He’s seen Harry around before, of course, here and there, but never had an opportune chance to get to know him. “So you are studying journalism, yeah?”

“ _Harry_. And yeah I am. It’s been amazing so far, I can’t complain. What about you, Louis?”

“Oh, I’m studying law. I have a ways to go and I’m not really sure what I want to practice yet, but I do love it…yeah...” Louis explains almost absentmindedly as he struggles to get a good read on Harry. Wild curls held back with a random paisley print headscarf, an oversized jumper with a few frayed loose ends, and the tightest pair of trousers Louis has ever seen filled out by legs that just scream sex. But yet, he’s got such an endearing face; adorable dimples, sweet smile, bright, warm eyes. Confusing. “So…humor me for a second, I’m a touch drunk and you have a very innocent looking baby face. Exactly how old are you, Hayden?”

Harry sighs amusedly seeming to realize he isn’t going to get anywhere with Louis calling him by the correct name. “I’m nineteen.”

“Interesting. _Very_ interesting.”

“What?”

“I mean…” Louis scans Harry up and down once, blatantly checking him out. “You could pass for younger. Definitely, definitely younger. But then at the same time, if I squint my eyes just a bit, you could pass for so much older. It’s all just an interesting conundrum.”  Louis concludes as he leans in slightly, voice dipping to a whisper. “You’re an illusion, Hartford.”

Harry eyes Louis incredulously, seeming to be already completely enamored by his antics. “Isn’t Hartford a city in the states somewhere?”

“Oh, I dunno really? I thought it was your name to be honest.” Louis toys, lips quirked mischievously.

“Cheeky.” Harry grins amusedly, dimples digging into his cheeks. “Does this routine work often for you?”

“What routine?” Louis wonders innocently, smirking. “I’m simply having an unplanned late night chat with a nice guy named Henry at a party.”

 

~

 

“And to be _truly_ honest, I knew what his name was, of course. He only corrected me a million times.” Louis admits, looking down at his daughter. “Actually, I often joke around and blame it on the fact that I was uh...under the influence—but really he just made me soo nervous! Not like anyone else before, but I wanted to seem, you know, cool around him so I tried to play it off.”

Lilly giggles happily. “Daddy made you nervous?”

“He really did.” Louis chuckles bashfully. “I don’t admit that every time, but it’s true, I was nervous. He was so adorable and dimply and curly and I just really wanted to impress him.”

“But Papa, how was pretending not to remember his name going to impress him?” Lilly wonders curiously, still giggling.

“I don’t know, Lils!” Louis confesses, throwing his hands up. “I was young! I was love-struck! I couldn’t think straight and I was also trying to be funny! It wasn’t the best plan, obviously.”

“So then what happened?” 

“I used that magical, life changing, unquantifiable Tomlinson charm, of course.”

 

~

 

“So besides being a writer, you’re also a photographer I presume?” Louis questions, pointing to the vintage polaroid camera slung on Harry’s neck. “Would I be correct in that assumption, Horton?”

“Yeah. More or less.” Harry chuckles, nodding his head slowly. “I’m more of a photojournalist than simply a journalist. I dabble in both sides, really.”

“And because of that you always walk around with a camera around your neck?” Louis questions further, eyeing the camera curiously.

“Not always, but I like snapping pictures of people living life. You know, unsuspecting photos of people in their element or just being themselves. Those make the best pictures I think, cuz nothing is really forced about it.”  

“Hmm I see I see, it makes sense I suppose.” Louis nods slowly.

“Yeah, and depending on how the picture develops, I decide whether to keep it or give it away.”

“So if it’s absolute rubbish and totally fucking sucks you give it away and if it’s brilliant and really fucking sick you keep it?”

“It depends.” Harry explains, fiddling mindlessly with his camera. “I may keep it even if it totally fucking sucks because there is beauty to be found in an ugly picture, even if in an abstract sense. Or I may give it away if the picture is so breathtaking that the rightful owner can only be the person in the image. But then again, I may also keep it for a similar reason and find that the picture is so fucking sick that I don’t want to part with it. So…it all just depends, really.”

“You’re a very complicated photographer, Harrison.” Louis’ smiles slowly as he gazes in wonderment at Harry, finding this boy so oddly charming and refreshingly different.

Harry bits back a grin, shrugging slightly. “Yeah, you could say that.”

“You know, Hanson, I’m really photogenic.” Louis claims, standing up a little straighter.  

“Is that so?” Harry quirks a curious eyebrow, eyes dancing with amusement.

“It is.” Louis confirms, smug grin on his face. “ _Extremely_ so, I might add.”

“Is that a testable theory?”

“I’d say so.” Louis nods, chin tilted up in an almost pompous manner. “Take a picture of me, I’ll prove it.”

“I feel like that is far too subjective.” Harry narrows his eyes contemplatively.

“How so?”

“You can’t just pose and have me snap a picture of you.” Harry clarifies obviously. “It has to be more unexpected and objective than that. Or at least done by someone else, preferably a novice, to really prove your theory.”

“Howard, are you saying that if you took the picture personally, you would purposely make me look good?” Louis questions, touching a scandalized hand to his chest. “I’ve only known you for five seconds and you are already _sooo_ flirty! I mean, I’m flattered, but damn.”

Harry giggles, biting his lower lip lightly. “No, I’m saying that I’m _sooo_ incredibly talented that I could make anyone look good without trying.”

“Cocky now!” Louis nods his head slowly, holding both hands up. “Alright Hershel, I see you.”

“Ooh, _I’m_ cocky?” Harry raises both eyebrows in amusement. “After you just referred to yourself as extremely photogenic.”

“A little confidence is healthy.” Louis boasts teasingly, shrugging it off. “And I’m only telling the truth.”

“Let’s test it out then.” Harry encourages, beaming brightly and pulling the camera strap over his head all of a sudden.

Louis frowns, not expecting that response in the slightest. “What? How—”

“Excuse me.” Harry taps the shoulder of some random unsuspecting guy with freckles passing by. “Hi. Sorry to bother you, but could you do me a quick favor?”

“A favor?” Freckles questions, speech slightly slurred.

“Yeah, would you mind taking an unplanned picture of my friend and me.” Harry requests politely, gingerly handing over the polaroid camera that was just hanging from his neck. “No pressure or anything, it’s not serious. Just don’t tell us when you’re taking it. We are testing a theory.”

“Wait…what?” Freckles asks, expression entirely lost.

“Just stand somewhere over there and snap a picture of us without us knowing you’re taking it.” Harry repeats again, in slightly simpler terms.

“But…you _do_ know.” Freckles insists in confusion, squinting his eyes at Harry while holding the camera limply in his hand. “You know because you just told me to do it…”

“Ok. Yes.” Harry nods, a slight trace of agitation developing in his tone. “Obviously, we know you are taking the picture. But we don’t know exactly _when_. And the point of this whole thing is objectivity. So it has to be natural. And unplanned and yeah…”

Freckles ponders that for a moment, glancing curiously between Harry and Louis. “But…uh…why?”

Harry opens his mouth to give even more elaboration. “Because—”

“Look, pal…” Louis interrupts, patience running thin for this freckled kid’s invasive questions. “I don’t ask you why you do what you do, ok? It’s really none of your business anyway. Are you going to take the fucking picture or not? Because we can ask someone else. _Anyone_ else.”

“Yeah ok, whatever.” Freckles concedes, holding up a hand in surrender. “I’ll do it, chill bro.”  

Harry chuckles, dimples digging against his cheeks as Freckles trudges off with the camera. “He must think we’re absolutely ridiculous. Maybe even a touch absurd.”

“Who cares?” Louis shrugs easily. “We’ll probably never see him again after this anyway. And besides it’s not that hard of a concept to grasp. Point the camera, take the shot. Easy. He’s got to be fucking dense.”

“Or he’s drunk. Or high. Or both.” Harry suggests, tilting his head in contemplation. “Most likely both.”

“Astute observation, Henderson.” Louis nods teasingly, schooling his face into a faux serious expression. “Very very bright.”

Harry laughs at yet another inaccurate attempt at his name. “You must realize that you are only getting further and further away with each and every statement out of your mouth.” 

“Heinrich, I don’t know what on earth you’re going on about.” Louis shrugs innocently, tilting his head up defiantly.

“Oh…but I think you do.” Harry leans in a little closer, voice dropping as if sharing a secret no one else knows. “I think you know _exactly_ what I’m referring to.”

“Hmm, I dunno about that, Harper.” Louis smirks, staring openly into the rich green of Harry’s eyes, only inches away from his own. Harry squints back at Louis in challenge, pursing his lips together in a weak attempt at intimidation, even though it comes off more as amusement.

Louis quirks his lips mischievously, eyes glinting brightly as his smile spreads impossibly slow across his face. “ _Harold_.” He utters smugly, lifting one teasing eyebrow.

“Closer.” Harry grins back softly. “So close, in fact, that I might just have to accept that. It may be as good as it gets with you.”

“Maybe so.” Louis shrugs cutely.

“Here.” The freckled boy says, coming back to hand Louis the fresh polaroid picture and Harry the camera. “I don’t know what it’ll come out looking like, but I did what you asked.”

“Thanks, mate.” Harry says courteously to the freckled kid as he slips the camera strap back on to his neck. “We really appreciate it.”

“Yeah, whatevs.” Freckles mumbles, disappearing into a throng of dancing people.

Not even a moment later, Louis turns swiftly on his heel and coyly thrusts the developing image flat against Harry’s chest, holding it there for a moment as he meets Harry’s eyes again. “Keep it as a memento of me.”

Harry places his own hand over Louis’ resting on his chest, squeezing it lightly as he giggles. “Louis, we don’t even know what it looks like yet.”

“Ooh I’m very confident in my gifts.” Louis winks suggestively, leaning in dangerously close to Harry’s face and lowering his voice to an enticing whisper. “You’ll wanna keep this one.”

 

~

 

“Daddy still has that picture!” Lilly exclaims in realization.

“That he does.” Louis smiles proudly. “It’s one of his favorites, in fact he used it in his proposal to me.”

 

~

 

Harry wags the picture gently with the practiced flick of his wrist. The image, slowly but surely, clears up to reveal them both smiling widely at each other; Louis mid sentence and Harry just full on staring with a shit-eating grin plastered over his face. They look almost embarrassingly flirtatious, so much so that it would be unreasonably hard to attribute it solely to the effects of alcohol. Objectively speaking though, they look pretty damn good, even more so together, Louis thinks. But that’s also beside the point.

“Hmm…not bad.” Harry comments positively, staring at the polaroid in his hand “Not bad at all.”

“Well…you know, what can I say?” Louis shrugs, peaking up at Harry suggestively. “Extremely photogenic. Not even Freckles’ drunk ass could mess up my innate picturesque appeal.”

“I guess you have proven your theory to be true.” Harry smirks flirtatiously, eyes flicking between Louis’ mouth and his eyes as he unconsciously decreases the space between their faces once again.

“I am anything but a liar.” Louis murmurs alluringly, glancing down at Harry’s hovering lips.

Harry is _so_ close. So close that Louis could get even more drunk off of the lingering twinge of alcohol dancing on his breath. Or maybe he could just be drunk on the smell of Harry himself, sweet and clean, so unlike the typical scent of a college boy. A floriated freshness, like being blissfully encompassed by a sea of wild flowers on a crisp spring morning. Louis can’t help but wonder if Harry could possibly taste as good as he smells. If the lips drifting before him are as soft and luscious as they claim to be, pouty and pink.

Harry lightly licks the outline of those sinfully pink lips, still gravitating impossibly close to Louis’ own. He is closer than justifiably excusable, the mere distance between them shrinking by the second, but Louis can’t seem to care. “Well, I—”

“Styles! We are waiting on you, man!” Some guy calls from near the doorway, instantly cutting Harry off and startling him away from Louis and their drunken flirtatious banter. “I thought you were ready to go!”

“Oh right, shit—sorry, mate! I’m coming!” Harry shouts over the music before turning back to Louis, meeting his gaze nervously as he runs a hand through the free hair on his head. “Uh...I have to...um…” His voice fades out at a loss, almost as though his train of thought has been completely derailed by looking back in Louis’ eyes. “I…I have to go…”

“Yeah, right…of course, ok. Yeah. Totally.”  Louis trips over his words repeatedly, nodding in forced understanding as he self-consciously crosses his hands over his chest.

“I forgot...um…” Harry tries, body hyperaware of how embarrassingly close he just was to essentially a stranger. “I forgot I was meant to be going…uh before, I mean…and—”

“Yeah, no I get it, it’s cool.” Louis says, still nodding dumbly trying his hardest to not come off as utterly flustered and undone. He feels like he must look like some sort of unhinged bobble-head, but it’s completely out of his control at this point. “I was um…leaving too. Anyways…Yeah. I should um…I mean, I gotta go find Niall...yeah…so…”

The two of them stare at each other gawkily with heavy eyes, waiting for the other to say something or do something. Goodbyes shouldn’t feel this heavy or oddly charged between two people who only met less than an hour ago and spent their time shamelessly flirting under the guise of social banter, but somehow it does. Why or how is completely unknown, but a goodbye feels premature. Maybe because being around each other doesn’t feel all that strange and it definitely doesn’t feel unfamiliar, as first encounters usually do. It feels right.

“So…I’ll um...see you around, yeah?” Harry verbalizes first, tone hopeful as he stuffs his hands in the front pocket of his jeans, rocking slightly on his toes to rid himself of pent up energy.  

Louis grins softly, nodding his head again, mirroring Harry’s body language. “Yeah. Yes. Um…definitely.” 

“Ok.” Harry smiles incredibly wide, full teeth and dimply, but even still it’s almost a private smile, a soft smile. Like one reserved just for him or maybe that’s all in Louis’ head. He’ll take it anyway.

Harry starts to turn away, but Louis isn’t quite ready to let him go yet. He has nothing really to say, no true reason to keep Harry hostage any longer, but yet in still, Louis finds himself calling upon any reason just to talk to him some more.

“Oh…um Harold?” The nickname tumbling from his lips before Louis has even figured out what to say.

“Yeah, Louis?” Harry spins around, almost too eagerly, tripping on his booted feet slightly in all his haste.

“Um nothing, really…it’s just that I…I uh really like your hair and the um...scarf thing.” Louis compliments offhandedly, definitively not what he would’ve wanted to say, but he’s already talking and he can’t turn back now. “It…uh really works for you…like in a hipster chic kind of way…yeah...”

“Thanks.” Harry beams warmly, dimpled cheeks flushed as he mindlessly touches his hair. He tugs at his bottom lip with his teeth and waves softly looking like he doesn’t really want to leave either. “Bye, Lou.” 

“Bye, H.” Louis waves gracelessly as Harry trots off to catch up with his friends.

“Ugh!” Louis groans throwing his head back once Harry is completely gone. “I really like your hair?! Hipster chic?! Honestly, what the fuck, Tomlinson!? Embarrassing much?” Louis scolds himself, cringing internally. “ _God…_ How fucking stupid! And I was doing so well early on! _”_  

 

~

 

“And all night long I could hardly even sleep, just thinking about him and how I’d find him again. So the very next day after we met, I got up extremely early and went on a very wild and rampant goose chase across the entire campus to find your daddy.” Louis continues, staring up at the ceiling of the bedroom, Lilly snuggled comfortably against his chest. “I remember, I was so mad at myself for being such an idiot and not asking him for his number when I had the chance! I mean…I was going to but…because you know—the nerves and the whole under the influence thing, I didn’t think to do it. Anyway, I searched for him everywhere, and I do mean, _everywhere_ ; essentially forsaking all my responsibilities for the day. But, the funny thing is, in the end it turned out that he was looking for me all day just as hard too, and—Lilly?”

Louis glances down to see his daughter sleeping soundly, face nuzzled peacefully against him. “And the rest is simply history.” Louis smiles leaning down to press his lips to his serene daughter’s temple. 

“Goodnight, love.”


	2. Day Two

** Day Two **

 

“Morning, Styles!”

Melissa comes trotting into the hotel gym waving at Harry in skimpy all black exercise apparel. Even though she knows that he legally changed his name to match Louis’ when they got married seven years ago, she still insists on calling him Styles. Old habits die hard, apparently.

Upon hearing her voice, Harry internally groans. It’s becoming increasingly clear that his boss will not be leaving him alone throughout the duration of this business trip, no matter how much he desperately wants her too. Harry can’t say he is necessarily surprised, but he is definitely not amused.

It’s grown easy for Harry to swerve and avoid Melissa’s constant approaches back home at the office, but having to spend nearly a week in her presence with her unwavering attempts to befriend him at every corner and hardly an excuse to save him, is going to be challenging. Not to mention downright irritating.

Fucking hell, he is just not in the mood.

“Hello Melissa. Good morning.” Harry answers briefly, attempting to just brush her off and get on with his workout.

“I didn’t know you were an early riser.” Melissa comments, keeping the conversation alive.

“Yeah that’s me.” Harry smiles tightly, voice slightly strained. “I just think a good workout is a great start to the day.”

“I agree! I just love a good sweaty run in the morning!” She agrees cheerfully. Too cheerfully for Harry’s liking if he’s being honest. His boss is not usually one for chipper spirits so something has to be up.

Harry watches on with visible distaste as Melissa purposely takes the treadmill directly next to his and he wants to scream bloody murder. It’s five in the goddamn morning, there is hardly a soul in the hotel gym, treadmills galore, a multitude of viable options and she picks the one right next to him. Why, why, why, _why?_

Harry likes to spend this time with himself, it’s a meditative personal time for him usually. That calm early morning quiet does wonders for the overall mood of his day. At home, it’s really the only time of peace and quiet before the day begins and he’s always cherished that simple pleasure. Thank god he brought earbuds, he can just pop those in and go about his workout uninterrupted. 

He presses the home button on his phone displaying his lock screen of Louis draped across his lap on their living room couch, their kids dogpiled on top of them, all of them laughing happily. It’s one of his favorite family pictures, just seeing it always makes Harry smile no matter where he may be.

“Cute.” Melissa comments randomly.

“What?” Harry questions, looking up from his iPhone.

“Oh, I mean the picture. Your lock screen…” She points to Harry’s phone in his hands. “It’s really cute. You have four kids, right?”

Harry narrows his eyes at her, trying to figure out where her sudden interest in his children is coming from. “Yes, I do.”

“How lovely.” Melissa smiles sweetly, sounding oddly genuine. “How old are they now?”

“Six, three, and double eleven months.” Harry answers, keeping his answers as concise as possible, wanting to just get on with his morning workout. She unquestionably already knows this information, it’s nowhere near new. If Harry isn’t talking about work, he is always bragging about his kids or Louis. _Always_. His office has become a shrine in their honor, littered with art projects and colorful drawings, family pictures and memorabilia.

“Oh wow.” Melissa shakes her head slowly. “Louis must be absolutely beside himself with handling all four kids on his own right now. Poor guy, sounds like a handful. He must really be struggling.”

Harry instinctually frowns at her unnecessary commentary about his spouse, blinking at her silently for several moments. This woman is always sending off weird vibes for no apparent reason and he is always having to redefine boundaries with her. Best to simply shut this shit down from the start.

“My _husband_ ,” Harry starts, stressing the word purposely as he turns to face Melissa fully, “is an outstanding and more than capable father. He is doing just fine. But um, thanks for your concern.” With that, Harry pops in his earbuds, cranks up the volume on his playlist, clicks start on the machine and starts running like there is no tomorrow. 

52 minutes and 623 burned calories later, Harry finishes his run and he wishes once again that he could say he is surprised when Melissa gets off her treadmill at the exact same time he does. He scurries off, making a mad dash to the gym door as she attempts to follow him out.

“Hey, Styles?”

Harry pretends not to hear her. Thankfully he left his earbuds in his ears with the hopes of making it out of the gym and back to his hotel room unscathed. Unfortunately, his boss has another agenda.

“Harry.” Melissa reaches out to him and grabs his forearm, tugging lightly.

Utilizing self-control, Harry doesn’t flinch away, instead turning around and slowly meeting her eyes in question. He even pops out one earbud for good measure.

“You wanna grab breakfast or something?” Melissa propositions, hand still resting on his arm. “Before the first conference meeting?” 

Why is she trying so hard to spend time with him? Just because they are away from home, does not mean their established, functional and purposefully distant dynamic needs to be forgotten. Boundaries have been placed for good reason and Harry fully intends to keep it that way. “Oh…umm I have to go over my presentation again, so I’m probably just going to pick up a smoothie to-go after a quick shower so...” 

“Oh, ok yeah.” Melissa nods, shrugging him off as she recoils her hand. “Well, maybe we could go for drinks later.”

“Uhh...” Harry stalls, running an anxious hand through his damp hair. _No way in fucking hell!_ Is what he really wants to shout uncouthly in her face, but that would be unnecessarily rude and he has always made sound strives to be civil around his boss. “Oh, you know what? I’m supposed to call home later and check up on my husband and our kids so…”

“Ok, well…let me know.”

 _You can bet your ass I won’t_ , Harry thinks to himself. “Sure thing.” 

 

||||

 

“Alright Papa, the time has come.” Lilly announces seriously, walking into the kitchen clapping her hands together.

Louis startles, opening his eyes. Without realizing it, he had started to drift asleep standing up while leaning against the counter. Caring for four kids by himself nonstop is starting to wear at his stamina. “And what time is that, Lillypad?”

“It’s time for a tea party!” Lilly declares excitedly, jumping up and down. “A tea party hosted by the one and only me, Princess Lilly!”

“Oh my!” Louis gasps dramatically, covering his mouth with one of his hands and widening his eyes. “Am I invited? What ever shall I wear?”

“Wear what you have on!” Lilly suggests easily.

“These old rags?” Louis scuffs, flipping his imaginary locks. “That’ll never do.”

“Yeah actually, you’re right.” Lilly looks Louis up and down disapprovingly, scrunching up her nose. “I’ll fix you up so that you are presentable for my other guests.”

“Other guests?” Louis questions, stifling a heavy yawn.

“Yes, Papa. My whole doll house is invited and of course, every single one of my monkeys and then Winnie the Pooh and all his friends. Oh! And Elmo!” Lilly rambles on, listing her countless toy collection by name. “I can’t forget Elmo or Mickey or Minnie, but I kind of consider them friends of Winnie…”

Louis listens quietly, nodding along animatedly as his daughter lists off every single vital guest member for her exclusive tea party.

“And I guess Parker, Maddi and Max can come too if they want.” Lilly offers in conclusion.

“Oh, how very kind of you, love. I’m sure they will be absolutely delighted.” Louis smiles. “Well, not Maddi and Max because they are napping, but Parker will love it.”

“Ok…but!” Lilly jumps up, ready to announce more pertinent details. “It is very very _very_ important that for my tea party we use real tea, and only real tea. Because otherwise what is the point? The tea is the best part of the party! In fact, it’s the best part of the whole day, without it we would be lost, I’m sure.”

Louis touches his heart fondly, shaking his head as he gazes at her. His oldest daughter knows the value of tea, honestly what else could he want out of life? “I swear, every day I grow more and more proud of you, Lilly. Every single day.”

“Um…Papa?” Lilly asks tentatively, walking closer to him.

“Yeah, love?” 

“Will you—or could you…” Lilly kicks her feet around shyly. “Well…could you teach me how _you_ make tea…because yours is the best and I—”

Louis gasps with pride, dropping down to pull Lilly into a tight hug. “This is possibly the proudest moment of my life! Who knew this day would come so soon?” 

“ _Papaaa_.” Lilly rolls her eyes exasperatedly, sighing heavily. “You’re squeezing me!”

Louis crouches down in front of her, looking into her eyes seriously with his hands on her shoulders. “Baby girl, it would be my life’s whole honor to teach you how to make your first pot of tea. Nothing would make me happier. Absolutely nothing.”

Together, they set about making Lilly’s first pot of tea. Louis chooses to take a hands off approach since Lilly seems to have a natural gift and high aptitude for proper tea making. Louis guides her helpfully from the sidelines, eagerly jumping in whenever necessary. And the whole entire time, Louis gushes and gloats, snapping tons of pictures and even a few videos, donning his role of “Lilly’s #1 Fan”. He, of course, sends them all to Harry, knowing he would absolutely die to see this.

 

||||

 

Louis sits cross-legged on the floor of his daughter’s bedroom, surrounded by every stuffed animal, doll and toy she owns. He’s got four lopsided pigtails in his hair with a sparkle headband and little hair clips positioned at odd places around his head. The prized feather boa is once again wrapped gracefully around his neck. Parker sits next to him, sporting a similar hairdo, curls tied up in little ponytails atop his head. Lilly insisted that all the guests of her grand tea party be dressed accordingly and appropriately and this is what the six-year-old apparently deems appropriate. 

“Oh Papa, I forgot the bracelets!”

“Hmm?” Louis questions through an overpowering yawn, eyes feeling dauntingly heavy again.

“The rainbow bracelets, of course!” Lilly exclaims.

“Oh right, of course, how silly to forget.”

Lilly digs through her drawers and pulls out a box stuffed with bracelets and bangles. Some she made herself, others gifts or ones she just collected over time. She slides a reasonable amount of bracelets up Louis’ arms. And by reasonable, meaning all of them, practically bunched up to his elbows.

“Willy, I want too!” Parker complains pouting at his lack of accessories. 

“Oh here, buddy.” Louis slides a handful of colored bracelets off his arms, slipping them onto his son’s. “Take some of mine. I have more than plenty.”

“Ok, just one more touch.” Lilly announces, green feather boa floating behind her as she walks over from her dresser with a bottle of purple shimmering body mist. She sprays it on her own arms first, the room soon filling with strong scents of vanilla and lavender. “Papa, close your eyes.”

“Alright.” Louis nods, following directions.

She spritzes Louis’ entire face and arms in glittery body mist, turning to do the same to her eager little brother. “Ok! Now you’re ready!” Lilly claps, admiring her work and handing Louis a mirror. “Look!”

“I can tell you that I have never in my life looked this beautiful. I’m practically glowing.” Louis boasts, looking in the pink hand mirror. “What do you think, Parker? How do I look?”

“Beautifuw!” Parker exclaims, holding up both his hands excitedly.

“Well thank you, darling.” Louis pats his new hairdo grandiosely. “I do try.”

“How ‘bout me?” Parker asks, pointing to himself.

“Parker, my love, you look breathtaking.” Louis tugs on one of his curls propped up by a pink butterfly clip. “Just absolutely stunning. You’re a dream.”

Parker positively beams at the compliment, dimples eating at his tiny cheeks.

“Wouldn’t you agree, Lilly?” Louis asks, flipping his boa extravagantly. “Aren’t we pretty?”

“Oh yes! You are the prettiest boys I know.” Lilly boasts, head nodding in affirmation. “Well, Daddy and Max are pretty boys too, but they didn’t join me for tea so…”

“Naturally.” Louis nods in understanding.

“Ok!” Lilly claps again, sounding like she is all set for business, serious business. “Are you pretty boys ready for my tea?”

“Love, I don’t know about Parker, but _I_ was born ready.” Louis touts, touching a poised hand to his chest.

Lilly hands Louis a full sized mug of warm tea, his mug being much larger than the other pre-poured teacups. He takes it readily, wiggling his eyebrows at her playfully before bringing the cup to his lips.

“Lilly Anne Tomlinson. Oh. My. _God_.” Louis shakes his head and closes his eyes in earnest. “This is without a doubt the single best cup of tea I have ever had in my _entiiire_ life ever! Ever!”

“Really?” Lilly gasps, mouth open with sudden glee.

“Yes, really! You are a natural! You have a real gift!”  Louis gushes profusely, sounding truly overjoyed. He keeps alternating his line of vision from the mug of tea in his hands back to his daughter’s face. “I’m just so proud of you! I—have no words…”

“Papa…are you crying?”

“No, no I’m not crying!” Louis shakes his head, arguably getting choked up, hair flopping around in pink hair ties as he places a light hand over his mouth. “I’m just—so happy. Life has truly come full circle.”

“And you ask where I get my dramatic side from.” Lilly rolls her eyes.  

“I’m not being dramatic!” Louis cradles his cuppa, holding it as if it is made of pure gold. “This is serious.”

“Well now that you approve of my tea, I can share it with the rest of my guests!” Lilly announces happily, clapping her little hands.

“The rest of your guests?” Louis frowns over his teacup.

“Yes, Papa.” Lilly gestures obviously to the multitude behind him.

“Lilly, don’t waste phenomenal tea on these bears.” Louis huffs, turning over his shoulder to look at the sea of ‘guests’ with sudden distaste. Not that he assumed the mass gathering of toys, plushies, and bears were for decoration or anything, _but_ …he definitely assumed they were for decoration. The idea of Lilly wasting her very first pot of tea on essentially inanimate objects is a ludicrous concept for Louis to accept, not only as a proud father, but as an experienced tea connoisseur.

“But Papa, they are my guests. And _all_ my guests are served tea.” Lilly insists adamantly, just as stubborn as he is. “It’s a Tea Party, which means there _must_ be tea. We discussed this.”

“Yeah…ok, but…they won’t enjoy it like I will.”

“Sharing is caring, that’s what Daddy says.”

“That applies to people.” Louis corrects.

“No, Daddy says it applies to everyone.” Lilly declares, placing little cups of tea in front of all present company, living or not. “So that would include my guests.”

“Fine.” Louis sighs, lifting his own cup to his lips again. But Louis is just as, if not more, impossible than his daughter and for every tiny cup of tea Lilly pours for an inanimate object, Louis empties it into his own full size mug behind her back. Tea is just not something that should ever be wasted. And knowing his daughter, she won’t even notice.

After all the ‘guests’ have enjoyed their tea (or not so much, thanks to Louis), Louis decides that now would be the perfect time to try to get his daughter to practice her violin. He knows for a fact that Lilly won’t want to do it and will fight him every step of the way, but Louis also knows it’s all about how he presents the idea to her that will ultimately make all the difference.

“Do you know what would make this tea party even better?” Louis starts, setting down his mug.

Lilly peaks up at him. “What?”

“Well, the guests and I have been talking amidst our fabulous tea.” Louis gestures to the audience surrounding him. “And we think some live music would really lift our spirits.”

“Live music?” Lilly questions, crossing her small legs and setting down her teacup.

“Oh _yes_. Mr. Platypus told me specifically that he loves listening to the violin. And then that got Dolly The Horse talking and of course the entire Winnie the Pooh cast in the corner there. Elmo and Minnie practically jumped up at the idea and now it’s basically a riot! All they want is to hear the violin! And you know what?” Louis leans in closer, lowering his voice.

Lilly inches closer, eyes wide. “What?”

“I told them that my daughter happens to be an outstanding violin player, like _the_ best ever! They all got sooo excited, I could hardly contain them!” Louis explains adamantly. “And so…of course, I told them I’d see what I could do, you know…”

“Hmmm.” Lilly stands to her feet and pulls at the lavender tulle of her tutu in consideration.

“Would you do us the tremendous honor of playing your violin for the tea party, Princess Lilly?” Louis asks officially, sounding as proper and poised as he can muster.

“Hmmm.” Lilly huffs again, kicking her socked feet together and frowning a bit.

“Don’t make me look bad in front of my good friends.” Louis gestures once again to the circle of stuffed animals and dolls sitting amongst him. “They are practically _dying_ to hear you play. And Parker loves to hear you play too, right buddy? You want your big sister to play her instrument?”

“Yay! Pway Willy, pway! Yay!” Parker claps excitedly, ever the little cheerleader.

“We really _really_ , need to work on the _L_ sound with you, big guy.” Louis says to Parker. “See Lilly, your brother is cheering you on, just like me.” 

“Hmm…alright.” Lilly nods her head with sudden determination, flipping her fluffy green boa behind her. “I guess I could play something.” 

“Amazing!” Louis claps turning to the stuffed audience. “You hear that everyone, the one and only Princess Lilly is going to give us a private show. Oh, I’m just so excited!”

“Papa, you are so embarrassing.” Lilly rolls her eyes fondly, standing to take her instrument case out of her closet. 

“I’m just so excited for you, Lils!” Louis gushes, already sliding out his phone to film the whole thing for Harry. Partially because he knows his husband would want to see it and also to prove that he got her to finally practice her violin.

Lilly carefully takes her ¼ size violin out of its case, going through the tedious measures of applying rosin to her bow and adjusting her grip, making sure everything in order. 

“Psst...um Lillypad, don’t forget you have to start with your scales, love.” Louis whispers encouragingly, winking at her from behind his raised iPhone.

Lilly nods like she’s heard it all before, which of course she has. “I know, I know. I remember, Papa.”

“Ok, alright. I’ll be quiet, but I’m here if you need me.” Louis surrenders, knowing just how nervous his daughter is. She gets very anxious about playing in front of people, even if it’s only her family, who will of course support and encourage her no matter what she sounds like.

She presses her small fingers down on the taped fingerboard, lifting the instrument to her chin. After beautifully finishing her scales routine, Lilly successfully plays a series of songs she learned from her Level One Suzuki Violin School book including timeless classics, _Twinkle Twinkle Little Star_ , _Hot Cross Buns_ and _Mary Had a Little Lamb_ , all of which Louis gives a proper standing ovation, which of course Parker imitates.

“Brilliant! Just absolutely brilliant!” Louis cheers excessively, applauding rowdily. 

Lilly does a little timid bow clutching the violin to her chest. “Was that ok?”

“Oh darling, it was phenomenal, you sounded amazing.” Louis bends down to give her an encouraging hug. “I’m very very proud of you.”

“Willy, you amazing!” Parker jumps excitedly, clapping his small hands together as he bounds around the room. “Amazing! Amazing! Amazing!” 

Lilly beams proudly at the praise, self consciousness diminishing from her flushed face as her family cheers her on. The smile on her face completely makes Louis’ day.

 

||||

 

“Alright buddy, we are going to fix this.” Louis declares in determination as he settles down on the floor of Parker’s room. “Today is the day that you learn to completely pronounce your L’s.”

Parker shuffles over across the carpet to sit right in front of Louis, folding his legs underneath him.

“So just copy everything I say ok? Every single thing.”

Parker nods, looking up at Louis with wide eager eyes. “Okie dokie, Papa.”

“Lilly.” Louis starts, going for the most common occurrence of mispronunciation.

“Willy.” Parkers copies proudly, obviously certain of his articulation.

Louis shakes his head quickly. “No.” 

“No.” The little boy repeats, even shaking his head to mirror Louis.

“LLLLLilly.” Louis drags out, hyper-enunciating the sound.

“WWLWilly.” Parker tries as best he can, an odd mix of noises coming out of his mouth.

“I just don’t understand. You got the – _illy_ part of her name, but not the first _L_.” Louis sighs in confusion, gazing at his son curiously. “Parker say illy.”

“Iwy!”

“What?!” Louis blurts out, utterly baffled at the toddler’s sudden mispronunciation.

“What?!” Parker mimics, throwing up his arms like his father.

“Illy.” Louis tries again.

“Iwy.” Parker utters confidently.

“Lilly.”

“Willy!”

“How? Just…How is this possible?” Louis tugs at his still pigtailed hair exasperatedly, gazing at the child in bewilderment. Once again cue the backstage camera, daily life in this house could easily be a sitcom. “Um ok, let’s just try a different _L_ word, ok?”

“Ok, Papa!” Parker nods easily, totally up for anything.

“I love you.”

“I wove you!” Parker copies adorably in his high little voice.

 _“L_ -ove.” Louis vocalizes clearly.

“Wove!” 

Louis sighs heavily, pinching his brow, summoning patience. “Ok, how about my name?”

“Papa!”

“No, the name Daddy calls me.” 

“Umm...” Parker thinks to himself for a moment, before jumping up and declaring his answer. “Baby!” 

“No, not that one.” Louis shakes his head.

“Oh…Wouie!” Parker jumps again, even more sure this time.

“ _L_ ouis. _L_ -ouis.” 

“Wouie! Wou! Wou! Wouie!” The little boy chants loudly, hopping up and down and bounding about the room.

Louis holds his hands up, watching Parker dance around. “Alright, alright, let’s settle down, little lad.”

“Wittle wad!” Parker mimics, adding it right into his chanting routine, almost making a song out of it. “Wouie! Wou! Wittle Wad! Wouie! Wou! Wou! Wad! Wittle!”

“Ok, that's quite enough of that.” Louis scoops Parker up into his arms only to plop him right back down in front of him again. “Now focus, alright? New tactic, let’s just focus on the L by itself this time.”

Parker recrosses his legs under each other and nods his head, paying attention again.

“ _Elle_.” Louis enunciates, dragging out the sound of the letter.

“ _Ewle_.” The little boy repeats incorrectly, making weird shapes out of his mouth just to create that sound, tongue twisted. 

“That was really close, bud!” Louis encourages optimistically. “But, this time just stick your tongue out and say _llllllll.”_

Parker frowns in confusion at first before poking his tongue out of his mouth, basically crossing his eyes trying to look down at his own tongue. “ _lllllll.”_

“Good, yeah! That’s the sound, now just use that sound to start a word. Any word at all. In fact, let’s jut do Lilly. _L-L-L-_ Lilly.”

Parker keeps his tongue hanging out of his mouth to imitate the sound he hears. “ _L-L-L-L_ -illy…” 

“Oh my god! Yes! You got it, Parks! You did it! Good job, bud!” Louis praises repeatedly, holding his hand up for a high five.

“Yayyy!” Parker cheers giddily, one dimple out as he slaps Louis’ hand with his own. “I did it! I win!”

“You win! I’m so proud of you, my love!”

“Papa, have you seen my finger paints? I can’t find them.” Lilly questions randomly, walking into Parker’s room with a stack of construction paper and tubs of glitter.

“Willy!” Parker greets happily, bounding to his feet.

“Ooh no! Parker! _L_ illy, she is _L_ illy!” Louis enunciates exasperatedly, throwing his hands up again. “You just said it! _L_ illy, _L_ illy, _L_ -illy!”

“Willy! Willy! Willy!” Parker chants, clapping his hands together with a giant smile on his face. 

“Fuck, I give up.” Louis eyes go wide as the profane word slips from his lips. He frantically shakes his head, watching in horror as his son processes the new word.

“Fuck!” Parker copies innocently.

“Oh, no, no, no! Parker, we don’t use that word, ok? Papa made a very big, very bad mistake and—”

“Willy, fuck!” Parker bursts excitedly, starting to run around the room. “Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!”

“Oh god, _no_!” Louis shakes his head wildly, internally cursing himself a million times over.

Lilly frowns at Parker before turning to Louis curiously. “Papa, you and Daddy told me that was a really really bad word. Remember, I heard it at school and—”

“Yes, it is, love.” Louis interrupts, nodding his head and placing a hand on her shoulder. “It’s a very very bad word. Don’t ever use it, ok?”

“Then why did you just say it if it’s so bad?” Lilly questions, looking up at him. “It can’t be that bad if you say it. Does Daddy say it too? What does it even mean, really?”

Louis pauses, blowing air out of his cheeks as he stalls for time, not quite sure how he should address this. He and Harry would usual break off to have one of their signature Parent Huddles, because two heads are always better than one when it comes to dealing with kids. But since Harry isn’t here, Louis is left to drown on his own. “Uhh…well…you see, Lilly…um…”

Opportunely, the baby monitor goes off and Louis is thankfully saved by the bell. “Oh, thank god.” Louis almost cries silently to himself as he quickly scrambles out of the room and down the hall to the twins’ nursery. He’ll have to deal with Parker and his new vocabulary word later.  

Both twins are sitting up in their respective cribs babbling. Once they spot Louis walking through the door they squeal in delight, reaching their tiny hands up to him.

“Hiii!” Maddi squeals, bouncing up and down in her crib, leaning on the railing.

“Pop!” Max reaches out for Louis.

“Hello, my little loves, I’m here.” Louis greets, picking each of them up to balance one on equal sides of his waist. “Are we hungry? Yeah? I’m so happy you’re up. Yes, I am.” Louis coos, taking turns kissing their chubby cheeks as he navigates through the house. “You just saved Papa from a very unfortunate situation.”

“Pop!” Max shouts contentedly, sticking a grubby finger in Louis’ mouth.

Louis just laughs warmly, kissing the baby’s tiny finger. The door bell rings just as Louis reaches the bottom of the stairs. He walks through the kitchen, placing Maddi and Max down into their playpen before continuing over to the front door.

“Hi, Z.” Louis greets, holding the door open for Zayn to come in.

“Uh hey...what’s with…” Zayn points curiously to Louis’ hair, expression confused as he looks him up and down. “The whole ensemble…”

“Oh right, yeah…” Louis touches his styled hair and sparkly hair clips. “Um…tea party. Lilly says the placement of the ponytails highlights my cheekbones and makes my eyes look, and I quote, ‘like little mini earth balls spinning in space’.”

“So…she said you look delusional?” Zayn teases, stepping inside the house.

“Shut up.” Louis laughs, closing the door behind him as a shirtless little curly blonde monster pounces in front of them.

“Uncwe Zaynie! Fuck!” Parker greets, jumping up and down on his socked feet.

Louis covers his face with his hands, sighing heavily. “Oh, _Jesus_.” 

Zayn widens his eyes in surprise, looking down at the little boy’s bright eyes. “Uhh? Hi little man…” Zayn looks back to Louis in question. “Lou, do I even want to know?”

Louis just shakes his head in exhaustion, scrubbing his face with his hands, before crouching down to his son’s eye level. “Parker, you can’t use that word, ok? We talked about that, yeah? It’s a no-no. Daddy and I don’t want you to say it.” 

“Ok, Papa. I not say it.” Parker nods his head, looking back up at Zayn. “Uncwe Zaynie, where Uncwe Wiam?”

“Oh, he’s in New York on the same trip as your Daddy.” Zayn answers easily, ruffling Parker’s curls.

“Fuck!”

“Parker Rhys!” Louis scolds as Zayn tries to mask his snickering behind his hands. “I just said that is a very bad word! Stop saying it! Don’t say it anymore!”

“At least he uses it right.” Zayn cackles softly as Parker turns and zooms off towards the living room.

“I’ve turned my son into a fuck machine.” 

Zayn winces at Louis’ choice of wording. “Mate, I wouldn’t say that again out loud.”

“Ooh…” Louis realizes, sighing heavily to himself, dragging his hands harshly over his face. “ _Ooh_! That sounds horrible! I’m becoming a horrible parent.”

“No, no never. You’re the best parent.” Zayn reassures, placing a hand on Louis’ shoulder. “I think you’re just really tired. Have you slept?”

“I was up with Lilly last night because first there were monsters under her bed and then she needed a story to fall asleep, which really is only because she misses Harry. She can never sleep when one of us isn’t home.” Louis explains, starting to walk back towards the kitchen. “Anyway, by the time she finally fell asleep it was around 3 A.M. and two hours later Maddi woke up, which, of course woke up Max and the day consequently started and here we are. I don’t remember the last time I showered, I have three different spit up stains on my shirt, princess stickers decorating my back, a sleeve of rainbow bracelets on my arms, an even sheen of lavender glitter on my skin, perfect pigtails and a sparkly headband in my hair, my son can’t stop stripping and calling his sister Willy while screaming the word fuck and it’s lunch time, so I need to go make some crust-free whole wheat sandwiches so my children don’t starve and die on my watch.” Louis gets out all in one breath, overwrought worn out expression overtaking his features.

Zayn looks at Louis as if he sprouted six heads at once, at a complete loss for words. 

“Fuuuck!” Parker screeches, zooming through the kitchen, now missing his jeans.

Louis’ entire body tenses. “Oh and did I mention my child's favorite new word? Because it's fucking _fuck_!” Louis snaps, whisper shouting the last part through his teeth so his children don't get anymore ideas. 

“Please go lay down and take a nap.” Zayn suggests with genuine worry. “You look and sound absolutely deranged and sleep deprived.” 

“Uh…I can't do that, Zayn. You must not have heard me, but I have a household to run.” Louis walks over and picks up a baby from the playpen. “Up we go, Maddi!” He nibbles on her cheek softly in greeting and settles her against his hip. “So…difficult question, but are we feeling the organic carrots and squash blend or the non-GMO certified split peas for lunch today? Carrots or peas?” 

“Pee pee pee pee!” Maddi squeals, blowing a popping sound out her tiny cheeks.

“Split peas it is, my lovely little lady!” Louis announces, setting Maddi in one of the high chairs. “Max, I'm coming for you next, little guy.” Louis reaches to open the cabinet, but instead pauses in the middle of the kitchen, hand hanging mid-motion, looking momentarily lost.

“Something wrong, Lou?” Zayn questions, frowning as he observes Louis’ erratic behavior.

“The magnets.” Louis says simply, expression still in an odd eerie daze. “Ugh, god…where are those bloody magnets?” 

“Magnets?”

“Yeah, childproof magnetic keys. They unlock all the drawers and cabinets. They look like little mini doorknobs. I lost the original one and Harry always hides the spares in weird places.” Louis frantically searches the kitchen, looking in various jars and bowls that litter the expansive kitchen space. 

Zayn squints his eyes at Louis with confusion, scratching at the back of his neck. “Umm...”

Louis scrambles on, pushing the frequently slipping sparkle headband further into his pigtailed hair. After getting nowhere for several minutes he pauses his movements, closing his eyes in a meditative state. “Ok…if I was a curly man named Harry, where would I hide the spare magnet? What would he do with it? Come on, Styles! What's in that twisted head of yours?” 

“Umm…Lou?” Zayn watches on as Louis talks to himself with a growingly disturbed expression.

“Cookie jars are far too mainstream…vases are definitely expected…” Louis contemplates out loud, pacing the floor in concentration. “But…if it’s in plain sight then there would essentially be no point, so where would he put it!? Ugh, Harry! Why must my husband be so bloody creative with his hiding places!? He could…I don’t know? Stick it to the top of the fridge like a sane person? But no! He just _has_ to be difficult and original!”

“Louis, are you…alright?”

“No! No, I’m not alright! I just want to open these stupid cabinets so I can feed my kids and move on with my day, but I—” Louis freezes, eyes wide. “The fridge!”

“What?”

Louis ignores Zayn completely as he swings open the wide stainless steel refrigerator door, scanning the contents madly. He finds a white magnetic keyknob nestled discretely among the eggs.

“Aha!” Louis fishes the magnet out from the middle of the cartoon and thrusts it up into the air victoriously with crazed eyes. “Found one!” 

“Ok…enough. I have seen _enough_.” Zayn asserts, stepping closer. “Seriously, Louis go take a nap. You should see yourself. I can handle them for a few hours.” 

Louis shakes his head wildly. “I can't! I mean—I have to—”

“Louis. Lou, come on, come here.” Zayn engulfs Louis’ body forcibly in a soothing embrace. “It's alright, you’re alright.”

“It's a lot, Zayn. It's just…a lot…” Louis exhales, slowly relaxing into Zayn’s arms.

“I know, you need a break. That's why I'm here. I got it. There are four kids and only one of you, it's got to be hard. Anyone in your position would be exhausted. Let me help you.” 

Louis hums meaninglessly against Zayn’s shoulders nodding his head.

“Yeah, ok so give this to me.” Zayn takes the baby safety magnet from Louis’ hand and sets it down on the counter. He starts forcefully pushing Louis out of the kitchen towards the stairs, Louis walking blindly. 

“Oh, but Max probably needs to be changed. It's been awhile.” Louis remembers, starting to turn around against Zayn, baby ponytails bouncing on top of his head. “I forgot to change him after his nap.”

“Yeah, I can do that.” Zayn redirects him around “I've changed your kids’ nappies many times.” 

“And Parker is most definitely naked somewhere. I can one hundred percent confirm that right now. He is a future leader of a nudist colony, you know? Harry and I are, in a word…thrilled.” 

Zayn chuckles at Louis’ never-ending sarcasm. “Ok, I'll take care of it.”

“I don't even know where Lilly is. Where is Lilly? Have you seen her? Did I lose my eldest child? She said something about finger paints? I think? I don’t know?” Louis spins around. “I have to find her.”

“No, no. I'll find her, she's fine I'm sure.” Zayn reassures, steering Louis in the right direction again. “Go to sleep, Louis.”

Louis nods, yawning uncontrollably. “Ok yeah…” He turns around slowly to give Zayn a lazy hug, resting his chin on his shoulder, body suddenly so heavy. “Bless you, Zayn.” 

“Get your ass in bed, Lou.” Zayn instructs as he shoos Louis up the stairs. “And take a shower while you’re at it, please.”

 

||||

 

Harry plays the video Louis sent him of Lilly playing her violin the second he gets out of his morning meeting and he can’t stop smiling. Seeing her perform causes his heart to swell with pride. He’s watched the clip three full times already, when Liam comes up behind him.

“Liam! Look!” Harry instantly shoves the phone in Liam’s face, before he even has the chance to say hello. “Isn't she just brilliant!?”

“Aww mate, she's adorable as ever.” Liam smiles warmly as he watches the screen. “She’s getting really good, yeah? Didn’t she just start a few months ago? That’s amazing.”

“I know!” Harry gushes, ever the proud parent. 

“Is that your oldest daughter?” President Richards slides up next to them, looking over Harry’s shoulder at his phone screen.

“Yeah, my Lilly.” Harry beams, the widest dimpled smile on his face.

“Oh wow, look at her, she's gotten so big! She's what? Six years old now?”

“Yeah, she’s just growing up on me.” Harry pouts his lip a little.

“My, time flies. Soon, before you know it, you'll be like me bragging about grandchildren like me.” President Richards laughs to himself, always seeming to be entertained by his own jokes. “But Harry, really. Your daughter is so precious. All of your kids are. You and Louis are doing such a wonderful job parenting them. You should be proud.”

“Thank you, sir. I really appreciate that.”  

President Richards slings his arms over Harry and Liam’s shoulders. “So do you young directors want to grab coffee before the next meeting? On me.”

“I could go for coffee.” Liam pipes up eagerly. “I hate to say it, but I was seriously struggling to stay awake during that last meeting.”

President Richards chuckles, surprisingly agreeing. “I can’t blame you, son. I’m right there with you. It was _incredibly_ dull in there, I could barely keep my eyes open, which is why coffee is on me. Harry, what about you?”

“Oh yeah, I’d love to.” Harry answers. “But I should probably check in on my husband first and I’ll meet up with you.”

“Of course, take your time. We’ll just be at the shop across the street.”

Harry gives a thumbs up before they part ways. He takes a seat in one of the leather lounge seats, pulling up Louis’ contact to video call him.

“Louis.” Harry smiles warmly at the simple sight of his husband’s tired face. 

“Hi, babe.” Louis answers softly, voice drowsy.

“Is this…um a bad time?” Harry can tell from the background that Louis is in their bed, lying on his side, duvet pulled up to his chin, phone most likely propped up on the adjacent pillow. He looks so cozy and Harry would give anything to be there right now and just curl up against him.

“Mmm no.” Louis eyes blink heavily. “Zayn is here and he ordered me to take a nap because I look shit. Apparently.” Louis gestures to his appearance, pouting cutely.

“Oh love, are you alright?” Harry worries, grooved indent instantly emerging on his brow. “What can I do for you, Lou? I hate that I’m not there to help you. I’m so sorry, baby. Do you want me to call—”

“No Haz, it’s fine really, I’m good.” Louis assures, interrupting Harry’s worried ramblings. “Zayn is here, as I said, and he’s got the kids for awhile.”

“I’m glad he came over. I know it’s a lot to handle by yourself. How are you really?”

“Just kind of tired, yeah? Our lively little ratpack is as rambunctious as ever, but I just put on a little bit of a show over the precise location of the spare childlock magnet.”

“It’s in the fridge with the eggs.” Harry says easily, as if it’s so incredibly obvious.

“Yeah...” Louis sighs heavily. “Why it was located there, I still don’t know. How I was able to figure it out, is also a mystery completely unknown to me.”

“Oh, so you found it then?”

“Yes H, somehow I understand your odd unpredictable logic.”

“Cuz you’re my better half, of course.” Harry boasts, making a lame half a heart shape with his free hand. “But seriously…are you ok, Lou? Let me at least let you go so you can take a nap.”

“No, I’m not even that tired.” Louis insists again, putting, on a brave face, but Harry can easily tell he is absolutely knackered and probably barely holding his eyes open.

Harry decides to let it go for the time being, he knows how stubborn and headstrong Louis can be sometimes. “Lou, is your skin...glittery?”

“Shimmer body mist, courtesy of our firstborn child. I’ve also got a lovely four piece set of tiny ponytails with a mint condition sparkle headband.” Louis shows off his new hairdo. “ _And_ a bracelet in literally every color imaginable.”

“Well, you look ravishing, darling.” Harry touts in an overly extravagant voice, “Absolutely radiant.” 

“Oh stop it, you'll make me blush.” Louis fans himself pompously, throwing his head back in a grandiose manner. “You know it all goes straight to my head.”

Harry giggles amusedly, enamored by his spouse as always. “So the tea party was a success, I assume.”

“Oh yeah, it was amazing...yeah…” Louis yawns over his words, blinking heavily. “Lilly makes the best tea, Haz. Just absolutely incredible. I can’t even tell you how proud I am.”

“Taking after her Papa.”

“Mmm…yeah.” Louis hums sleepily with a happy lopsided smile. “Did you see the video of her playing the violin?”

“Oh my god, yes!” Harry gushes, proudly. “She was amazing! And she's getting sooo good and her little confident smile at the end made my entire day.” 

“I know! I'm so proud of her. I sent it to our parents and they went ballistic. Your mum literally called me two seconds later and insisted on talking to Lilly personally.”

“I bet she loved all the attention.” Harry smirks knowingly.

“Oh, of course she did. And now she's telling me how she wants to be serious about practicing and how this is her ‘true calling’.” Louis finger quotes, rolling his eyes fondly.

“That girl.” Harry laughs affectionately, pushing his falling hair out of his face. “What are we going to do with her?”

“Invest all our time and money into making sure she becomes a world class violinist apparently.” Louis jokes, eyes crinkling. “But I am really happy that she is starting to feel good about playing in front of people. Even though it was like pulling teeth to get her to play the damn thing.” 

“Well, you got her to do it.”

“We speak the same language, love.” Louis winks before his face is taken over by another loud yawn.

“You look very sleepy, baby. You can barely keep your eyes open.” Harry tries again gently. “I’ll let you get some rest. I know how exhausted you are, it’s all over your face.”

“No, don’t go yet! Talk to me some more please, your voice is soothing.” Louis yawns heavily, rubbing his eyes dozily. “How is work going?”

“It’s going well.” Harry starts. “The first few presentations were successful and I think we’ll definitely close the publishing deal.”

“Yeah?” Louis’ blinks keep getting longer and longer, heavier and heavier. Harry doesn’t really consider it blinking anymore, his eyes are definitely just closed.

“Yeah, I mean there are still a lot of conceptual ideas and drafts to go over with the client and tons of paperwork and proofs to be approved…but yeah it’s going well, overall.”

“Mmm that’s so great, babe…” Louis drifts off slowly, voice fading in and out as his eyes flutter closed again. “So…great…”

“Yeah and later I’m thinking of maybe dying my hair pink and jumping off a cliff naked.” Harry tests, watching as Louis’ tries and fails to open his eyes longer than 0.5 seconds. “What do you think?”

“Amazing, love…you’re…brilliant…” Louis responds in a daze, obviously no longer mentally present in the conversation. “I’m just…so…proud…”

“Yeah, I’ll send you pics when I do it.” Harry continues jokingly. “I’m thinking bright magenta? Or maybe I’ll do an ombré thing? I think I can pull off frosted tips. Make my eyes pop?”

“Mmm…nice…” Louis mumbles hazily, clearly falling asleep on him, hair sticking up against the pillows, still tied into little pigtails.

Harry shakes his head fondly. “Get some sleep, baby.”

“Mhmm…ok…” Louis drones softly with his eyes totally shut. “I…love…you…H…”

Harry smiles slowly. “I love you too.”

Harry stays connect to FaceTime for a few minutes longer watching his husband drift fully asleep, soft breaths escaping his peaceful slightly ajar mouth.

“Bye, Lou.” Harry whispers before disconnecting the call.

 

||||

 

Louis bolts awake with a start, imprints of bracelets on his cheeks and pigtails hanging lopsidedly off his head. He takes a quick analysis of his surroundings, listening out for alarming sounds of child distress. To his amazement, nothing is burning and no one is screaming and no one is crying. In fact, it’s eerily quiet and peaceful.

A rarity at best in this house.  

Not truly believing the odd silence to be genuine, Louis scrambles downstairs to find Zayn sitting crossed legged on the family room floor, playing happily with Maddi and Max. “Zayn?”

“I see you still haven't showered.” Zayn comments, looking up at Louis, surrounded by colored toy blocks. In his lap, Maddi is happily chewing on a squishy red block, while Max continues to make a real effort in stacking a few blocks together.

Louis touches a self-conscious hand to his wilted pigtails, shoving his slipping headband further into his hair. “Is everything…ok? I mean…the kids are…fine?”  

“Yep.” Zayn answers, sounding a bit smug. “The five of us had a lovely lunch together. Then I tricked Parker out of using his favorite problem word in exchange for a new word. _And_ , I got him to wear clothes, at least for now, anyway.” Zayn boasts proudly. “He and Lilly are finger-painting contently in her room now.”

Louis simply stares back at Zayn in earnest disbelief. It’s not that he didn’t have faith in Zayn, he’s watched their kids before, it’s just that Zayn always watches them with the help of Liam, a very _very_ overbearingly responsible adult. Truthfully, Louis expected a lot more chaos and destruction at the hands of Zayn, but was too exhausted to care at the time.

“…And as for Maddi, Max and I, we are building a pretty impressive castle. Right guys? Yeah, yeah we are.” Zayn coos at the twins, voice pitched higher as he kisses their chubby cheeks. “I was actually just about to feed them again and put them down when you came in.”

Louis shakes his head dumbly. “I don't know how you accomplished all that, but I don't even need to know.”

“Yes, yes. I know what you’re implying, Tomlinson.” Zayn stands to his feet, narrowing his eyes defensively. “I do know my way around kids without the help of my husband, thank you very much.”

“I’m quite aware of that now.” Louis smiles, eyebrows raised. “I’m sorry I ever doubted you, mate.”

“Mhmm.”

Louis pulls Zayn in for a tight appreciative hug, holding him close. “You’re a godsend, Zayn. Thank you.”

“Please go shower.” Zayn grumbles, taking a whiff of the mixture of accumulated scents that make up Louis. “You smell like shit.” 

“Oi!” Louis shoves Zayn shoulder playfully, overly offended expression on his face.

“Well, it’s true!” Zayn snickers, eyes creased. “It’s god-awful, bro.”

“Ok, ok geez. I’ll shower after we get these two settled in.” Louis says, gesturing to the babies still playing on the floor.

“Fine, fine.” Zayn backs off. “Just as long as it gets done.”

After double teaming the workload, Zayn and Louis successfully get the little twins fed, cleaned and rocked soundly to sleep in record time.

“Zaaayn, don't leave me _pleeease_!” Louis begs theatrically, head tossed back in mock anguish, standing outside of the twins’ nursery. “Stay the night, I need adult conversation, I _crave_ it! I'm actually going mad without Harry. Utterly and truly mad!” He links arms with Zayn as the meander down the hallway and descend the stairs, leaning into him. “I'll even cook dinner for you!” 

“Cook?” Zayn raises a shocked and curious eyebrow, turning his head towards Louis.

“Yes! I make a mean lasagna.” Louis boasts proudly. “I told you, I've been trying to master one dish a month and this month is lasagna.”

“Frankly, I didn't think you were serious.” Zayn admits, laughing with surprise.  

“Wow, thanks for the vote of confidence, mate.” Louis punches Zayn in the shoulder lightheartedly. “Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I’m essentially an amateur chef now, so…”

“Really?” Zayn questions, tone dripping with mockery. “Hmmm.”

“Yes, really.” Louis holds his chin up in a pompous fashion. “Harry doesn’t have a single thing on me. He hardly holds a candle to my superior culinary skills. I am basically the next Curtis Stone.”

Zayn bursts fully into a fit of laughs at that, tossing his head back.

“Too far?” Louis raises an eyebrow, grinning.

Zayn nods, eyes crinkled into a smile. “Definitely. It moved out of the realm of plausibility after the Curtis Stone claim.”

Louis laughs. “Ok fine, but seriously, I’m not bad in the kitchen. And I can prove it to you if you let me make you dinner. Come on, I owe you.”

“That is very sweet of you, Lou and I wish I could stay, but Li and I have a hot date.” Zayn winks suggestively.

Louis narrows his eyes curiously. “Liam is in New York, Zayn…”

“Exactly.” Zayn winks again, only serving to irritate Louis further. “But the wonders of modern technology will bring us together.”

“Whether I feel hatred or jealousy towards you and your husband is unclear at the moment.” 

“Well, we don't have amazing and adorable kids to tire us out like you do.” Zayn reminds with a grin.

Louis sighs, nodding. “I sacrifice my bodily needs for my amazing and adorable kids every single day.”

“Exactly and I think that's beautiful...just not for me and Liam. We have real needs.” 

“Oh, get out of my childproof house, you twat!” Louis swats at Zayn’s forearms, pushing him towards the door.

“Love ya, mate.” Zayn leans over to kiss Louis’ cheek in farewell. “Rain check on dinner and call me if you need anything. I’m always happy to help.”

“Have fun on your hot skype sex date. Or whatever.” Louis mumbles begrudgingly, rolling his eyes.

“I always do.” Zayn smirks. “See ya, Lou, don’t forget to shower.”

Louis rolls his eyes again as he closes the door behind Zayn, laughing to himself as he starts towards the bathroom. But he hardly takes a single step when Parker and Lilly make a reappearance, bounding down the stairs together loudly.

“Papa, look what we did!” Lilly shouts, running up to him excitedly with Parker in tow.

“Oh… _wow_ …” Louis tries to smile but internally groans as he slowly takes in the state of his kids, covered head to toe in a rainbow of paints and handprints. Clumps of color in their hair, staining their clothes, littering their skin, leaving a trail everywhere they’ve been thus far. If they look like this, he can only imagine the scene of the crime. His nap suddenly feels rendered void, exhaustion waving over Louis again.

“I painted you a picture!” Lilly shoves her art work up in his face. “See! Look, it’s you and Daddy. And then me, Parker Maddi and Max.” She explains, pointing to each figure represented in her painting with pride.  

“Me too!” Parker exclaims smiling wide, proudly waving his own art project comprised of overlapping hand prints in a swarm of blurred colors. Oddly, but unsurprisingly, there is more paint on Parker’s body than there is on the piece of colored paper.

“That is just…incredible.” Louis awes, not sure if he is more in awe over the creative colorful pictures or the fact that Parker managed to get paint on his teeth and doesn’t seem to be bothered by it in the slightest. “Absolutely _incredible_.”

“Do you like it?” Lilly wonders, looking up at Louis expectantly with bright eyes.

“Oh yes! I love it so much, Lils. And yours too, Parker. Thank you both, it’s so lovely.”

“I’m going to paint another one for Daddy too!” Lilly declares excitedly.

“No!” Louis jumps quickly to say, not wanting her to get paint any where else in the house. “I mean…um…how about you give him the one you made for me? It’s just so perfect, I know he’d love it.”

“But what about you?” Lilly’s expression quickly falls as she hangs her head. “You don’t want my art? I worked really really hard on it for you, Papa.”

“Of course I do baby, don’t ever think that. Thank you so much for making it for me, it’s so _sooo_ beautiful, I love it!” Louis reassures, kneeling down to his daughter’s eye level and placing his hands on her shoulders. “I just…I really want Daddy to have it. That way you can surprise him with it when he gets home. I think he feels left out, and your amazing artwork would make him feel so much better. Don’t you think?”

“Yeah, ok…I think you’re right. Daddy would really like it.”

“Yes, he definitely would.” Louis nods in agreement. “And besides we should go get you both cleaned up before dinner, yeah?”

“Yay! Bath time!” Parker enthuses, obviously excited for any time he gets to go without his clothes. Filled with bursting delight, he starts to zoom off through the house, waving his messy hands in the air.                                                                                                                 

“Wait buddy, you’ll get paint everywhere! Your clothes are a mess!” Louis chases after Parker. “Lilly, go take a bath in the other bathroom and put all that in the laundry room, ok?”

“Ok, but can I use you and Daddy’s tub instead?” Lilly asks sweetly, following Louis who is attempting to capture Parker.

“Why?” Louis asks over his shoulder.

“Cuz it’s bigger and I like to swim in it.” Lilly explains easily. “And it has those fun jet thingies and all the really really pretty smelling soaps that smell like Daddy and—”

“Bath time for me!” Parker throws his paint dripped shirt on the floor, splattering loose paint with it.

“Oh, Parker, _no_!” Louis goes to pick up the messy boy before he leaves trails of paint all over the house.

“So…can I?” Lilly badgers again, right on Louis’ heels.

“Yeah. Ok, fine Lils…ok…” Louis answers absently, more focused on safely diffusing the bomb that is Parker.

“Yay!” Lilly cheers, wasting no time in running up the stairs. “Thank you, Papa!”

“Mhmm.” Louis hums distractedly, successfully grabbing the toddler before he launches his paint-covered body on the couch. “Gotcha! Let’s get you cleaned up, love.”

“Bath time! Bath time! Bath time!” Parker singsongs, cheering excitedly from his position in Louis’ arms.

 

||||

 

“There he is, there’s my little curly boy.” Louis announces, rinsing off the last traces of soap from Parker’s hair. “You are officially paint free and I can finally see your cute face again.”

Parker just stares back at Louis in silence, a contemplative look etched over his features as he sits cross-legged in the bathtub full of bubbly water.

“What? What’s wrong, my love?” Louis wonders, leaning in to examine the toddler. “Are you ok, Parks? Is there soap in your eye? Do you need to go potty?”

Parker shakes his dripping locks, eyes still locked on Louis seriously. Louis almost thinks he could be constipated or something, with the weird look the little child is giving him.

“Parker?”

“Papa…can you…go?”

“Go?” Louis sits back on the toilet seat, completely puzzled. “Go where, bud?”

“I wanna pway with mysewf.” Parker states unknowingly.

“You mean play _by_ yourself.”  Louis corrects easily.

“No.” Parker frowns, shaking his wet curls again. “No. I wanna be with me. Awone. Me and my toys.”

Louis stares at his son in the bathtub, blinking in downright confusion and mild disturbance. Of course, he knows this little toddler doesn’t mean what it sounds like he means but—

“I wanna pway with me.” Parker points a soapy finger to his chest, sitting up in the tub. “For exactwy three minutes. So you can go. Away. Go.”

“Ok?” Louis says slowly, more in question than understanding.

Parker stares openly not offering any further information or explanation to his reasoning.

“Um…Ok. Sure.” Louis agrees with uncertainty. “Three minutes, you got it.”

Parker just stares again, all big expressive eyes and droopy ringlets as he sits motionless in the bathwater apparently waiting for Louis to leave.

Louis starts to stand up from the closed toilet seat. “So…I guess I’ll be going now…”

“Mmm…wait.” Parker holds up his small wet hand.

Louis raises an inquisitive eyebrow. “Yes?”

“I change my mind.” Parker declares.

Louis narrows his eyes. “You changed your mind? Just like that?”

“Yes.” Parker decides, nodding with compelling certainty. “You can stay. But you gotta be very very quiet and turn away.”

“I can go…really it’s no trouble, Parker.” Louis offers, making to stand again.

“No! Stay!” Parker insists, suddenly urgent. “I no wanna be wonewy.”

“You don’t want to be lonely?” Louis questions curiously, trying to maintain a straight face. “But you just said you want to be alone.”

“No! No! Stay here pwease! Stay!”

“Ok, alright. I’m staying, I’m staying.” Louis gives up, not trying to understand the inner workings of a three-year-old mind.

“But turn that way!” Parker instructs with urgency. “Don’t watch me!”

“Ok.” Louis spins around, back to the tub as instructed. “Is this ok?”

“Yes.”

Louis sits quietly on the closed toilet seat facing the wall as Parker plays happily with the remaining bubbles in the bath tub, making sound effects to match his various toys. Except that the sounds he chooses to voice each of his bath toys don’t match. Parker makes the rubber ducky moo, and the little dolphin quack, while the turtle starts barking, and apparently seahorses talk just like humans. Fascinating.

“Uh, buddy…” Louis starts, turning around towards the tub, attempting to offer guidance to his son. “You know that cows are actually the animal that make more of the ‘moo’ sound and ducks—”

“Shh! Shh!” Parker protests, holding a finger to his lips. “Papa! Quiet! It me time! Me! Turn away!”

“Right, sorry, sorry.” Louis apologizes, bowing his head and turning on the toilet seat with his hands raised in surrender. “Excuse me. I’ll let you have _your_ time in peace. I’m just going to read this shampoo bottle. You do you, buddy.”

“Thank you.” Parker beams politely, turning his attention back to his wrongly voiced toys.

Louis bites back an amused grin, holding back his giggles. He truly has the most entertaining children.

 

||||

 

“Lilly! What is this?” Louis questions as he observes the disarrayed state of their master bathroom. He holds up a bottle of what used to be Harry’s _Mediterranean Sea Breeze_ bubble bath.

“It’s bubble bath.” Lilly shrugs simply, standing before Louis in her nightgown, a towel draped over her shoulders to combat her dripping hair.

“No. No, it’s not.” Louis unscrews the top of the bottle of alleged bubble bath, holding it out to her. “Care to try again?”

“Um…” Lilly swings her hands anxiously behind her, bouncing on her toes and averting her eyes.

“I’ll give you a hint…” Louis slowly pours the contents of the bottle out into the sink, the liquid resembling the likes of soapy bath water. “It’s not what it was when I bought it.”

Lilly bites her lip, shrugging sheepishly. “Oops?”

“Oops?”

“I’m sorry Papa! Really! I didn’t mean to, it just…all spilled out.” Lilly apologizes earnestly. “So I put bubble bath water in it and thought maybe you wouldn’t…um... notice?”

“I wouldn’t notice the obvious change of dark blue soap to slightly bluish soapy water?” Louis questions curiously. “Lilly, I wasn’t born yesterday. And I’m not nearly old enough to have completely lost my sight.”

“I know, I know…” Lilly hangs her head remorsefully. “It was an accident! I’m really really sorry, I swear!”

Louis sighs, draining the rest of the bottle before tossing it in the trash bin under the sink. “I know you didn’t do it on purpose, that's more something your brother would do, but since it’s Daddy’s you’ll have to tell him what happened when he gets home.” 

“Is Daddy going to be mad at me?” Lilly worries, eyes wide. “I’ll tell him the truth, I just don’t want him to be mad at me.”

“Hmm…well maybe, just maybe, he’ll be so overcome with joy and happiness because he missed you so much, that he’ll just forget about it.”

“And...maybe the picture I made him will help?” Lilly adds with a tiny smile.

“Definitely can’t hurt.” Louis winks. “Now finish drying your hair and then come help me make dinner.”

Louis, with the assistance of his kids, successfully makes a lovely dinner. After they eat, Lilly and Parker twist his arm into letting them stay up a little later to watch _Moana_. They snuggle up together on the couch, although Parker falls asleep 30 minutes into the movie, curled up against Louis’ chest. Louis would probably have joined him in sleep if it wasn’t for Lilly bursting into song every few minutes, encouraging Louis to sing along with her. Once the movie ends, Louis carries a sleeping Parker to his bed and tucks Lilly in for the night, checking in on the twins before heading to his room.

It almost feels too good when his head hits the pillow of his bed, still fully clothed. He tells himself that he’ll just lay down and rest his eyes for a second before getting up, showering and getting ready for bed. But…his body feels sooo tired and heavy…and…

 

||||

 

Harry gets back to his hotel suite early after back to back conferences and presentations. Although he feels utterly exhausted from the events of the day, Harry also feels oddly adventurous and…horny. Definitely horny.

So it is because of this powerful driving force that Harry finds himself completely stripped down, bare ass sitting at the desk in his suite, dialing up his husband via FaceTime on his laptop.

“Baby.” Harry says darkly, the heated look in his eyes practically screams both desperation and sexual frustration.

“Huh? What? Um? Hello?” Louis answers the video call with groggy blinking eyes, hair sticking up in odd directions atop his head.

“Wait—were you asleep? You look like I just startled you awake.”

“What? Hmm. No? No—erm, no.” Louis denies, eyes still disoriented and slightly alarmed as he seems to take a survey of his surroundings, including himself. “No.”

“You were definitely asleep.” Harry declares, giggling.” And you fell asleep on accident with your clothes on. You look like you don’t even know what dimension you’re in or who you are.”

“Uh…?” Louis frowns through the screen, rubbing his eyes before he finally notices the shirtless state of his spouse. “Enough about me…what’s wrong up with _you_? Why do you look and sound so...creepy?”

Harry scowls, instantly offended. “I do not sound creepy.”

“Yeah, you do actually.” Louis disagrees, starting to wake up fully. “You’ve got the dark husky voice on and everything.”  

“No, I don’t.”

“You were like ‘ _baby’_ ,” Louis mimics Harry’s opening greeting, dropping his voice as low as possible and pulling an exaggerated version of Harry’s smoldering facial expression. “all low and deep and manly and throaty. There was no ‘hey louis’ or ‘hi lou’, just straight to ‘ _baby_ ’.” He deepens his voice again, donning The Face as he says it. “A bit creepy, love.”

“I always call you that!” Harry defends, voice cracking a bit in vexation.

“Ehh…not like that. Not like ‘ _baby_ ’.” Louis impersonates again, obviously amusing himself every time he says it.

“Ok stop, that is not how my voice sounds.” Harry broods, eyebrows deeply furrowed.

“‘ _Baby_ ’.” Louis smirks teasingly.

“I did call for a reason, you know?” Harry snaps, crossing his arms over his naked chest.

Louis bites his bottom lip, practically bursting to say it again and continue to tease his spouse. “Did you call to tell me riddles…‘ _baby_ ’?”

“No, I called for sex.” Harry announces brazenly in challenge, schooling his face to be void of emotion.

Louis’ mouth snaps shut at that, caught off guard. “That’s…so? Forward? And unexpected?”

“Well…that was the point.” Harry huffs, lips pursed.

“What? Are you serious? Right now? Like…cyber phone sex or whatever?” Louis questions pausing to take a look at Harry again. “Wait—you aren't just shirtless are you?” 

Harry winks, licking his lips meaningfully.

“Ugh baaabe!” Louis throws his head back and drags out the word in a mix of anguish, attraction and confliction. “That’s very sexy and I love the enthusiasm, really I do…and ordinarily I’d be so into it, obviously. I mean, look at you. But I just put the kids to bed and I'm just so dead tired, I don't know if I'm in the mood, really. You know? I also desperately need to take a shower, so...”

“Louehhh pleaseee.” Harry whines, leaning into the screen a bit. “I'm tired too, not to say that you being tired isn't valid of course, because I know our kids and I know they probably ran you ragged, especially all by yourself and you are such a trooper and like—the most incredible dad.” He rambles on. “But I want to help you take your mind off of things and de-stress…because I love you.”

“Or because you're horny and I am many _many_ steps up from going solo.”

“No, it's because I love you, baby. I love you that much.” Harry professes adamantly.

Louis deadpans at him through the camera, neither impressed or convinced.

“Fine, ok!” Harry confesses in defeat. “And…I might be a little bit horny. Whatever. Shut up.” 

“Figures, just calling me up like I'm some side hoe off the street whose only purpose in life is to pleasure you.”

“Ok, you're obviously not a side hoe...you're _my_ hoe.” Harry corrects seriously. “My ride or die hoe. My heart beats for only you hoe. My no one does it better hoe. My I got naked for you hoe, My—”

“Enough.” Louis interrupts holding a hand up. “I get it. I'm your all access pass hoe.”

“I mean we are married for fucks sake! Who else am I going to call?”

“Your own hand.” Louis suggests with a cocky smirk, snuggling back into his pillow.

“Oh come on, Louis! It'll be fun. Like an adventure. A sex adventure to add to our sexcapades.” Harry enthuses, trying so hard to convince him. “You keep saying how we need to keep our sex life alive. We don’t want to be the couple that lets a little exhaustion drown out our chances of having sex. We’re young, Louis. We’re young and hot and a gazillion miles apart and we have needs. We can’t ignore our needs right? It’s not healthy for our relationship. For our marriage.”

“I guess that's true. And I have been saying that...” Louis agrees, considering the opportunity. “We can't tank what little sex opportunities we have...it’s practically a crime.”

“A crime of passion.” Harry puns with a silly grin.

“Mmm exactly.” Louis concurs seriously, nodding his head slowly.

“So…you'll do it?” Harry wonders hopefully.

“Are you going to call me ‘ _baby’_ again?”

“Do you want me to?”

“…Maybe…” Louis mumbles, looking away from the camera as he rubs the back of his neck.

Harry smirks smugly, holding his head up. “Then I will.”

“Fineee.” Louis drags out, sighing heavily like it's such a heavy burden. “But you have to do all the work.”

“Yes, ok whatever.” Harry rushes out anxiously, gesturing to Louis’ clothes. “Now take all of that off.”

“Geez, no build up what so ever. Cherish me a little, damn.” Louis scoffs, insulted. “What kind of man do you think I am?”

“The kind of man that just agreed to have sex through FaceTime with his husband, but who is cocooned in layers of body warping sweats and wasting time.” Harry replies obviously. “Take that shit off, Tomlinson! Strip!” 

“Alright, alright!” Louis gives in, shedding his soft grey hoodie to expose his chest. “I would tell you to keep your pants on, but they're already gone.”

“Don’t fault me for coming prepared.” Harry simpers.

“I’m not faulting you, I’m simply saying that—wait, ewww! Ugh, god! There's baby food on my pants. Look.” Louis groans in disgust, flashing the hem of his underwear, peaking out from under his sweatpants.

“Definitely sex appeal at it’s finest.” Harry teases, leaning in a little closer to the screen to inspect the odd stain. 

“But…how did it get there? It bypassed everything…” Louis hunches over himself, trying to get a better look. “No…wait it’s not food. Fuck, Harry. It’s not food!” Louis throws his head back and whines. “Oh my god, there is baby gunk on me. On my actual person.”

“It happens, at least it’s not a lot.”

“Ughhh, it’s crusted over!” Louis gags repeatedly, sounding like he’s about to start choking.  

Suddenly Louis’ eyes go wide and he instantly covers his mouth and looks down away from the camera, face disappearing from view.

“Lou, are you ok?”

Louis looks back at the camera with a deeply sickened expression, his entire face upturned in disgust. “I threw up in my mouth.”

“What?”

“I fucking threw up in my fucking mouth.” Louis repeats wincingly.

“Oh, well then I guess this is the perfect time to tell you that you also still have one random ponytail sticking up on the side of your head and like a little blue streak on your forehead.” Harry leans in closer to the screen again. “Is that…paint?”

Louis touches a hand to his head tentatively. “Oh god…” He sighs defeated. “Harry, I can’t do this right now. It’s just not—”

“Baby, it’s fine. You’re fine. It’s ok.”

“I look and feel like shit.” Louis grumbles, scraping his tongue along his teeth in repugnance.

“You look gorgeous and you only feel like shit because your gorgeous mouth tastes like shit.”

“Wow. That is the most romantic thing you have ever said to me.”

Harry smiles widely. “Aww really?”

“No.” Louis answers flatly, eyes squinted, utterly unamused.  

“God, you’re so fucking hot, baby.” Harry praises, trying to do a little better at flattering his spouse. “Just take your pants off for me, yeah? And then um—” He yawns heavily, interrupting himself.

“Umm…I’m sorry?” Louis scowls, offended. “Am I boring you now?”

“No, no sorry. I told you I was kind of tired and it just hit me.” Harry tries his best to shake another setting yawn, blinking his eyes repeatedly. “But I’m fine! I swear. I’m fine. Let’s do this. Keep stripping, babe.”

Louis kneels up on the bed to shuffle out of his sweatpants, but before he even gets them off the screen goes dim and blurry, cutting in and out randomly, until nothing is really identifiable anymore. 

“You just got really…pixely.” Harry tilts his head at his laptop, squinting his eyes trying to determine what the hell is on his screen. “Babe…what am I looking at?” 

“You don't recognize my ass!?” Louis twists around in absolute horror as the pixilation clears up, resolution sharpening to clearly display Louis’ bare bum. “Has it been that long? I never thought this day would come!” Louis groans, collapsing backwards on the bed in despair.  “My own spouse can't identify my fucking body parts anymore!”

“No, it's not that!” Harry tries. “I am intimately familiar with your body and specifically your ass, it's just that the signal got really weak and it went dark and then it was like…I dunno—a blob?”

“ _A blob_?!” Louis blurts, eyes wide with terror. “Fuck, H! Thanks for that vote of confidence, I really needed that.”

“No, you aren't a blob, baby! I'm just saying what my screen looked like—”

“Well, your screen is some depiction of me so...” Louis crosses his arms over his bare chest, scowling.

“I could recognize your ass from anywhere, at anytime, at any place.”

“Except on a damn screen.” Louis huffs, glowering heavily.

“Baby, I love your ass so much, it's my _life_.” Harry confesses in earnest. “I miss it with my entire being.”

“Mmm.” Louis hums, sounding unconvinced and even a shade bitter. He tilts his chin, narrowly eyeing Harry from the side. “What would you do to it if you were here?”

“Dirty things.” Harry mumbles, hardly moving his mouth in an attempt at holding in a rising yawn.

“Ok, like what?” 

“Really, really, _really_ , very, very, _veeery_ dirty, naughty things.”

“Wow. Gee. So graphic, so detailed. I can just picture it exactly. Wow.” Louis comments sarcastically. “Anything specific, love? Just spell it out for me.” 

“Ummm...” Harry stalls while trying to hide his uncontrollable yawn with the back of his hand, which doesn’t work out very well as his sleepy yawns overpower his voice completely. “I would...well I'd…probably um....”

“Oh my god, Harold!” Louis urges impatiently, throwing his hands up. 

“What? I'm thinking!” Harry defends as he rubs his eyes with the backs of his palms.  

“It's not that deep! Say anything!”

“Or is it that deep?” Harry jokes, sticking his tongue out suggestively at the camera.

Louis glares flatly, lips set in a hard line. “I’m done here.”

“Ok! I'm sorry, I'm sorry!” Harry apologizes repeatedly, grazing his fingers through his wild hair. “I didn't realize how tired I actually was and it's so hard to think. It's easier to just do it than to think about doing it and then explain how I'd do it in graphic detail, it's just...so much.”

“This was your idea, Harry.” Louis points out, completely unamused.

“Well…really _you_ put the idea in my head yesterday when you suggested it.” Harry amends with a smirk.

“But _I'm_ not the one who initiated it with their exhausted spouse and then begged said spouse to go along with it and is now leaving said spouse hanging.” Louis reminds pointedly.

“Ok, ok you're right. I’m sorry.” Harry shakes out his body trying to clear his head and wake up a little. “Umm…hmm…ok your ass, your ass…what would I do to your ass? Harry asks himself repeatedly, stretching his arms up as he yawns one more time.

“That is the winning question, my dear husband who is testing my patience.”  

“Ok got it!” Harry announces excitedly, wiggling his eyebrows. “I would eat it out!”

“That's _it_!? You mean to tell me that the best you can come up with after half a century of heehawing and humming to yourself is you would eat my ass out?” Louis huffs irately, rolling his eyes. “Wow, brilliant. That right there is arguably your best work. Sexually, I have never been more satisfied. I swear. Actually, ooh wow gee look at that, ooh _ooh,_ I just came. Wow.” Louis fake moans flatly, glaring at his husband bitterly.  

“Ha ha ha.” Harry sighs exasperatedly, narrowing his eyes at Louis. “Ok, well I mean obviously I would make you come for real if I was there. When is the last time we even had sex over the phone or FaceTime anyway? Why is this so fucking hard?”

“It was probably before we got married? I don’t know? Definitely before Lilly.” Louis guesses, shrugging.

“I don’t know how to really go about this.” Harry confesses with a sigh. “Ugh and Liam kept bragging in my face all day about his little Skype date with Zayn, going on and on and on about it.” He pauses in consideration, furrowing his eyebrows. “I bet they’re _really_ good at cyber sex. I mean, Liam is gone _all_ the goddamn time, they’ve probably perfected it down to a science. A cyber sex science.”

Louis blinks curiously at him. “Are you fantasizing about another couples’ sex life because…”

“But Louis, I mean? Think about it…” Harry meets Louis’ eyes seriously. “Can you imagine the hot reunion sex they probably have every time Liam comes home? Every. Single. Time. On whatever surface they want, wherever they want, with no interruptions...or worries about getting caught…” Harry looks up and shakes his head in contemplation, sighing wishfully. “God, they must be so well fucked.”

“Liam and Zayn can suck it.” Louis scowls heavily, holding up his middle finger resentfully. “So what they probably have ridiculously hot sex regularly? Who gives a fuck. We have an adorable house full of tiny humans that we love more than anything, so ask yourself which couple is the real winner here?”

“Yeah, fuck ‘em honestly, nobody cares.” Harry agrees, matching Louis’ sentiment wholeheartedly by raising his own middle finger.

“And on top of being selfless parents, I think we can be good at cyber sex too.” Louis decides, sitting up a little straighter “Just tell me something hot. What would you do if I were right there in that hotel room with you, right now? We have each other all to ourselves, with nothing but time. It’s just you and me and…”  

Harry considers this momentarily before continuing Louis’ sentiment. “And…I would start by slowly undressing you from head to toe. I’d spin you around and hold you flat against me, my hands pressing you close while I suck right behind your ear, just like you love and I’d lie you down on the bed and spread you out completely on the mattress, take my time opening you up—focus only on making you feel good.”

Louis lulls his head to the side, a soft trace of a moan escapes his lips. “Yeah...”

“ _Oh_ …” Harry’s ears perk up in surprise at that, like a light bulb going off in his head, giving him a little boast of confidence he needs. “Oh ok!” Harry nods sitting up as he starts to get what Louis means. “So I would make you feel really good, like _sooo_ mind-blowingly good.” 

“Ok, you said that babe, keep going…”

Harry had said all that without thinking or trying, but the second he starts to actively try his brain turns right back to fatigued mush. “Right, ok...uh…so I would start with my um...tongue…” 

Louis’ hand slides slowly down his own body, caressing his chest. “Ok…”

“Mhmm, my wet tongue and I’d trail it all the way down your spine slowly, starting from from the base of your neck, adoring your body...biting and sucking, fast and…hard, then slow…and sweet—just teasing you. I’d mark you all up as mine and only mine and you’d arch your back and moan—just begging me to move faster…but…I won’t.”

“Yeah?” Louis cocks a mildly interested eyebrow.

“Yes and then uh...fingers...yeah—my long, large fingers to work on opening you up.”

“How many fingers?”

Harry tries his best not to yawn again, trying to concentrate. “Uhh…one finger…two fingers, three fingers, four…”

Louis creaks an eye open at Harry. “Ok, Dr. Seuss, moving on.”

Harry attempts to cover his persistent yawn with a smirk, losing focus again. “And so…my tongue and my fingers...um together...but spread out? Like at the same time?”

“Yeah love, what else?”

“And then...uhhh...I would...” Harry thinks to any sexual thing he has ever heard in the entire history of his life, drawing upon any memory to come through his fogged, tired mind. “Pop your cherry!”

“Pop my what?!” Louis eyes fly open wildly, obviously not expecting to hear that as he startles suddenly, sliding off the mattress. “Oh shit, I dropped my phone. Fuck…” Harry hears Louis say before the screen goes totally black.

“Louis?” Harry taps on the keyboard a few times to see if the call is still connected. “Lou, are you ok?”

“Goddammit, it fell under the bed...oof!” Louis’ muffled voice comes through the speakers in clipped snippets before the sound abruptly cuts out as well.

“Wait, did you mute me?” Harry wonders, frowning at the suddenly soundless MacBook.

“Oh, he can't hear me. Did I mute it? Did I mute me?” Harry asks himself, pressing on random keys again. “I have never in my life been this bad at FaceTime. Actually I’ve never been this bad at anything in my whole life. This is just _not_ working.”

When Louis comes back along with the sound after a few minutes of random shuffling, white noise and uncalled for struggling, he is nibbling nervously on his bottom lip and running an awkward hand through his disheveled hair. “Um…Harry, love?”

“Yeah, babe?” Harry mirrors Louis mortified grimace and sheepish expression.  

Louis covers his chest with one arm awkwardly. “Is this...or I don't know…is this working for you? Because I—”

 “No.” Harry interrupts, shaking his head sounding on the verge of either laughing or crying. “Not at all. But it's not you, I promise! You are so sooo sexy, but apparently tired trumps horny and I can't think of dirty talk for shit right now and I didn’t think this through. I'm so sorry, baby.”

“Oh my god, H! Tired only trumps horny when you are _old_!” Louis cries dramatically, pulling his sweatshirt back on in haste. “We are getting old! Like properly old, verging on elderly and senile!”

“We could try again?” Harry proposes weakly, sounding like he really doesn’t have the strength, but would be willing to try anyways for the sake of his partner’s happiness. “I can go grab a coffee or something and we can do this, babe. We can really do it. And I'll do better this time, I swear. I’ll be so much better for you, I approached it all wrong and that’s my fault. I’m sorry, let me do better for you.” He apologizes profusely, face really close to the screen. “We can completely skip dirty talk and I’ll just get right into it and I’ll moan and tease you and I’ll do that thing you love with my nipples. I’ll put on a whole show and I’ll do it all just for you, whatever you want, I’m yours. Let’s just try again.” 

“Try again!? We shouldn't have to try again! We are only in our thirties, Haz! There should be no second tries!” Louis practically screams through the phone screen. “We shouldn't be this embarrassing! I am so ashamed. I can't look at you. I just…no. I can't look at you; I have to go.” 

“You can't look at me?” Harry grins amusedly, tilting his head at the screen.

“I can't look at myself?” Louis looks up at the ceiling, shaking his head in disgust.

“So dramatic.” Harry bites his lip, trying to stifle an escaping laugh. 

“I can't look into the eyes of failure.” 

“Oh please, we are a bit rusty in the art of cyber sex, so what?” Harry tries to shrug off lightly. “We are both extremely tired. It's just unfortunate timing, really. We aren't old.” 

“A bit rusty. A _bit_ rusty?!” Louis scoffs, waving him off and averting his eyes. “Goodbye, Harry.”

“No! Don't leave me, please!” Harry pleads desperately. “Just talk to me and keep me company instead.” 

“ _Talk_ to you? Keep you _company_?! _Instead_!?” Louis’ eyes practically bug out of his head at the simple notion, continuing to emphasize the words he finds especially offensive. “What are we, Harry!? A senior citizen couple in a nursing home!? Do you want to whip out a few bingo cards too?! Reminisce about the good old glory days when we were young whippersnappers in our prime?! Maybe swap pictures of our grandchildren!?”

“Oh my god, Lou!” Harry laughs loudly, clutching at his sides.

“I don't see what is so funny, Harry.” Louis runs his hands aggressively through his hair. “We just buried our sex life officially today. It’s dead. It is fucking _deceased_. This is a time of mourning and great distress.” 

“Please stop.” Harry begs, nearly gasping for breath from laughing so hard.

“I'm sorry love, it's just too heavy. The weight of failure and imminent old age is just dragging me down. I can't do this. I'm no better than...I don't know? My Nan who can barely get FaceTime to open properly.” 

“That’s not true babe, we aren’t that bad.”

“And…oh my god! Now I'm just picturing my Nan attempting to have sex or cyber sex and—” Louis gags repeatedly, expression screwed up tightly. “I have to go, I really _really_ must be going. The moment is ruined. I am utterly disgusted.” 

“The hysterics with you. Good grief.” Harry comments fondly, watching Louis completely spaz out. 

“I am _sickened._ ” Louis stresses, turning up his nose pulling a blanket against his sweatshirt clad chest. He lowers his voice down to a creepy whisper, sounding as though he is choking on nothing but air. “I'm revolted, Harry. And I still smell like fucking baby spew! What kind of life am I leading? A vomit-coated, finger-painted, glitter-streaked, sexless one…” Louis continues gagging and choking in disgust.

“Well, don't gag yourself to death please. I like to know that you are alive and breathing.” 

“Oh god, I think...” Louis puts a hand to his chest, face scrunched up as he swallows heavily. “I think…yeah...I just threw up a little in my mouth again.”

“Eww, Louis! Stop this!” Harry wrinkles his nose, chuckling softly. “I feel suddenly _sooo_ relieved that I don’t have to kiss you goodnight.”

“Ugh the shame is _so_ unbearable! It all started when you didn't even recognize my ass! My ass?! Come on, it’s unforgettable! Or it was, in my fucking _prime_! We were doomed before we even got started! Fuck my entire life.” Louis huffs out a defeated breath flinging his head down on the pillow. He looks so adorable and compact and Harry always finds him impossibly cute when he's angry or embarrassed. “The teenage version of me is rolling around in his grave right now in a hot sweat of embarrassment.”

“Is it possible that you get more and more dramatic with age?” Harry wonders curiously.

“Don’t throw my age at me, Harold. Can’t you see I’m obviously upset?”

“You aren't old, baby.” Harry tries sweetly.

“Not particularly young either.” Louis grumbles, shoving his hand aggressively through his disheveled bed hair. “So much for ranking our sexcapades. They can't be ranked if they all score a whooping zero. I bet if you compared our sex life to Zayn and Liam’s there wouldn’t be a scale to measure it on because ours is so minuscule it wouldn’t even register on the damn chart.” 

Harry smiles fondly tilting his head at the screen, observing his husband’s irritable hissy fit. “You look very small in our bed all by yourself.”

“Oh nice one. Go on and insult me now, thanks. Hit me while I’m down.” Louis nods his head sardonically, voice flat. “Just keep it coming. I really feel the love tonight.”

“No Lou, it's cute!” Harry defends, dimpled smile growing across this face. “You're very cute.”

Louis rolls his eyes, pursing his lips at the camera in annoyance, but Harry can tell he’s not really all that bothered about being called cute. And he really is only being this dramatic because of how tired he is. And probably the sex thing.

Definitely the sex thing.

“Anyway, in other news…” Louis starts, attempting to move on with the evening. “I’ve been kinda sleeping on your side of our bed because it smells like you.” He admits softly through a gentle gaze. “And I really miss you.” 

“You just get cuter and cuter.” Harry gushes, tone of voice starting to verge on baby talk. “That's so adorable, Lou. I could just eat you up.”

Louis just stares flatly though the camera as Harry coos ridiculously at him. “We did not just go from dirty talk to baby talk. This is an all time low.”

“Aww babe!” Harry beams with bright eyes. “Are you wearing my sweats too?” 

“Ok goodbye, Harold.” Louis huffs defiantly, waving stiffly at the screen.

“Keep our bed warm for me, hubbybubby.” Harry blows kisses, still fussing over Louis in an overly cheery, degrading tone. “With your tiny little body swimming in my sweats. You're so so precious. Yes, yes you are.”

Louis flips him off, expression depicting his rapidly growing irritation and annoyance. 

“I love you, little Lou.” Harry continues in his high baby talk voice, making the same stupid faces that he usually directs at their children. 

Louis swiftly hangs up, having had more than enough of Harry’s antics for one night, leaving Harry clutching at his sides with uncontrollable laughter for the next two minutes straight. And truthfully, Harry really can’t even say that he is all that sorry about it. The whole experience was absolutely worth the laugh.

 

||||

 

Louis is just about to fall asleep, having finally showered and detoxed himself, mind finally pushing aside the massive failures of the evening, when he hears his bedroom door creak open slowly.

“Papa?” Lilly’s timid voice whispers, peaking into the stillness of the room.

“More monsters, love?” Louis questions, turning under the sheets to face his daughter as she creeps into the room.

Lilly shakes her head, bed hair tumbling over her face. “No…not really…I don’t think…”

“Then what is it, Lillypad?” Louis asks, sitting up in the bed, sheets pooling at his hips.

“I just…I can’t sleep.” Lilly admits, clutching her favorite plush monkey to her chest. “I tried and tried, but…nothing.”

“Ahhh, the old ‘can’t sleep routine’.” Louis nods in understanding. “I know it well. And now you are going to ask me for a bedtime story to pass the time.”

“Well…yes.” Lilly admits, trudging over to the side of the bed. “I actually do need a story.”

“Another story? Oh, I _knew_ it!” Louis gasps exaggeratedly, grinning at her knowingly.  

“Yes, I need it, Papa!” Lilly urges, grabbing on to Louis’ free hand desperately.

“But you fell asleep before I even finished the one last night!” Louis reminds.

“I heard all the important parts and no offense Papa, but I kind of know how it ends...you married Daddy.” Lilly says, playing with Louis’ wedding band on his finger.

“Well, obviously.” Louis smiles, wiggling his ring finger.

“So I need a new story!”

“Hmmm…” Louis pulls back the covers and pats the mattress invitingly. “Well, climb on in then, love.”

Lilly beams excitedly, crawling into bed next to her father. “Can you braid my hair too? It keeps falling in my face and I can’t see again.”

“That I can definitely do.” Louis agrees, pulling his daughter into his lap to start sectioning her hair. “Alright babes, what do you want to hear about tonight?”

“About me!”

“You!?” Louis teases, leaning down to blow loud kisses against her cheek.

“Yes, me!” Lilly giggles, tilting her head back to look at Louis upside down. “I'm done hearing about you and Daddy's story. I want to know _my_ story from the very very very beginning.”

“Mmm…well…maybe not the _very_ beginning, sweets.” Louis says, nudging her head back upright into place. 

“Yes!” Lilly insists, trying to hold her head still while Louis braids.

“Ehhh…” Louis thinks back to the night he and Harry decided to have their first child, silently remembering how it’s not the most kid-appropriate bedtime story...

 

~

 

“Daaadddyyy!” Louis calls boisterously across the wide spans of the club, a touch of flamboyancy in his voice as he throws his head back. He earns several curious looks from his friends seated at the table next him. “Daaaddy!”

From the bar at the opposite end of the venue, Harry’s head perks up instantaneously as he turns around with a fresh drink in his hand. He drops his jaw with an expression of playful shock, looking around the club exaggeratedly in question.

“Daaaaddy!” Louis shouts clamorously again, flinging his arms up in the air.  

 Harry makes eye contact with Louis and points to himself while dramatically mouthing ‘me’ as if somehow utterly scandalized by this interaction, mouth still hanging open.

Louis nods slowly, beckoning Harry over to him with a seductive wiggle of his finger. Harry doesn’t break eye contact with Louis as he crosses the length of dance floor separating them, strutting up to their table.

“Wheeere have you beeennn? I missed youuu.” Louis whines drunkenly, with horribly slurred speech. He’s obviously had _quite_ a few drinks.

“Oh, I’ve just been looking for you, of course. Because I can’t possibly go even ten long seconds without you by my side.” Harry jokes melodramatically, dropping his head down to press a quick kiss to Louis’ lips. He really only had been gone a few minutes, refilling Louis’ drink as per his request. “Here, I brought you your drink.”

Louis tips his head back and downs the wildly colorful and ostentatious drink easily in one hasty go, carelessly depositing the empty glass on the table before slinging his arms brazenly around Harry’s neck. “Hold meee.”

Louis basically dumps his full weight into Harry, pushing him down into the booth and settling on top of him, bodies pressed together.

“Let’s daaance.” Louis mumbles slowly into Harry’s shoulder, mouthing against him. Louis stands up unexpectedly, unable to sit still, and tugs on Harry’s hand urging him to follow him out onto the buzzing dance floor at the lively nightclub.

“Just a fair warning and friendly reminder that whatever you decide to do, I will remember in vivid detail because I am the one hundred percent sober designated driver.” Harry reminds sagely, going for sensible.

“I waaanna give you a lap daaance.” Louis slurs, not giving a damn. He pulls harder at Harry’s hand, or what he thinks is harder. In actuality his inebriated state has rendered his determined efforts ineffectual.

“But Lou, wouldn’t I need to be sitting for you to give me a _lap_ dance?” Harry questions, giving into Louis as he stands up from their table shared by Liam, Zayn, Niall and Carly, all of whom are watching them amusedly.

“Shuuut up, I’ll do what I waaant.” Louis answers drunkenly, a sultry blissful smile playing at his lips. “And you will take aaall my lap dances, standing or sitting or laying on the fuuucking floor. I don’t care.”

Harry let’s out a surprised laugh at that as he blindly follows Louis out to the floor. “You can do whatever you want, I’m yours baby, I’m yours.”

“Good.” Louis says, turning around and pressing his body firmly against Harry once they reach the center of the floor. “Because I looove this song.”

The deliberate, purposefully rhythmic beats of Trey Songz’ [_Panty Droppa_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4L06UC7nieo&spfreload=10) begin to echo throughout the club, the already dim houselights fading even lower, replaced by slow strobing mood lights.

_“Can I sing my song?”_

“Oh, by all means.” Harry obliges with a smirk.

Louis doesn’t actually do much singing it turns out, perfectly satisfied drunkenly dancing against Harry, grinding his whole body in determined motions as the music plays, hands unabashedly exploring the dips and curves of Harry’s figure. Until suddenly, Louis spins around unexpectedly, giving Harry a look.

“ _I wanna make love to yooou_!” Louis belts out passionately in time to Trey’s voice at full volume, eyes closed and head tossed wildly back.

Harry's whole face breaks with laughter, totally not expecting that out of his spouse. But anything goes with a happy drunk Louis. “Oh my _god_.”

“Shhh!” Louis places a single finger over Harry’s mouth, leaning up to kiss the corner of his lips. “Let me serenade my husband.” 

Harry smiles against Louis’ finger, hands falling to rest on his waist. “The alcohol is ever so strong in you tonight.” 

“ _This is my panty droppin’ love song, nothing but your heels on, loving yooou!”_ Louis croons, hips bopping and sliding against Harry in time to the rhythm.

“But…I don't have heels on.” Harry points out with a smirk, hands tight on Louis’ swaying hips.

“Biiitch, don’t kill my vibe!” Louis slurs, as he points down to Harry’s booted feet. “Those heeled skyscraper boots definitely qualify.”

“Fair.” Harry nods his head to the side, biting his lip amusedly.

Louis presses his body flat against Harry and sinks down slightly to run a teasing finger up the entire length of Harry's inner thigh all the way up to his crotch, causing Harry to shiver. “ _Legs like a model, coke is the bottle. Hour glass shawty, give you more head than he got body.”_ Louis hands seem to be everywhere at once as he salaciously sings the lyrics, groping obscenely. “ _And we gonna get it in just like we should, put in the hole like Tiger Woods_.”

“Well, aren’t you such a fun drunk?” Harry teases rhetorically, eyes never leaving Louis.

“When have I ever not been a fun drunk?” Louis challenges, sounding almost offended.

“You got me there.” Harry concedes with an agreeable tilt of his head.

 _“When you’re not around, you’re still on my mind. And I hope this ain't surprising, but I’ve been fantasizing. This ain’t no joke, let me clear my throat...”_ Louis dramatically clears throat before throwing his arms around Harry, jumping up to wrap his legs around his waist. He tosses his head all the way back, closing his eyes and erotically moaning as loud as possible without an ounce of shame. “ _I wanna make looove to yooou_!” 

“Fuck, Louis...”

“ _I wanna make love.”_ Louis groans open-mouthed against the underside of Harry’s jaw. He may be drunk, but he does know what he’s doing and the overwhelming effect he has over his husband.

Harry whimpers feebly, pupils dilating as Louis sets his body alight, every inch of his skin practically on fire. The melody of the song breaks down to a series of pulsing rhythmic beats and Louis, being the tease he is, rolls his hips in time to every single one, legs still encircled tightly to Harry’s waist.

“ _Make…make…make…love…”_ Louis moans again, shifting himself up a little to nibble on the lobe of Harry’s ear, hips still rocking steadily against Harry’s rapidly growing crotch. _“I wanna make loveeee.”_

Harry’s eyes flutter closed, getting absolutely lost in the sensation, both palms falling to Louis’ ass, pressing him closer still as his own slight hip thrusts meet Louis’.

 _“This right here’s a panty droppa...”_ Louis lifts his head, gazing at Harry with half lidded eyes as he tangles his fingers through the hair at the back of Harry’s neck. “ _This right here's a baby maker and we'll be making babies tonight.”_ Louis serenades softly with such devout conviction, as if he could literally impregnate Harry on the spot.

“Lou, you know that you can't actually put a baby in me right?” Harry reminds with a teasing smirk. “You do know that neither of us possesses a womb?”

“Haaave my babies, Haaarold.” Louis begs regardless, pouting as he nuzzles his face against Harry’s neck, fingers still weaving through his curls. “Pleaseee!” 

“If I could physically carry your babies, I would.” Harry laughs, hands running up and down Louis’ back.

“Harrehhh.” Louis whines desperately, squeezing his legs tighter around Harry’s waist and cupping his face in his hands. “Let me have your babies! I waaant them. I waaant all of them! All of your cuuurly little baaabies.”

“Um, ok it’s the same concept, but if I could physically put my babies in you, I would.” Harry promises genuinely, hopelessly amused and charmed by drunk Louis.

Louis pauses a moment as he gazes at Harry seriously, pulling his bottom lip between his teeth as he seems to deliberate his next words. “Baby…let’s have a baby…”

“What? Wait?” Harry sets Louis back on the ground, gazing at him intently. “Are you serious?” 

Louis nods his head slowly, still tugging at his lip anxiously. “Yes, I'm serious. I want a baby. We're stable, we’re married, we’re happy. We're ready, H. Let's start a family.”

“This isn't the alcohol talking?”

“No!” Louis assures with a smile, tracing the sides of Harry’s jaw tenderly. “Well…probably a liiittle, if I'm completely honest. I mean, I'm properly shitfaced and all…but I'm so serious, Harry. I want to start a family with you and raise babies with you and I want to start now.”

“Yeah?” Harry leans in close, lips ghosting over Louis’.

“Yeah.” Louis nods again softly.

Slowly Harry’s smile stretches widely across his whole face, eyes bright as he attempts to contain his excitement by biting on his lower lip. “We’re having a baby...”

“We're having a baby!” Louis exclaims, not holding back his enthusiasm as he jumps back into Harry’s arms, legs crossed behind Harry’s back. He cups his hands along the sides of Harry’s face and kisses him open-mouthed several times. “Do you know what my favorite part of all this will be?”

Harry grins up at Louis, palms splayed across his lower back. “Um…I’m going to go with something along the lines of the wondrous joys of having a new baby and being a parent?”

“Nooo.” Louis shakes his head drunkenly. “Well—yes. Of course, duuuh, obviously. But that wasn’t exactly what I was thinking of.”

“Oh?”

“I was thinking that I’ll be able to call you Daddy all the time and it’ll be accurate.” Louis grins naughtily, dramatically wagging his brows.

“You already call me that every time you get drunk. It never fails.”

“Yeaaah but…it’s about to be an unbearable amount of it. All the time. Everyday. Sober. Drunk. It doesn’t even maaatter.”

“Is that right?” Harry tests, single eyebrow raised.

“Oh yeees. Watch this.” Louis nods, smile growing wide across his face. “What’s your name?”

Harry pauses, narrowing his eyes. “Erm…Harry?”

“Mmm, no…” Louis smirks knowingly. “Try again.”

Harry shakes his head fondly, already giggling. “Um…uh…Daddy?”

“ _Yes!_ ” Louis practically screams in such a provocative way that it should probably be illegal. “Daddy! Daddy, Daadddyyyy!”

Harry’s mouth falls open as he licks at his lips. “Oh my god, stop…”

“Daddy, daddy, _ooh_ _Daaaddy_!” Louis chants in drunken moans, hoisting himself up and down against Harry’s body, eyes closed and head thrown back.

“Ok. Enough.” Harry clamps a hand over Louis’ mouth, feeling like he might physically combust if he hears his spouse moan one more time. “We have got to get the fuck out of here, I can’t take this anymore.” He adjusts himself in his trousers, palming lightly at his groin. “Let’s go tell everyone so we can fucking leave.”

“Ok, Daddy.” Louis grabs his spouse by the belt loops of his tight jeans, unabashedly sinking his teeth into Harry’s lower lip causing a slur of filthy moans to come out of Harry’s mouth. Louis drags them backwards, hip to hip, towards their party, only separating once they get close to the table.

“We're pregnant!” Louis drunkenly announces ceremoniously the second they get back to the booth, Zayn and Liam eyeing him peculiarly. He walks around the table a drapes himself over the back of Zayn’s chair, lean his full weight into him. “Pssst! Zayn! Guess what!? We’re pregnant!”

Zayn sits motionless, simply blinking as Louis assaults his ears unwaveringly.

“I put a baby in my baby.” Louis continues with his eyes closed, slurring his words so much that he is practically singing against Zayn’s cheek.

“…I'm sorry? What?” Liam speaks up, sounding increasingly disturbed as he eyes Louis.

“My baby put a baby in me.” Louis giggles incessantly, falling all over Zayn.

“Wait? But…what?” Liam questions, actually trying to actually make sense of plastered Louis’ half thought out announcements.

“Honestly, what the fuck.” Zayn blurts all of a sudden, not as patient as Liam. He raises a hand to Harry with Louis still lounging over his shoulder giggling to himself. “Bro, just how wasted is your husband?”

Harry shrugs halfheartedly as he laughs fondly, offering no solid answer on the matter. Niall strolls up behind him, hand in hand with his girlfriend, Carly.

“Niall!” Louis greets happily, standing up straight again on his tippy toes with open arms. “Harry is pregnant!” 

Niall, just as drunk as Louis if not more, smiles widely at Louis, embracing him straight on. “That's amaaazing Lou! Who is the father?”

“Me?” Louis squints his eyes pointedly at Harry. “Or it better be me or I'll kill him.”

“I'm 89.3% sure it’s yours.” Harry informs, patting his tummy in joking circles.

“89.3?! What about the other um—fuck maths, I'm drunk—like…eleven percent?” 

“Umm…well, remember that one night we went to Bailey’s and the bartender thought I was cute and so he—”

Louis punches Harry square in the groin before he can finish his fake story, by no means amused or having any of it.

“Oof!” Harry wheezes, clutching his crotch as he keels over. “Joking baby, totally joking.”

“Not funny.”  

“My hypothetical womb could only ever incubate your babies. I wouldn't want any other man’s babies in me.”

“Can anyone tell me what the hell is going on?” Liam asks completely disturbed and confused.

“Louis and I have decided that we are going to have a baby.” Harry announces happily for those who don’t happen to fluently speak drunk Louis. Already seated at the table, he pulls Louis down and onto his lap, resting his chin on Louis’ shoulder.

“What? Seriously!” Liam’s whole face practically splits with excitement. “That’s incredible!”

“I feel like you should have led with that.” Zayn responds flatly, before a slow infectious grin spreads across his face. “But…I’m so happy for you guys. You know, I was really wondering when you both would decide to do that.”

“So how is this going down, are you adopting? Getting a surrogate?”

“Erm…well—I don't know, really? Um—like…adopt or surrogate? Right? We don't know?” Harry lifts his head with uncertainty, looking to Louis questioningly. “Do we… _know_?”

“I don't _know_?” Louis twists back and searches Harry’s eyes, leaning in to him again. “What do you want, love? We can do whatever you want.”

“I…I don’t know, baby. I just want it with you.” Harry mumbles privately, staring hard into his husband’s eyes, arms still wrapped around his middle. 

Louis rotates his body around fully and runs a hand through Harry’s hair, playing with a stray curl, gently wrapping it around his finger. “I only want what you want.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, always H, I love you.” Louis says softly, closing the small distance between them and pressing a fervent kiss to Harry’s lips. A kiss that gradually becomes more and more heated and increasingly desperate the longer it lasts.

“I love you.” Harry pours into Louis’ mouth devoutly. “God, I love you so fucking much.”

“I love you, I love you.” Louis promises urgently against Harry’s lips. They go back and forth professing their love for each other, soppily making out, desperately holding and touching each other in a downright disgusting display of affection.

“Ok, enough we get it!” Niall complains at the love fest happening in front of him, the alcohol in his system making him a bit finicky. “Enough! You're in love and having a baby. Fantastic. Now, _stop_.”

“Sorry…” Harry reluctantly separates himself from Louis leaving his spouse in a complete daze, mussed hair sticking up wildly atop his head, eyes unfocused and glazed over. “So, um…yeah…we have to talk about that more seriously, uh…later. But we are going to do it, that much is decided.”

“Mmmm.” Louis hums mindlessly, licking his lips, blatantly ogling Harry’s jaw as he talks like he’s ready to jump him any second.

“Aww, you’re going to be dads!” Carly gushes gleefully, clapping her hands. “How beautiful.”

“Congratulations again boys, I couldn’t be happier for you!” Liam enthuses alongside Carly.

Zayn nods in agreement. “That is absolutely amazing.” 

“Yeah…it really is…” Feeling Louis’ eyes on him, Harry drifts off with his lips parted, staring dreamily at Louis, getting lost in his fiery eyes again. 

Everything just feels so charged and sensitive between them, like open nerve endings reacting to the slightest stimulation. It hasn’t been this bad since they first got married, constantly jumping at any chance to touch, to feel, to adore, to love.

Louis feels surges of profound love, uncontainable desire and intense adoration for his husband all at once. And from the dark look in Harry’s eyes he feels the the exact same.

“ _Harry_ …” Louis breathes out heavily, utter need mixed with lustful desperation clouding his voice. He holds Harry’s face in his hands and slides easily back onto his lap, knees on either sides of his hips.

Harry tilts his head up to meet Louis’ lips, whispering his name back with the same reverence. Louis presses his hips forward even more, putting his full weight into the dragged out kiss as Harry grips his thighs tightly. Their heads turn and tilt, slotting together repeatedly in sloppy, unnecessarily loud caresses.

“God, not this again. Get a fucking room!” Niall huffs again irritably, downing the rest of his drink. “This takes me back to when they were newlyweds. Fuck, I almost doused my eyes in bleach just to have some goddamn peace.”

Louis lift his middle finger, flipping Niall off without even bothering to look at him, still passionately sucking face with his husband.

“I fucking hate married couples.”

“Hey, we’re a married couple too.” Liam interjects, completely offended at being left out.

“And you’re no better.” Niall grumbles.

“Oh stop Ni, we could easily be that couple.” Carly reminds, sliding her hands around her boyfriend.

“You _are_ that couple.” Zayn corrects pointedly. “You two are just as nasty, let’s not start shit you can’t finish.”

Niall snaps his mouth shut at that, not able to deny the fact that he and Carly have definitely had their fair share of PDA.

“Ready to get out of here?” Louis nips seductively at Harry’s earlobes, trailing down his jawline.

“Yes—but home is so far.” Harry groans, fingers spread over Louis’ ass, pulling him closer.

“Mmmm.” Louis moans into Harry’s neck, eyes closed as his hands freely roam his husband’s body, sliding under his thin shirt.

“I want you _now_.” Harry stresses, explicitly moaning as he bites and sucks on the exposed portion of Louis’ shoulder.

Louis just nods repeatedly, hips rocking against Harry’s in little timed circles. “Yes. Fuck. Now. Now is good.”

“Wait, we drove here…” Harry breaks away suddenly.

“Yeah? Ok? Whatever, what's your point?” Louis continues grinding desperately over Harry’s crotch, frantic voice sounding like he is two seconds away from taking Harry apart right here in public. The dormant exhibitionist residing inside him, ready to leap at the opportunity if necessary.

Harry leans back, meeting Louis’ eyes. “I'm sober because we drove here…”

“Harry? What?” Louis mumbles in mild uninterested irritation, only seeking to reconnect Harry’s mouth to his. “How is this relevant?”

“We have a car!”

 Realization hits Louis’ face in gratifying waves as his intoxicated brain finally catches up. “ _Ooohhh_.” He sighs excitedly, eyes sparkling with arousal. “Car sex?”

“Car sex.” Harry confirms, leaning in to pull Louis’ bottom lip through his own teeth. 

Louis hops up off Harry’s lap immediately, making record time and demonstrating astounding coordination for someone severely inebriated. He tugs urgently on Harry’s hand, Harry going easily.

“Bye party people!” Louis throws up a halfhearted peace sign with his free hand towards their friend group. “We’ve really got to go. _Now_. Toodaloo!”

“But you're our ride home…” Zayn reminds.

“Call a cab. An uber. A bus. Walk. Bike. Hitchhike. Fly.” Harry suggests offhandedly, following eagerly behind his spouse. “I don't give a fuck what you do, but our car is now occupied. Goodnight.” 

“Fucking assholes, both of them.”  Niall growls.

“Well, they just decided to have a baby.” Carly smiles. “Let them celebrate and be happy.” 

 

~

 

“You know what—there really isn't much of a story.” Louis decides abruptly, remembering fully the level of inappropriateness he and Harry displayed that night.

“What?” Lilly frowns, tone disappointed.

“Yeah, no...” Louis shakes his head profusely, unwaveringly refusing to tell that story, parts of it are definitely missing from his memory anyways, probably for good reason. “Um, your daddy and I just wanted you soooo much that we went through so many steps and did everything in our power to have you and now here you are! Amazing!” 

“You wanted me, _me_?” Lilly stresses pointing to herself specifically. “Or any ole baby to just appear?”

“No, silly girl.” Louis laughs, bopping the tip of her nose lightly. “We wanted you, _you_.” 

“But…how did you know you would get me, _me_? You could have had any baby and loved her or him just as much and never known any better!” Lilly insists adamantly, unconvinced. “They would be the new me! Or the original me, really.” 

“Life wouldn't be the same without you, Lils.” Louis grins, still working on perfecting her braid.

“Well, I really can't know that for sure if there is no story, Papa.” Lilly spins around in her father’s lap, raising her eyebrows. She tilts her head defiantly, cutting her eyes just like Louis is infamous for.

Louis matches her expression easily, mirror images of each other. “You're a very curious child, even a bit manipulative, you know that?”

“Yes I do.” Lilly nods, evidently proud of her mischievous traits. “Daddy says I get it from you.”

“That's probably true. Hopefully you aren't as…erm—wild, as I was.”

“I want to be just like you!”

“Just like me?”

“Mhmm.” She nods, twisting around on his lap to face him. “And I'm already off to a good start.” 

Louis decides to entertain her, raising an inquisitive eyebrow. “Is that so?”

“Yes! Look, we have the same hair!” Lilly lifts her newly braided hair and lays it over his fringe, admiring the similar caramel brown coloring.

“Wow, look at that we do!” Louis pretends to be shocked by this news, gasping theatrically. “Yours is longer and prettier than mine though.”

“And! We have the same eyes!” She presses her forehead against Louis’, opening her blue eyes as wide as humanly possible and staring into Louis’ equally blue eyes.

“Yep!” Louis laughs, wiggling his eyebrows against her forehead goofily.

“And! I can make tea like you now. I'm well on my way to being the new you!”

“Well, you can't _be_ me!”

She frowns, pouting her tiny lips in confused disappointment. “Why not?”

“Because I’m me, silly girl. You have to be you!” Louis tugs at her braid playfully. “Because you are beautiful and extraordinary and you have loads and loads of lovely traits that I don't, which makes you super special. And although there is a lot of me in you, you are your very own wonderfully unique person, and I wouldn't have it any other way.”

“Ok, I guess I’ll be me then.” Lilly beams contently. “But Papa, will you _please_ tell me about me and my story?”

“I’ll tell you what. Tomorrow night if you can’t sleep again, I’ll tell you all about the day you were born.”

“The whole story?” Lilly narrows her eyes at him in challenge. “From start to finish.”

“The entire story.” Louis promises.

“Ok, deal but…in the meantime can I sleep in here with you tonight?”

“Hmm…oh, I dunnooo.” Louis drags out with a smile, loving to tease his daughter.

“Pleaaasseeee, Papa.” Lilly pouts sweetly, wrapping her arms and legs around his torso like the little monkey she is. “Pretty, pretty pleaseeee!”

“Well…I am kinda lonely in this huge bed all by myself...” Louis admits slowly, nodding his head.

“Exactly, you _need_ me!” She emphasizes, squeezing him tighter, burying her head against him.

“Yes, I do need you.” Louis agrees softly, hugging his daughter to his chest. “I’ll always need you.”


	3. Day Three

** Day 3 **

 

“So did you check in?” Melissa plops herself down on the small couch right next to Harry, completely disturbing his otherwise peaceful coffee break in the lobby, staring at him expectantly.

“I’m sorry?” Harry peaks an eye over the top of his book, discernibly not the slightest bit thrilled by her presence.

“With your family? Last night?” Melissa clarifies, with a smile. “You said you had to check in with them when I asked about your plans.”

“Oh right. Yes. Yeah. Great. They are all…great.” Harry finds himself biting back a fond laugh thinking about Louis and their embarrassing, failed attempt at having sex over FaceTime. There is no doubt that he’ll be laughing about that for years to come.

Melissa watches him oddly. “What’s so funny?”

“Oh…umm nothing, really. Just something…um…my kids said.” Harry lies easily, taking a sip of his coffee. Their sex life is definitely not any of her business and Louis would murder him in cold blood if he ever spoke a word of it in broad day light.

“Oh, what was it?”

“Ehh…you know kids…” Harry shrugs, leaving his answer purposely open ended.

Melissa frowns, not finding the sentiment relatable by any means. “No, not really. But ok.”

“Well…” Harry gives her a fake tightlipped smile, averting his eyes back to his book and crossing his legs in the opposite direction as her. All of this is clearly a social sign that this conversation is over and that he’d like to return to his dwindling coffee break. Sadly, his boss doesn’t seem to pick up on obvious conversational cues, still invasively staring at him.

“You know? We don't talk anymore.” Melissa starts up again, sliding closer to Harry on the already small couch and leaning into him.

“Uh anymore?” Harry lifts his head slowly in irritation, scowling as he drags his eyes away from the printed words of his book. “We never talk—”

“We should talk more, Styles.” Melissa suggests, interrupting him as she brushes his shoulder lightly. “Really, we’ve been working together for years now. I think we should be closer.”

“Closer? I think we are close enough as it is.” Harry scoots away from her on the couch, the side of his body practically becoming one with the arm of the compact sofa. “But you know what we did talk about before?”

“Was it—”

“No. We talked about how we would be strictly professional regarding any and all conversation topics between us.” Harry answers for her sharply, not even bothering to wait for her to finish talking. “That’s what we talked about and that’s all I wish to talk about with you. Ever.”

“Harry, don’t be silly.” Melissa laughs, passing his words off as a hilarious joke. “I consider us friends.”

Harry blinks dumbly at her, looking puzzled. “I can’t imagine why.”

Melissa once again, tries to close the already minimal space distancing them on the loveseat. “Well, we have a lot of history and—”

“Ok, what is it that you want from me?” Harry snaps exasperatedly, slamming his book closed suddenly in his lap and glaring at her.

“What ever do you mean?” She wonders innocently, touching a hand to her chest.

“Where is all of this coming from? You have been on me since we got here, at an even more obnoxious level than usual so...what do you want?” 

“Harry, I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Melissa feigns stupidity, but Harry knows she is anything but stupid.

“You don’t still…I mean…you can’t possibly still have a thing for me…” Harry utters tentatively, expression quickly sickening as his face pales. “…Right?”

“Oh Styles, calm down.” Melissa waves him off carelessly. “I know you are happily married. You rub it in my face every chance you get.” 

“Good, because I am.” Harry reiterates, twisting the wedding band decorating his ring finger. “ _Very_ happily married. Louis and I—”

“Yeah, yeah, you love your husband. I get it. _God_.” Melissa scoffs, rolling her eyes.

“Ok…so?” Harry goes right back to frowning at her, still confused about his boss’s true motives.

Melissa bites at her bottom lip awkwardly, as if fighting with herself about possibly admitting the truth. “Did you know that my parents live in New York?” She asks randomly.

“Ok?”

“Yeah…I grew up here actually.” Melissa explains slowly. “I haven't seen my parents in 12 years. Not since I ran off to London—”

 “I’m sorry, what does this have to do with me?” Harry interjects exasperatedly, gripping the book in his lap tightly. He definitely didn’t ask for Story Hour, all he wanted at the start of his coffee break was to finish a chapter of his book. That’s it. Such a simple request that’s now shot to shit. He really wasn’t asking for much.

Melissa pauses before answering, still apparently debating herself internally. “Well…they want to have lunch—” 

“Ok no, wait. Stop right there.” He holds up a hand, brow furrowed together. “This isn't one of those things were you try to use me in an attempt to win your parents approval or anything like that?”

Melissa raises an eyebrow in hope, giving her best, most encouraging smile.

“No.” Harry answers abruptly, standing up with his book and coffee in hand, turning on his heel to swiftly walk away. 

Melissa quickly jumps to follow behind him. “Harry! I—”

“No.” Harry continues walking, not even bothering to look over his shoulder

“Wait, but—”

“No.”

“You haven’t even—”

“No.”

“Just hear me out, please!”

Harry spins around to face her abruptly. “I said no. And by no, I meant fuck no. With complete and utter offense.”

Melissa rolls her eyes, unfazed by his adamancy. “Look, I ran off to England with a guy I barely knew named Brad when I was really young. I thought he was the love of my life and I was looking for an escape from my controlling parents. So I told them off and said I didn’t need them anymore because I was in love and getting married. They never approved, but I never looked back. So that’s what they think I did, even though in actuality, Brad dumped me not long after I followed him to London. I was just determined not to give my parents the satisfaction, so I worked my ass off to support myself.”

“I didn’t know that happened to you and I’m sorry it did—really I am, but—I mean you’re incredibly successful now. That’s got to be worth something. Your parents will understand.”  

“No, they won’t! You don’t get it because you probably have amazing and supportive parents. But mine take every opportunity to tear me down. It’s just how they are.” Melissa explains, trying to sound more detached from the situation than she probably is. “They won’t get it and they won’t try to. They only acknowledge my failures. They’ll just rub it in my face about how they were right about him and how I should have listened to them and whatever else and I don’t want to deal with that.”

“People get divorced all the time for a wide range of reasons, they can’t just assume your whole life is a failure. Just explain to them what happened! That you got a divorce or it didn’t work out or something! I don’t know!” 

“I can’t! I’ve kept up this charade for over twenty years. They already don’t approve of me and a divorce on top of it would be absolutely disastrous!”

“But you don’t need their approval, you’re a grown woman! You’ve got to learn to deal with your problems!”

Melissa sighs reluctantly. “I hate admitting this, but…my parents are probably the only people on this earth that truly intimidate me, and it’s like I’m never good enough to them. When I told them I’d be in town, I was just going to go by myself, but then I don’t know—they were bombarding me over the phone and _god—_ they are sooo overbearing! I ended up blurting out that ‘Brad’ was out here with me and ugh, they ran with it before I could fix what I said. And…I just…I don’t know, I want them to see I’m better off without them and I’ve made it despite them. I just need to prove I’m doing fine and I need your help to pull it off.”

“Well, why can't Liam do it? Oh! Or President Richards! He’s a great guy.” Harry enthuses adamantly. “A real catch, that guy.”

“I can't be fake married to my boss.” Melissa laughs as if it’s such a ludicrous statement.

“Oh, but I can?” Harry marvels ironically, incredulity written all over his vexed face.

“Well, yeah.” She shrugs easily, not thinking twice about it. 

“Ain't that some shit.” Harry mumbles to himself, huffing before throwing his hands up and walking away again. “No. No. Nooooo. No!”

“It's just lunch, Harry!” Melissa pleads, following after him. “I'm not asking you to marry me for real!” 

“Obviously, because it’s a hard fucking no to that.”

“I’d do it for you.”

“First of all, you are the very last person I would ask to do that for me. If I’m being completely transparent, you wouldn’t even make the list.” Harry declares matter-of-factly. “Second of all, I would _never_ be in this situation.”

“Oh. Is that so?” She contests, eyeing Harry in challenge.

Harry holds his chin high in defiance. “It is actually.”

“So…when you and Louis pretended to be brothers that was…what?” Melissa taunts superfluously. “For fun? A lighthearted couple bonding experience? Or?”

Harry glares at her flatly, deep-set frown etched across his unamused brow.

“That’s what I thought.” She nods superciliously. “Everyone needs a cover up relationship in their lifetime. Come on, Styles.”

“The difference here is that the nature of my relationship with Louis is not comparable to mine with you.”

“Why not?”

“Is it not obvious!?” Harry barely restrains himself from cackling in her face. “Maybe because we don’t have a relationship at all! We aren’t even friends!”

“Don’t be ungrateful.”

“Ungrateful?” He widens his eyes in pure disbelief, taking a step back at the farcicality of her statement. “I’m pretty sure you have to receive something in order to be ungrateful. And your nonexistent friendship to me doesn’t count.”

“Oh please, Harry.” Melissa brushes off, scoffing. “Don’t make me pull rank on you.”

Harry laughs openly at that, unable to control himself any more. “You can’t pull any kind of rank on me, this isn’t work related. If I did this—and that is a _huge_ if—it would be out of the kindness of my own heart.”

“You are especially well known for being a sweetheart around the office.” Melissa points out, obviously changing her tactics and trying to get what she wants through compliments. Weak compliments, but compliments nonetheless.

“Don’t...”

“Everyone always says how lovely you are and caring and thoughtful. You’re such a nice, kind guy with such a big heart.” Melissa schmoozes blatantly. “Come on Styles, be a dear.”

“Stop.” Harry scowls purposefully. “From now on I’m mean and hateful.”

Melissa eyes him frankly. “No, you aren’t.”

“As far as you’re concerned, I am.”

“Harry…please.” Melissa openly pleads in earnest. “I promise I wouldn’t ask unless I really needed it. I don’t do favors and I certainly don’t believe in asking for help but…well…”  

Harry stares at her, narrowing his eyes in consideration. “Two weeks paid vacation, anytime of the year.”

“One week.” Melissa counters.

“Two.” Harry states again, unwilling to budge as he continues to stare her down.

“How about two weeks vacation, but only one paid?” She tries again.

“No. Two _paid_ weeks.” Harry demands. “My husband and I are past due for an anniversary holiday.”

“It’s July.” Melissa replies flatly. “Your wedding anniversary is in January.”

“We have a lot of anniversaries, ok? The anniversary of when we first met, or when we first starting dating, or when we moved in together, or when we got engaged, or—”

“Ok ok ok, whatever! I believe you!” Melissa interrupts impatiently. “So it’s a deal, then?”

“That’s not a yes! I still have to consult my actual spouse.” Harry reminds obviously.

“Oh god.” Melissa groans, throwing her head back exasperatedly. “Not Louis. Don't bring him into this, he hates me!”

“You brought that upon yourself.” Harry shrugs, unbothered.  

“It’s been _years_! And I apologized! And I have hardly done anything since!” 

“That’s a matter of opinion and he's not really the forgive-and-forget type. He's more the shoot-daggers-at-you-behind-his-smiling-sweet-face-as-he-secretly-plans-your-demise type.” 

Melissa sighs heavily. “He will never agree to this and you know it.”

“Well, I'm not helping you unless he does so...we either ask him or I'm completely out.” Harry shrugs again, thanking every star and high deity that he has a husband like Louis, a no shit tolerating, feisty little spitfire. Oh, how Harry loves him. “I don’t keep things from Louis. Ever.”

“I guess I have no other choice then.” Melissa laments despondently.

“Welp, I guess I’ll just give him a ring then.” Harry announces halfheartedly, sliding his phone from his pocket, already picturing exactly how this is about to go down.

Melissa stands right behind him—as in right, _directly,_ behind him, hovering over his shoulder nosily as he pulls up Louis’ contact. She makes no motion to move and seems to find no qualms with their current position.

“Can you… _not_?” Harry glances irritably behind his shoulder at Melissa’s looming presence in sheer annoyance.

“What?” She shrugs at him obliviously.

“You are literally breathing down my back!” Harry complains, aggravated. “Can I please talk to my husband in peace?”

“Ok, ok.” Melissa holds her hands up in surrender, taking a few steps back. “I’ll just stand over there. Completely out of view.”

Harry stares at her as she slowly steps back several paces, continuing to menacingly gaze until she is a reasonable distance away from him. Really, she could be farther but it will just have to do for now. He doesn’t want to do this anyway. Although, he does feel slightly bad for her; damn his caring and kind nature to hell. But even still, he of course knows Melissa is right, Louis will _never_ agree to this. He will thankfully be spared from this bullshit.

“Hey love.” Louis answers the video call after a few rings. He’s got a baby bouncing on his hip and pulling at his hair, which Harry recognizes as Max.

“Hiii babe, how are you?” Harry gushes sweetly, too sweetly more like. “Are you good? You look great—fantastic, even. Practically glowing an—”

Louis frowns at Harry’s overly bubbly and upbeat greeting. “What do you want?”

“What? Nothing! What do you mean? No…I don’t…I mean, I don’t really—”

“You want something, Harry. I haven't spent this much time around you not to know when you want something.” Louis insists knowingly, shifting the baby to his other side. “Cut to it, love.”

Harry tilts his head side to side, considering how he should approach this, biting on his inner cheek. “Uh…well…it’s just um…”

“Da!” Max bursts out suddenly recognizing Harry’s face on the screen.  

“Hi Maxy Max!” Harry beams happily at his son, welcoming any and all distractions. “How is my baby boy?” 

“Harry?” Louis presses in question as the baby in his arms giggles over the silly faces Harry is making at him.

“Oh Maxy, you’re _so_ cute, yes! Yes, you are! I have to be my boss’s husband.” Harry slides smoothly into the conversation, in between the goofy expressions and cooing over Max.

Louis’ eyes widen sharply and he opens his mouth like he is just about to blow. But then, instead of laying it into Harry, he glances down at the baby bouncing on his hip and shuts his mouth. Louis looks back to the camera with a forced tightlipped smile plastered across his face, holding up one finger. “Just…one moment please.”

Harry assumes Louis drops phone onto the table, because the view becomes the ceiling as he disappears from view. After 4 minutes of watching the ceiling fan whirl, Louis comes back into view, lacking a child on his hip.

“Ok, what the fuck!?” Louis blurts instantly, eyes raging in question.

“And there it is…” Harry nods with an appreciative smile, fully expecting this exact response. “Well, it's for a lunch date with her parents, they live in New York and—” 

“Hell the fuck no!” Louis objects instantly, not a moments hesitation. “You’ve been gone for two goddamn days and I singlehandedly hold down the fort in your absence, which is no easy feat, let me tell you. And you have the audacity to come to me, in my lonely hour, with this absolute fuckery! How bloody dare you! I bore your babies, Harry! All four of them! Have you no sense of decency?!”

“Um…well…technically neither one of us actually bore our babies but—”

“Why do you hate me, Harry? What did I do? I've been a supportive husband to you and a good father to our kids and you betray me like this?!” Louis yells, voice growing in volume. “The fact that you would come to me and present this utter bullshit to my fucking face, knowing fully well how much I thoroughly despise that bitch, is completely mindboggling to me! You’ve stabbed me in the back! Again! This is fucking triggering for me! The whole concept of pretending to be this and pretending to be that is a goddamn nightmare brought back to life!”

“God, I love you. Keep going, you're doing so great.” Harry whispers proudly, winking reassuringly.

“I motherfucking can’t believe this! When I married you, I didn’t sign up to play sister wives— wait, what?”

“Scream at me louder so she’ll really get the idea.” Harry encourages.  “You’re brilliant.” 

“You want me to say no!” Louis declares, eyes wide with realization.

“Shhh! Louis, please!” Harry hisses covering the speakers of his phone in hopes that his boss didn’t hear that part. “Not so loud! You'll screw it all up!”

“You ass! You called me, knowing I’d lose my shit over this and she’d overhear it and you'd get out of it scot-free!”

“Well duh, what is the point of keeping you around as my husband if you don't rescue me from time to time?” Harry jokes teasingly, looking over his shoulder. “And keep your damn voice down! She is right around the corner eavesdropping.”

“So…she can hear me?”

“Well, yeah when you’re yelling. Like you just were.”

A slow smile spreads across Louis’ face. “You know what? Actually…it would be funny.” Louis laughs suddenly as if his brain is just now processing all of the many possibilities. “Like really, _really_ funny. Especially since it doesn’t involve me at all.”

“Louis...” Harry tilts his head, slightly alarmed by Louis’ sudden change in attitude.

Louis starts cackling uncontrollably, eye crinkled with pure amusement as he tries covering his mouth behind his hand. “Oh my god, I can just picture it!” 

“Stop. Stop it right now.” Harry warns, all jokes put aside, expression nothing but serious. “I know what you’re thinking, I can see it all over your smug face.”

“Harry Bitcherson.” Louis snickers in a hushed tone, eyes squinted shut. “Imagine the kind of prenup you guys would have! You wouldn’t even be a husband; you would just be her personal bitch.”

“Exactly! It’s an honest to god violation of my human rights.”

Louis just stares into the camera at Harry, a glimmer of mischief in his eye as he bites back another slow growing grin.

“No.” Harry shakes his head frantically, watching the toying wheels turning on his husband’s face. “No, baby please…no don’t do this…”

Louis smiles fully, mischievously wiggling his eyebrows before opening his mouth. “Fine, Harry! WHATEVER!” He yells as loud as humanly possible.

“Louis, stop. Shhh, it’s not funny!” Harry pleads nervously, peaking behind him and noticing Melissa's ears picking up eagerly from a distance.

“If you want to act like being a husband is some kind of rental service, then go ahead!” Louis continues boisterously. “Go play house with your bitchy boss, I don't care!” 

“Lou—”

“Did he just say yes?!” Melissa beams, interrupting Harry and bounding next to him instantly. “Oh my god he did, didn’t he?! I can’t believe it!”

“Neither. Can. I…” Harry answers in a tightlipped growl, glaring at the screen of his iPhone to see Louis smirking happily.

“Well, tell him that your bitchy boss says thank you.” Melissa enthuses cheerfully. Never in his life has Harry ever seen this woman enthuse about anything. And yet, here she is, fucking over the moon and bubbly as hell.  “Oh I have to run, but I’ll meet you in about an hour, ok dear?”

Harry just stares at her in disbelief as she struts away, heels clicking behind her.

“Ok, _dear_.” Louis snorts, mimicking her cheery voice once she’s out of earshot.  “What the fuck. This is _priceless_!”

“Oh, I hate you.” Harry squints his eyes bitterly at Louis.

Louis winks teasingly. “Gotta get my kicks somehow, love.” 

“Is this payback for last night?” Harry wonders apologetically. “I'm sorry our sexcapade flopped and for baby talking you and—”

 “Just remember, Harry…” Louis says haughtily. “If the mean lady touches your no-no square you make sure to call for help like a good little boy, ok?” Louis belittles, as if talking to their three-year-old son. “Keep your private parts private.” 

“Ughhh.” Harry throws his head back and groans pathetically.  

“Now off you go like a good little lad. Play nice. Stay safe.”

“Good-fucking-BYE.”  

Louis snickers eyes crinkled again. “Bye love, call me later, yeah? After your divorce from your devil wife finalizes.” 

Harry rolls his eyes, sighing dejectedly. “Why do these kinds of things always happen to me?”

“Because you get yourself into them.” Louis points out, attempting to settle his laugher. “Sounds like a personal problem to be honest.”

“I’m hanging up now.”

As soon as he ends the call, Harry feels his iPhone buzz, unlocking it to read a new text from Louis.

_no but seriously...if she touches you. shes. dead._

The phone vibrates again to reveal a follow up text comprised solely of militant and aggressive emojis, the most cheerful of the collection is a water gun.

Harry sighs heavily and simply texts back the passive aggressive upside smiley emoji. He envisioned countless ways that his conversation with Louis could have concluded, all in his favor of course. But never in a million years did Harry ever think it would end like this, with Melissa gleefully celebrating Louis’ apparent approval of yet another charade. This is a perfect example of what happens when Louis decides to be petty.

 

**||||||**

 

Louis finishes up his text to Harry then almost immediately dials Niall’s number.

“Hey Lou, what’s up?” Niall answers after the second ring.

“Niall! Oh my god, you won't believe this!” Louis bursts, practically shouting. 

“What? Are you ok? Do you need help? I can be there in 30—”

“No no, I’m fine, kids are fine.” Louis dismisses easily, starting to control his voice. “I just can’t stop laughing!”

“…At?”

“So…get this—Harry is playing Bitcherson’s husband.”

“Lou, stop playing around, ok?” Niall scoffs over the phone, not finding that anywhere near believable. “Why did you actually call me?”

“I'm serious!” Louis laughs wholeheartedly, eyes squinted with amusement.

“What the fuck? Are you shitting me!? Why?”

“No, I shit you not. It’s happening. I don’t know, something about her parents being in New York and she needs a husband? Whatever.”

Niall pauses over the phone. “Wait…are you...ok?”  

“Ok!? Niall, I'm _living_! I’m dying of laughter actually, this is so great…” Louis cackles uncontrollably.

“What? You fucking hate that woman!” Niall reminds in shock. “Are you ill? Do you feel alright? I can come over now and take your temperature?”

“Oh my god, I'm fine, Niall!” Louis brushes off easily.  

“But why are you laughing so hard?” Niall asks, unconvinced. “This is Medusa we are talking about, yes?”

“The one and only.” Louis sneers.

“I’m getting in the car, you obviously aren’t well.”

“You don’t need to come over!” Louis laughs. “I’ll admit originally my first reaction was definitely a solid ‘what the fuck’, but last night Harry made an absolute fool out of me and I have to get him back.”

“What’d he do?”

“I’m not talking about it. It didn’t happen.” Louis shudders at the unpleasant memory of last night. Never again will he accept embarrassment like that. Never. Again.

“But if it didn’t happen then why do you need to get him back?” Niall wonders, probably trying to irritate Louis as usual.

“Niall, just—shhh! Shut up! Shhh!” Louis hushes incessantly into the speaker. “Just trust me, my husband deserves this. He has it coming.”

“But you know you won't even be able to see any of it go down?”

“Oh, it doesn't matter. Just the thought alone does my tired heart good. Knowing karma is truly a bitch who does her job.” Louis snickers to himself.

“Papaaa!” Parker shrieks wildly, bounding towards Louis in a whirlwind blur. “Willy _hates_ me!”

“Papa! He is lying!” Lilly screams, running in right behind her brother. “Whatever he says is a lie!”

Louis watches as they continue to bicker over each other, yelling and shouting irately to get Louis’ full attention. “Uh…Ni, I gotta go…” Louis mumbles into the phone.

“Ok but—text me later, I wanna know what happens!” Niall rushes out before Louis mindlessly ends the call, distracted and preoccupied by all the ruckus.

“Alright, alright!” Louis raises his hands after setting his phone down on the counter. “What is going on with you two, now?”

“Willy be mean to me!” Parker yelps, pointing an accusatory finger at his older sister.

“That’s not true! He’s a liar!” Lilly protests adamantly, hands on her hips.

“No...I not…” Parker mopes, wounded voice growing quiet as he shakes his curls repeatedly. 

“Oh yes you are! You’re a liar and a baby! A _crybaby_!” Lilly yells, causing her little brother to promptly burst into tears.

“Lilly!” Louis scolds, turning to console the crying boy. He brushes Parker’s straying hair away from his wet eyes. “Hey buddy, tell me what happened. Use your words, ok?”

“Papa...Willy...n-not, she—” Parker stutters through his tears, face red and ruddy from getting so worked up. He hiccups little sputtered breaths as he tries to find a way to breath, talk and cry at the same time. “S-She not share with me!”

“It's mine!” Lilly protests angrily. “I don't have to share with you if I don't want to!” 

“Why, Willy?” Parker sobs, tiny voice sounding very hurt and genuinely confused.

“Because you annoy me!” Lilly shouts in irritation, hands clenched at her sides. “And I don't want to play with you! Or share with you! I wish you would just leave me alone!”

Parkers lip quivers, new tears threatening to break through as his three-year-old brain internalizes his older sister’s words. 

“Ok, enough.” Louis states after watching them go back and forth repeatedly, waving his hands in finality. “Lilly, go to your room, please.”

“Why?” Lilly questions defiantly, with her hands on her hips.

“Lilly Anne.” Louis warns in a stern fatherly voice, narrowing his eyes at her. “Your room. Now.” 

Lilly huffs, spinning on her heels to stomp off heavily up the stairs, making as much noise as possible.

Louis scoops up a sobbing Parker, face even more enflamed and flushed than before, tearstains streaking his cheeks. He’s such a deeply sensitive child, taking even the smallest and slightest things to heart.

“It's ok Parker, it's ok.” Louis soothes rubbing his back. “You're fine, buddy.”

“Willy, not wove me.” Parker cries, slinging his arms around Louis’ neck, sobbing against his shirt.

“She does, Parker. She does.” Louis comforts, sitting down in a chair with Parker in his lap, holding him close against his chest. “Lilly just needs a time out by herself for a bit.” 

“But why?” Parkers asks heartbrokenly, somehow the rimming tears making his oversized sad eyes look even bigger. “I no want Willy mad at me. I wove her and I wanna pway with her.”

“I know, Parks. I know.” Louis cuddles him close, rubbing his back soothingly. “It's ok, my love.”

Parker sniffles against Louis, face buried in his shirt as his heavy sobs start to dwindle down. Louis presses soft reassuring kisses from his forehead to the crown of his hair, causing the toddler to tighten his hold around Louis.

“Hey, guess what?” Louis whispers into Parker’s curls.

“What?” Parker pouts, leaning back to look up at Louis with round sea green eyes, wiping his runny nose with the back of his hand.

“It's snack time! Yeaaah, snack time!” Louis enthuses cheerfully bouncing the little boy on his lap in an attempt to lift his spirits and distract him. “Do you want fishy crackers? You love those!” 

Parker just continues to pout pitifully, fingers pulling on his hair absently as he mulls the concept over in his head.

“Aaand we have the rainbow ones! Yaaay!” Louis continues to rave, lifting Parker’s arms for him in a little cheer. “So you can separate them by color like you love to do, right? Does that sound good?” 

Parker slowly nods his head, sniffling one last time. “They gotta be with their famiwy, Papa. It not fair that they seperateded. I gotta find them to their famiwy.” 

“Yeah exactly, buddy.” Louis hoists Parker up on his hip. “It's up to you to save the fishies and bring them back to their families.”

Only this little boy would care about how the goldfish crackers are categorized into color families before they essentially go into his mouth to die. Sometimes Parker is so much like his dad, it's unsettling. 

Louis sets Parker up with his snack, spreading out a nice sized pile of rainbow fish crackers on a paper napkin and throwing in an apple juice box. “Alright, there we go. I'll be right back, buddy.” He kisses the top of his head, ruffling his curly hair. “Enjoy your fishies, ok?” 

“Ok.” Parker nods, voice a raspy from crying.

Louis heads upstairs quickly to diffuse another child bomb, knocking on Lilly's door. “Lilly?”

“Papa, I don't want to talk right now.” Lilly warns, sitting on the edge of her bed, back facing away from Louis with her arms crossed defiantly. “I'm very upset.”

“Well, I can see that, but we need to talk, Lils.”

Lilly looks over her shoulder at Louis flatly before turning back around to face her bedroom window.

“You know, your grandmum always told me that one day I'd have a kid just as ridiculous as me.” Louis recounts as he crosses the room and sits down next to her on the bed. “And they would give me just as much grief as I gave her as a kid. And here we are.” 

“I'm not ridiculous...” Lilly frowns, crossing her arms, but turning her body partially towards Louis’ reluctantly. “But... I told you, I am just like you.”

“Well, if you are like me, then you must be at least a little ridiculous, love.” Louis laughs, wrapping his arm around his daughter.

Lilly nuzzles against him. “Yeah, ok. Maybe a little bit.”

“You know what else we have in common?”

“What?”

“We are both eldest siblings.” Louis reveals, looking down at her. 

“Ugh, don’t remind me.” Lilly groans.

“Lilly, whether you like it or not, you are the eldest child of our household and that comes with a lot of responsibility.” Louis reminds gently.

Lilly opens her mouth to protest but Louis beats her to it. “And I already know what you're thinking. You’re thinking that you didn't ask for this responsibility, and you don’t want it and it’s all completely unfair. Am I right?”

Lilly pauses for a moment before nodding slowly.

“I get that, love. I really do.” 

“You do?”

“Yeah, of course I do! I know exactly how you feel Lils.” Louis empathizes, looking down at her. “Because I was the big brother to all of your aunts when we were growing up. And sometimes they would annoy me or I would get tired of them trying to follow me around or copy me. But even though it's a lot sometimes, it's also such a huge honor. Right now you have three little siblings who think you are the coolest person _ever_. They want to impress you and play with you and be close to you. They will take anything you give them. Your brothers and sister look up to you Lilly, and they always will.”

Lilly thinks seriously about this, remaining silent.

“I really shouldn't be telling you this but...”

“But what?” Lilly peaks up curiously.

“Mmm no. You don't want to know…” Louis toys, shaking his head as he begins to stand up.

“Yes I do!” She grabs his hand, pulling him back down.

“Oh, I dunno...” Louis sighs uncertainly. “Are you really ready? I’m not sure.” 

“Yes, Papa tell me! I’m ready!”

“Alright so...not many people know this but…” Louis drops his voice down to a whisper. “Being the oldest is like being given a super power.”

“What? Really?” Lilly awes, eyes wide.

“Yeah! Really!” Louis reveals dramatically, leaning in. “You have the power to sway and affect your siblings’ minds. You can change their opinions and make them agree with you and it can be so amazing. It’s a very very special gift.” 

Lilly gasps, hand over her mouth.

“But! The thing is...you can't abuse the power, Lilly. You have to use it for good. They need you to protect them. You are older and wiser and you have so much that you could teach them. You’ve got to be a good example to them and help them learn from your mistakes and make good choices as they grow up.” Louis explains. “Look out for them and be there for them and they'll always be there for you. The cool thing about having siblings is that you already have best friends for life.”

“You’re still best friends with your siblings?” Lilly wonders.

“Yes, always.” Louis smiles genuinely. “We’ve only gotten closer as we got older and I love them dearly.”

Lilly nods decisively, looking back up at Louis. “I want to be a good big sister. I want to be there for Parker and Maddi and Max.”

“Good, because your little brothers and sister need you, Lillypad. There is only so much Daddy and I can do. You gotta stick up for them, make sure they come out alright.”

“I will, I promise!”

“I’m happy to hear that.” Louis hugs her to his side. “Now, your brother was very hurt that you didn't want to share with him and that you yelled at him. He takes things very personally, you know.” 

“I know, Papa. I'm sorry.” Lilly hangs her head remorsefully.  

“Don't say it to me. I'm not the one who wanted to play with you. You need to go downstairs and apologize to him.” 

“Will you come with me?”

“Course, I’ll be right behind you, love.” Louis promises, offering his hand to her.

Lilly takes her father’s hand and leads the way out of her room and back downstairs to her brother.

“Parker?” Lilly calls gently, approaching the kitchen table slowly. Louis lets go of her hand and stays back, letting his kids work everything out on their own.

Parker simply sucks on the straw of his juice box, frowning as he watches his sister sit across from him at the table.

Lilly tugs at her bottom lip, wringing her hands together on the table anxiously. “Um…Parker…I just wanted to say that I’m…uh…really sorry. You know, for…being mean to you and stuff…”

“Reawly?” Parker’s eyes grow wide and hopeful instantly as he sets down his apple juice.

Lilly glances back at Louis, who nods at her to keep going. “Yes, really. I didn’t mean to…um…yell at you and I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. I was wrong and I promise to be a better big sister from now on. Will you forgive me?”

“Yes, Willy yes, I wove you.” Parker forgives straightaway, seeming in awe of her as if he already forgot they ever had any issues at all.

Lilly smiles widely. “I love you too.”

“Ah yes, beautiful homeostasis has briefly returned to my home once again. Now hug it out, kiddos.” Louis suggests from the sidelines, leaning against the doorway as he smiles down at his children. “This is truly a Hallmark moment.”

 

||||

 

“Styles, you have to take that off.” Melissa demands, lecturing Harry outside of the quaint café where they are set to have lunch. She’s been nitpicking Harry for the past ten minutes, fusing over the part of his hair, retying his tie into a double Windsor knot, and even shoving a pair of prescription-less glasses up the bridge of his nose, all in the name of making him look more “Brad-like”.

Honestly, Harry couldn’t give less of a damn if he tried. After all, beggars can't be choosers.  None of this is his problem and if his boss’s parents don’t accept him, he won’t lose a single second of sleep over it. His real in-laws have been in love with him for years.

“No, I can't.”  Harry holds his wrist protectively against his chest, scowling at her. “It’s not coming off.”

“Why? You don’t need it.”

“Yes, I do need it.” Harry protests in agitation. “My daughter made it for me and I promised her that I wouldn't take it off. Ever.” 

“She'll never know.” Melissa tempts.

Harry looks at her as though she has lost her mind, eyes fierce and unwavering. “But _I_ will know. I come with my sparkle beads on my wrist or I don't come at all. Deal with it.”

“God, _fine_ just pull your jacket sleeve down.” 

“Would you like me to draft a Can’t List for you?” Harry offers sarcastically. “It might be easier.”

Melissa frowns in confusion. “A Can’t List?”

“Well, it’s more like a Won’t List.” Harry amends pointedly. “As in I will the fuck not engage in the following behavior.”

“Harry, you have to sell that you’re my husband. That was what we agreed on.” Melissa reminds seriously. “So you need to use endearments and pet names when referring to me and also—”

“Yeah ok, definitely mark me down as a hard won’t for that.” Harry interjects instantly, shaking his head.

Melissa rolls his eyes, sighing heavily. “Then what exactly will you do?”

Harry smirks, coursing his fingers through his hair. “Well, I _will_ do as little as possible, I _will_ try not to get up and leave at every minute and I _will_ absolutely refrain from verbally calling you my wife.”

“Ugh, just come on, smartass.” Melissa grabs his hand and begins to tug him towards the doors to the restaurant.

“Hand holding is definitely on The Won’t List.” Harry yanks his hand out of her grasp. “I can walk myself, thank you.”

“God, you’re so difficult.” Melissa grumbles.

“At least, I’m consistent.”

“Are you done?” Melissa huffs sardonically, hand on her hip. “Can we go in now?”

“Lead the way, _Lemon Drop_.” Harry emphasizes the unnecessary endearment, stressing it unenthusiastically.

Melissa turns around and narrows her eyes at him, lip snarled. “Lemon drop? Really?”

Harry shrugs, unbothered, adjusting his fake glasses on his face. “You said to use believable endearments and lemons are bitter…and…well…you know…”

She scoffs at his insinuation, whirling around in her stilettoes and clicking off. Harry sighs deeply before reluctantly trailing behind her.  

Melissa navigates through the café, easily spotting her parents over the sea of lunchtime customers. The restaurant has an airy and open feel to it, indoor and outdoor seating blending seamlessly together throughout the eatery. Almost solely reliant on natural lighting, the only perimeters of the café are compromised of floor to ceiling windows, giving off an elegant but organic ambiance.  

A woman spots them, standing to her feet excitedly and waving them over. She looks like an older and softer version of his boss; ink black hair streaked subtly with traces of grey, cut into a sleek bob instead of kept long like her daughter’s. Next to her sits a man who also vaguely resembles Melissa, but for different reasons Harry can’t quite put his finger on. He’s sporting stylish dark rimmed glasses, completely silver hair smoothed down and parted to the side.

“Mellie!” The woman exclaims, huge smile on her face as she rounds the table to greet them. She pulls Melissa in, wrapping her up in a tight hug, nearly lifting her off the ground.

“ _Mellie_?” Harry mumbles to himself, standing off to the side of the table as Melissa greets her parents. He lifts a surprised eyebrow and looks to his boss with pure amusement. For such a strong willed woman to have such a sweet and easygoing nickname is truly blowing his mind. Oh, he’s definitely filing that one away for future use.

“Hello mother.” Melissa greets, embracing the dark haired woman reluctantly. Based on the cold tension laced within her words, Harry gets the feeling that Melissa and her mother don’t have the healthiest relationship.

Her mother pulls back, looking her up and down as mothers usually do after any extended amount of time without seeing their child. “You feel skinny. Have you been eating?” She runs her hands invasively along Melissa’s waist and hips. “You’re so tiny, Mellie!”

“Ugh, god mom, stop.” Melissa huffs, twisting out of her mother’s grasp and turning to greet her father. “Hi Dad.”

“Mellie Bellie!” Her father engulfs her in an equally tight embrace, kissing her cheek.

“ _Mellie Bellie_.” Harry chokes under his breath, biting his bottom lip so hard to keep from laughing, he feels like he might draw blood. These nicknames are literally _golden_.

“Mellie, dear, it’s so nice to see you. Your father and I are so thrilled you could meet us. Oh, and this must be…”

“Brad.” Melissa sweetly calls Harry, halting him from any more internal laughs. “These are my parents, Ralph and Stacy. Mom, Dad, this is Brad, my husband.” Melissa introduces, forcibly intertwining her fingers with Harry’s and giving him a little squeeze, purposefully disobeying his wishes.

Harry instantly jerks his gaze down at his linked hand with obvious uncontrollable disgust written clearly on his face, failing to address her parents properly in introduction. Melissa shoves him to bring his focus back to the conversation.

Harry startles, jerking his gaze from their joined hands. “Oh ha! Yes, hello...I'm... Brad...or you know—Bradley…Bradford? Bradington?” He tries offhandedly, causing a ridiculously confused expression to arise on Melissa’s parents’ faces. Melissa turns to face him, glaring hard with wide what-the-fuck-are-you-doing eyes. “Actually, you know, Brad is fine. Brad is good. Let's just go with Brad. Yeah.” Harry amends offering an awkward chuckle.

“Brad, I can’t believe it’s been so many years and we’ve never officially met.”

“Isn’t that something?” Harry ponders sarcastically, as they all begin to settle into the table. “She kept me all to herself as her dirty little secret.”

Harry unsurprisingly earns another underhanded shove to his side for that, but if he is going to do this, he at least needs to find a bit of entertainment in it.

The second they are fully seated, Harry yanks his hand free from her grasp under the table before turning to face her pointedly. “You know, Mellie—”

Melissa swiftly punches his knee hard under the table, not approving of the childhood nickname in the slightest.

Harry cuts his narrowed eyes at her, amending his sentence by clearing his throat. “I mean— _Melissa…_ it really is so lovely to finally meet your parents.” He smiles in an artificially sweet way, although his eyes are practically screaming out in pain.

“You know, I pictured you so much older.” Stacy stares at him curiously from across the table, eyes trailing over his features.

“I'm sorry, what?” Harry considers Stacy oddly.

“You just look so young for a man in his fifties.”

“In my fifties! What the—” Harry blurts in absolute shock, jaw hanging open as he wildly spins his head in Melissa’s direction.

Melissa squeezes Harry’s arm tightly before he can finish his outburst. “Oh, he doesn’t really like talking about his age because…um…well…he had a bit of work done.” She drops her voice to an exaggerated whisper as she addresses her parents. “Bang up job right?”

“Oh my god...” Harry pinches the bridge of his nose shaking his head as he mumbles under his breath. “This was a _huge_ mistake.”

“It’s ok, babe nothing to be ashamed about.” Melissa rubs Harry’s back in an attempt to appear like a comforting wife. “You look great. You can’t even tell.”

“Oh gee thanks, _Care Bear_.” Harry stares at her with sharpened daggers in his eyes. She may have just triggered his midlife crisis two decades early.

“Brad, dear, you really do look incredible for your age.” Stacy comments favorably with a smile. “Really, I can hardly believe.”

“Thank you.” Harry essentially grunts out through his teeth. Of course he fucking looks incredible! He’s only thirty-fucking-four-years old! Harry can practically hear Louis cackling in his ear; if he ever heard even a whisper of this conversation he’d never hear the end of it. The Daddy jokes alone would reach new levels, intolerable levels. No, Harry must never speak a word of this out loud and Louis must never hear of it. Ever. _Ever_.

“I’m impressed, and I’m not easily impressed.” Ralph agrees with a slow nod.

Harry let’s out a strained laugh. “Well, I'm also really into nutrition and health. You only have one body.”

Melissa’s unwanted hands trail slowly from Harry’s back up to the nape of his neck, fingers curling against his hair and Harry decides right then and there that he has had more than enough.

 “Umm, _Marshmallow Bunny,_ can I talk to you for a second.” Harry asks in the sweetest fakest voice he has ever heard come out of his own mouth. “Privately.”

“We just sat down, honey.” Melissa answers lightly.

Harry glares at her strongly, eyes practically twitching. “It’s important, _Tootsie Pop_.”

“Would you just excuse us for one moment?” Melissa begrudgingly says to her parents through a tightlipped smile.

“Oh, of course, Mellie.”

“Take your time.”

After they stand from the table, Harry swiftly drags her towards the restrooms, gripping her upper arm as they navigate the restaurant.

“Ok, you have got to stop!” Harry spins around and hisses once they are out of earshot, positioned behind a large series of decorative plants. 

“Stop what?” Melissa wonders incredulously.

“Touching me!” Harry groans, throwing his hands up in frustration. “It creeps me out! And it also violates my very strict Won’t List.”

“It has to look realistic, Styles! Like we are married! Like you actually love me!” Melissa argues. “You could at least _try_ to play along!”

Harry shivers, shaking his whole body out in pure disgust, teeth gritted.

“What exactly is so horrible about me touching your hand?” 

“It’s just traumatic, it brings up old memories. Scarring memories.” Harry haunts, mortified by the unfortunate events of the past. 

“That was ages ago, Harry.” She dismisses easily.

“Some memories never fade.” Harry grimaces hauntingly, shuddering again. “And why the hell didn’t you tell me that Brad is a fifty-year-old man! Do I look fifty something to you!?”

“Yeah…about that…” Melissa starts, pulling a yikes face. “I may have forgotten to tell you that technically Brad is ten years older than me so...yeah. That’s one of the reasons my parents were so upset about me running off with him to begin with.”

Harry drops his arms down to his sides, giving up. “This is ridiculous. Actually fucking ridiculous! So I’m supposed to be a man 20 years my senior?”

“Some men look really good for their age! It’s fine!” Melissa tries. “And you have an old soul anyways.”

“Excuse me!?”

“And while we are here talking, what is with the nicknames?”

“What? I’ve been pretty ok with those!”

“You have a way of making endearments towards me sound like threats with how hard you stress them.” Melissa contests.

“I can't help it! It's unnatural!” Harry cries in defense.

“Well, yeah with names like Marshmallow Bunny, Tootsie Pop, Care Bear and Lemon Drop. That _is_ extremely unnatural to say!”

“Look, I just take the first decent sounding noun or adjective combination that comes to my head, which is most likely food related, and I call it a damn day. Deal with it.”

“Why can’t you use _normal_ ones like a _normal_ person!” Melissa argues. “Do you want your time off or not?”

“I don't know anymore; I don't want to lose my soul.” Harry hangs his head, taking a deep breath.

“Why don’t you think of it more as playing a role?" She suggests positively. “Pretend I'm Louis or something.”

Harry looks at her expressionlessly, slouching his shoulders. “But you aren't, obviously, and my whole body is so painfully aware that you aren't and I can’t fake it.”

“Come on, Styles, buck up.” Melissa swats at his biceps, forcing him to stand up straight.

“Oh, give me strength.” Harry cries as he follows after her back to the table.

“Hi sorry, we’re back.” Melissa announces upon return.

“Everything alright?” Stacy asks as they settle back into their respective seats.

“Yeah, Brad just had some really dodgy sushi rolls last night and it’s been bothering him all day.”

Harry stares at her, irritation levels on the rise all over again. Is she trying to make him look horrible in front of her parents or what? Because if that is her play he can do that himself, easily.

“Aww, I’m sorry to hear that, Brad.” Stacy sympathizes.

“Oh it’s nothing. What’s a little acid reflux at this age?” Harry jokes, casting his head back and laughing far too loudly to be considered acceptable. “Am I right?” He rubs shoulders jestingly with Ralph on his left.

Ralph chuckles along lightly with him, Stacy following suit with her own tinkling giggle. Fake laughs all around. Cheers.

“Maybe you should let me order for you this time.” Melissa adds lightheartedly, hand on Harry’s shoulder.

“Oooh my sweet _Cherry Jubilee_ , you’re _sooo_ funny!” Harry cackles excessively, sounding like a cartoon character as he stares at her deliberately.  

The waitress opportunely chooses this time to make an appearance, quickly serving drinks around the table and jotting down their individual lunch orders efficiently, before jetting off towards the kitchen again.

“So Brad…” Ralph starts up conversation again once the waitress has left. “What exactly do you do for a living? Mellie has never told us anything.”

“That's a good question. A very good question.” Harry nods, turning his attention inquisitively to Melissa for an answer. “ _Jelly Bean_ , why don't you um…explain that for me, yeah?”

“Ooh, but you _love_ talking about your work so…” Melissa turns it right back to him.

“But _Honeybunches_ , I _love_ it even more when you talk about it.” Harry reminds sweetly. “Please _,_ I just _love_ to hear you talk about me.”

“Alright then, since you insist, darling.” Melissa wraps her arm around him and Harry instantly tenses up. The feel of her arm snaked around his waist is a sensation he never once ever wanted to feel. “Brad is actually a…um…doctor. Yes, a medical doctor.”  She announces, sounding like she is only figuring it out as she goes along.

“Oh my, Really? Mellie, I had no idea your husband was so highly educated.” Stacy awes in a creepy prestige seeking kind of way. “Brad, what kind of physician are you?”

“Um…” Harry widens his eyes, gasping at straws trying to think of an answer. “Erm…uh, well mmm…I’m a—Dermatologist.” He settles with after much internal debate, trying to choose a specialty he at least knows 10% about. He does have an interest in skin care, at the very least.

 “Oh? No way!” Ralph claps his hands once, before rolling up his sleeve. “That’s crazy, what a coincidence, because I just developed this random rash a forearm and I’ve been meaning to see someone about it, but here you are.”

“Ha…” Harry halfheartedly laughs in more of a nervous, shaky gust of breath. “Here I am…”

“Dad, we are eating.” Melissa states emphatically.

“Oh, he doesn’t mind, right?” Ralph looks to Harry, exposing his severely irritated skin. “He’s a doctor, I’m sure he’s seen worse.”

Harry holds a finger up, about to protest. “Actually I—”

“So what do you think, doc?” Ralph interrupts, holding out his forearm.

“Umm yes….so...that is…definitely…a...rash...” Harry states redundantly, not having much else to offer as reluctantly looks down at the inflamed skin.  

Ralph looks to Harry expectantly, waiting for a more in depth medical analysis that neither Harry or “Brad” can provide. “Yeah, so…”

“Uh well—erm…” Harry stalls again, looking to Melissa for help but she remains purposely silent and useless. Yeah, he might be pretty well acquainted in skincare to get by on his own terms, but he is no way on a medical doctor level by any means. “Well…uh—it appears to just be um…on the surface.” He observes slowly, racking his brain for a more anatomical way of saying that. “It’s only on the epidermis, not yet reaching the dermis or the hypodermis.”

“Hmm, that makes sense.” Ralph nods, looking down at his rash. “So what do you think caused it?”

God, this guy won’t quit, that was literally the best Harry had to offer and it was only thanks to Year 11 Anatomy and Physiology. He’s a creative director, not a doctor, goddammit.  The rash looks kind of like one he got a few months back when he tried out a new shampoo. Although he loved the product, his scalp never stopped itching and he developed a pretty ugly rash that spread over his body. Louis had worriedly dragged Harry in to see a specialist, fussing over him like he was two seconds away from death, only to find out that he was just allergic to one of the ingredients.

Harry decides to roll with it, it’s all he’s got at this point. “Uh, funny story actually—I once had a…um patient, who had a mysterious rash kinda like yours a little while ago and I was able to figure it out.”

“Huh, is that right?” Ralph eats it all up, engrossed by the bullshit Harry feeds him.

“Yeah…so I’ll just ask you a few simple questions Ralph, and you just need to answer them to the best of your knowledge.”

“Ok, I can do that.”

“On any given day do you find your skin to be oily, dry, or about average?” Harry inquires.

“I’d say dry, mostly.”

“Mhmm.” Harry hums deeply, adjusting his fake glasses intellectually. “And on a scale of one to ten, what is your skin sensitivity?”

“I’m going to say an eight, it’s pretty sensitive.” Ralph decides.

“Interesting.” Harry nods, stroking his face as if deep in thought. “And have you recently started using a new skin product? Lotions? Soaps? Moisturizers?”

“Um…well, I am trying out a new body wash?”

“Hmmm yes.” Harry gathers, eyes narrowed in consideration. “Well, it seems to me like your rash is probably due to an allergen.”  

“Allergen?”

“Yes, you see a lot of popular body washes and soaps contain sulfates, a really common detergent that acts as an allergen, causing rashes and irritation for sensitive skin.” Harry explains knowledgably, basically repeating everything his own doctor said to him a few months ago. “I suggest that you stop using the product, but…you know, I’d still go and see a specialist about it to be sure.”

“Ok yeah, wow thanks.” Ralph answers, meanwhile Melissa looks positively shell shocked, obviously having no faith in Harry’s abilities. “But wait…aren’t you a specialist?”

“Oh…well um…yes. Right. Of course…but uh—oh! Look is that our food?” Harry gestures to the approaching wait staff, one second from falling on his knees in praise at their timely arrival. He was running out of ways to bullshit. “Wow. Gee, time flies. What great timing, I’m starving? Are you starving?”

The staff serve their plates of food, allowing the conversation to thankfully reach it’s much needed demise. They all happened to order the the lunch special, a fresh goat cheese and kale salad, with the exception of Ralph who went against the grain and ordered a tomato mozzarella panini.   

They are all somewhat enjoying their meals when Stacy opportunely decides to drop a bomb. “Mellie, where is your wedding ring?”

“Well actually, we aren’t really into jewelry or um big spectacles, so I don’t wear one.” Melissa answers easily enough.

“But your husband wears a band. A very nice band at that.” Stacy ogles Harry’s platinum wedding band, his left hand resting on the table in plain sight. “You know, it’s not very ladylike to not wear a ring as a married woman.”

“Oh _mother_.” Melissa groans in irritation, while Harry averts his eyes, scratching his head in silence.

“No, really dear. You ought to be more respectful of your marriage.” Stacy insists, shaking her head at her daughter. “You can’t just gallivant around like some common floozy or casual whore.”

Harry widens his eyes and takes a large gulp of wine as this conversation continues to get more and more problematic. Objectively, he can see why his boss is not so fond of her parents, they are absolutely unbearable.

“Your mother is right.” Ralph agrees, nodding his silver haired head. “You should respect your husband. Brad obviously adores you.”

“You don’t see him refusing to wear a ring.” Stacy looks across the table once again at Harry’s ring, staring at it a bit more intently. “Who’s I? Or is that an L?”

“I’m sorry?” Harry frowns in confusion, setting his wine glass down.

Ralph, seeing what his wife is talking about, points curiously to Harry’s finger. “The tattoo on your ring finger.”

Harry glances down at his left hand, noticing that his wedding band has twisted up a bit, revealing a portion of the matching finger tattoo he and Louis got on their honeymoon. A full sized L in Louis’ handwriting at the base of his finger, right before the knuckle. Well, that’s just fucking great. Guess the jig is up then. Oh well, how sad.

“L is his brother.” Melissa jumps to answer, much to Harry’s disapproval.

“Oh no...” Harry shakes his head, already having triggering flashbacks. He opens his mouth to protest further but Melissa stomps on his foot with the sharp heel of her stiletto causing nothing to come out of his slack mouth, but pained silence.

“Brother?”

“Yes. L is short for Louis, his little brother.” Melissa confirms boldly.

“You have your brother’s initial tattooed under your wedding ring? That’s…odd…”

“Mmm it _is_ odd, isn’t it?” Harry agrees with a mock smile, cheeks tight, teeth gritted. “Unheard of really.”

Harry’s smartass answer of course earns him another swift foot jab under the table. “Don’t mind him, he gets defensive and uses sarcasm as a defense mechanism. It was such an emotional time for him.” Melissa reassures her parents, lifting her hand to rub Harry’s shoulder in a faux attempt at sympathy. That is true he does hate talking about this and the period in which Louis was his brother was definitely an emotional time. A time he’d rather not revisit ever again.

“Well, you know I don’t like to talk about this, _Popsicle_.” Harry demeans, with a twistedly sweet inflection to his tone.

“You’ll never work through your feelings if you keep them bottled up, sweetheart.” Melissa retorts, raising an eyebrow and reaching up to pinch his cheek.

“Maybe I don’t want to work through my feelings, _Snicker Doodle_.” Harry talks through his teeth, the pitch of his voice oscillating as he swats her hand away from his face.

“Oh my, I can see this is quite a sensitive topic for you two.” Stacy worries, observing the two of them bicker. “What happened, if you don’t mind me asking?”

Harry rests his head against on his palm, turning to Melissa with exaggeratedly curious eyes. He waits quietly for her to figure out an even semi-plausible story because there is no way in hell that he is going to play any part in furthering this narrative.

“His brother died on the day we got married.” Melissa rushes out in one breath. Harry tries not to swallow his own tongue. Of all the things she could have said, she went there. “A tragic story really, the tattoo is only fitting. The anniversary of two truly life changing events.”

“Oh, how awful.” Ralph empathizes. “How did he die?”

“Louis was Brad’s best man and Brad had forgotten the rings, so Louis offered to run home and get them but—there was…a horrible car accident.” Melissa pretends to be choked up and Harry can only grimace. This whole ordeal is such a joke, Louis would be in tears, laughing. No one would be able to shut him up for weeks. “Louis…he…he—didn’t make it.”

“I’m so very sorry for your loss, Brad.” Stacy reaches out to Harry gently. “You must have been so close.”

“Oh, _incredibly_ close.” Harry nods solemnly, putting on his best front. “We’re more than just brothers really, we’re—

“Best friends.” Melisa finishes, nodding along somberly, she takes his hand and gives it a hard warning squeeze. “I know babe, I’m sorry he’s gone.”

Harry smirks, enjoying watching Melissa scramble. "Actually _Buttercup_ , I was going to say soul-”

“Siblings.” Melissa rushes out before Harry can finish his incriminating statement.

“Husb-”

“Hermanos!” Melissa talks over him once again, surprisingly in Spanish.

Harry raises an eyebrow, slightly impressed by that unexpected save. “He was my everything. Everything I ever needed, everything I ever wanted.” He continues, purposely trying to sound as shady as possible.

“Everything a brother should be.” Melissa covers again, staring Harry down pointedly.

Stacy clutches at her heart in a display of sympathy. “You must miss him so much.”

“I hear him sometimes…” Harry starts dramatically, trying really hard not to smirk as he talks. “…at night…in _bed—”_

“Because of the nightmares!” Melissa practically yells, not needing to know where Harry was going to go with that. “Yes. Brad suffers from night terrors. Yep.”

“I hope I’m not interrupting but, would you like to order dessert?” The server asks readily. Harry can feel Melissa visible sag with relief that the conversation thread was disrupted, hopefully never to be resurrected.

“No, actually I think we’re ok, thanks.” Melissa speaks for the entire table, probably ready to leave.

“Ok, no problem. Let me clear these plates out for you and I’ll have your bill ready.”

Harry reaches to hand the waitress his plate, the cuff of his suit jacket raising up in the process.

“Oh, that’s an interesting bracelet, Brad. Very colorful.” Stacy observes as she passes her plate along, eyeing the bright beaded bracelet Lilly made for him.

“Yeah, my daugh—niece made it for me.” Harry catches himself. “I never take it off.”

“You must be such a family man.”

“Yes, family has always been really important to me.” Harry answers, and for once he is telling the truth.

“But no kids for you two?” Stacy questions disapprovingly, eyeing Melissa purposefully. “That was all my daughter’s doing, I’m sure.”

Harry blinks, not expecting that level of blatant shade. He decides to pause before answering, taking a sip from his wine glass. “Well no…um there was never any time with uh…our careers. And I guess now we’ve just passed that stage of life so—”

“I'm pregnant!” Melissa announces suddenly.

Harry chokes instantly on his Malbec, nearly spilling his wine. She could have said that to get back at him for ruining her dead brother story or she could have said it to gain the approval of her judgmental mother. Harry tries to give her the benefit of the doubt and lean towards the latter, but he is bothered nonetheless.

“Brad, are you alright, dear?”

“It’s _mine_?!” Harry blurts with abhorrence, the whole concept, although not real, catching him off guard. “Err—I mean, we are having a baby?” Harry hopeless fakes excitement. “Yay…”

“Oh my god!” Stacy enthuses happily. “That’s wonderful, Mellie! It’s a miracle!”

“I’ll say...” Harry mumbles flatly under his breath. Damn near impossible, really. An immaculate conception _._

“I didn’t know you were trying.” Ralph smiles in surprise.

“Yeah, you know…I just wanted a piece of him…” Melissa wraps an arm around Harry, pulling him close with maximum resistance on his part. She kisses his cheek softly with her palm holding his head steady and Harry all but has a seizure. “Forever.”

Harry chokes again, practically gagging. He could possibly regurgitate the entire contents of his stomach right now. Never mind her judgmental mother, it’s definitely confirmed that Melissa is just being petty at this point. Harry wonders where on earth she could have possibly inherited that trait from.

“Are you alright, sweetie?”

“Oh, you know, _Schnookums,_ just that ole acid reflux.” Harry grumbles, eyeing her flatly. “Again.”

“Well, I did tell you to let me order for you.” Melissa smirks, rubbing his shoulder before turning her attention back to her parents. “Anyways, we really should be going. I’ve got to get back before my next conference meeting.”

“I’m happy to have gotten to see you, Mellie. _So_ rare an occasion.” Stacy remarks, lips poised on her wine glass. It’s like she can’t say anything nice without attaching a backhanded comment.

“You could have visited me if you had really cared, but ok mother.” Melissa smiles bitterly. “Great to see you.”

“We never stopped caring, we just didn’t believe in your life choices.” Stacy answers simply, not a touch of warmth in her tone. “But we are _so_ indebted to you Brad, for saving our Mellie. She was hopelessly lost and so troubled with no real future and you obviously changed her and made her into the successful woman she is now.”

Ralph echoes his wife sentiments, head nodding. “We didn’t think she’d make it when she ran off to England and I really don’t think she would have without you, Brad. She hasn’t got a fighting survival bone in her body.”

Harry frowns at the poor depiction they have of their daughter. She is _anything_ but weak, however after being characterized in such a negative light, Melissa looks utterly defeated and broken, head hung low, hands twisting nervously in her lap. It’s honestly not a good look for her and Harry actually finds her to be more disturbing like this. Timidness does not become her in the slightest.

It must be such a huge slap to the face to have her parents, who she hasn’t seen in years, praising the guy who actually left her instead of acknowledging her for who she is. It’s hurtful, cruel and completely undeserved, especially from the people who are meant to love her unconditionally. She may not be Harry’s favorite person and she may be extremely petty and absolutely irritating and bossy, but all of her achievements and accomplishments are her own and shouldn’t be tarnished by her ex piece of shit boyfriend who really couldn’t give two fucks about her.

“Oh, hell no.” Harry yanks the cloth napkin from his lap and tosses it on the table. “You didn’t even approve of me at first and now you’re trying to kiss my ass, well save it. I will not allow you to slander my…uh…wife.” He declares, hesitantly referring to her as his spouse. “I didn’t save her she saved me. I never would have survived the loss of my...erm brother or become a…uh doctor if it wasn’t for her. If she had any issues before it was probably because she was stifled by your harsh parenting and constant negativity.”

Stacy and Ralph both collectively gasp, caught off guard.

“Your daughter is brilliant and very good at what she does and you should be proud what she’s achieved for herself. She is incredibly successful and worked hard to become an established household name in publishing. And she did that all on her own, not on any account of me or even you. So if you can’t accept my…erm—wife…” Harry forces himself to say the word again. “Then you don’t deserve to know her.” He stands to his feet dramatically, reluctantly offering his hand to Melissa. “Come on, _Lemon Drop,_ let’s go.”

Melissa looks up at him utterly stunned by his outburst in her defense. She mouths a silent and heartfelt ‘thank you’, before taking his hand and getting up from the table to follow Harry out of the restaurant.

Harry may have just helped his boss diss her demeaning parents and stand up for herself, but he will never forget all the trauma he had to go through. How will he ever forget that for the day he was a fifty-something year old dermatologist who had vast amounts of extensive cosmetic surgery to defy age. He apparently has the worst reoccurring acid reflux imaginable, as well as an untimely marriage anniversary that also marks the death of his kid brother, who in actuality is his husband, which is coincidentally the source of his night terrors. _And_ on top of that, his nearly middle-aged wife is expecting their very first child. What a goddamn joke. Harry needs a shower. Or a strong cleanse. Or actually just a memory wipe.

 

||||

 

“Louehhh.” Harry whines pathetically as soon as Louis’ face appears on the screen of his phone. The second he got back to his room after that horrible lunch experience, he dialed his real spouse’s number, desperately needing comfort.

“Trouble in paradise?” Louis badgers, smirking. 

“I just want you to hold me.”

“Ooh, love.” Louis sighs sympathetically in a soft voice. “I’m sorry.”

Harry can’t tell if he is being genuine with his sympathies or patronizing, either way he’ll take it at this point. “I feel traumatized!” 

“What happened, babe?”  

Harry shudders, thinking back. “It was absolutely awful! I feel unclean and dirty and cheap and dirty….and…dirty.”

“You said dirty three times.” Louis points out.

“It’s how I feel.” Harry grumbles bitterly.

“Did she touch your no-no square?” Louis teases, biting his bottom lip.

“No, she didn’t touch me there or my…no-no square…” Harry huffs exasperatedly, rolling his eyes. “But she touched me in general and that was enough. In fact, it was too much.”

“Did you throw up a bit in your mouth? Get a little sick? Because…I know how that is.”

“No, I actually threw up.” Harry cries in disgust.

“Really?”

“No…” Harry sulks begrudgingly. “But I feel like I might! Why did you let me do that?”

“Honestly, I thought you were going to get out of it.” Louis snickers, shaking his head.

“Well, I didn’t! Obviously!” Harry throws his hands up.

“Did you at least get anything out of this? Please tell me you did not do all that for nothing, I’ll be very disappointed in you.” Louis states, narrowing his eyes. “Frankly, I raised you better.”

“Two weeks paid vacation time.” Harry grumbles, unenthused. “For us…”

“Ooh?” Louis raises an eyebrow with interest. “Nice, we have been talking about taking a holiday.”

“But was it worth it?” Harry wonders despondently, squinting his eyes. “Was it _really_?”

“Well, I don’t quite know, love. Are you going to tell me what happened?”

“No. No, I will not. No.” Harry sticks up his chin defiantly. “I refuse to give you the satisfaction. And I also don't want to talk about it because then I’ll have to recognize that it happened and I don't know if my body is ready to do that just yet.”

“You have some nerve to call me the dramatic one, you know? Throwing big ass stones from your glass house.”

“I have every right to be fucking dramatic when I just pretended to be my boss’s husband and father to her child!”

“Father to her child?” Louis gawks, stifling an evading laugh. “H, do you know what that means?”

“What?” Harry asks tentatively, not sure if he actually wants to know.

Louis snickers and Harry doesn’t like the look he’s giving him. “It means that your penis went all up inside her and came in such a glorious way that you made a baby—hypothetically speaking, of course.”

Harry slaps a hand over his mouth dry heaving and shuddering. “Louis. Stop. The imagery.” He keeps gagging and scrunching up his features. “If you love me at all, you’ll stop.”

“You don't believe in the miracle of life, Harold?” Louis questions, mischievous glint in his eye. “Oh, it's such a beautiful thing. Two people coming together as one…joining forces, bumpin’ and grindin’, bodies tangled, sweat and some other bodily fluids mixing and mashing. _Incredible_.”

Harry continues dry heaving repetitively until his eyes suddenly go wide and his mouth twists further in disgust. He peaks back up at the camera, looking utterly repulsed. “I literally just threw up in my mouth, thanks.”

“Oh! You are so welcome, my love. It's such a wonderful sensation isn’t it?” Louis beams, sounding like the epitome of petty. If pettiness was able to embody a human form, Harry is certain it would look a little something like his spouse. “That's all I was trying to accomplish. I'm done now, I feel good. Actually I feel fucking great.”

Harry groans disgustedly, pulling a sickened expression as he slides his tongue over the roof of his mouth, trying to rid himself of the horribly sour taste.

Louis frowns in sudden consideration, a concept seeming just to hit him. “Wait—hasn’t that ship fucking sailed off by now?”

Harry lifts his head, blinking in confusion. “What do you mean? What ship?”

“The natural pregnancy ship.” Louis clarifies, still pondering to himself. “Can she even logistically get pregnant? Isn’t she like in her forties?”

“Yeah, but it’s possible, I suppose.”

“Of course, it’s possible. People do it all the time, but...really I mean…does she even want kids? Or was that all for show. Because she doesn’t seem very—what’s the word I’m looking for?” Louis contemplates dramatically, finger to his chin. “Oh, right…motherly.”

“Who knows?”

“Well, tell her in advance that she will not be borrowing our kids too.”

“Duly noted.”

“Hmm...” Louis muses further, somehow unable to let this topic die. “I would imagine her uterus to be extremely hostile. Not just because she’s medically a geriatric mother, but because she’s a hostile person in general.”

“I don’t know the intimate details of her reproductive system, Louis.”

“Well, you should, considering she’s your wife.” Louis reminds with a teasing smirk.

“You're the worst.” Harry sulks, pouting.   

“Aww I love you too, babe!” Louis smiles sweetly with his eyes squinted closed, giving Harry a kissy face.

“God, I need a drink.” Harry groans, casting his head back. “A good strong drink.”

“Hey, remember when we used to have tipsy Tuesdays?” Louis reminisces, propping his head up with his hand.

“Fuck _yes_ , those were the days. Let’s bring that back. We need that again.”

“We can't just bring it back, Harold. We have four little kids to think about now.” Louis reminds. “How are we going to start drinking alcohol from a bottle while hanging around naked on our kitchen counter, drunk off our asses, with children around?”

“I do see your point.” Harry nods. “How about a modified version?” 

“I'm listening…” 

Harry sees an opportunity to tease his husband, ready to turn the tables a bit. “One pint size glass of wine, plus missionary style sex in our king size bed for a full fifteen minutes. Lights on for an added bonus.”  

“I hate you sometimes, I don't know if you are joking or serious and it is making me mad on principle.”

Harry cracks up, head falling downwards towards his lap as he laughs.

“I don't want to be that couple, Harry. You know that is my worst nightmare come to life. It makes me break out in hives!” 

Harry keeps laughing uncontrollably, completely hunched over and nearly wheezing.

“Those couples who plan sex down to the last millisecond, like it’s some kind of complicated mating dance that commences once every third Tuesday evening at 9:00 P.M. sharp and lasts until approximately 9:03 P.M. And then the idea of a really wild night is essentially motionless missionary sex above the covers instead of underneath them.” Louis starts to reflexively scratch at his arms, shuddering. “Ugh, it disturbs me so much! I'm getting itchy just thinking about it! I'm so unsettled now!” 

“Oh my _god_! Thank you, Louis!” Harry cackles, practically wheezing with laughter. “You always cheer me up.” 

“I'm not laughing, Harry. This is actually bothersome and you are making a mockery of me…again.”

“No, I'm not, baby.” Harry grins consolingly. “I promise we will never be that couple. No boring timed missionary sex above the covers sex for us, ever.”

“Promise?”

“Promise. Only the best for my hubs.” Harry nods seriously with a wink. “That's why we will have _untimed_ missionary sex above the covers.” 

“I hate you!” Louis laughs openly, smiling wide. 

“Back at you.” Harry blows a kiss, laughing happily along with his spouse.

Their mutual laughter naturally fizzes out, both of them staring at each other quietly through their screens wearing matching soft smiles.

“Home soon, yeah?” Louis asks quietly.

“Home soon.” Harry’s smiles warmly. “I miss my family.” 

“We miss you too, love. More than you know.” 

“Give all our babies a kiss for me.”

“Already done.”

 

||||

 

“Alright, I’m ready for you to tell me all about my day.” Lilly declares, sitting straight up in her bed as Louis walks through the bedroom door.

“What’s this about? I was just swinging by to tuck you in for bed.”

“You promised me a story, Papa!” Lilly enthuses. “Remember? My story!”

“Did I?”

“Yes! And you can pretend like you forgot, but I’m reminding you so there is no excuse!”

“But…you haven’t even tried to fall asleep yet, babes.”

Lilly throws Louis a flat look. “We both know where this is going, let’s just cut to it, yeah?”

“Why waste time, I guess?” Louis chuckles, moving to get in the bed with her. “Budge over.”

Lilly makes room for him easily, allowing Louis to get comfortable and settled in next to her. She nestles her body under the crook of his arm and rests her head on his chest.

“Ok Papa, I’m ready.” Lilly decides, peering up at her father. “What happened the day I was born? I want all the details and everything. Don’t leave anything out!”

“Ooohh…” Louis blows out a gust of breath in remembrance. “That day was absolutely mad. Total chaos. Your Daddy and I were proper frazzled.” 

 

~

 

“What is that ungodly noise?” Louis complains groggily, startled from sleep by the unwelcome sound of either an alarm ringing or an extremely rude person calling at ass-o-clock in the morning. “Is that your phone? My phone? Ugh, I don’t care…shut it off…”

Harry reaches out to the nightstand blindly, feeling around for the source of the incessant ringing while making unintelligible sluggish noises. By the time he actually grabs the phone, the ringing has finally ceased, peaceful quiet returning to their bedroom.

“There is a god.” Louis praises muzzily against his pillow, relishing in the returned silence of the night.

“Oww.” Harry groans, squinting as he unlocks the phone, the bright light nearly blinding him. “Um…it's Heidi…” He announces slowly, sitting up in their bed as he looks down at the multiple missed calls and texts from their surrogate mother.

“Hmm?” Louis questions sleepily, not really paying the slightest bit of attention, more relieved that the irritating noise has stopped and he can finally drift back to sleep.  

 “Oh my god, Louis!” Harry shakes his husband’s resting body violently, mostly just slapping his back thoughtlessly. “Her water broke! She's at the hospital, she's going into labor!” 

“She's what?!” Louis bolts upright, hair sticking up and smashed against the side of his head.

“The baby is coming!”

“Fuck!” Louis falls out of the bed, unable to keep himself together, hitting the floor with a heavy thud.

“The baby is coming!” Harry shouts again with even more distress evident in his tone. “Get up Louis, we have to go!” 

“B-But…but…” Louis stutters from the ground in shock. “But…she isn't due for another few weeks. S-She can't be in labor…she c-can't…she—”

“The! Baby! Is! COMING!” Harry screams even louder, interrupting Louis’ stunned mumblings.

“The baby…the baby…” Louis mumbles in a stunned daze.

“Get up! Get up!” Harry hops off the bed and throws pillows at Louis, still lying helplessly on their bedroom floor. “Get your ass up!”

Louis startles, scrambling up among a sea of throw pillows on the ground, finally snapping out of it. “Oh my god, we have to go, Harry!”

“I _know_!” Harry yells thrusting his previously bare legs into full length joggers, nearly tripping over his own limbs as he hops up and down to shimmy them on.

Now standing, Louis looks around uncertainly, at a loss. He looks left, he looks right, to the floor, to the ceiling, out the window, through the door, unable to command his body to action. It’s too damn early. “Wait? I don’t know what to do! Harry! What do I—where do I—I don’t know!”

Harry scurries past Louis wordlessly like a whirlwind, throwing a pair of trackies at him that land on his head, covering his face.

Louis stumbles around blindly, yanking the clothes from his face and attempting but also failing to put them on properly. Unimpressively, he finally tumbles into the joggers, only tripping six times in the process. “Where are my shoes?”

Harry ignores Louis completely, focused on his own issues. “Where is the baby carrier we bought?”

“Shoes? I can't find shoes? Do we own shoes?” Louis gripes in growing irritation, uprooting random items obscuring his search. “I just need one pair of stupid shoes! Just one!”

“I know I saw it somewhere…” Harry continues, searching the bedroom wildly before running out of the room to look elsewhere. “But where!?”

“Alright whatever, fuck the shoes!” Louis gives up, essentially tripping down the stairs after Harry. “Where are the car keys?”

“The carrier! The car seat! The—shit! The thing the baby goes in for the car!” Harry blabbers on, growing more and more frustrated by the millisecond. “You know what I’m talking about?!”

“What?!” Louis calls back equally flustered, digging through drawer after drawer in the kitchen for a set of keys. “Spare keys? My keys? Your keys? Any goddamn keys!”

“It’s literally a basket for babies! A baby basket carrier thing that buckles into the car! That we purchased like a month ago!” Harry describes, the amount of stress in his voice multiplying by the second. “And where is the baby go bag?!”

“The fuck!?” Louis shouts, slamming the last drawer closed angrily. “How do we live here?! I can’t find anything! This house is too bloody big! Goddammit!”

Harry digs through the hall closet, tossing things out at random. “Ok, but where is the go bag!?”

“Keys!” Louis roars, throwing his hands up in the air manically. “I can't find the damn keys!”

“Louis!” Harry calls frantically from some unknown location in their house. It sounds like he could be upstairs again, but who knows really. “Start the car!”

“I can't without the fucking keys, Harry!” Louis shouts back, scouring ever cabinet in sight madly.

“We have to go! We need to get to the hospital now!” Harry yells, not paying the slightest bit of attention to where his legs are carrying him as he reappears in the kitchen. “Once I find this bag—”

Harry and Louis collide into each other unsuspectingly, landing both of their asses ceremoniously on the hardwood floors of the kitchen.

 _“Shit!”_ Harry hisses loudly, attempting to sit up but wincing. “Are you ok? Sorry, I—Sorry. You’re ok, right? You’re good? Sorry. I’m sorry. Sorry.” He rambles on while rubbing his head, using his other hand to help Louis sit up.

“I’m…yeah, good. But you’re ok? Yeah?” Louis touches his forehead which recently connected with Harry’s temple. “Sorry…it’s just that we live in the fucking Bermuda triangle and can’t find one damn thing! Where are the bloody keys!?”

“I can’t find the bag!” Harry hops back up on his feet in record breaking time, getting right back into his mad goose chase around the house. “I can’t find it! I can’t! I can’t! I _can’t_!”

“We are organized people. You...” Louis points to Harry madly, pulling at his hair as he stumbles around the living room after his spouse. “You are an exceptionally prepared and almost irritatingly organized person!”

“Wheeereee the _fuuuck_!” Harry roars through the house, scrambling blindly in desperation over Louis’ ramblings. Back to having two different conversations, talking over each other.

“God, this can’t be happening to us right now!” Louis groans. “Nothing is where it fucking should be. Nothing! Not a goddamn thing!”

“Oh my god…” Harry spins around in realization, facing Louis with wide panicked eyes. “We didn't pack one. Louis, we didn't pack a bag!”

“Yes, we did! Right? Yes? No. Yes.” Louis frowns, conflicted with himself, ample stress clouding his memory.

“Shit! No, no we didn’t!” Harry shakes his head wildly, chest heaving in rapid waves, he looks ten seconds from having a complete meltdown. “We d-didn’t pack the bag b-because we thought we had more time. We…we thought—we were…there was supposed to be more time and we don't have more time and it's happening now and we aren’t…we aren’t ready! Our baby is coming and we aren’t ready!”

“We can't do this...no...” Louis shakes his head in a frenzy, stepping backwards slowly. “Harry, we can’t do this, we aren't ready.”

“We can't be parents!” Harry insists, pulling at his hair. “We are already failing! Lou, I can't do this, we were supposed to have another month to figure this shit out! We have so much to do, nothing is ready!”

“What were we thinking!? We should have started off small! With a puppy or something? We can't have a _baby_! What the fuck!?”

“Wait! _What_!?” Harry seems to finally hear the panicked pleas of his spouse. “Louis! Come on! You aren’t supposed to agree with me! You are supposed to tell me to stop freaking out! You’re supposed to say everything will be ok and all that shit!”

“But…but what if it's not ok and we suck as parents?!” Louis worries, hands tangled in his hair. “What if we really aren't ready?!” 

“Don't say that! I've already lost my fucking shit! Be the older and wiser level headed one that you are supposed to be! Calm me down!”

“I can't! I’m not calm! I’m not fucking calm, Harry!  I’m flipping the fuck out too!”

“Fake it! Fake it for me!”

Louis places his hands on his head and walks in several small circles, eyes closed in a meditative manner. “Alright…” He nods opening his eyes and standing in front of Harry. Louis places his hands on either side of Harry’s face, leaning in close and staring hard into his eyes. “We are going to be fine.” He says in the most solid, comforting voice he can muster.

Harry watches him with baited breath, eyes wide and panicked, totally reliant on his husband to calm his nerves.

“We…um…we babysit all of the time, yeah? And no one has ever died. We love kids, kids love us. It’s great, totally great. We are great. We are a team, a great…totally great team. We are…competent adults, extremely responsible and um accountable.” Louis tries, hands still cupping Harry’s cheeks. “And yeah…our baby is a little early…and unexpected, but we are ready for this. We want this…it’s...it's good…We are ready for this.”

 “We are ready for this…” Harry repeats tentatively, gazing at Louis unblinkingly.

“We are...” Louis nods slowly, fingers desperately tangled in Harry’s hair.

Harry breathes heavily, eyes still locked on his spouse. “Ok…”

“Yeah....”

“Yeah?”

“Yea—no!” Louis breaks again, dropping his hands from holding Harry’s head. “We aren’t ready for this!”

“What?!”

 “I’m sorry babe, I’m so sorry. I tried. I really did.” Louis apologizes, shaking his head as he takes a few steps back. “I tried so hard for you but…it sounds fake to be honest. I don’t know…I don’t know, Haz!”

“Oh god, I feel nauseous.” Harry drones queasily, walking around in small lost circles. “I’m lightheaded—I’m weak, no—I’m dying…”

“I mean…” Louis starts, head still shaking wildly as he raises both hands in question. “How are we supposed to just leave our house a childless carefree no stings attached couple and then come back to our house as fucking parents! How does that happen? Just…how?” He rants, feet mindlessly tracing the small circles his spouse is trailing around the living room. “Does something magically happen on the drive home that transforms us and suddenly prepares us to be lifelong caretakers of a tiny human!?”

“It's getting too real, Lou! It's so sudden and so fast! It's an actual human life! That's _ours_!” Harry stresses as if he might fall over and faint.

“I feel like I'm having a panic attack.” Louis clutches at his chest, leaning over against his knees and breathing heavily. “I’m going to be fucking sick.”

“Deep breaths, baby.” Harry tries as he leans against a wall for support, breathing just as raggedly. 

Louis, hands still propped on his bent knees, looks up at Harry weakly. “How can you tell _me_ to take deep breaths when _you_ are over there gasping for air!”

“My instinct is telling me to try to soothe you when you're upset but—” Harry shakes his head, hardly getting enough oxygen. “I can't even soothe myself.” 

“God, we aren’t going to survive this.” Louis hangs his head down again, eyes closed.

“Breathe with me, ok? In, one…two…three. Out, one…two…three…” Harry starts in a soft voice, encouraging Louis to join him with his eyes. “Come on, Lou. Breathe. In through your nose and out through your mouth, letting your chest expand fully before exhaling.”

“I’m not doing this with you, Harry!” Louis resists, shaking his head as he sinks down to the floor. “It was bad enough that you dragged us to those Lamaze classes in the first place.”

Harry sits down across from his husband, attempting to hold his hands. “It really helps and—”

“We aren’t actually giving birth! We aren’t pregnant women! We are grown ass men!”

“Who gives a fuck, Louis!” Harry snaps suddenly, replacing his soothing and soft voice for a high strung and stressed out screech. “It helps with breathing and finding your center of gravity and being calm! And I need calm! You need calm! We fucking _NEED_ calm! Now shut up and fucking hold my hand and peacefully breathe with me, goddammit!”

“Ok…geez…” Louis mumbles, taking Harry’s offered hand as instructed without any more protest.

After several minutes of coordinated, timed breathing exercises and tightly clasped hands, Harry starts frowning, eyebrows deeply furrowed.

“It’s not enough…” Harry huffs in dissatisfaction, untangling his fingers from Louis’.

“What? What are you doing?” Louis questions curiously as Harry closes the space between them and spreads Louis’ legs open.

“Hold me.” Harry insists, laying his back against Louis’ front and snuggling up against him.

“We don’t have to reenact the whole entire Lamaze class, you know?” Louis gripes, rolling his eyes.  

“Louis. Hold. Me. _Now_.” Harry grits, forcibly wrapping Louis’ arms around his body.

“Ok, ok. I got you.” Louis tightens his arms around his husband, hooking his chin over Harry’s shoulder. “I got you, love.”

Harry sinks against Louis in relief, sighing softly as he closes his eyes. They grip each other securely, gradually regaining a semblance of control the longer they lie entangled together, heart rates and breathing patterns syncing up and returning near the realm of normal.

“I’m sorry for snapping at you.” Louis whispers softly against Harry’s ear, pressing his lips to his temple. “It was a good idea.”

“I’m sorry too.” Harry apologizes quietly, squeezing Louis’ arm.

“I feel better…I think…maybe…yeah?” Louis states optimistically, sounding like he is trying to convince not only Harry, but himself. “Do you feel better?”

“It’s a baby, Lou. _Our_ baby.” Harry mumbles eerily, almost in a daze, head resting against Louis’ inner arm.

“I know…” Louis murmurs into Harry’s shoulder, tightening his hold around him.

“Ours.”

Louis clasps Harry’s hand reassuringly, tilting Harry’s head up to meet his eyes. “Hey, I love you. You're ok, babe. We’re ok, yeah?” 

“Yeah...” Harry nods trying to find some semblance of ground in his husband’s eyes, until suddenly he looks queasy again, face rapidly turning green. “No…no…Louis, no, no.”

“No? What do you mean no?”

“No.” Harry stands up abruptly, slowly starting to pace the room. “No. No. No. No. NO!”

“Harry, _please_!” Louis begs, feeling panic starting to rise back up in his chest, moments of calm rapidly becoming a distant fantasy. “I need you to be ok because it helps me be ok. Whatever you feel, I feel it too! Please don’t do this to me!”

“It’s just…it’s all so…” Harry paces the floor incessantly, feet never ceasing, never slowing. “Whenever I think about it too hard…I just…I just…I freak out!”

“Then stop thinking!” Louis advices simply. “Stop fucking thinking!”

“I can’t! This is a living a breathing human that is _ours_ and only ours! _Our_ responsibility. If something went wrong, it’s on us! You and me! _Ours_!” Harry stresses, hands waving wildly above his head. “I just…I mean, I haven't finished reading the parenting books and I know nothing about sleep schedules and bottle temperatures and those car seat buckles and baby locks confuse the living shit out of me!”

“Harry…”

“How long do you burp a baby? Or when? Or how, even?” Harry rambles on incessantly. “Can you hold a baby for too long? Are there restrictions on that? Like developmental restrictions? Life damaging restrictions!? But then when is it appropriate to self sooth?”

“Stop…” Louis begs, shaking his head, anxiousness on the rise. “Stop talking!”

“I can’t! It keeps going and going in my head. Question after question. Basic things that you think you know, but do you really know? Do you really know!? Things that _allegedly_ we’ll learn with time, but what if we don’t!? What if we don’t!?” Harry wonders manically with wide eyes, arms raised and waving above his head. “I mean…did we really buy the safest crib? How many layers are babies supposed to be wearing? Do they have to always wear a hat? Or socks? Or those little mittens so they don’t scratch their face? What happens if our baby has a fever or gets sick? What color is healthy for a baby’s poop? What is the best kind of formula? How often do you sterilize bottles and dummies? Every time? Every other time? 10 times? 20 times? The fuck if I know! I don’t know _anything_!”

 

~

 

“You and Daddy went through all of that over me?” Lilly wonders, eyes wide in disbelief.

“Yes!” Louis declares, chuckling. “We were really scared, Lils! It felt like a lot of pressure and we didn’t want to mess you up. We wanted to be ‘perfect’ parents.”

“So…what did you do?” Lilly asks curiously.

“We did what any sound soon-to-be-parents would do…” Louis explains, grin growing across his face. “We called our mums.” 

“You called Nana Jay?” Lilly questions skeptically. “Papa, isn’t that kinda…babyish?”

“No, you never stop needing your parents, Lilly.” Louis reminds seriously. “Always remember that.”

 

~

 

“Pick up, pick up, _pick up_!” Louis groans in agony, ready to chuck his phone across the room in frustration as he basically has a conniption.

“When I need my mother she's asleep! How selfish!” Harry complains, without registering his own words. “No—I don't mean that. Of course, I don’t mean that! She is the most selfless person I know and the best mum, an actual saint. And she deserves to rest, but I _need_ her! Answer please mum, come on!” Harry looks down at his phone bitterly like it is personally victimizing him by not immediately connecting him to his mother. “I’m gonna try your mum’s house phone.”

“Muuum! Mummy!” Louis wails into his mother’s cellphone voicemail box, all pretenses of stability and marital independence thrown out the window. He has the strongest urge to curl up into the fetal position and sob. “Mum! Help me! I know it's really late and I'm sorry, but I need you! I'm physically about to shit my fucking pants. Sorry, sorry you hate when I curse but— _Muuum_! I'm going to be a fucking father like tonight in a manner of fucking hours—sorry, again. Sorry. But fuck! Mum, a child is being born and they’re going to be MINE! And I have to figure out how to raise them?! And feed them?! And parent them?! Fuck! How is this legal? I have no experience; I can't do this! Mummy, help me! Call me back!”

Harry, splayed out across the floor moaning in anguish, bolts up suddenly. “Oh my god, Jay! You're awake!” He cries with relief into his phone, releasing the heaviest sigh of thanksgiving Louis has ever heard.

“She answered you?!” Louis jumps up, scrambling over to Harry and grabbing the phone from his hands. “Oh my god, I’m not even mad that my own mother answered you over me. I’m just happy to finally hear from a sound well seasoned veteran of parenting.”

“Louis? Harry?” Jay questions sleepily through the phone. “Are you alright, loves? “It's half two in the morning.”

Louis holds the phone, on speaker, in between him and Harry. “Mum, we are so sorry to wake you! But it's an emergency and I…and we—”

 “Slow down, baby. It's alright, I'm here.” Jay sooths gently, like only a parent can. Just the simple sound of her voice takes his anxiety down several notches.

“Our surrogate is in labor!” Harry bursts out uneasily, eyes wide. 

“Our baby is coming!” Louis follows right after.

“Oh that's wonderful news! Congratulations, my dears! I’m thrilled for you! My first grandchild, ahh!” Jay gushes giddily over the speakers, before growing quiet for a hesitant moment. “My, it's early though isn't it? Heidi wasn't due for another month or so, right?”

“ _Ooh_ , I never thought about that...” Harry pales completely, color draining from his entire face. “It's way too early! She's can’t—She’s not ready! What if something happens to her!?”

 Louis squeezes Harry’s hand tightly, expression growing even more panicked. “What if…what if we lose our baby? Harry—What if—” 

“No, no, stop that! Both of you! Babies are born weeks early all the time.” Jay reassures. “I’m sure Heidi and your baby are perfectly fine. You two just need to get to the hospital.” 

“Ok, but we aren't ready, Mum!” Louis protests adamantly. “How do you just wake up and be a dad? We are bound to mess up and fail at this rate.”

“Well, of course you'll mess up, darling.” Jay chuckles obviously. “It’ll feel like you’re messing up more than you’re doing anything right and that is all perfectly normal. That’s called parenthood. No one ever thinks they're ready, love. You just get thrown in the water and start fighting not to drown until you figure out how to actually swim.” Jay explains. “You'll mess up and you won't know what you’re doing half the time, but you'll give your child all the unconditional love and support they need and it will all be alright. No parent is ever perfect, it’s through the mistakes that you learn and grow. You’ll rely on each other and figure it out together.”

Harry and Louis stare at each other, hands gripped tightly together as they process her wise words and the huge step they’re about to take in a manner of hours.  

“It’s going to be ok, you two. Really. I have every faith in you. And Anne and I are always just a phone call away.” Jay reassures softly, tone soothing and gentle.  “Now get to the hospital now and meet my grandbaby! I'll make all the necessary calls so you don’t have to worry about that and then we'll all drive down to see you in the morning.” 

“Thank you, mum. Really—I’d be lost without you.” Louis answers quietly, seeming to have finally found a bit of peace.

“Yes, Jay. Thank you so much, we love you.” Harry responds, echoing the same semblance of peace as his spouse.

“You’re so welcome, loves.  I love you both impossibly. Good luck!”

 

~

 

“We showed up at the hospital looking like a horror movie. An honest to god nightmare.” Louis explains, laughing softly at the memory. “We couldn't find the maternity ward in our wildly stressed out haze and absolutely nothing felt real. I remember I had one rain boot on and one fuzzy slipper and your daddy had a hoodie on inside out and I'm pretty sure it was mine because it was too tight and too short. And then on top of that we had mismatching joggers on and the worst bed hair imaginable, our eyes were so puffy and red…and god, our breath was so foul. And we wandered around the hospital holding misassembled pieces of a baby carrier looking like we had no clue which way was up. All the nurses and staff took pity on us because our whole aura just screamed first time parents.”

“But when we held you for the very first time, and felt your tiny fingers grasp our hands, all of that initial anxiety melted away. You were...” Louis pauses in pure awe, reminiscing back. “You were everything. I had never in my life felt that kind of love before.”

“Not even with Daddy?” Lilly wonders, peering up at him.

“It's different.” Louis tries to explain. “Daddy and I love each other so much, but the love we felt for you on that day was a different kind of love, that completely took us by surprise.”

“Did you cry?”

“Oh… _sooo_ much.”

“How very embarrassing.”

“We cried and cried and _cried_.” Louis emphasizes, chuckling softly. “You cried, we cried, there were so many tears. All the time. It got even worse when you got a little older. You know why Daddy calls you Monkey, right?”

Lilly nods proudly. “Because I wouldn’t sit still and I would climb a lot.”

“That is an understatement, Lilly. We couldn’t get you to stay anywhere. You figured out how to climb out of your highchair, out of your car seat, out of your pushcart, out of your crib, out of your playpen.” Louis recounts, shaking his head. “Oh my god, you gave us heart attacks nearly every day. I’m certain my very first grey hair sprouted because of you.”

“You don’t have any grey hair, Papa.” Lilly laughs, reaching a hand up to stroke his soft hair.

“That’s what you think. I pulled them out in frustration over you.” Louis pokes at her tummy warmly. “We even thought you’d never learn to walk because you loved crawling and climbing everywhere. Out of all our babies, you were by far not the easiest one. It could be because you were the first, or maybe because you are you.”

Lilly smiles at that, seeming proud of the fact that she was difficult and unique.

“But we learned a lot from you. By the time Parker came along your daddy and I were like a well oiled machine. You taught us well.” 

“And then…when did you get it?”

Louis pauses in confusion, frowning slightly. “Get what?”

“The tattoo!” She answers obviously, prodding a finger in his side. “ _My_ tattoo.”

“Ohh right.” He laughs lightly. “Um…I’d say about a week after we brought you home? Maybe a little sooner.”

“Can I see it?”

“You always want to see it!”

“Well, because I like it and it’s special to me, Papa!” Lilly declares matter-of-factly.

Louis raises one side of his shirt, lifting his arm to reveal a series of tattoos over the right side of his ribs. Along his side, Louis has four rows of dates, one for each one of his four kids. In a corresponding mirror location on his body, Harry has each of their names scripted along his ribs, aligning perfectly with Louis’ birthdates. 

Lilly traces her small fingers over the first date at the top of the list, trailing lightly over the numbers depicting her birthday “This is the best tattoo you have.”

“The best?”

“Mhmm the very best.” Lilly assures positively. “It’s perfect.”

Louis wraps his arm around his daughter, resting his head on hers affectionately. “Just like you.”


	4. Day Four

** Day 4 **

 

It is approximately 6:37 A.M. and Louis is making pancakes.

He is making pancakes because at 5:18 A.M., Louis was ambushed in his bedroom by two overly eager, bright eyed children jumping wildly on his bed and screaming about how it’s Friday and more importantly, Pancake Friday.  

It’s become a bit of a tradition in their household to have pancakes on Friday mornings. One Friday, when Harry and Louis first got married and moved into this house, they both randomly had the day off together. The day was mostly spent lounging about, doing nothing extraordinary, but they did happen to make the best pancakes known to the modern world. Or as far as Harry and Louis were concerned at least. So, naturally, they decided to attempt to recreate those awe-inspiring pancakes every single week.

And thus sparked the tradition. Ever since then, whether they have to work or not, there are always, always, _always_ pancakes on Fridays. They have never missed a Pancake Friday since it’s conception, even if that meant having breakfast for dinner as late as 11:59 P.M. on Friday night.

Their kids, of course, accepted the simple custom as absolute unbreakable law and have gradually pushed the start of Pancake Friday earlier and earlier in the morning. What was once a late and lazy Friday routine, is now a sacred event commencing bright and early at the crack of dawn.

Which is why it is 6:37 A.M. and Louis is still dressed in pajamas, flipping pancakes on a skillet. Banana chocolate chip pancakes, to be specific. A fan favorite in his household.

“Lilly, are you going to eat my pancakes?” Louis questions through a yawn, looking over at his daughter propped up on the counter next to him, bowl of batter resting between her legs.

Lilly looks down at the freshly made pancakes, scrunching up her nose as they apparently don’t meet her complete satisfaction. “Ummm…”

“Umm?” Louis questions curiously, raising an eyebrow as he flips another cake with the spatula. He looks over his shoulder at Parker sitting patiently at the kitchen table. “How about you, Parks? You’re going to eat my pancakes, right?’’

Parker just gazes innocently with no answer, fingers laced together and resting on the surface of the table.

“Oh come on, don’t do this to me, loves.” Louis sighs, sulking to himself. “It’s too early for my children to betray me like this.”

“We aren’t betraying you! We are right here supporting you make… _those._ ” Lilly points to the skillet, obviously not considering what Louis is making to be pancakes.

“Look, I may not get to showcase my pancake making skills that often, because I always do the eggs and bacon part, but I am perfectly capable.” Louis boasts, flipping another pancake with a hint of difficulty.

“Papa…just…look at them.” Lilly gestures to the lopsided, ill-shaped stack of breakfast cakes.

“What’s wrong with them?” Louis wonders, staring down at the stack. "They don’t look bad. Oddly shaped, yes. But not bad. They’ve got the chocolate chips in ‘em and all that.”

“Well, it is my understanding that pancakes are supposed to be round.” Lilly answers highly, shrugging her shoulders. “Like Daddy’s pancakes.”

“Lilly, you wound me.” Louis gasps, clutching at his heart dramatically. “Where is your Pancake Friday spirit?! This is not what the tradition is about. All pancakes should be loved and appreciated and cherished, regardless of appearance. Not everything has to be perfect when it comes to the art of pancake making.” He asserts wholeheartedly, flipping another pancake on the skillet. “And, besides, Daddy loves my pancakes.” 

“Are you sure he doesn't just love you so he tries to love your pancakes too?” Lilly wonders, lifting a challenging brow.

“No! They are actually good! Not the prettiest, I'll give you that, but it's not all about looks, it's about what is in the heart. The heart of the pancake. That’s what Pancake Friday is all about.”

“ _Oook_ Papa, whatever you say.” Lilly shrugs again, pursing her little lips sassily.

“I’m not raising you to be pancake snob, missy.” Louis says, scrunching up his nose and wagging the spatula at Lilly playfully.

“Papa, that’s not a real thing!” Lilly giggles, popping a spare chocolate chip in her mouth.

“Says who?”

“Says me!”

Randomly, at that precise moment, Parker decides to slide out of his seat at the table, starting to trot away from the kitchen towards the hall without a word.

“Hey buddy, where are you going?” Louis asks, noticing Parkers sudden leave of absence.

Parker pauses looking over his shoulder at Louis. “I gotta go.”

“To the bathroom?” Louis clarifies.

“No.” Parker answers simply. “I gotta go.”

“Go where?”

“I just gotta.”

“Ok? Well, can it at least wait till after breakfast?” Louis tries slowly. “We are about to eat.”

“I gotta go over here _now_.”  Parker blinks at Louis while pointing down the hallway, completely unwilling to budge on his stance. “So…”

“Um…” Louis frowns, narrowing his eyes at the little boy curiously from across the room. “May I ask why?”

“Cuz Papa…” Parker sighs in exasperation. “I gotta go.”

“Yeah, I heard you…but why, Parker?” Louis presses again, genuinely baffled.

“If you gotta know, I gotta go to the store. Over here.” Parker’s small arm is still outstretched, pointing off in a random direction. 

“Ok? For what exactly?”

“I just gotta _go_!” Parker insists again, throwing his head back exasperatedly. Everything is always so urgent with him, everything is a life and death situation.

“Parker, there aren’t any stores in our house.” Lilly says offhandedly, playing with the bowl of leftover pancake batter as she sits on the countertop swinging her feet against the cabinets. “What are you talking about?”

“Stop, Willy.” Parker frowns, sounding actually offended. “Weave me awone. I gotta go.”

“I just don’t understand what you need so urgently from ‘the store’.” Louis wonders in amazement. “Right now. At six in the morning, just as we are about to eat.”

Parker sighs again as if growing more and more agitated by the delay in his plans. “I gotta go to the store to get a giraffe. I gotta go to the store to get carpet. I gotta go to the store to get Disney. I gotta go to the store to get grass.” With each item on his list, his voice grows more and more urgent. “Ok?” 

Louis gazes at Parker in absolute confusion and mild disturbance, not knowing if he should be more concerned or amused. “Umm…well…hmm…” He ponders out loud, trying to figure out how to tell a three-year-old that it’s impossible to “get Disney” at a local convenience store, not to mention a nonexistent store. “I don't think there is a store that has all of those things, bud.” 

“Yes. Yes there is. _My_ store.” Parker insists seriously, raising a finger to point down the hall again. “Over here.”

“Alright?” Louis gives up. There really is no talking Parker out of whatever he is determined to do.

“Yes.” Parker nods curtly and walks away, disappearing down the hall.

“That boy, I swear…” Louis mumbles to himself, pulling out plates from the cabinet. “Lilly, help me set the table, please.”

“Ok, Papa.” Lilly hops off the counter and takes the stack of plates from Louis’ hands.

Louis and Lilly are just finishing up prepping the table, when Parker comes back two minutes later with a deep-set frown etched on his face. Louis observes intriguingly as Parker climbs back into his seat, placing both elbows on the table to support his head.

“The store cwosed.” Parker announces gravely, with a heavy sigh, pouting his lips with his head hung.

“Oh I’m sorry, my love.” Louis consoles, ruffling the toddler’s wild hair. “Better luck next time. I can take you to a real store later if you want.”

“Are you saying my store not real?” Parker looks at Louis with wide accusing eyes.

“Umm...no? I’m sure your store is real to you. I’m just saying there are other stores out there that aren't in your own house and aren’t closed. That’s all.”

“I wike my store. I wike that it here and I not gotta go far.” Parker defends. “Sometimes stores cwosed, Papa. It just wife.”

“Yeah, I guess it is just life, isn’t it?” Louis chuckles. “It is what it is.”

“Fuck.” Parker sighs heavily and Louis is just about to reprimand him when he starts to correct himself. “I mean—suck.”

“Suck?”

“Uncwe Zayn said I gotta say suck instead. Cuz suck not a bad word.” Parker explains innocently.

“I can’t believe this.” Louis laughs in pure incredulity. Harry is going is going to have an absolute field day over this.

Oh joy.

 

||||

 

“My oh my, look who is standing outside my door bright and early on a crisp Friday morning!” Louis pipes cheerfully, holding open the front door with Maddi on his hip. “Neil, what a surprise! I didn’t think you arose from slumber at this early hour.” 

“Excuse me, I'm an adult. A married, working adult. I can be up and out of the house by seven, ok?” Niall defends. “I have the day off and Carly thinks I can apparently learn something from you and help you out in the process.”

“Well, there is always something to be learned from me, mate. But I know, she called me and said since I'm such an exceptional model parent to not one, not two, not three, but _four_ wonderful children, I should pass my wisdom on to you, a hopeless father to be.”

“Oh come off it.” Niall rolls his eyes, brushing past Louis into the house.

“It's alright, you'll learn quick, especially with my methods. Here take Maddi, she's not fussy.” Louis hands the 11-month-old to Niall. “She ate already and had a nap so she will probably just want to play or tell you hi.”

After leaving her father’s arms, Maddi’s expression quickly morphs from bubbly to pouty to whimpering to full on crying in a matter of seconds. Niall stares down awkwardly at the wailing baby poised in his arms.

“Louis…she’s crying.”

“Yes. And how did you figure that one out, Niall?” Louis answers, voice dripping with sarcasm.

“Take her back.” Niall holds a wailing Maddi out to him.

“Nope.” Louis shakes his head. “Lesson number one, if she is crying she obviously wants something and it is now your job to figure out what.”

Niall looks to Maddi then back to Louis then again back to Maddi. “Yeah, ok I figured it out, she wants you.”

“Niall, I thought babies like you.”

“Well, maybe not considering the second I picked one up she started crying!”

“Hi Maddi! Hi baby girl! Hi!” Louis fusses at the crying baby to no avail, rubbing her little socked feet gently. “Hmmm. That always works with her so there must be something wrong. She already slept and ate so that only leaves...”

“Ooh _no_.” Niall shakes his head frantically, holding Maddi at arms length.

“I say the best way to learn is just to fully submerge yourself in it. You know, hands on, active learning. Changing station is in the nursery, by the way.” With that Louis spins on his heel to walk to the kitchen, leaving Niall to figure it out.

“Lou, no please. Help me.” Niall begs, following after Louis with Maddi held out in front of him, tiny legs dangling.

“You got this, mate. Change that nappy, I belie—or rather I _kinda_ believe in you.” Louis gives Niall a little thumbs up for good measure. “I have other kids to attend to.” 

“Louiiiis!” Niall sighs heavily, dragging out his name.

“Alright Maximillian, time for you to eat!” Louis announces, ignoring Niall and scooping up the baby and securing him into his high chair. While getting him settled, Max yanks his dummy out of his mouth and slams it right into Louis’ mouth, always loving to shove things at Louis.

“Oh, well thank you for that, love.” Louis talks around the pacifier dangling from his mouth. “I really appreciate that.”

Max pounds his tiny fists against the high chair table as Louis grabs his baby food and a little blue spoon.

“Oh! What’s this Maxy, what’s this?” Louis coos in his baby voice, holding up a jar of orange banana baby food, one of his favorites.

“Na na!” Max mumbles excitedly, pointing to the container.

“Yeah, that’s right, ba-na-na!” Louis enthuses, sounding out the word.

“Ahh.” Louis sticks his tongue out, opening his mouth wide in an attempt to get the baby to copy his actions. Max does, opening his small mouth for the spoon, although most of the contents end up sliding down his chubby cheeks as he giggles.

“False alarm!” Niall declares excitedly, holding Maddi up in the air like baby Simba in _The Lion King_. “She doesn’t need to be changed, I think she may just not like me today.”

“A child after my own heart, only I dislike you everyday.” Louis teases, throwing Niall a mischievous glance over his shoulder. “And put my baby down before you drop her!”

“Calm down. I got this, alright.” Niall assures, settling down on the floor with Maddi in his lap, picking up a random toy to entertain her with.

“Have I ever told you how great of a story teller Max is? He has a natural gift.” Louis proudly informs Niall, fussing over his youngest son, trying to get him to take another bite.

“Only a few thousand times.”

“Well he is. I could listen to him talk all day.”

Max rattles off in baby talk animatedly waving his tiny fingers, although most of his mumblings are unintelligible blurbs, only a few small words can be vaguely recognized.

“Aahh! Ba hi! Ah! Pop, Pop, Pop!”

“Really? Oh my!” Louis plays along animatedly while trying to get him to open his mouth for the spoon loaded with orangey mush. “And then what happened, little guy?”

Max babbles some more, giggling and squealing to himself and obviously telling quite a story.

“Well, that is so incredibly interesting! I can't believe that happened to you, lad.” Louis holds the small spoon towards his son’s mouth, once again mimicking the motion of widely opening his own mouth. “I’m so terribly sorry to interrupt your absolutely brilliant rendition of your day, but would you mind taking another bite for me, love?” 

Max gurgles a bit more before copying Louis, opening his mouth just wide enough for the spoon to fit in his mouth.

“Oh? You will? Wonderful!” Louis praises Max, sliding the tiny spoon in his mouth. “Ok, please continue with your story.” 

The baby beams, dribbling orange gunk down his face as he burbles on incessantly to Louis again, fingers waving around while he wiggles in his chair.

“So Lou, how did you get so good with kids?” Niall watches, sounding in awe of Louis’ skills.

“Well I've always loved kids, you know that—but really, there’s no big secret, you just kinda have to meet them were they are.”

“And that means?”

“You never have to try too hard.” Louis answers simply, giving Max the last spoonful of baby food. “Most times, no matter what age, they just wanna know that you hear them and you care about what they have to share, no matter how ridiculous or nonsensical it may be. And, also—”

“Hey mate…umm your baby...” Niall interrupts slowly.

“Hmm…what?” Louis calls over his shoulder, dabbing the corners of Max’s orange-stained mouth. “Is Parker naked again? That little boy—I swear I’m raising some version of baby Tarzan.”

“No Lou!” Niall jumps to his feet suddenly. “Your other baby! Is standing, like _standing,_ standing! Proper standing! On her feet! By herself! Is she supposed to do that?”

“Maddi!” Louis spins around in his seat, baby spoon held mid air. “Oh my god, Niall! She's about to start walking! Harry is going to be livid if he misses her first steps. She can't walk now!”

“I can push her down? Or something?” Niall eyes the wobbling baby cautiously.

“And what? Ruin my daughter’s self confidence for life? I don't think so, pal.”  Louis states, dropping the spoon and standing to his feet. “You were supposed to be holding her so this wouldn't happen!”

“She kept wiggling and wanted to get off my lap! So I set her down and she just pushed herself up!”

“Oh god, I promised Harry that he wouldn't miss her first steps!” 

“Call him!” 

“It’s so early over there though.” Louis exhales, scrubbing his fingers through his hair. 

“Will he be more upset that you woke him up or that he completely missed his youngest daughter’s first steps?”

“Right.” Louis nods, sliding his phone out of his back pocket to FaceTime Harry. It rings several times and Louis wonders if Harry will even pick up at such an odd hour in the night.

“Harry! Babe! Oh my god—sorry!” Louis covers mouth and talks softer realizing his voice is most likely blaring through Harry’s speakers in the midst of the night. “Sorry, I know you're asleep, sorry.”

Harry blinks eerily through the screen, looking obviously disoriented and hardly awake. “Lou? What’s…what’s wrong? What is it, are you ok? Are the ki—”

“She’s gonna do it!” Louis exclaims excitedly, right back to full volume. 

“…What?” Harry questions groggily, hair flopping over his tired face.

“And I know we shouldn’t really bet on our kids, but I told you Maddi would walk before Max! I called it!” Louis boasts, rambling on excitedly. “Max is the talker and Maddi is the walker, I knew it! I win!” 

“She's walking?! Maddi is walking right now!?” Harry bolts upright, eyes suddenly wide awake. “Oh my god! I'm missing my child's first steps, I knew this would happen!”

“I blame Niall.” Louis attributes instantly. “As soon as he came over things started to happen.”

“Hey, it’s not my fault that I inspire motivation.” Niall defends, although he sounds more proud than remorseful.

“Shut up, Niall.” Harry snarls, obviously not in the mood for his antics today. “I can’t believe I’m missing it!”

“I mean…she hasn't really done it yet, she's just kinda like…teetering in the middle of the family room.” Louis explains, watching their daughter. “Aww she’s so cute Haz, she’s bouncing and bending her little knees, it’s sooo adorable.” 

“Show me, Louis! Damn!” Harry demands impatiently, waving his hands wildly through the camera.

Louis flips the phone camera from front face to the back, filming Maddi wobbling around. “Ok, ok!” 

“Oh my god, look at her.” Harry gasps, one hand over his mouth.

“Maddi! Look!” Louis turns the phone screen around to show her Harry’s beaming face. He crouches down on the floor a few paces away from her. “Look, it’s Daddy!”

“Hi Maddibear! Hi baby!” Harry coos, waving at her through the screen.

“Hiii!” The baby squeals with delight, clapping her tiny hands together as she recognizes her dad’s face, rocking back and forth. “Hi, hi, hi!”

“Come to Daddy, sweetheart.” Harry encourages gently. 

Louis sits down with phone as he and Harry cheer their daughter on together, applauding every single movement she makes. Maddi slowly starts to take her first steps, all heavy feet and flailing arms, laughing and smiling as she tumbles her way into Louis’ arms.

“Yay! Look at you go!” Louis praises, blowing on her chubby cheeks only making the baby ecstatically squeal more.

“Aww she’s always so happy.” Harry dotes.

Louis nuzzles her tiny nose. “Our little sunshine baby.”

“I just want to hug her and hold her.” Harry voice breaks and he lets out a sad little whimper. “I miss her.”

“She misses you too.” Louis comforts, speaking gently. “She asks for you all the time, H.”

“Mate, is your husband…crying?” Niall asks Louis incredulously. “You get softer with age, my friend. I mean, you were already as soft as they come to start with so…”

“Louis, why did you let him into our house?” Harry asks, scowling at Niall, still sniffling.

“Honestly, he just showed up unannounced, babe. He is helping though. Kinda.”

“Well, on a positive note, it’s a good thing that twins come in sets. It's like you'll get to watch it all over again with the other one, almost like you didn't miss a thing, am I right?”

“Niall—god, shut up!” Harry hisses at him again. “Each of my kids are special and I care about each of their developmental endeavors individually and I will cry and sob over every single thing they do for the rest of my life. Leave me and my emotional ass alone.”

“Geez, touchy touchy.” Niall holds up his palms in defense.

“You’ll get it when your kid is born, just wait.” Louis explains, smiling at his baby daughter. “It’s like everything they do is completely magical and you’re just so proud to witness it that it almost hurts and you never ever want to miss a single second of it for the rest of your life.”

“Exactly...” Harry whimpers, starting up a whole new series of sobs.  
“And I’m missing it…”

Louis flicks his eyes down to his screen witnessing an emotionally distressed Harry. “Hey Ni, watch them for me, yeah? I’m just gonna…” Louis points to his phone.

Niall nods in understanding. “Sure thing.”

Louis takes the call into his study, closing the door behind him. “Harry? Are you ok, love? I’m so sorry you weren’t here to see Maddi walk for the first time and I know that—”

“Did you guys have pancakes for breakfast?” Harry asks suddenly in a weak voice, lifting his head showing his big wet eyes. His lips quiver slightly as he talks, tone fluctuating to match his emotional state. “It’s P-Pancake Friday…”

“Yeah of course, babe.” Louis nods, tilting his head as he watches Harry carefully through the screen. He looks fragile and vulnerable and Louis knows very well that his husband never does well on his own, getting easily homesick. “Banana Chocolate Chip this time, your favorite. But apparently you are the ultimate pancake chef and no one can replace you and—”

At that Harry starts to full on weep again, shoulders shaking as he drops his head in his hands.

“Harry?” Louis tries softly.

“I’m s-sorry, I don’t know why I’m still c-crying, I can’t stop crying. I don’t…I d-don’t know.” Harry sobs, sounding almost delirious as his voice oscillates uncontrollably. It’s almost hard for Louis to fully understand him as he attempts to talk through his tears. “I didn’t think it’d bother me this much but it does, Lou. It does and I don’t like the feeling of not being there. It’s everything at once and I...I can’t stop crying.”

“Oh H, I wish I was there to hold you.”

“I n-need to c-come home.” Harry hiccups tragically. He’s ugly crying now, all snot and red eyes and puffy skin and stuttering shaking breath. He looks exhausted, physically, mentally, and emotionally drained, like all of his emotions are overly sensitized and raw due to the stripping effect of the early morning. “Louis, I want to come home. I need to. My baby girl is walking and I missed it. I missed Pancake Friday and I’ve never ever missed a Friday _ever_ and, and I—”

“Harry, love, I think it’s really late and you’re obviously tired and emotional about Maddi. And it’s a lot, yeah? I think you should try to go back to sleep, babe. It’s not even 3 A.M over there, you must be so exhausted. Please go back to sleep for me.” Louis asks gently. “Please.”

“I can’t, I’m too lonely and the bed feels so empty and foreign. I hate it.” Harry swipes harshly at his eyes, attempting to get himself to stop crying but it serves to be futile. “I miss you, Lou. And I miss Lilly and Parker and Maddi and Max, I miss all of you and it’s all I feel right now.”

“I know babe, I know.” Louis nods sympathetically. “I miss you too, so much. We all do, we talk about you all the time. That’s basically all we do is talk about you.”

“Really?” Harry sniffles and he sounds so young and helpless, blinking openly through the screen with remnant tears streaking his cheeks. Louis doesn’t know if it’s just the late night exhaustion talking, or the triggered emotions, but Harry’s miserable expression tugs at his heart impossibly.

“Yes baby, all the time. It’s not the same without you, you know that.” Louis comforts softly. “How about I sit here with you until you fall asleep? Ok, Haz? Would that help?”

Harry nods slowly, rubbing his eyes again, looking like a sad lost puppy without a home. “But…Lou?”

“Yes, love?”

“Can you talk to me? Tell me about what’s happened since I left. Everything you can think of. I want to know it all. Even the small things.”

“Ok, I can do that, baby. Just lay down for me, yeah?” 

Harry lays down and Louis begins to tell him all about what he’s missed including all the random and weird things their kids said. Louis’ reenactments make Harry smile softly, some of Parker’s antics even get him to let out a little laugh before he slowly starts to drift off to sleep. His heavy eyes flutter closed and his breathing evens out as a peacefulness falls over his features like a gentle blanket. Louis talks for a little longer to be certain that Harry has truly fallen asleep.

“Night, H. I love you, babe.”

||||

 

When Louis comes back to the living room he is pleasantly surprised to see that Zayn has come over again and is entertaining Lilly and Parker with a card trick.

“Papa, we’re hungry.” Lilly announces when she spots her father.

“Did you not just have pancakes?”

“That was _hours_ ago.” Lilly complains gravely, walking to Louis.

“We hungry!” Parker jumps, also running over to Louis, unsurprisingly only in his underwear.

“We’re hungry!” Niall echoes, utilizing proper grammar. He strolls over from the kitchen holding Maddi and Max in each arm.

“Not you, you’re not my kid. I don’t care if you’re hungry.” Louis eyes Niall flatly.

“Let’s take ‘em out for food.” Zayn suggests, standing to his feet from the couch. “I’m sure they’d love to go out.”

“Sounds like a good idea to me.” Niall agrees. “Where do you guys wanna go?”

“McDonald’s!” Lilly announces excitedly.

“Yaaaay!” Parker cheers, skipping about the living room happily.

“Please, Papa! Pleeeaaaasssee!” Lilly hugs his legs as she begs, looking up at him.

“Daddy hates when I take you there.” Louis reminds, brushing her hair from her face.

“He never has to know!” Niall tries, handing off the twins to Zayn.

“Niall…” Louis huffs, rolling his eyes. “You can take yourself to McDonald’s.”

“Well, I wanna go with my favorite little munchkins.” Niall says, kneeling down to wrap one arm around Parker and Lilly.

“Really Papa, we don’t have to tell Daddy.” Lilly advocates, ever the little swindler.  “Pleaaasseee!”

“Pweeeaassee!” Parker begs, ducking under Niall to run small circles around Louis’ legs.

“Ok, ok.” Louis concedes slowly, causing his kids as well as Niall to cheer deafeningly. “But for the record this was not my idea.”

They pile into the sleek black mini van; Zayn in the third row sandwiched between Parker and Lilly, the twins’ car seats buckled next to each other in the middle row and Niall up front with Louis.

“The van really suits you, Lou.” Niall comments with a teasing smirk, once the vehicle is en route to McDonald’s. “Look at how easily you work that wheel.”

“Oi shut up, bub!” Louis reaches over to flick Niall’s arm, one hand still on the steering wheel. “You’ll have your own mini van soon enough. Mark my words.”

“It’s like a souped-up space ship.” Niall laughs, running a hand along the glossy dashboard.

“Look,” Louis starts, baring a quick glance to Niall. “I have four kids, all with different agendas, accessories and carry on baggage that needs to all somehow fit into one vehicle. My sports car days have long left me like they are about to leave you.”

“Yeah, ok…but you have more than one car and you _choose_ to drive the van.” Niall counters, raising an eyebrow. “I only ever see Harry drive the SUV and you literally choose to drive the space van.”

“It’s extremely fuel efficient, ok?” Louis endorses flippantly, getting defensive. “And honestly, it’s got tons of storage space and leg room so…I don’t exactly mind driving it. Sue me.”

“Oh, I knew it!” Niall starts to cackle harder in his seat, leaning against the window. “I knew you secretly loved having a van!”

“It’s not a secret. This van was literally called the Swagger Wagon in the commercial.” Louis informs with his head held unnecessarily high.

Niall barks out another sharp laugh. “Is that why you bought it? Because I don’t think that scores you any cool points.”

“Well, what if I said I know the whole Swagger Wagon rap by heart?”

“No, god please tell me you don’t.” Niall pauses, gazing at Louis with wide disbelieving eyes.

“He does!” Lilly confirms from the back row, eavesdropping.

“Louis...” Niall sighs shamefully, shaking his head.

“What?! It’s quality marketing!” Louis squawks, lifting an excited hand from the wheel. “I even have the song downloaded on the stereo system.”

“You have got to be joking!” Niall blurts incredulously, tossing his hands up.

“Well, it’s kinda a duet between Harry and I, featuring my lil’ crew back there, but I’ll do my best for you, Ni.” Louis winks, throwing up a signature west side hand gesture before diving right into Toyota’s timeless [Sienna S.E. rap](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pUG3Z8Hxa5I&spfreload=10). “ _I roll hard through the streets and the cul-de-sacs, proud parent of an honor roll student, jack._ _I got a swing in the front, a treehouse in the back. My #1 Dad mug says, Yeah I’m the mack.”_

Niall stares at Louis in total disbelief, jaw dropped, looking utterly caught off guard by the legitimacy of not only the song, but Louis’ memorization of it.

“ _I’m the world’s best nurse when my kids get sick, I make a mean gel-mold, I perfected my tricks.”_ Louis recites easily to the beat, enjoying himself far too much. _“Back when, I used to party as a college chick, now I’m cruisin’ to their playdates lookin’ all slick…”_ Louis then looks up to eye his daughter through the rearview mirror. “Take it away, Lils!”

“ _In my swagger wagon, yeah the Swagger Wagon_!” Lilly shouts the chorus happily from the back of the van, just as excited as Louis. “ _It’s the Swagger Wagon, I got the pride in my ride_.” Little Parker sings along as best he can with his sister.

“I’ve never been more confused by this family.” Niall frowns, watching the Tomlinson clan curiously.

“ _I love hangin’ with my daughter sippin’ tea, keep my pinky up_.” Louis starts up again, lifting his pinky finger up and shoving it in Niall’s face as he drives. “ _All the drawings on my fridge sport an A+. I’m an awesome parent…”_

“ _Right_!” Lilly follows right on time to the downbeat.

“… _And it’s apparent_.” Louis continues, bopping along to the song.

“ _True!_ ” Parker adds right on time, kicking his feet in his car seat.

“ _And in this house there’s no motherfather swearin!”_ Louis belts out.

“Ok, well that’s obviously a lie.” Zayn comments, with a knowing smirk.

“Hush, Zayn! No one asked.” Louis grins behind the wheel, eyes crinkled. “Well, it goes on obviously, but I’ll spare you, I guess. Especially since it’s a lot better with my other half.”

“Daddy’s part talks about his cupcake skills!” Lilly announces proudly.

“Oh bummer, too bad I didn’t get to experience the full magic of _that_.” Niall awes sarcastically, eyebrows raised.

“Your loss, really.” Louis shrugs, pulling the van into an open parking space and putting the gear in park.

“You and Harry should make your own music video.” Niall suggests.

“Right?!” Louis agrees excitedly. “I keep telling him that but—”

“I was joking.” Niall interrupts flatly.

“If my kids weren’t in the car right now, I’d have some choice motherfather words for you.” Louis threatens, turning in the driver’s seat to glare at Niall. “Get out of my Swagger Wagon, Neil.”

They all file out of the vehicle, heading into McDonald’s. Louis treats Zayn and Niall for all of their help with the kids and they all enjoy a yummy, if not so healthy, meal. Afterwards, since they are already out, Louis drags them all to Tesco’s to pick up a few groceries to survive the last few days of the week, promising they can go for ice cream on the way home.

Once they get back home, Niall and Zayn stay long enough to help put each of the kids to bed, unsurprisingly none of them put up much of a protest after having such a full day. However, the real test will be which ones of them actually stay in bed. Louis already has a pretty good idea which child won’t stay down for long.

 

||||

 

“Why do you even bother pretending like you are going to sleep in your bed when I tuck you in?” Louis doesn’t even need to look up to know who is barging into his room once again at the eleventh hour.

“I was never pretending Papa, you simply assumed.” Lilly shrugs as she marches further into her father’s bedroom, plush monkey clutched to her chest.

“Oh Lilly, Lilly, Lilly.” Louis sighs, shaking his head fondly as he sets down the book he was reading, adjusting his glasses. “What ever am I going to do with you?”

“Well...you could tell me a story.” She suggests coyly, like it’s a completely new concept.

“I had a feeling you were going to say that.”

“So…since you won’t tell me any more about me—”

“We covered everything about you last night!” Louis contests abruptly.

“Debatable.” Lilly brushes off with pursed lips as if not totally convinced.

“You are really something else, Lilly.” Louis chuckles, eyes soft.

Lilly giggles happily. “So now it’s back to you and Daddy.”

“Oh, _here_ we go.” Louis chuckles sarcastically as Lilly crawls onto the bed, wiggling under the covers next to him.

“Ok so…what I really want to know is…well…what was your best date with Daddy? Like the very best date! But…you know, before you got married, when you guys were interesting.” 

Louis mocks offended. “Are you saying we are boring now?”

“Noooo! I’m saying that I know you now so I can see for myself.” Lilly corrects. “I wanna know about before, when I wasn’t around yet.”

“You are very interested in my relationship with your father.” Louis gathers suspiciously. “Aren't kids your age supposed to be completely grossed out by their parents?”

“You are gross. I just want to know _why_ you are so gross.” Lilly explains. “And I think that every kid should know their parents’ love story. I just want to know when you realized you loved Daddy.”

“Now you’ve completely changed the question, love.” Louis grins down at his daughter warmly. “Are you asking me when I figured out I loved him or are you asking what our best date was?”

“Umm?” Lilly ponders, touching a contemplative finger to her chin. “Which one is a better story?” 

“Well…” Louis starts, tilting his head slightly. “I'll let you in on a little secret. They are the same story.”

“What?” Lilly gasps, genuinely shocked by this news, mouth ajar.

“The night I figured out that I loved Daddy was also our very best date.” Louis confesses. “Or at least for me, it was. Daddy may have a different answer, but in my book it all went down the exact same night.”

She perks up in anticipation. “Well, now I have to know! Tell me about it, Papa!”

“Ok, ok, settle down, babes.” Louis grins, leaning back against the headboard. “Daddy and I had only been officially dating about a few months or so at the time, so it was all still kinda new and uncharted and such…”

 

~

 

“Sorry I'm late, I was developing pictures in the darkroom for my winter portfolio and I guess I lost track of time. And I hate being tardy to things, you know. It’s dreadfully tacky and rude.” Harry rambles apologetically, leaning in to kiss Louis’ cheek in greeting. “I mean, I set an alarm and everything, but…like, I accidentally set it for A.M. instead of P.M. and—well anyways, I’m really _really_ sorry I’m late. I’ll make it up to you, I promise.”

“Yeah…” Louis sighs blankly, not saying much as he holds a thick blanket around his shoulders with one hand, a half empty bottle of whiskey in the other, propping the door open to his room open with his foot. Louis knows that his short blasé answer and dead eyes are obviously out of character, but he can’t seem to find the will to do anything about it.

Harry pulls back, eyeing Louis curiously. “So…are you ready for our date? Because…you don’t look…ready?”

Louis remains silent, expression seeming to be caught in a far off daze. He can’t seem to focus his gaze on Harry’s concerned face standing before him.

“Louis, are you alright?” Harry frowns, brows etched with worry as he begins to closer inspect Louis. “You don't look like yourself.” 

“Hmm?” Louis blinks slowly into a semblance of reality, adjusting his blanket cape tighter around his body. He shakes his head a few times, limp fringe flopping across his forehead. “Umm…Harry, look I'm so sorry…I just—I really can't go out right now and I—I’m sorry.”

Harry’s face instantly twists towards a mix of uncertain rejection and unexpected hurt.

“Oh! It’s not you. It’s not. I promise.” Louis rushes out before Harry takes it personally, touching a gentle hand to the dip of Harry’s waist. “It’s never you, H. It’s—it’s nothing.”

“It’s obviously not nothing. You reek of alcohol and you look sad.” Harry observes, gently taking the bottle from Louis’ hand and setting it on the coffee table. “What happened? What's wrong?”

“You look bloody gorgeous though.” Louis offers, in an almost embarrassingly weak attempt to avoid the question.

Harry, of course, blows off Louis’ feeble compliment in favor of further inspecting his boyfriend. He cups the side of Louis’ face softly, searching his eyes. “Louis.” He urges simply, multiple questions embedded into the tone of his voice.

“I don't want to talk about it. Not right now.” Louis casts his gaze down to his socked feet despite Harry’s hand holding his cheek. “I can’t.”

“Are you ok?”

“No, my life is probably over.” Louis sighs heavily, eyes still locked on the floor.

“Please tell me what's wrong, Lou.” Harry lifts Louis’ face back up to meet his eyes. “Let me help you.”

“You can't help me, Harry.” 

“I can try.” Harry caresses his face. “I am your boyfriend after all.” 

Louis remains silent, doing everything in his power to avoid eye contact with Harry despite his palm cupped to his cheek. Harry doesn’t press any further, just gazing quietly at Louis in that Harry kind of way. He’s always had that way about him, something that persistently pulls on Louis, always urging him to spill his soul even if he doesn’t particularly want to.

Louis sighs, bouncing nervously from foot to foot, suddenly having an overabundance of unwanted anxious energy. “…I didn't pass…” He mumbles lowly, so low that he’s not sure Harry even heard him.

Harry, of course, doesn’t miss a single beat. “You didn't pass what, Lou?”

“I didn't pass the test that essentially makes or breaks my fucking law career. That test is everything, I’ll never be able to practice without it and I…I _failed_...” Louis announces heavily, breaking away from Harry in a rush and turning to crash and curl up on the couch, pulling his blanket around his entire body.

Harry is at his side again in an instant, hovering worriedly. “Oh Lou, babe I’m so sorry. It’s going to be ok an—”

“No, don’t do that.” Louis warns, peaking out from under the heavy blanket. “Spare me the ‘it’s going to be fine’ speech please. If it’s all the same to you, I’d rather not go there. I already had a good cry about it before you got here and now I just want to lie here and reflect on my failures.”

“But it’s not all the same to me.” Harry answers gently, placing a hand on Louis’ blanketed shoulder. “Lou, you should know that—”

“Please don’t, Haz.” Louis practically begs despondently, yanking the blanket up to completely cover his face.

“Ok, ok…I’ll stop.” Harry surrenders quietly, dropping his hands to his sides as he stands a few steps from the couch. He sways on his feet awkwardly for several moments, hands stuffed deep into his front pockets. “Um…well…are you hungry? Do you want anything to eat?”

“No.”

“Um…how about a cuppa? Tea soothes the soul, as you always love to say.” Harry tries again in an attempt to be helpful. “I could—”

“No.” Louis interjects, reaching to the coffee table to take a long swig of whiskey straight from the bottle before covering his face under the blanket again. 

Harry stays completely silent for awhile and even though Louis can’t see him under the thick threads of his blanket, he can practically feel Harry biting anxiously on his lower lip as he stares unblinkingly at Louis’ unmoving body cuddled into the couch.

“Right. Ok, get up.” Harry announces all of a sudden, clapping his hands with sudden determination.

“What?” Louis huffs unenthusiastically from under his cocoon.

“Get up, we’re going out.”

“No Harry, I don’t want to go anywhere right now, just let me wallow alone in depressed, self-loathing peace.” 

“Get up, Louis!” Harry urges, undeterred.

“No, noooo, nooooo.” Louis murmurs, cradling his bottle of dark liquor, curled up in a fetal position.

“You’re coming with me.” Harry asserts, hovering directly over Louis.

“Where?” Louis peaks his head out slightly from beneath the blanket.

“Out.”

“Out, _where_?”

“Just shut up and come on.” Harry instructs resolutely, grabbing Louis’ hand to forcibly remove him from the couch.

“I’m not even dressed!” Louis whines, yanking his hand away. “I’ve got on fuzzy socks and ratty, old sweats. The only thing I’m dressed for is drinking myself into a deep sad coma.”

“It doesn’t matter what you’re wearing—”

“No, it does matter and I’m not fucking going anywhere!” Louis barks, throwing the shield of his blank back angrily. “Sorry, I don't want to be rude or snap at you, H but I feel like a complete and utter fuckup and I really don't want to go out.” Louis flops around on the couch to get readjusted, curling in against himself. “Honestly, I don’t want to move. Or think. Or even think about moving.” 

“Get off your ass. Let’s go.” Harry demands, even more determined. “I’m not just going to let you lay there and feel worse about yourself while you give yourself alcohol poisoning.”

“Ugh Harry _please,_ just leave me alone. Go home.” Louis burrows further under his blanket, only the top of his head visible. “I’ll call you or something tomorrow. Maybe. I don’t know. Who knows? Whatever.”

 

~

 

“I was a bit of a spoiled twat to your dad that night, I’ll admit that and I’ve of course apologized since. But in my humble defense, it kinda felt like the world was ending.” Louis explains to his daughter. “I didn’t know what to make of anything.”

“Like how I felt when I didn’t make the gymnastic team last year and I was really really _really_ sad?” Lilly asks, frowning a little. “I didn’t know what to make of it either.”

“Yes, exactly like that.” Louis nods, hand on her back. “It just doesn’t feel very good at first.”

“Hmm.” Lilly nods in understanding. “So how does you feeling sad equal you knowing you loved Daddy?”

“I’m getting to it, love!”

 

~

 

“Louis, let’s _go!”_

“Nooooo.” Louis drones in muffled monotone.  “I’m not going. I like my safety blanket. It’s warm in here. No more harm can come to me if I stay right here wrapped up in this blanket. Leave me here, Harry. Leave me here to die. Die in my safe, warm, blanket.”

“Bring the damn blanket with you!” Harry uses his larger size to his advantage, forcibly swooping Louis up and over his shoulders, still wrapped in the blanket as Harry starts to carry him out of the building kicking and screaming in protest.

“Harry, what are you doing?! Put me down! Harry!” Louis shouts angrily, beating against Harry’s back. They earn several curious glances from fellow students passing by, but Louis couldn’t care less, continuing to make as much of a scene as possible. “I demand that you put me down right now! Harry! Goddamn you, Harry Styles!”

“Oh, hey Ed.” Harry pauses momentarily in the hall to greet their ginger-headed friend passing by.

Ed waves then points to Louis’ kicking leg’s over Harry’s shoulder. “Hey Harry, uh…what’s with—”

“Ed! Oh my god! Help me! _Please_!” Louis pleads, face swaying behind Harry’s back as he tries to twist his way around to see Ed. “I’m being kidnapped!” He slaps Harry hard on the ass. “Unhand me this instant, you fiend!”

“Um…” Ed just stares at the pair, hopelessly confused by the situation.

“Excuse him, he’s had a very long day.” Harry explains, tightening his grip on Louis’ squirming thighs as he starts to casually continue walking to the exit. “Well we gotta go, great seeing you, mate. Hang out soon, yeah?”

“No! Ed! Eddie! Buddy! Friend! _Pal_!” Louis grabs on to the collar of Ed’s shirt as they pass by him, gripping him desperately while still being carried off. “Save me! Harry is abducting me to fuck knows where! You gotta help me!”

“You two are such a weird couple.” Ed frowns peculiarly, shrugging him off as another one of their antics.

“Ed! No! Seriously, my boyfriend is out to get me! EDDD!” Louis continues to shout even after they’ve exited the door, Ed no longer in sight. Refusing to give up, Louis redirects his efforts back to Harry, slamming against him again. “Harold, put me down, put me down, put me _down_!”

Harry, of course, ignores Louis’ protests completely, navigating the parking lot to his car undeterred. He does put Louis down eventually, in the passenger seat of his crummy bucket of a car that Louis always claimed smells like an odd mix of lavender, old leather, and oil.

Louis huffs, arms crossed glaring at Harry vengefully in his seat. While Harry starts the car and pulls out of the lot, seemingly unaffected by Louis’ death glares.

“So you really are kidnapping me, wow. I should have known it would come to this one day.” Louis sulks bitterly, only half joking as he pulls his sacred blanket tighter around his small frame.

“No, I’m not kidnapping you, Lou.” Harry assures easily with an amused smile, gaze trained on the road before them.

“Then…” Louis starts slowly in bewilderment, squinting his eyes as he looks around. “Where are we going, Harry? And why am I going? Because you have yet to enlighten me and I’m growing more and more agitated by the second.”

“Nowhere.”

“What?” Louis gasps in disbelief, unblinking.

Harry tosses a bright mischievous look at Louis, carefree smile dancing across his pink lips. “We don’t need to go anywhere specific for this. It’s more about the journey, you know?” He winks before turning his attention back to the wheel.

“What. The. Fuck!” Louis bursts, extremely agitated and emotionally stressed. “Get me out of this damn car! Take me home now! I’m having a horrible fucking day and you hijacked my evening of drunk self-loathing and to drive _nowhere_!?”

“Just shut up for a second, alright?” Harry says calmly, placing a hand on Louis’ thigh. “You’re very upset about what happened, I get that and you have every right to be angry, but chill out, babe. Let me help you, ok?”

Louis huffs defiantly, fuming in his seat and pulling his blanket over his head but reluctantly not speaking anymore. At that Harry starts fiddling with the old temperamental stereo, pushing a burned CD into the timeworn disc player.

“Ok, so when I’ve had a really shit day and everything bloody sucks, I just turn this song on, with the volume all the way up and scream the lyrics as loud as I can. I block everything else out and I—I don’t know? I pour my heart out, I guess.” Harry explains, adjusting the stereo. “And afterwards I always feel a million times better. Sometimes I’ll just keep it on repeat for hours and hours until I get everything out, all the hurt or frustration or anger or whatever it is, I let it all go.”

“I'm just not in the mood to fucking sing, Harry.” Louis grunts bitterly, only the shadows of his face visible through the hood of his blanket.

“Come on Lou, it feels really good. It’s not just singing, it’s therapeutic. Just like—shout it with me. You'll feel so much better, I promise. Trust me.”

Louis offers no further commentary on the matter, choosing to remain silent as Bon Jovi’s [_Livin’ On A Prayer_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bXsmGSnq3lE&spfreload=10) plays through the car stereo.

“You said you already cried about it, yeah? Now scream about it. Just let it go.”

Louis continues to stay mute just glaring at Harry venomously, channeling his inner Sith Lord.

“I'm just going to keep the song on loop until you sing with me.” Harry threatens, leaning into him with a challenging smile.

“No, you wouldn’t.”

“Yeah, I really would.”

“No.” Louis purses his lips in defiance, chin held high.

“Ok. Suit yourself.” Harry shrugs easily, turning the volume up as loud as the stereo will allow and singing happily to himself, bopping along. By the time the song is rounding its third time playing on loop, with Harry practically screaming in his ear, Louis has had enough.

“Ugh fuck! _Fine_!” Louis huffs, flipping his blanking off irately. “ _Whoa, we’re halfway there…”_ He sings unenthusiastically, or more like speaks flatly in monotone, not putting forth even an ounce of effort.

“No, no, Louis, give it more feeling!” Harry encourages, giving him a little nudge. “Sing it out!”

“ _Whoa, we’re halfway there_.” Louis grumbles again, singing only a fraction better. “ _Whoa,_ _livin’ on a prayer.”_

“No! Really sing it! Give it everything!”

Louis sulks, rolling his eyes before he starts singing little louder. “ _Whoa, we’re halfway there_. _Whoa,_ _livin’ on a prayer._ ”

“Louder, Louis! Louder! Let it all go! Come on, you can do it!” Harry cheers, like some kind of hyped up coach on the sidelines.

Louis doesn’t know exactly why he does it, whether to please his boyfriend or because he has nothing better to do or nothing to lose or maybe even because he kinda wants to scream a bit, but which ever way, he takes in a deep breath before belting out the chorus with everything he has inside. “ _Whoaaaa we’ve got to hold on, ready or not! You live for the fight when that’s all that you’ve got!”_

“Yes! Yeah, that’s it Lou!” Harry applauds at the wheel, smiling wide.

“ _Whoaaa! We’re halfway there! Whoooaaaa! Livin’ on a prayer!_ ” Louis shouts as loud as he possibly can along with the blasting car speakers.

“ _Take my hand and we will make it, I swear!”_   Harry grabs Louis hand and squeezes it meaningfully as he screams the chorus out with him. “ _Whoaaa! Whoooaaa! Livin’ on a prayer!”_

With every verse, Louis feels a little lighter, his heart feels a little less heavy and his head feels a bit clearer. Belting each line out with Harry’s hand squeezed in his has an oddly cathartic feel, something Louis arguably needed desperately, but didn’t even know it.

The song dies out and Harry pulls the car along the side of the road as they catch their breath from screaming so loud, panting heavily. The windows of the car are almost completely fogged up, body heat radiating through the vehicle.

Harry turns slowly in his seat to face Louis after a few moments of breathy silence. “Look, today sucked. Really fucking sucked and it's not fair and I'm sorry that you didn't pass your test the first time and I wish with all my heart that I could fix that for you. But you are better than this, Louis. You can take it again and beat it. Or you can decide to do something else entirely, but either way I support you and I believe in you and I know just how smart and driven you are. You’re the most brilliant boy I know and one test doesn't determine the rest of your life and it certainly doesn't diminish anything about you. You aren’t a fuckup or a disappointment or a failure, in fact you are anything but. You’ll always be perfect to me.” Harry says genuinely, taking Louis’ hand in his once again. “So yeah…today sucked, but tomorrow will be better. And if it's not, we can get right back in this car and drive around singing and screaming until the tank is empty and we are completely voiceless and nothing else matters.”

Louis smiles softly, meeting Harry’s eyes appreciatively. He doesn’t quite know what to say in response to that. Words don’t feel like enough and he feels like he might cry again, but he’s already cried so much today as it is. All Louis knows for sure is that he is so incredibly lucky to have this beautiful boy in his life and he never wants to go through anything without him by his side. “Thank you, Harry.”

“Yeah Lou, ‘course. I’m here for you. Always.” Harry squeezes Louis’ hand meaningfully, the charged expression in his eye matching Louis’. “Now from the top!” 

 

~

 

“And we were screaming at the top of our lungs for hours with the windows down, our hair blowing everywhere and…I don't know…it was perfect.” Louis recalls, sounding in awe of the memory. “We couldn't stop laughing and he was just so sweet and he cheered me up and made me forget all my problems and worries and just live. Take a breath and live.” 

“It was such a simple date that wasn't planned and we didn't even do much besides belt out lyrics and drive around all night, eating junk food from fast food restaurants, but it was just me and him and it felt unreal, like we were invincible. And I looked at him, smiling and laughing, all windblown hair and dimpled cheeks and I just...I couldn't stop looking at him, he took my breath away. And he made me feel so alive and carefree, but yet so calm and safe at the same time and I just thought that I could do this forever with him. And I knew right then and there that I had completely fallen for him. That I really loved him.” Louis smiles softly, carried away by his own reminiscent ramblings. “And I have ever since.”

“Papa, you’re blushing.” Lilly grins, poking at Louis’ flushed cheeks.

“I am, aren’t I?” Louis lets out a happy little laugh, touching his face. “Well, I did say that it meant a lot to me.”

“I like that story.” Lilly decides with a soft smile, before looking back up at Louis curiously. “But…when did you _tell_ him that you loved him?”

“Oh Lils, that's a whooole different story.” 

“What? Papa, that’s not fair! You have to tell me!”

“I gave you the story you asked for. That was when I realized I loved Daddy. You didn’t ask when I actually told him that I loved him.”

“Ugh!” Lilly huffs, throwing her head back. “You’re impossible, Papa.”

“Hey! I just did what you asked, love.” Louis grins knowingly. “And I’m surprised you stayed awake this time. You usually pass out before I finish.”

“Well, it was a good story!”

“Of course it was, all of my stories are good!” Louis boasts.

“You know if Daddy told that story, I bet he would have spent thirty minutes giving me a backstory on Bon Jovi and the whole history behind the song.”

“You aren’t wrong.” Louis laughs agreeably, nodding his head.

“And it would have taken hours to get through it!”

“That’s your Daddy.” Louis smiles fondly. “A very firm believer in the fine details.”


	5. Day Five

** Day 5 **

 

“Harry, I just wanted to say—thank you…um for the other day.” Melissa starts slowly, standing a bit awkwardly in front of him in the lobby of their hotel. Although her attire screams hardnosed professional, her current demeanor comes off as vulnerable.

Harry nods easily, hands stuffed in his pockets. “Oh yeah…you’re welcome.”

“Not just for going through with it, but for—you know…what you said to my parents…” She confesses genuinely. “It really meant a lot...”

 “I hope I didn’t…um…overstep or anything—with your parents, I mean.” Harry scratches at the back of his neck. “I just wouldn’t want my own daughters to ever have to feel like that so—”

“They could never.” Melissa rushes to say, and it’s probably the sweetest thing his boss has ever said to him. “If my parents were even half of the parents you and Louis are, I don’t even know where I’d be, but I know I’d be incredibly lucky. You’re a really good person Harry, I’m honored to work with you.”

“Ooh noo…are we becoming friends, _Lemon Drop_?” Harry teases with a crooked smile.

“Shut up!” Melissa shoves him, laughing a little at the nickname.

“Well, at least you can laugh at it now, that’s progress.” Harry chuckles. “You know, we really should try to get you dating or something.”

“What?”

“Yeah! You can’t lean on me forever. You’re not old and you’re still attractive, objectively speaking, I mean. Like in a very platonic neutral, completely objective—”

“I get it.” Melissa interjects.

“Ok. Well, I’m just saying I make a pretty good wingman if you ever need help getting out there or something, I don’t know.” Harry offers casually with a shrug.

“How tempting.”

“No pressure. Just a thought.”

“Thank you, I appreciate it. Anyway, I’ve got to run…final papers to sign and whatnot.” Her business persona returns as she extends her hand out for a shake. “But, excellent work this week, Director Tomlinson.”

Harry takes her hand, giving it a professional shake, a bit surprised that she finally used his married name. “Same to you, Executive Henderson.”

 

||||

  

“Papa, will you pway with me?” Parker requests, tugging at Louis’ hand and looking up at him with wide pleading eyes.

“Yes of course, what are we going to play?”

Parker pulls Louis into his bedroom, Louis going easily. “I show you. It my speciaw game.”

“Ok. And what is this special game of yours called?”

“Animaw crackers and gold fishies!” Parker announces proudly, hands thrown up in the air.

Louis chuckles amusedly. “That sounds more like a snack than a game.”

“No.” Parker disagrees with a shake of his messy curls. “It my game. I show you.”

“Alright, I’m ready.” Louis claps his hands together once. “What do we do first?”

“Ok number one, pick a animaw.”

“Pick an animal? Any animal at all?”

“Yes.” Parker nods easily.

“Hmm so many choices!” Louis ponders dramatically, finger on his chin.  “Umm…Ok, I choose a dog.”

“No.” Parker instantly objects, crossing his small arms over his body.

Louis frowns curiously. “No?”

“No. Say kay-ga-a-rr-roo.” Parker suggests instead, dragging out the word with a bit of trouble.

“Um? Ok then, since you insist…I guess I’ll choose a kangaroo.” Louis amends easily. It’s never a good idea to fight a toddler on these things.

“Good.” Parker nods approvingly. “So…number two, you stand wike this.” He spreads his little legs, toes pointed outward as he puts his hands on his hips and rolls them in a slow circle.

“Like this?” Louis copies his son’s movements, legs spread as he rolls his hips.

“No, wike this.” Parker does the whole motion again, hips rolling in an even wider circle for more emphasis.

“Right, like this?” Louis mimics the action again perfectly.

“No. No. It not right.” Parker stops his circling movements, watching Louis and shaking his head solemnly.

Louis frowns, swearing that he is doing the exact same motion, in fact they could be mirrors. But apparently it is not satisfactory to this little toddler. “Show me again.”

“Wike _this_.” Parker stares Louis dead in the eye and goes about spreading his legs while swiveling his tiny hips, hands on his waist.

“This.” Louis once again does exactly as instructed with no margin for error.

“Fine. I guess, Papa.” Parker sighs exasperated, tired hand on his forehead. “It not very good. But you’re new so it ok. This time onwy.” He stresses seriously as though this is not just a game to him, this is a matter of life and death.

Louis tries not to giggle at the adorable little stress indent on the tip of his brow. “Thank you for accepting me even though I’m bad at your game.”

“Ok.” Parker claps his hands together once, waving off Louis’ sentiment. “Wet’s move on.”

“Let’s.” Louis agrees, waiting for further instruction.

“So…number three, you bend down to grab your feets.” Parker reaches down to hold the tips of his toes.

Louis copies his actions, bending his knees to grasp his feet. “Ok, I’m holding my feet, now what?”

“Grab your feets tighter, Papa! Your toesies can’t move!”

“I am! I am!” Louis assures, holding on to the tips of his toes. “My toes are secure!”

“Nooow, number three, you sit crisscross appwesauce.”  Parker let’s go of his toes in favor of plopping down on the ground and folding his legs into a pretzel.

“Ok, got it.” Louis follows.

“And then is it done?” Parker questions oddly, lowering his voice to a tiny whisper and leaning in close.

“Is what done?” Louis wonders in confusion, whispering back.

“The game?” Parker whispers, peaking up at Louis with wide eyes. “Is it done?”

“Um…yes?” Louis guesses slowly, tilting his head. “Maybe? I’m not sure, really?”

“No. _Nooo_! It not done, Papa.” Parker sighs gravely, shaking his head slowly with his hands covering his face, obviously very disappointed by Louis’ answer, yet again. “It not done...”

Louis isn’t slightly surprised that he said the wrong answer, he can never win when it comes to Parker. “Ok? So…if the game is not done then what’s next?”

“So then, number three, you be a star fishie.” Parker uncrosses his feet and lays down on the carpet, arms and legs spread out as wide as possible.

“Um Parker, love, I hate to interrupt your wonderfully crafted game, but you've been on number three for quite a few steps now.”

Parker frowns, sitting up with his small legs still spread out. “This how I count…. One, two, three, three, three, three, three—”

“Four.” Louis adds helpfully.

“No. No.” Parker shakes his head, curls bouncing as he points to himself. “I three.”

“Yes, that’s right. You are three.” Louis agrees gently, smiling at the toddler. “But there are numbers that come after three.”

“No. No. Cuz _I_ three!” 

“Yes, but one day you won't be three anymore and—”

“Is it my birthday!?” Parker interrupts excitedly, eyes growing wide with anticipation.

Louis pauses, not expecting that response. “Uh…no, but—”

“Tomorrow?” Parker wonders eagerly.

“No…” Louis answers slowly.

“Day after that?”

“No.”

“How ‘bout after that?”

Louis shakes his head. “I’m afraid not, lad.”

“After that?” Parker tries hopefully.

“No.” Louis narrows his eyes, pondering how long this can possibly go on. In retrospect, he should have definitely anticipated this coming. 

“Day after that day?”

“Nope.”

“On Thursday?” Parker wonders, picking a random day off the top of his head.

Louis shakes his head. “Sorry, no.”

“Sunday?” Parker questions on, sounding more hopeful with each curious inquiry.

“No.”

“How ‘bout the day after that day?” Parker asks, apparently forgetting the names of the other days in the week.

“Monday?” Louis clarifies to be certain, raising an eyebrow.

“No.” Parker shakes his head this time. “After that day.”

“Uh…still no I’m afraid.”

“How ‘bout _that_?”

“How about what?” Louis questions.

“That day. _That_.” Parker asks again, stressing the word unnecessarily with no context.

“Um? No?” Louis frowns in earnest confusion, wondering how they got here. Such is life when it comes to a developing three-year-old mind.

“When Daddy comes back? Then?”

“Still nope.”

Parker pokes his lip out, starting to sulk. “Why not?”

 “My love, you just had a birthday a few months ago.” Louis reminds gently, placing a hand on Parker’s shoulder.

“Oh.” Parker says sadly, dropping his head momentarily before popping it right back up with another pressing question. “When it my birthday?”

“Not for about ten months.”

“So...” Parker pauses to think to himself seriously, tiny hands on his chin. “In threethreethreethree days…it my birthday?” 

“Um…ok? Yeah sure, Parker. In threethreethreethree days it's your birthday.” Louis agrees, not knowing how long that actually is in the little boy’s mind. 

“Yay!” Parker cheers, clapping his small hands happily, eager dimpled grin on his face. “Are you excited!?”

“For what, bud?”

“My birthday!”

“Oh right, of course, it’s probably my favorite day of the whole year!”

“Me too!” Parker beams.

Louis ruffles his hair gently. “Ok buddy, how about you finish telling me—”

“Papa! Papa! I’m _dying_!” Lilly interrupts dramatically, running into the room screaming, tears in her eyes. “There is blood everywhere! I’m dying! I’m dying! I’m dead!”

Only at the mention of blood does Louis instantly spin around in alert, expression alarmed as he rushes to his daughter and does a quick scan of her overall body, reacting as any worried father would.

 _No body parts missing or severed, check. No obvious bruising or scrapes from a bad fall, check. No blunt trauma or stabs, check, check._ Louis mentally ticks off in his head as he looks her over, thankfully finding no impeding injuries. “What happened, babes? Where are you hurt? Lemme see.”

Lilly opens her mouth wide and little trails of blood seep from her mouth. “My whole mouth is bleeding! Look! I’m _dying_ , Papa! I was eating and I heard a really scary cracking sound and then my mouth tasted nasty!”

“Oh baby, it’s ok.” Louis sighs with relief, laughing a little. “You’re just losing your first tooth. It’s a natural thing.”

“ _Ooooh_.” Lilly awes, mouth still hanging open with her fingers pulling at her lips. “What do I do?”

Louis peaks into her mouth at the tooth in question. “It looks really loose, you could just wiggle it out.”

“Will that hurt?” Lilly worries.

“No, since it’s so loose it’ll probably come out by itself sometime today. But then you could accidently swallow it or something.”

Lilly gasps, clamping her hand over her mouth. “Oh no, Papa! I don’t want to swallow my tooth, I want it out! I don’t like how it feels dangling in my mouth!”

“Ok come on.” Louis hoists Lilly up and carries her to the Jack-and-Jill bathroom connecting Parker and Lilly’s rooms. He sets her down on top of the counter. “See, look in the mirror, just grab it with your fingers.”

Lilly kneels up on the counter, tentatively touches her wiggling tooth before yanking her fingers from her mouth and squealing. “Eww no! I’m scared! It feels _weird_. Can you do it for me? Please Papa.”

“You want me to pull your tooth?” Louis asks, watching her carefully in the mirror, hands on her shoulders. “Are you sure, Lillypad?”

Lilly nods seriously, turning around to face him again. “I trust you more than I trust me.”

“Alright little miss, let’s get that tooth out.” Louis washes his hands and positions Lilly on the edge of the counter so he can easily see her mouth. He uses one hand to steady her jaw, while the other is ready to dislodge the tooth when Lilly bites down suddenly. Louis snatches his hand back reflexively just in time. “Lilly, I haven’t even touched your tooth yet!”

Lilly offers a crooked smile, squeezing her eyes shut. “Sorry, I’m nervous! Is it going to hurt? Like _really_ going to hurt? Because maybe a dangly tooth isn’t so bad after all? I could keep it…maybe.”

Louis smiles softly at her, tucking a wandering lock of brunette hair behind her ear. “You trust me right?”

Lilly peers up at her father and nods wholeheartedly.

“So I would never hurt you.” He kisses Lilly’s temple reassuring her. “Sit still ok? Just hold on to me.”

Lilly grabs on to Louis like her life depends on it, taking it a step further and wrapping her short legs around his waist.

“Ready?”

Lilly nods her head again, but her eyes look properly terrified and she tightens her vice grip on Louis in preparation for the blow.

“Ok…” Louis grabs hold of the slippery tooth with his index finger and thumb, gently coaxing it back and forth in small movements until it springs free. “Got it!” He raises the newly freed tooth, lightly covered in blood and spit.  

“That’s it? That didn’t hurt at all!” Lilly exclaims in surprise, running her tongue over the new gapping hole.

“Told you.” Louis deposits the baby tooth into her palm. “I’ve got the magic touch.”

“Oh! I have to tell Daddy!” Lilly announces, still gaping at the little tooth in her hand. “He has to know!”

“Ok, ok. Let’s wash your mouth out first, yeah?”

Louis helps his daughter get sorted out, making sure she rinses out her mouth and brushes the remaining traces of blood from her teeth. Afterwards, he hands her his iPad, setting off to go deal with the twins crying in the background from their nursery.

 

||||

 

Harry is settling into a taxicab on his way to the airport when he gets a FaceTime call from Louis. Opportunely, the huge publishing deal was closed and signed with his client a little earlier than anticipated, much to President Richards delight. Instead of spending another day sightseeing, relaxing, and celebrating like the rest of his coworkers, Harry opted to catch a redeye flight home to his family, choosing not to utilize the preplanned flight on the company jet tomorrow afternoon with everyone else. He misses his family more than anything and jumped at any chance of returning to them sooner. But Harry decides to keep this new development to himself, hoping to surprise Louis and his kids.

Harry plugs earbuds into his phone, popping them into his ears and answering the call only to see Lilly instead of Louis beaming brightly at him.

“Daddy! Daddy! Guess what!?” Lilly shouts before he has even said hello, promptly shoving what appears to be a baby tooth into the eye of the camera. “Nevermind—I’m too excited to let you guess, it’ll take too long! I lost a tooth!”

“Monkey! You lost your very first tooth!?” Harry gasps outright. “How did that happen?”

“Well, Papa had to wiggle it out, but I was eating my apple slices and my mouth made a very scary sound like CRACK!” Lilly imitates with an exaggerated expression on her face and ample sound effects. “And Daddy, I was soooo scared! And my mouth was all red! And bloody! And—Ah! It was _stressful_! But Papa said it was normal and he saved me. So I’m ok now.”

Harry can’t help but giggle at Lilly’s vibrant storytelling skills; he is so taken by his little girl. “Oh my god Lilly, you’re growing up so fast! Congratulations on your first tooth. I wish I was there to see it. I’m missing everything!”

“It’s ok Daddy, I won’t let the tooth fairy have it until you get to see it in person. And it’s only one tooth. You get to be here for all of these.” Lilly pulls on her lips, pointing to the rest of the teeth in her mouth.

“Well, that’s something to look forward to, I suppose.” Harry admits, still pouting slightly. “Where is Papa?”

“Uhh? I dunno…” Lilly stands up and starts walking around with the iPad, exiting her room and wandering the halls. “Papa! Papa! Papa! Papaaaa! PA—”

“Yes! Yes! Lilly! Yes! I can hear you!” Harry hears Louis exasperatedly call from another room.

“Oh! Found him!” Lilly gives Harry a cute little thumbs up through the camera. “Daddy wants to talk to you!”

“I don’t have to talk to him, Lil. He sounds busy.” Harry says, not wanting to disturb his spouse. “I can’t talk long anyway.”

“It’s urgent!” Lilly yells nonetheless, grinning at her dad. “He needs you now! Right now!”

“ _Lilly._ ” Harry laughs. She has such a mischievous streak about her. “I’ll talk to him later, it’s really ok. Don’t bother him.”

Following the sound of his voice, Lilly marches into the master bathroom only to find Louis, fully dressed but somehow fallen in the tub, covered in suds. Maddi and Max are also in the large tub alongside Louis, sitting in their little water bassinets. Louis must have been trying to give them a bath but fell on some unavoidably hard times.  

“Here Papa, it’s Daddy.” Lilly shoves the iPad in Louis’ soapy face.

“Ba ba ba!” Max shouts randomly, little hands picking up clusters of bubbles and plastering them onto Louis’ hair. “Pop!”

“Lilly, please—I can't.” Louis urges, closing his eyes against the suds. “Tell him I’m kinda in the middle of something right now, love.”

“Hiii! Hi!” Maddi giggles to herself. Harry can see her splashing water and bubbles everywhere, mostly on his spouse.

“No, Papa he asked for you. Here take it—I gotta go. I gotta go be with my tooth.” Lilly forces the iPad at him hurriedly before she skips off, Louis barely catching it in time before it potentially fell into soapy water.

“Lilly Anne!” Louis calls after her, exacerbated. He slowly turns his attention to the tablet in his wet hands, propping it up on the ledge of the tub before giving Harry a little wave. “Uhh…hi babe…”

“I see that it’s bath time for the Terrible Tommo Twins.” Harry jokes, grinning at Louis knowingly. For who knows what reason, bathing Maddi and Max has always been more of a task than it’s originally cut out to be. To avoid unfortunate mishaps, the two babies must always be bathed separately or by the hands of both Harry and Louis together. Louis clearly tried to bite off more than he could chew. “Very adventurous of you to try giving them both a bath by yourself. I would not recommend.”

“Yeah, yeah shut up. So…. I kinda fell in…obviously…” Louis admits, sighing. “They were such a mess earlier, I had no other choice but to give them a bath. Oops—Max we don’t chew on shampoo bottles.” He gently pries the sudsy bottle from the baby’s grip, handing him a bath toy instead.

“Mhmm, is that right?” Harry wonders, toying with his husband.

“And actually, now that I’m in here with them, it’s sooo much easier to bathe them both by myself. Oh! Check out my hair!” Louis shows off his bubble foamed Mohawk proudly. “Max did it, well I helped, but still. I graduated from pigtails to mohawks, I’m essentially a model for Arts and Crafts Weekly. Look at me go.”

“This is a great look for you, very edgy.” Harry compliments, smile growing widely across his face. “Why is you doing fatherly things so attractive?”

“Because you have a domestic kink, love.” Louis replies easily with a wink.

“No, I don’t.”

“Yes you do. Just embrace it, H.”

“I mean…maybe, but—”

“Aha!” Louis jumps, lifting a soapy finger. “So that is it, right? The Kink? The one I’ve been trying to get right? I was right all along. It _is_ a domestic kink. I knew it!”

“Oh no, that’s not it.”

“What?! You just said—”

“Um, I didn’t say anything! You didn’t let me finish. I was going to say that maaaybe I do have a domestic kink, _but_ it’s not The Kink.” Harry explains, the taxi driver giving him an odd look in the rearview mirror.

“It’s really alright, you can tell me, Haz. No judgment, I’m already legally bound to you, there really is no pressure.”

“No, I’m not telling you. Maybe my kink is just having you stress out over my kink.” The taxi driver once again pulls a disturbed face as Harry talks, averting his eyes back to the wheel.

“Ugh, you’re so difficult.” Louis grumbles, rolling his eyes. “Wait, babe where are you anyway? In a cab?”

“Oh, I’m…” Harry starts, not wanting to tell Louis he is on his way to the airport to surprise him. “Just, you know, meeting Liam for drinks downtown.”

“In that?” Louis eyes Harry’s ratty sweatshirt and altogether disheveled appearance. Admittedly he likes to travel comfortably if he can, and since he isn’t hopping off a plane and straight into a meeting this time, Harry decided to go full on comfort mode: old worn sweatpants and a well-loved uni hoodie.

“Erm, well…it’s just an old bar, really. We’re tired, it’s not a big deal.” Harry shrugs off.

“Ok, if you say so.” Louis teases with a curious smile. “You do you, H.”

“Oh I will, thank you very much.” Harry sasses, tilting his head up as the cab pulls to a stop at JFK airport. “Hey, so I gotta go, but um…I’ll call you tonight?”

“Yeah, sounds good. Love you, have fun.”

“Bye, I love you. Good luck with the twins.” Harry farewells, ending the call and setting about getting checked in for his flight.

 

||||

 

Harry comes home to a still, quiet house, only the soft thrum of appliances whirling in the background; which should be expected since it’s nearly midnight and no one was expecting him until tomorrow.

He trails up the stairs, hauling his carry on suitcase and luggage behind him, anxious to see his family. Harry ventures quietly into their master bedroom to find his husband splayed out on his back in the middle of their huge bed, two babies huddled to his chest, one of them wedged between him and the mountain of decorative throw pillows, the other spread starfish on top of him. Another child sleeps curled to his side, both arms clinging to one of his hands. And a little boy nestled peacefully in a little ball at his feet. 

It is, quite possibly, the cutest thing Harry has ever seen in his life. They must have fallen asleep while watching a movie together, as evidenced by the still blinking TV, displaying the main menu. Harry snaps a few adoring pictures of his sleeping family, the moment far too precious to pass up.

Smelling like airport, Harry decides to change into a fresh pair of sweats, not bothering with a new tee, remaining shirtless instead. He walks back over to the bed, ready to set about putting his kids to bed in their rightful rooms.

One sleepy eye peaks open at him slowly from the pile of sleeping figures on the bed. “Daddy?”

Harry waves silently, a slow, wide smile spreading across his face, dimples deep in his cheeks.

“Daddy!” Lilly shrieks happily before she slaps a hand over her mouth, looking at her sleeping siblings. She carefully extracts herself from the tangled heap of limbs, leaping off the bed to scramble over to her father. “You're home early!” 

Harry lifts her up in his arms hugging her small body close. “Hi, Monkey.” He whispers against her hair, kissing her temple softly and inhaling deeply. “Oh, I missed you so much, Lilly.” And he really did, probably more than he originally thought possible. It feels so good to be home again, he just might cry. 

Lilly grips onto him tightly, arms and legs wrapped around his torso in a vise grip. “Daddy, you can’t ever ever ever leave ever ever _ever_ again!”

“Ever ever ever?” Harry teases as he starts to carry her out of the room.

“Ever! _Never_!” Lilly insists urgently. “It's just not the same when you aren't here. I need to have both of my dads to be happy.”

Harry smiles softly, swaying slowly on his feet as he hugs her close to his chest again.

Lilly raises her head up. “Do you still have my bracelet?”

“Of course, I still have your bracelet! I never ever took it off, like I promised.” Harry lifts his wrist to show her the bright beaded band. “And I also have what’s left of your nail polish on my nails and I always have—”

“My name tattooed on your heart.” Lilly finishes, touching the first row of names inked on Harry’s side.

“Well, technically it’s a little below my heart on the side of my ribs, but yes. You’re always with me, lil’ Lil.” He grins against her temple, pressing his lips to her skin affectionately.

Lilly squeezes him tighter, nuzzling her face against his chest. “Daddy, I really missed you.”

“I know Monkey, me too. So much so that I had to come home right away to see you. How was your week?”

“I missed you, like I said.” She answers sadly, cheek still pressed against him. “Every day you were gone, all I did was miss you.”

Harry rubs her back comfortingly as a little reminder that he’s back with her. “Ok, other than missing me, how was your week?”

Lilly lifts her head up, thinking to herself. “It was good, I had a lot of fun. I learned how to make real tea and Papa told me lots of stories about you and him and I got to hang out with Uncle Zayn and…oh! And yesterday, Papa got us McDonald's!” 

“Ooh, did he?” He lifts an interested eyebrow.

“Yes! Oh, but he said not to tell you that. Oops!” Lilly giggles, amusing herself.  “Parker, Uncle Niall and I begged and begged and beeegged! And, of course he gave in.” 

“What a softie.” Harry smiles fondly.

“Well, you married him Daddy, not me.”

“Very true.” He nods, chuckling. “Monkey, have you gotten bigger since I left? Ugh, you’re just so heavy!” Harry exaggerates as he pretends to have trouble holding her up, setting her down gently onto her bed.

“Or you’ve gotten weaker since you left.”

“ _Heyyy_.” Harry pouts, dragging out the word.

“Actually Daddy, I’m lighter cuz my tooth is gone. See!” Lilly sticks out her bottom jaw, proudly displaying the gaping hole where her tooth once was.

“Oh, that’s right!” Harry gasps, sitting down on the bed next to her to inspect her mouth.

“I have the tooth with me, too!”

“You keep it in your pocket?”

“Yes, Daddy.” Lilly confirms, reaching into the breast pocket of her nightgown. “Because what if the tooth fairy tries to steal it from me?”

“I don’t think that’s how it works, Monkey.” Harry chuckles softly.

“You can never be too sure with these things.” Lilly insists, unconvinced.  

“So are you ever going to give it to the tooth fairy?”

“When I’m ready for her to have it she’ll know.” Lilly decides certainly, cradling her tooth. “But I don’t want to give it away yet, I’m very fond of Darla.”

“Darla?”

“That’s my tooth’s name, Daddy.” Lilly answers, looking at him as if it is painfully obvious.

“Oh, of course, right.” Harry nods obviously. “Do all of your teeth have names?”

“No, Daddy don’t be silly! A tooth only gets a name when it leaves the kingdom to become a queen or a king.”

“So your mouth is the kingdom?”

“Yes, exactly.” She nods happily. “And right now it’s filled with no name princes and princesses. Darla is my very first queen.”

Harry giggles amusedly, tucking a stray hair behind Lilly’s ear. “So are you going to keep Darla forever?”

“Not forever.” Lilly looks down at the tiny white tooth in her hands forlornly. “She has to go do her duties with the tooth fairy. But I’m not ready for her to go just yet. For now, I like her safe in my pocket.”

“What am I going to do with you, Lilly?” Harry grins, shaking his head fondly.

“Well, it’s really not my job to decide. You are the Daddy. Oh! That reminds me!” Lilly tucks her tooth back in her pocket and scrambles off of her bed suddenly. “I made you something!”

“Really?” Harry turns to watch her rummage through her drawers. “Because I love your somethings.”

Lilly holds up the large picture she painted earlier in the week for Harry. “Tadah! It’s our family!”

“Wow Lilly, you made this for me?” Harry awes, reaching out to take the picture.

“Yep!”

“Why is Parker two different colors?” Harry observes, laughing softly at the multicolored figure representing his eldest son.

“Oh yeah, sooo I kinda ran out of paint for him…yeah. But I think Parker is rightfully colorful anyways.”

Harry can’t rightly argue with that, but he doesn’t want to anyways because he adores every little thing about his daughter’s drawing. “Lils, it’s perfect. Thank you so much, sweetheart.”

“You really like it?”

“Soooo much, Lilly. I love it.” Harry nods genuinely. “I’m going to frame it and hang it up on the wall in my office.”

“You are?” Lilly wonders with wide eyes.

“Yes, of course! So everyone can see just how talented my little Monkey is!”

Lilly positively beams, snaggletooth proudly on display.

Harry stands to his feet. “Well, it is way past your bed time—”

“Daddy, wait!” Lilly grabs his hand urgently, interrupting him.

“Yeah, Lil?”

Lilly pauses a moment, chewing on her lower lip. “I have to tell you something.”

“Ok?” Harry sits back down on the edge of the bed and looks at her expectantly.

“But…I really don’t want to…”

“And why is that?”

“Because you’ll be mad at me.”

“Try me.”

“Ok…Papa said I should be a big girl and tell you myself so um…here it goes.” Lilly sucks in a huge breath before blurting out an entire sentence disguised as one word. “IspilledallofyourfavoritebubblebathI’msososorry!”

Harry frowns curiously, eyebrows furrowed. “What?”

“I’m sorry, Daddy!” Lilly professes genuinely. “I was taking a bath in your tub and I saw the bottle and I wanted to use some because it smelled like you and I missed you and then…and then—and _then_! I don’t know?! It all happened so fast! I’m so sorry!”

“Lilly Anne.” Harry sighs, shaking his head.

“Please don’t mad, Daddy!” Lilly begs, surging up to bury her head in his neck and wrap her arms around him tightly. “I’m really sorry, it was an accident, I swear.”

Harry rubs her back softly in small circles. ‘Thank you for being honest with me. That was very mature.”

“Do you still love me?” Lilly asks tentatively, peaking up at him.

“Baby, of course I still love you.” Harry pecks her forehead tenderly. “You’ll always be my Monkey. Nothing you do will ever change that.”

“But you called me _Lilly Anne_.” Lilly says her own name like it’s hopelessly doomed, dropping her small voice as low as possible in an attempt to mimic her father.

“That’s your name.”

“No, it’s only my name when you’re really really _really_ mad at me.”

“To be honest, I’m kinda too happy to see you to be really mad at you.” Harry confesses, tousling her hair.

“Papa said that might happen.” Lilly giggles knowingly.

“Well, doesn’t he just know me so well?” Harry asks rhetorically, grinning.

“He really does.”

“Alright. If you have nothing else to tell me for now, I say it’s time to go to sleep.”

Lilly settles down into her bed and Harry leans down to tuck her in, gently brushing her hair from her eyes and pressing a soft kiss to her forehead. “I love you, baby girl. Sleep tight.”

“I love you too, Daddy. I’m happy you came home to me.” Lilly whispers as he switches off the light.

Harry closes the door to her room with a final blown kiss goodnight and pads down the hallway back to the master bedroom to put another sleepy, unsuspecting child to bed.

Gently, without waking him, Harry picks Parker up from the foot of the bed, untangling him from Louis’ legs. It’s not until they are halfway to Parker’s room when the little boy starts to stir, pulling back and rubbing his eyes sleepily. “Daddy?” 

“Hey buddy.” Harry whispers, smiling wide at his small son’s groggy face.

“Ahh!” Parker screeches giddily, suddenly very much awake and slapping his tiny palms to either side of Harry’s face as if he can’t believe it’s really him. “You not die!”

“I told you I wouldn't and here I am!” Harry grins, kissing Parker’s forehead. “Back home safe and sound.”

“Safe and sound.” Parker mimics, snuggling nearer to Harry and mumbling against his skin.

“Yep.” Harry rubs the toddler’s back gently, fingers grazing over a zipper. “Hey…” He frowns, pulling at the misplaced fastener. “Why is your onesie on backwards?”

“So I not take it off.” Parker explains, sighing heavily. “I not free anymore.”

“Did Papa do that?” Harry fights back his laughter as he inspects his spouse’s handiwork.

“Yes.” Parker nods, frowning as he tries to reach behind himself. “I want it off. But I not reach. It too hard.”

“I’m sorry, bud.” Harry bites his lip at how cute his little toddler is.

“Can _you_ take it off me?” Parker requests sweetly, big sea green eyes begging.

“No, I think it’s probably for the best.” Harry decides, setting Parker down on his bed.

“But…why?”

“Oh, Parks…” Harry shakes his head, knowing exactly where this conversation is going. “It’s far too late at night to start asking why.”

“Wh—” Parker starts to ask, but is immediately interrupted as Harry begins to distract him by tickling his sides.

“Nope!” Harry laughs, as he attacks his son with affectionate tickles. “Nope! Nope! Nope!” Parker squeals and squirms wildly in Harry’s arms, fits of giggles over taking his little body until Harry gradually stops tickling him.

“Daddy?” Parker asks once he has settled down.

“Hmm?”

“Can I ask why tomorrow?” Parker asks seriously.

Harry smiles, chuckling lightly. “Yes Parker, my endlessly curious child, you can ask why tomorrow.”

“Okay.” Parker beams excitedly, before rapidly sitting up like he just remembered something urgently important. “Oh! Daddy! Guess what!?” 

“What?” Harry animatedly matches Parker’s urgent tone.

He shakes his little blonde ringlets. “No! Guess!” 

“Um…did you make up a new game?” 

“Noooo. Well—yes, but that not it.”

“Hmmm ok, did you find a new hiding spot then?”

“Noooo.” Parker denies again, practically singing the word. “Well—yes, but that not it either. And I not tell you where it is.”

“Alright then.” Harry laughs, knowing that whenever Parker decides to utilize his new hiding spot it’ll probably take hours to find him. Somehow he always finds the most ingenious places to hide. “May I have a hint?”

“Mmmm.” Parker hums, poking out his little lip as he thinks to himself.

“Pretty pretty, please?” Harry begs, replicating Parker’s pouty face just like a mirror image.

“Mk! ‘s ‘bout you!”

“About _me_?!” Harry points to himself in exaggerated surprise, eyebrows shooting up.

“Yes, yooou!” Parker emphasizes.

“Oohh, is it that I didn’t die?”

“No, but you not! Yay!” Parker jumps up and down excitedly on his bed, arms waving around as if this is new information.

“Yay!” Harry echoes cheerfully.

Parker stops jumping abruptly, once again eyeing Harry seriously. “Daddy, guess again!”

“Um…I don’t know?” Harry plays along, scrunching up his face as he thinks. “Is it that I have holes in my cheeks sometimes?” 

“Noooo, but you do!” Parker sticks his finger in Harry's exposed dimples. “And me too!” He touches his own cheeks with his other hand, smiling extra wide trying to get them to show up. 

“Yes, you do too.” Harry kisses the toddler’s deeply dimpled cheek.

“Daddy no! Focus! Guess again!” Parker encourages, holding both his hands on the sides of Harry’s face, squeezing his cheeks together.

“I'm all out of guesses!” Harry mumbles through his pressed cheeks, throwing up his hands for emphasis. “I'm guess-less!” 

“Ooh nooo!” Parker adorably covers his own face and shakes his head, eyes peaking out between his tiny fingers. “You’re very bad at this, Daddy.”

“I know.” Harry pouts again, hanging his head. “Help me out.”

“Ok, I tewl you.” Parker wiggles one finger indicating Harry should lean forward towards him. 

Harry inches closer, already grinning, and Parker cups his tiny hands over Harry’s ear.

“I missed you and I woved you very very much a wot.” Parker whispers softly in Harry’s ear.

Harry’s heart swells to the point of possibly bursting at his little son’s sweet confession. He wraps his arms around Parker’s small body, holding him close to his chest. “I love you very very much a lot too, Parker. And I missed you loads.” 

Parker pulls back and kisses Harry’s cheek affectionately, hands still wrung around his neck. Harry scoops him up and tucks him snugly under the covers. He ruffles his hair before heading for the door.

“Wait!” Parker pouts, sitting up again. “You not kiss me goodnight!”

“Oh, no! Silly me!” Harry gasps theatrically, scurrying back over and peppering Parker’s entire face with a million goodnight kisses, not missing a spot. “Better?”

Parker nods contently, settling back under the covers. “I wove you to the moon and back.”

“Night night, baby boy. I love you with my whole heart.” Harry whispers from the door.

“Hiii!” Maddi greets as soon as Harry walks back into his bedroom, wide awake and waiting for him.

“Hi Maddibear!” Harry greets in a high excited voice. “I'm very mad at you, yes, yes I am.” He scoops her up and gives his sides a little tickle.

Maddi giggles, squealing happily as she grabs Harry’s face with tiny fingers.

“This is a very serious matter, Maddison Jay.” Harry teases, furrowing his brow lightly and puckering his lip. “Stop your cute little giggles. You’re very hard to be mad at.”

She laughs again, pulling at Harry’s pouting lip with her wandering fingers.

“You just had to start walking the second I left. Didn’t you?” He blows wet raspberry kisses against her cheek, which only makes her squeal more. “Yeah, yeah you made Daddy lose the bet. Uh huh, you did. But I still love you. Yes, yes I do.”

“Da!” Max screeches sitting up on Louis’ resting body and reaching his grabby fingers up for Harry.

“And hiii Maxy Max, my million-dollar baby! I didn't forget about you.” Harry hoists up the other twin, holding one on each hip. “Maximillian, you are a _million_ times more considerate than your twin, here. Yeah, you know that don't you? Of course you do.” He coddles, pecking the baby’s nose. “Yeah, my loyal little still crawling baby boy! I love you so much.”

“As if I needed any more proof that you insisted on naming our son Maximillian simply for the amount of puns that comes along with it.” Louis peeks up at Harry from the bed with one sleepy eye open.

Harry smiles down at him warmly. “No, we went over this, babe.” 

“Did we?” Louis sits up groggily, rubbing his eyes. “I don’t recall?”

“Yes, we did.” Harry starts walking out of the bedroom to the hall, Louis trailing behind blearily, almost in a daze. “Some people mistakenly assume Max to be a basic, drab and dull name. But on the contrary, it’s quite an exceptional name and anyone who thinks differently is extremely misinformed.” He rattles on randomly, toting a baby in each arm to the end of the hallway. “It's actually a wonderfully royal and sophisticated name that literally means ‘The Greatest’.”

“Hmmm…” Louis ponders over a heavy yawn.

“So, in short…” Harry continues as he walks into the twin’s nursery. “We essentially gave our son the greatest name imaginable.” He deposits each baby into their respective crib, leaning down to kiss each one on the head, whispering soft _good night’s_ and _I love you’s_ before walking out of the room, shutting the door behind himself and his trailing husband.

Once back in their bedroom, Harry turns around to face Louis fully, placing his hands on his waist. “But yeah...it also happens to be filled with punny sayings.” Harry smirks. 

Louis smile grows wide, just staring at Harry before pulling him in for a warm hug, pressing his cheek to Harry’s chest. 

“Hi baby.” Harry murmurs against Louis’ soft hair, finally greeting him properly.

“Hi.” Louis whispers, tightening his arms around Harry’s bare middle. “You’re home early.”

“Mhmm. I was dying to get back, so I thought I’d surprise you.” Harry admits as he inhales his husband’s scent. “Staying another night in New York was more of a courtesy than a necessity, anyway. And I definitely did not find it necessary—You smell like home.” He hums contently, interrupting himself, nose practically buried in Louis’ caramel fringe.

Louis scoffs, pulling back slightly in Harry’s arms. “I smell like baby food, maple syrup, finger paint, coffee, diaper rash cream and I don't know...” Louis tilts his head to sniff his shirt. “Ranch dressing?” 

“Yeah exactly… _home_.” Harry chuckles softly, pulling Louis close once again. “I missed you.”

“I missed you too.” Louis mumbles into Harry’s neck before pulling back to exaggeratedly check Harry out, eyes grazing hungrily over his naked torso. “This is all very distracting.”

“What is?”

“You. You and your hot shirtless body in the flesh.” Louis leans in to kiss the middle of Harry’s chest, dragging his palms slowly down his bare abs. “I almost forgot how fucking fit my husband is.”

Harry completely beams at that, practically melting in Louis’ arms.

“Fuck, look at you. Just gorgeous...absolutely gorgeous.” Louis praises incessantly, nipping at Harry’s taut skin.

“Compliments.” Harry says simply, fingers toiling with locks of Louis’ hair.

“What?” Louis draws back, hands still snaked around Harry’s waist.

“The kink.” Harry explains as if it’s obvious. “If you can even call it that. The one you keep trying to get right. It’s compliments from you.”

“That's _it_!?” Louis squawks. “Harry, that is hardly a kink! I can’t believe you toyed with my emotions like this!”

“Yep, that’s it.” Harry confirms with a pop of the ‘P’. “Simple. I’m a very uncomplicated man, you know?”

“Oh please.” Louis deadpans rolling his eyes but still grinning fondly. “And you do have a domestic kink, don’t fight me on this. It’s as real as your pain kink.”

“I will neither confirm or deny that at this time.”

“Good thing it’s already been confirmed, then.” Louis reminds knowingly. “Wait, do you think I don't compliment you enough, because I—”

“No you do, you do.” Harry assures, smiling wide as he runs his hands up and down Louis’ shoulders. “I just love it. You give the best compliments.” 

“Greedy bastard.” Louis laughs affectionately.

A smug grin grows across Harry’s face as he wiggles his eyebrows.

“The best compliments, huh? Anything specific that you want me to compliment you on?”

“Nope.” 

Louis narrows his eyes in challenge. “So…just to be perfectly clear, if I said I love your big fat head, that would count as a compliment?”

“Yes, because you said it.” Harry decides, pressing his lips to the tip of Louis’ nose.

“Ok.” Louis’ smile playfully spreads. He slings his arms around Harry’s neck and stands up on the tips of his toes to whisper in his ear. “I _looove_ your big fat head and all the gorgeous wild hair on top of it.”

“Oh my god, my heart is actually racing.” Harry swoons dramatically, fanning himself. “I’m having trouble…like…breathing? I think? And I’m breaking out into a sweat. Here, feel my palms, they’re sweaty. I’ve got sweaty palms.”

“Shut up.” Louis giggles, hitting Harry’s chest jokingly.

“Say it again. _Please_ , just say it agaaain.” Harry begs excessively, essentially panting as he flutters his eyes closed much to Louis’ entertainment.

“God, I just fucking _looove_ …” Louis nibbles teasingly on Harry’s ear and tangles his fingers in the hair at the nape of his neck, using it as leverage to tilt his jaw back. “Your…big…fat…head…” Louis whispers slowly in between soft kisses trailing down the length of Harry’s defined jawline.

“Fuck, you give me goosebumps.” Harry shivers exaggeratedly. “I’m so high up on cloud nine that I could just start singing. I could literally break out into song, right now.”

“No, please…don’t.” Louis mumbles against the crook of Harry’s neck.

Harry entangles their hands together. “I could serenade you.”  

“Nooo, not now. I just want to go to bed…” Louis whines, sounding needy and deprived as he tugs on roughly Harry’s hand. “Bed with you. I missed you, H.”

“Oh! I have the perfect song.” Harry announces, snapping his head up abruptly.

“Come to bed with me, love.” Louis begs, attempting to pull him closer to their bed but ultimately not getting too far. “Kiss me, hold me, love me, better yet…fuck me.”

Harry suddenly spins Louis around, pulling his back against his own front. He hooks his chin over Louis shoulder, arms wrapped tightly around his waist as they rock slowly side to side. Harry tilts his lips right by Louis ear and start singing softy to him. _“_ _Reunited and it feels so good...”_

“How about you come to bed with me and then we can _truly_ be reunited and it _really_ will feel so good. Sooo, _sooo_ good. Please babe, please I’m begging you.”

“ _Reunited cause we understood…”_ Harry willfully ignores Louis’ destitute sexual requests, continuing to hum the song against his ear as they sway.

“Hey baby, who do you think is who?” Harry wonders randomly, pulling back and turning Louis around to face him with a perplexed expression. “Am I more Peaches or Herb? What do you think?”

“You can be both Peaches _and_ Herb.” Louis huffs, sulking indignantly. “I want no part in this foolery.”

Harry pulls out his phone, holding down the home button with a knowing smirk. “Siri, play [_Reunited_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S_TEmN49hcU&spfreload=10) by Peaches and Herb.”

“Oh god, here we go.” Louis groans, utterly defeated as he throws his head back.

“May I have this dance?” Harry bows, holding up their already intertwined hands. He doesn’t wait for Louis to respond, instead sweeping him into his arms as the music starts to play over the wireless speakers built into the walls of their bedroom.

“I didn’t say yes, you know?” Louis asserts as Harry leads their bodies along to the song. “I didn’t sign up to be a cast member in a musical.”

 _“I was a fool to ever leave your side, me minus you is such a lonely ride.”_ Harry sings softly against Louis’ cheek, ignoring his protests.

Louis continues sulking but allows Harry to lead him around their bedroom in a slow dance as he continues to serenade him. “ _Reunited and it feels so good, reunited ‘cause we understood…”_

Harry stops singing momentarily, frowning lopsidedly as he pulls back to look his husband in the eye. “Lou, this is a duet…”

“I’m painfully aware of that.”

“Then sing it with me! Do you want to be Peaches or Herb?”

“I just explained to you that you are more than capable of being both.” Louis reminds as Harry spins them around in timed small circles.

“You can be Peaches.” Harry suggestively squeezes Louis’ ass with both hands, pressing Louis flush against his chest. “My perfect peach.”

“Oh my god!” Louis bursts into surprised laughter, casting his head back, arms slung around Harry’s neck.

 _“As we reminisce on moments like this. I’m glad we’re back together ‘cause I missed your kiss. Hey, hey…”_ Harry croons, grinning stupidly as their hips sway from side to side, the chorus continuing on from the speakers. He opens his mouth again to start singing the next verse but snaps it closed, pouting instead. “Uh…I don’t remember the words after that. Dammit.”

“You’re an embarrassment.” Louis sighs, rolling his eyes melodramatically before he parts his lips and starts to sing the next forgotten verse. If Harry wants to sing this duet, they have to at least do it right. “ _Lover, lover this is solid love, and you’re exactly what I’m dreamin’ of.”_ Louis sings as Harry’s whole face immediately lights up like a giddy child.

“Yes baby, sing for me!” Harry growls, tilting his head down to attack the underside of Louis’ chin and neck with his lips.

“ _All through the day, and all through the night.”_ Louis sings, giggling slightly as Harry continues to suck on his neck. They rock slowly together to the relaxed beat, hands wrapped around each other. _“I’ll give you all the love I have with all my might. Hey, hey…”_

“Peaches, my love, you’ve never sounded better. Bravo, _Brava_.” Harry praises excessively, nipping at Louis’ collarbones. “Now for the big finale!” He exclaims, bending Louis backwards, dipping down to peck his nose. “Don’t act like you don’t love it.”

“I don’t love it, I don’t even really like it, to be honest, but…” Louis grumbles, weight still suspended in Harry’s arms “I don’t hate it either…I guess…” He admits slowly, rolling his eyes for the umpteenth time. “Would I rather be in our very comfy and inviting bed instead having reunion sex? Yes. Definitely, yes.”

“Good enough for me.” Harry pulls Louis up and smashes their cheeks together, holding their faces side by side as if posing for a picture for an old ‘30s film. “Now sing!”

“I already sang!” Louis protests, the side of his head mushed against Harry’s. Instead of singing Louis thinks about the increasingly interesting fact that if he were to stick his tongue out and to the side right now it’d practically be in Harry’s mouth. Interesting.

 _“Reunited and it feels so good, Reu—”_ Harry playfully slaps Louis’ ass when he realizes he hasn’t started singing with him. “Do you know what a duet means? Sing with me, Peaches! Sing!”

“So demanding. Who knew Herb was so feisty?” Louis huffs before joining Harry in song unenthusiastically, still tempted to stick his tongue in Harry’s mouth.

“ _There’s one perfect fit, and sugar, this one is it. We both are so excited ‘cause we’re reunited. Hey, Hey_ …” Louis and Harry sing in unison, although admittedly Harry is singing with much more of that excitement than his spouse.

“Thank you for fulfilling my one and only homecoming wish.” Harry says as they finish out the song.

“Once again, you say that as if you just returned from war or something.” Louis grins as he is transitioned into a final twirl, arms held up by Harry’s.

“Oh sweetheart…” Harry sighs devastatingly, pulling Louis flush against his body in a dramatic ordeal. “But I _did_ just return from war.”

“You're an idiot.” Louis comments, fighting a fond smile. 

Harry grins cheekily. “And I fought so hard to return home to you. I dreamt of you every single night. Even when the enemy tried her damnedest to diminish my spirits…” 

Knowing exactly who Harry is talking about, Louis purses his lips, unbothered. “When will that woman give it a rest? Enough is fucking enough.” 

“And I was all alone in the trenches!” Harry continues on with his soliloquy dramatically. “I was scared and I was weak. Terrified I was going to lose my life and leave you all alone in the world…” 

“Honestly, the sad truth is no one wants to be her friend. She will inevitably die alone if nothing changes.” Louis easily goes back to the previous topic, not paying attention to Harry’s theatrics. “She's just got to either accept that and move on already or do something about it. Something that doesn’t involve hijacking other people’s spouses.”

“God, baby, you brought me back! It was you, always you.” Harry declares becoming increasingly theatrical, squeezing Louis’ cheeks between his hands.

“I mean, I would help her…maybe.” Louis says offhandedly, face squished between Harry’s large hands as he considers to himself. “But she could be beyond help and I just don’t know if I care enough to be honest.”

“Always you. All I did was call you to mind and my spirits were lifted. I soared on wings like eagles, I overcame with only the thought of you, my one true love.” Harry squeezes Louis’ cheeks tightly and peppers his face with sloppy over-exaggerated, desperate kisses. “Oh how I’ve missed you so.”

“Why are you like this and why do I tolerate it?” Louis laughs through his smashed cheeks.

“Because you wove me.” Harry pouts adorably tilting his head to the side and jutting out his bottom lip.

“Yes, I wove you and your willy.” Louis furthers the joke, leaning up to properly seal their mouths together. 

Harry giggles, lips open mouthed against Louis’, hands trailing down the subtle curves of his waist. “Let's have another baby.”

“What? You just got home and now you want another baby?” Louis pulls back instantly, caught off guard. “And we just had two babies. At once.”

“I know, but they are almost a year old and the whole process takes awhile so we should start now.”

“Now?”

Harry nods enthusiastically, dipping down to suck on Louis’ collarbone softly. “You promised me six kids and we only have four. I feel cheated. Even a bit offended, if I’m completely honest.”

“I love how you said ‘only’ like four is a small number of lives to be entrusted with.” Louis grins, elongating his neck to allow Harry better access. “And actually you promised _me_ six kids. You were perfectly satisfied with five.” 

“Ok, let's go for five!” Harry suggests, lifting his head back up and smiling excitedly. He goads Louis backwards until the backs of his thighs are pressed against the king size mattress.

“No, I told you Harry, in the end it has to be an even number.” Louis reminds, scooting backwards onto bed with Harry hovering over him. “So if we go for five, number six has to follow suit.”

Harry smiles down at Louis, wiggling his eyebrows playfully. “We could just knock ‘em both out with another set of twins.”

“That's highly ambitious. And dangerous. I'm 100% certain another set of twins will completely uphill our lives. Not to mention our fleeting thread of a sex life.” 

“We like challenges. We _kill_ challenges.” 

“That isn't a challenge, babe. That's suicide.” Louis corrects, fingers trailing Harry’s collarbones. “We wouldn’t survive having two sets of twins.”

Harry slides his hands under the hem of Louis’ tee, shuffling it up and over his head. “Ok, we can have them one at a time.” 

“So the real question is…” Louis pauses to look Harry dead in the eye with a serious expression. “Do you wanna take the honors and jizz in a cup this time or should I?”

Harry barks out a surprised laugh, weakly dropping his head against Louis’ chest as he chuckles uncontrollably. “Is that your way of asking who should father our next child?”

“Someone's gotta do it, love.” Louis giggles along, fingers coursing through Harry’s hair. “It's nitty and it’s gritty, but it's got to be done.”

“Or we could adopt this time.” Harry suggests, peaking up at Louis, chin resting on his torso.

“Yeah, true we could…definitely not as fun though…” Louis considers.

“Not as fun?” Harry questions, sitting up completely in bed. “What is that supposed to mean?”

Louis sits up against the headboard, next to him. “I meant the overall process, babe. The road to conception for surrogacy is just so much more fun on our part than the extremely dull paperwork-filled process for adoption. Of course, the real prize is the child, obviously. But you know, I’m a fan of the initial process for surrogacy. I think Parker’s conception was probably my favorite.” 

“Mmm yeah…” Harry reminisces with a dazed blissful smile, glancing over at Louis. “Who would have thought filling a cup could be _sooo_ fun?”

“Oh please...everything is fun when I'm around, Haz.” Louis boasts with a mischievously cocky grin. “Hands down the best wank of your life. Absolutely confirmed.”

“Confirmed? How do you know it was the best wank of _my_ life.” 

Louis sits back looking offended as he touches a hand to his own chest in defense. “Because I was there? Because it was my hand? I know what glory looks like, especially when I am the main contributor and the result is clearly displayed across your beautifully expressive face and pretty mouth. In fact, if we are being 100% honest, it’s common knowledge that I’m responsible for _all_ of your best handjobs. No, actually not even just handjobs—orgasms.” He corrects. “I’m responsible for all of your best orgasms. I’m master of your orgasm.”

“Shouldn't it have more to do with me and my own personal recollections than with you?” Harry teases with a grin, leaning into Louis.

“Listen to me Harold, and listen well.” Louis starts, getting ready to school his husband. “The wank that brought about the conception of our oldest son was my magnum opus. My shining moment, my crowning glory. I am so beyond proud of that day. Like, we may be two men and it might be biologically impossible for us to procreate together, but I swear to you that we literally made a baby that day. That was glorious a joint effort. Definitely in the top five sexcapades, let’s be real. Sex adventures don’t get much better than that.”

Harry flushes brightly, eyes dilated at the memory alone.

“No, seriously, Harry. Sometimes I really reflect on that day, on that hour we spent locked in that room with that cup, on all the many, many, _many_ things that transpired within those four walls…” Louis recounts dramatically. “And then I take a good hard look at our son, who is the product of it, and all my questions about why he is the way he is are instantly answered.”

Harry bursts into laughter, another fit of unstoppable giggles bubbling out of him as he squeezes his eyes shut, head falling against Louis’ shoulder.

“I'm dead serious. Look at the facts, Haz.” Louis continues, holding up one finger. “First, he loves to be naked. Like—absolutely loves to be in the nude at all times of the day.”

“Well, so did I!” Harry defends, sitting back up.

“Obviously, we know this.” Louis rolls his eyes, putting up the second finger. “But look deeper, he also has a suspicious fetish with the word willy.”

“It's his sisters name!”

“Um, no it's not.” Louis argues, frowning in defense. “I seem to remember naming our daughter _L_ illy, you know, with an _L_.” 

“He'll grow out of it, he’s only three.” Harry reminds with an amused grin.

Louis holds up a third finger, continuing on with his theory. “He willingly chooses to refer to his bath play time as, ‘playing _with_ himself’ instead of ‘playing _by_ himself’. I don’t need to verbally explain how undeniably problematic that sounds.”

Harry chuckles again. “He doesn’t know what the difference is!”

“Oh. He knows, Harold.” Louis says seriously, dropping his voice and leaning in. “He _knows_.”

“Parker is three, Louis! Three!”

“Yeah ok…you keep saying that like it somehow changes the facts.” Louis shrugs indifferently, moving on to his fourth finger. “And he also loves the word ‘fuck’.”

“What?!” Harry shrieks madly, eyes going wide in shock as his mouth hangs open. “How does—or I mean when did he—”

“Oh yeah, I didn't tell you. Shit.” Louis curses, turning to face his spouse with a guilty expression. “Ok sorry, don't get mad! It was an accident, Harry! I was trying to fix the whole Willy situation because you know, it's exceedingly problematic. And then we fell on hard times and I was a bit upset, yeah? And, anyway, it slipped out and Parker, being the ever curious insightful child that he is, picked it up and ran with it.” Louis explains, fighting back bubbling laughter. “Like actually ran with it, he was running around stripping like he always does but screaming ‘Fuck!’ along with it.” 

“Oh my god, Louis!” Harry panics instantly. “Of all the words it had to be fuck!”

“Don't flip out! We went over it, he knows it's a no-no and Zayn apparently gave him a new word which he seems to like so...we're good.”

Harry narrows his eyes at his spouse. “What is it?”

“…Suck.” Louis bites his lower lip to try and keep from laughing, but fails as his face breaks, cracking up. 

“Is that supposed to be somehow better?” Harry gawks, eyes wide. 

“I mean…yeah?” Louis giggles amusedly. “Suck vs fuck which would you rather him blurt out at the next family gathering?” 

“Yeah, ok true.” Harry nods his head as if still slightly debating with himself.

“And I know it’s highly inappropriate when he says it but…” Louis tilts his head and gives his husband another guilty smile, pulling at his bottom lip. “Harry, oh my god it’s _sooo_ adorable! I don’t want to say I’m...you know…proud, but…he _totally_ uses it right and everything.” Louis gushes, sounding absolutely delighted.

“What? Seriously?” Harry laughs almost in doubt. “You’re saying he uses the word fuck right? At three years old?”

“Yeah! He’ll get really flustered about something and start pouting and then he’ll just say ‘fuck’ in his tiny disgruntled voice.” Louis explains almost with glee. “It’s absolutely horrible and horrifying, I know! But at the same time…I’m endeared? I don’t know?”

“You’re making me want to encourage our three-year-old to curse. Honestly, I shouldn't even be surprised by his word choice at this point.”

“Babe, all I'm really saying is that if you had had just any old basic dull wank in a stall to fill that sterile cup, we probably wouldn't have had such a wonderfully colorful child, so... _rich_ in personality.” 

“He is truly one of a kind.”

Louis smirks. “More than just the genes in your sperm went into that one.”

“That's our boy.”

Harry and Louis both sigh contently, lying on their backs staring at the ceiling, enjoying the peaceful silence in each other's company. 

“Ok yeah you're right.” Harry says suddenly, breaking the stillness.

“Hmm?” Louis scoots over and rests on Harry’s chest, hooking their feet together.

“It was definitely in the top five sexual encounters of our married life.” Harry admits, hand running up and down Louis’ bare back.

“Try our whole life, love.” Louis corrects peering up at Harry, with his chin propped up on his torso. “I rocked your world. Let’s not be modest.” 

Harry chuckles, nodding his head in agreement. “Yeah, you unquestionably did.” 

“Do you really want another baby?” Louis asks, still meeting his eyes.

Harry continues to stoke Louis’ back slowly. “Only if you want one too.” 

“Of course I do. Six is the dream.” 

“Six is definitely the dream.” Harry smiles, ankles rubbing together.

“It would be the perfect time...”

“Yeah, because we don't want them more than three years apart and by the time we get all the paperwork and everything sorted, the twins will be older.”

Louis considers this, nodding his head. “Yes...”

“We are also both settled and secure in our jobs…” Harry adds.

“Yeah, the pressure is kind of off and we both have pretty flexible schedules.” 

“And we can definitely afford it, even more so now.”

“Even more so?” Louis raises an eyebrow oddly.

“Oh yeah, I got a bit of a raise and bonus for closing the New York account.” Harry says nonchalantly, shrugging like it’s old stale news he couldn't be bothered with.

“What the hell, I hate you!” Louis slaps Harry’s chest hard, sitting up in the bed. 

“Ow! Lou!” Harry frowns, letting out a surprised yelp.

“What kind of fake husband are you?! You don't tell me anything!” 

Harry laughs, holding his arms up to shield himself. “Sorry, sorry! I forgot!”

“You forgot!” Louis slaps him again, this time on the shoulder. “Fucking dickhead! You never give me a chance to be proud of you!” 

“It's not a big deal! Baby, please!”

“Shut up!” Louis hits the center of Harry’s chest again. “Yes, it is a big deal!” 

Harry peaks from behind his upheld arms. “Are you going to hit me every time I talk, because really it’s not all that important and—”

Louis clamps a hand over Harry’s mouth hitching his leg over him to straddle his hips. “Shhh, stop talking.”

“Lou.” Harry protests, voice warped around Louis’ firm hand as he squirms under his husband’s weight.

Louis swats him again with his free hand. “Are you done?”

Harry sighs heavily, giving up and going lax under Louis, slowly nodding his head in defeat.

“Ok good. So now that you’ve finally shut the fuck up, can I tell you just how proud of you I am?” Louis asks rhetorically, leaning down a little lower over Harry’s face.  

Harry just exhales again in surrender, mouth still clamped by Louis’ hand.

“You are so amazing, H. And you work so hard and never want recognition for it because I know you just want to take care of your family, but you still deserve to be praised. You might not see it as a big deal, but it is. You’re a role model to our kids and an inspiration to me. You never cease to amaze me, Harry. I love you.” Louis slides his hand from Harry’s mouth to caress his cheek softly. “I love you so much.” He bends down to kiss him deeply. 

When they break away, Harry gazes at Louis openly, eyes filled with intense admiration, gliding his hands up to cup Louis’ face lovingly. “I love you, Lou. I would be no where without you. You’ll always be my motivation and inspiration. I wouldn’t have even gone on this trip if it wasn’t for you pushing me and supporting me. You’re everything to me and I think about how lucky I am to have found you everyday.”

“Um...no.” Louis shakes his head, earning a very confused frown from Harry beneath him. “I’m sorry, but no. Not to ruin your very lovely and sweet speech about how much you love me and everything, but…for the record _I_ found you. You can’t just ceremoniously steal my thunder like that.”

“No, you didn't.” Harry argues back confidently with a smirk. “If anything we found each other so...”

“Harold.” Louis sits up completely on Harry’s lap, once again ready to educate his spouse. “Fifteen or so years ago, I spent the better half of my Sunday searching that huge university campus high and low for your hipster-scarf-wearing-ass after we met at that party.”

“Well, you know what?” Harry challenges, also sitting up with his hands resting on Louis’ thighs. Louis crosses his ankles behind Harry’s back. “You could have saved yourself sooo much trouble, if you had just asked me for my damn number before I left!”

“Or!” Louis defends, wagging an accusatory finger in Harry’s face. “Or _you_ could have just offered it! Like a decent person!” 

“Why would I offer my number to someone who couldn't get my name right?!”

“Oh please…I knew your name.” Louis insists, scoffing as he squints his eyes.

“Ha! I couldn't tell since you basically called me every single name starting with the letter _H_.” Harry points out, “Harry is—like the easiest name to remember! It’s a royal name. It’s a fairly common name. It’s composed of essentially elementary sounds. Definitely not difficult.” 

“Well, I was piss drunk!” Louis laughs, offering his best defense. “And I was being flirty!”

“Please...‘flirty’.” Harry mocks, rolling his eyes knowingly. “And there is no way in hell you were that drunk.”

“You thought I was cute so…”

“Yeah, but—”

“You thought I was cute!” Louis restates loudly, talking over Harry and leaning in close to his face. “ _And_ you definitely wanted to kiss me _and_ even if you tried to deny that, there is picture evidence confirming how into me you were that night.”

“Yes, I am aware of the obvious heart eyes I had for you in that picture. But you had them too so…”

Louis sighs, lifting his head to face Harry full on while biting his lower lip. “Ok…I have a confession.” 

“Of course you do.” Harry smirks knowingly, resting his fingers on Louis’ hips.

“One that I've never ever _ever_ revealed in our nearly half a life time of knowing each other.”

“I'm all ears.” Harry puts on a teasingly interested face, sitting up straighter against the headboard of their bed.

“Are you ready for this?” Louis questions, eyebrows raised. “Truly ready?”

“Yes!” Harry raises his hands impatiently.

“Are you sure? Really sure? Because _this_. This right here…” Louis wags his pointer finger between the two of them. “It’s dynamic, verging on revolutionary. Once you know this nothing can ever be the same.”

“Nothing is ever easy with you.” Harry laughs amusedly. “Everything must be a dramatic event. Just tell me already, Louis!”

“This is serious, Haz! I’m giving this reveal the drama it is entitled to. It’s groundbreaking information that I have never once told you ever. Ever. It’s probably my best kept secret. And I know we don’t have secrets but—”

“Spit it the fuck out, Tomlinson!” Harry urges, having had enough of Louis’ unnecessary ramblings.

“Ok, ok calm down! So...” Louis takes in a deep breath, closing his eyes for even more dramatic effect, knowing perfectly well it’ll just get more of a rise out of Harry. “The truth is…I not only knew what your name was, but I also knew exactly who you were before the party.”

Harry ponders this, eyes narrowed. “Like…”

“Like…I knew you were Harry Styles, the photographer guy who also loved journalism, who also happened to be single at the time…” Louis clarifies.

Harry busts out laughing, casting his head back extravagantly before looking Louis dead in the eye. “You're shitting me.”

“No, really.” Louis insists, nodding his head seriously. “I had seen you around campus before...several times actually so I, you know...did some digging.”

“Oh…my… _god_! You stalked me!” Harry’s jaw drops, jokingly faux scandalized as he sits up a little straighter against the headboard of the bed. “I can just picture you dodging behind bushes and hiding in bins and peaking behind trees watching my every move.”

“I was not hiding in garbage bins!” Louis defends, shoving Harry’s shoulder lightly.

“But you did hide behind trees, though?” Harry cracks up, nearly falling over from laughing so hard. “You actually stalked me! This is fucking great!”

“Um…I wouldn't use the word ‘stalked’, ok? That's a bit strong.” Louis holds his hands up in defense, watching Harry practically piss himself with amusement.

Harry settles himself momentarily, sitting up straight again. “Ok, what word would you use?”

“Pursued? Investigated? Researched?” Louis offers of the top of his head. “I don't know! I just asked around about you is all.”

“You asked around?” Harry prods, eyebrow raised.

“Yeah, just casually, you know? I just wanted to know what kind of person you were. Not a serial killer or something, I dunno.” 

“So you see a hot guy strolling across the quad with textbooks and multiple cameras around his neck and you think ‘hmm he might be a serial killer, let me ask around to be safe’.”

“Whoa whoa, I did _not_ say you were hot.” Louis corrects, raising his hands again in defense.

“Well, your actions clearly did. Why else would you hunt me down?” 

“Um...because you seemed nice?” Louis defends. “Like a genuinely good person? I didn't just want to get in your pants. I'm not shallow. I mean, that would be a bonus, I guess. But Niall said—”

“ _Niall_?!” Harry echoes dramatically.

“Yeah, Niall.” Louis sighs, scrubbing a hand through his hair as he avoids eye contact. “When I figured out we were mutual friends, I asked him about you and your overall character and whatever. That’s why he talked about me so much to you before we met and—”

“Ok, wait. Pause.” Harry frowns, holding a finger to Louis’ lips. “When we finally did meet at that party…was that completely organic?”

Louis scrunches his face hesitantly. “Uhh…define organic?” 

“Louis! You're telling me that Niall Horan set us up essentially.” Harry watches Louis carefully with wide attentive eyes, the initial workings of a laugh appearing on his quirked lips. “Niall James Horan.” 

“Shhh!” Louis slaps a hand over Harry’s mouth, as if Niall may pop up out of nowhere at any minute. “Don't say it too loud, ok? It's an irrelevant detail.”

Harry pries Louis’ hands free from his face, expression still a mix of awe, amusement and surprise. “I can't believe Niall never even mentioned this!”

“He probably assumed I told you after we got to know each other.”  

“Which you should have. And why are you deciding to tell me this now, fifteen years and four kids later?” 

“Ehhh it never came up.” Louis shrugs lightly. “I just can't stand to have our marriage be rooted in lies anymore. We should be one hundred percent real with each other.”

“You are absolutely ridiculous.” Harry cackles, grinning fondly at his spouse as he links their fingers together between them.

“You deserved the truth, I can't fake it anymore.” Louis confesses, teasing smile at play on his lips. 

“Honestly, we both know that we have definitely reached a point where it is far too real to fake it.”  

“Well, you got me there.” Louis grins fully. 

“But I'm glad you stalked me.” Harry admits, lifting one of their joined hands to kiss the pressure point inside of Louis’ wrist.

“I pride myself in being a go-getter.” Louis boasts. “Who knows who you would have ended up with if I didn't take action. Probably that fucking cockwad, Jeremy.”

“He was my first college boyfriend! And he wasn't a bad guy.”

“He let you go, H.” Louis huffs with a scowl. “He idiotically broke up with you for no real reason, how good could he possibly be?”

Harry lies back with a content smile on his face. “Really good, actually. Because then I could be with you.”

“Yeah, especially since _I_ found you.” Louis emphasizes as he lies down on top of Harry, nuzzling his head in the center of his torso.

“I think we would have still found each other some other way even if you weren't my creepy stalker.” Harry contemplates, hands running softly up and down Louis’ spine. “There is no one better for me than you, we were helplessly and serendipitously destined to be together.”

“Such a sappy hopeless romantic.” Louis scoffs, but it comes out sounding more fond than anything else.

“Oh hush, you love it.” Harry hugs Louis tighter against him, snaking his arms around his lower back and pressing his lips to the crown of Louis’ head.

Louis smiles softly lifting his head up from Harry’s chest and peaking up at him. He stares at him for a moment in silence, taking Harry in appreciatively. “You're my very best friend, you know? You're weird and embarrassing and goofy and impossible and bloody horrible at anything even marginally related to phone or cyber sex… but ever since I met you, you've never stopped being my absolute favorite person.”

Harry offers a slow smile. “Now look who's sappy?”

“I'm entitled to be a little sappy every so often. Especially when my husband just returned from war and I missed him impossibly.”

“Yeah…you’re ok, I guess.” Harry jokes, hands still running along Louis’ sides. “You aren’t the worst person to be married to. It could be worse I suppose.”

“Asshole.” Louis smiles, resting his head back down on Harry’s chest.

“You know how some married couples worry about losing interest or falling out of love or something like that?”

“Yeah?”

“That will never happen to us.” Harry declares certainly.

“How do you know?”

“Well, it’s just that…I don’t know?” Harry thinks, trying to put his thoughts into words. "We aren’t just best friends and we aren’t just in love either…we’re—”

“Brothers!” Louis exclaims, bursting into a fit of laughter.

“Shut up! When will you let that die!?” Harry swats at Louis’ bum, laughing along with him. “I was going to say that we’re never boring.”

“Same thing, really.” Louis cackles uncontrollably. “Anyway, I could never stop loving my brother. That’s family, you never abandon family.”

Harry shoves Louis lightly, still chuckling. “Get away from me. I’m so done with you.”

“But I thought you’d never get tired of me? Or at least that’s what you said five seconds ago.”

“Well…I obviously spoke too soon.”

Louis reaches his head up and attaches his lips to the side of Harry’s neck, under his jaw, replacing the mark he gave Harry before he left, that has since faded. “Are you tired of me now?”

“Uhh…”

“How about _now_?” Louis murmurs into his bruising skin, kissing and sucking, nipping and licking unceasingly at his favorite spot.

Harry makes no further protest, surrendering completely to the will of his spouse.

Louis straightens up suddenly and glances at the bedside table clock. “Oh my god, it's half past three in the morning, Harry! Our kids are going to wake up soon and we haven't even slept.”

“Worth it.” Harry hums contently, tightening his arms around Louis on top of him. “So worth it.”

“We could have used this rare uninterrupted time to finally have sex, _but_ instead we are staring into each other's eyes, spilling secrets and talking like teenage girls.” 

“Well, I could stay up starring into your eyes and talking to you forever.” 

“It would have been the really hot, pinning and desperate, I-missed-you-so-much-and-I-need-you-so-bad-sex.”

“It's not too late.” Harry whispers naughtily, a dark look in his eye.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Harry flips them over suddenly, putting Louis on his back. “And also, I think we should have matching hickeys.”

“Oooh…” Louis yelps in surprise at the unexpected change of position.

On a mirroring spot on Louis’ neck, Harry begins sucking a purpling bruise to his skin, fingers exploring up and down his body. “And I still owe you…”

“Mhmm you do.” Louis moans, head arched backward as Harry nips and sucks along his neckline, taking his sweet time.

Harry finishes off his love bite, pressing a final kiss to his work, before moving to strip Louis of his shirt. “Not just for that, but…” He settles over Louis, under the covers, dipping down to attach his lips to his right nipple. “For being amazing…” He moves over to his left nipple. “And supportive…” He drops lower to press a line of worshiping kisses to Louis’ tensing abs. “And taking care of our kids…” Another adoring caress, this time to Louis’ navel. “You were so so selfless and you took care of everything and everyone...”

Louis lets out a little whine in anticipation, fingers twisted and tangled up in Harry’s curls.  

“Now I wanna take care of you.” Harry licks a thick stripe slowly down Louis’ treasure trail, head disappearing under the thick duvet.

“God, yes. _Finally_.” Louis moans, closing his eyes as he feels Harry tug at the waistband of his briefs. Maybe it’s because they’ve been away from each other for a while, or maybe it’s because they haven’t had any kind of sex in even longer, but by the time Harry finally gets his hands around him, Louis feels like he might burst into tears at how good it feels.

“Did you miss me, baby?”

“ _Harry.._.” Louis whimpers weakly, as his partner mercilessly stokes him hard and quick, perfectly attuned to everything his body craves.

Until suddenly Harry stops, peaking his head out of the top of the comforter with a frown, listening to a disturbance coming from the hallway. “Do you hear that?”

“Mmm nooo.” Louis forcefully shoves Harry back down under the covers, eyes still closed. “No, no I don’t hear anything, don’t stop.”

Harry starts back up, this time putting his tongue to work, only to stop three seconds later, wild hair once again popping up above the sheets. “No, you had to have heard it that time.”

“Ooh nooooo.” Louis groans, casting his head back against the pillows. “It's the sound of little feet. Little feet on a mission. They must've unknowingly detected the presence of sex and have come to cockblock us again.” 

“How often does that happen to us?” Harry laughs in disbelief.

“Too many times to count, babe...too many times to count.” Louis sighs disappointedly.

“I’m sorry, baby.” Harry pouts understandingly, kissing Louis’ tummy as he slides his sweatpants back on for him. “Really I am. It hurts me just as much as it hurts you.”

“I know. It’s not your fault, H. We will never fuck again, I’ve accepted that.”

“Stop.” Harry giggles, hugging him close. “Yeah, we will tomorrow.”

“Love the positivity, it’s great, it’s just not realistic.” Louis stares up at the ceiling despondently, hardly moving as Harry cuddles him.

“I have a surprise for you…tomorrow.” Harry mumbles softly into Louis’ neck.

“A surprise?” Louis peaks up at that, lifting Harry’s head to look him in the eye. “Tell me.”

“Then it wouldn’t be a surprise.”

“Tell me now, Harold.” Louis pokes his index finger hard against Harry’s chest.

“I’m taking you out. My parents are babysitting overnight and I’m taking you out as a thank you…and that’s all I’m saying.” Harry informs, sealing his lips after that.

“Oh my god, you really do love me!” Louis gasps melodramatically in shock.

“Shut up. No, I’ve just been pretending this entire time. This is all an elaborate joke.”

“You’re going to wine and dine me!” Louis swoons, practically bursting with giddiness, squeezing Harry’s cheeks in his hands.

“I’m going to wine and dine you.” Harry repeats with a smirk, pecking Louis’ lips lightly. “And fuck you.”

“I swear I can hear the angels singing.” Louis closes his eyes dramatically, head thrown back. “It’s a hallelujah chorus breathing life back into the rotting corpse that is our sex life.”

“You’re a mess.” Harry grins with a little laugh, kissing him again.

“Like you aren’t.” Louis quips back with a knowing smirk.

“Parker shh! They'll hear you!” Lilly whispers not so quietly from the hallway. “You’re so loud!”

“I not woud, Willy! I not!” Parker whispers back, also extremely loud for a whisper.

“They’re getting closer…” Harry singsongs eerily, hearing his eldest children argue in the hallway. “Man the sails, captain!”

“Avast ye! Batten down the hatches!” Louis adds, continuing the random nautical joke. “Oii Oii!”

Harry drops his voice. “I say we ‘ave a bit o’ fun and pretend to be asleep and scare ‘em, savvy?”

“Evil, evil, _evil_.” Louis shakes his head as a wicked smile grows on his face. “Let's do it, mate. Yo ho!”

They snuggle easily into their usual sleeping positions, Louis curled around Harry, arms and legs tangled together comfortably. Harry nuzzles back against Louis, both of them closing their eyes and putting on their best sleeping faces.

The door creaks open, the pitter-pattering of little feet shuttle across the bedroom floor, closer and closer to the bed.

“No, I wanna be in the middle!” Lilly hisses in what should be a whisper.

“No! I want it!” Parker argues, just as loud. “You never wet me be in the middwe!”

“You’re gonna wake them up!”

“No, you are, Willy!”

“Am not!”

“Are too!”

Louis squeezes Harry’s hand as a stealthy signal to strike and they both sit up at once in the bed. “Boo!” They shout in unison, causing Parker and Lilly to shriek in surprise, nearly falling off the bed from being startled. Well, actually Parker does fall.

“You scared me!” Parker pouts from the floor.

“Dead men tell no tales.” Harry haunts in a ghostly voice causing Louis to absolutely lose it, tipping over with laughter to rest his head on Harry’s shoulder. Harry, of course, instantly joins in laughing, always finding Louis’ laugh to be highly contagious.

“You didn't wake Max and Maddi did you?” Louis asks once he’s settle himself, head still leaning comfortably against Harry.

“No, we were careful.” Lilly assures, laying herself down over her parent’s laps. 

“Very very carefuw.”

Louis scoops Parker up onto the bed, cuddling him. “Good, because otherwise you’d be walking the plank.”

“You know what? I think the next movie night should be Pirates of the Caribbean.” Harry suggests, hand rubbing Lilly’s back gently.

“Agreed.”

Twenty minutes later and the two children are sound asleep between their dads, Parker curled against Louis, while Lilly clings to Harry in her sleep. Harry and Louis smile softly at each other, separated by their kids, hands twisted together.

“And you want another one.”

“More like and _we_ want another one.” Harry corrects, knowing smile spreading across his face as he plays with Louis’ ring finger, rubbing the ‘H’ inked to his skin.

Louis mirrors his husband’s expression, eyes crinkled happily. “Same difference.”

“And besides…our sex life can’t possibly get any worse.” Harry whispers teasingly.

Louis starts cackling uncontrollably, burying his head into his pillow to avoid waking his kids. After a minute, he peaks up at Harry, impossibly endeared. “God, I love you, H. I'm so glad you're home.”

“There's no where else I'd rather be than right here with _you_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow, you made it to the end! you're amazing :) thank you so much for reading, loves! because i didn't channel any of my angst and torment into this fic, my next one is probably going to be absolutely heart wrenching, just a heads up. but maybe not, who knows haha :)) anyways thank you, ily all!


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